Never Good.

So I've done it again. I fucked up. I made another huge mistake. This is why I don't want to be here anymore. My poor mother. All I do is upset her and make her suffer. Everything I do is wrong. If I stay at home, she's mad because I never go out. If I go out with friends, she's mad because I'm not home. I sit on my ass all day. I'm not allowed to get sick. I got my period today, so I've been bed ridden from cramps and now mum is mad at me because I didn't do what she asked. I am really sorry. No I am not being sarcastic. I just wish I could do something right for once. I just wish I could make you happy. I wish I could do something right for once. I tried offering help earlier but she just said "No, I can do it, you go to your room and rest." Talk about a real guilt trip huh. Why can't I be a good son. Why do I never fear the consequences until they happen. Why do I not care until it's too late. Making the both of us miserable. Why doesn't mum treat Nick and Matt this way? I guess because I'm the youngest and I'm not healthy. At least Matt is supporting himself. Nick finished school and went to college. I've done nothing but hurt Mum. Cause her pain, have her miss work, waste her money on pills and such just for me. I'm not even the little girl that she always wanted. I had to fuck that up too. 

In the midst of things, I still have to buy everyone presents and I've picked up smoking again. Maybe I'll be lucky and get cancer so I can die sooner. I also have a feeling that my self-harming activities may come back. I need to be punished somehow. Being yelled at or ignored completely just isn't enough. 

Falling Away With You

I do suppose that I am in need of an update, it has been a while. Not much has been going on. It's been pretty relaxed as usual. I finally wrapped Birth By Sleep tonight. I was kinda disappointed by how it ended. There were a lot of feelings and emotions that it evoked out of me though haha. But Kingdom Hearts games usually tend to do that to me. I have a new girlfriend. Her name is Megan and we're in an "actual" relationship. Not an online one, so I meet her in person and everything lol. She's eighteen and lives with Scott and Kelsey right now. We've been dating for about two weeks. To be honest, when I first met her I didn't like her too much. But first impressions aren't everything right? After I got to know her better, I began liking her and Scott and I convinced her to break up with her abusive boyfriend. All he did was use her and make her miserable. If she was happy with him, then I wouldn't have bothered, because... well that'd just be a complete ass of a move lol. But according to Scott, after I left, she was really happy and has been a lot happier since then, so I'm glad. I haven't told mum about her yet, but I probably will soon when I get the guts to do so. At least mum has met her already and even said she was a nice girl. So thumbs up for that! Another thumbs up that Megan doesn't snore when she sleeps lmao. I hate people who snore so much, ugh. Anyways. Last Friday, I went to hang out with Scott, Kelsey, and Megan, as I do every weekend now. First it was just Scott and I and we went to Brooks to get Tim Horton's. Coffee for him and a small ice cap for me. After we drove around Brooks for a while and Scott showed me all the places that him and the girls grew up. It was really interesting- hearing all the stories he told and the meanings behind the places. Plus we got to see some pretty decked out houses. Tons and tons of Christmas lights and trees haha. Then we went back to Bassano and picked up the girls and drove around before heading back to their place. I think it was about 02.00 by the time we decided to finally go to bed haha. After Megan and I went to bed, I ended up having a panic attack. I think it was the shortest panic attack I had ever had. And unfortunately I had Megan freaked out ._. Oops. It was also the first time it happened at someone else's house too. But in the end, I'm glad it went away fast. I'm pretty sure the cause of it was the ice cap I had earlier, which makes me very thankful that I had only gotten a small. And now I will never have caffeine ever again. D: Scary shit son. Then after I had calmed down, apparently Scott's bird blew a blood vessel. (This is at 04.00 now) And so they had to drive all the way to Calgary (1h 30min drive) to take the bird to the emergency vet since they were the closest one's that specialized in birds .__. I was really worried since Scott had only had maybe 3 hours of sleep for the passed two days. But him and Kelsey made it to the vet in one piece. Took them 3 and a half hours to find the vet though! They ended up calling a taxi service and had a cab lead the way there. So it was about 08.00 by the time they got there. The bird ended up having to go through surgery and Kelsey was flipping out. She's very attached to their pets. All in all though, the bird is fine and Kelsey and Scott made it back fine too. It was a very busy night... and basically the only excitement that I've had since haha. 

They want me to move in come January too. I'm not sure how I feel about that because they say it's okay if I don't pay rent or anything. So basically I'd be mooching off of them. In return they just want me to clean, since they can't do it worth shit lol. Which honestly sounds great because I love cleaning, but I am kind of high maintenance and they aren't exactly rich... What with my medications and the special diet I have. Plus they're gonna have to pay extra for their utilities since I'll be there all the time and extra groceries I need and stuff. It just doesn't sound fair for them in my opinion. But I would love to live with them. I also doubt that my mother would let me move there given the circumstances as well, even though I'm an adult now and everything, my mum still has final say over me. Just because I'm not as independent as I should be and don't have a job or anything. Otherwise my mum wouldn't have a problem. I just don't want to be a burden to them and I told them that and they say "Oh, you won't be" "We'll be happy to have you" And etc, etc, But that will only last so long before they notice the decrease in money they have once I'm there. Ugh... If only I was closer to graduating. I keep saying that, but it just seems so far away and it pisses me off. I need to be a full adult already. 
Maybe I'll just get a part time job at the grocery store since it's close to their place and then I still have a bunch of hours to do school work. Maybe it will motivate me more. Yeah... That does sound better and then I can give them a bit of rent too. Although I doubt it will be much, but I would feel better if I gave them something. I feel better now that I sorted that out right now LOL. 

My eating has improved since the last post as well. Gone back to eating two meals and snacks in between like I used to do. And the "End of the World" is this Friday hahaha. What a laugh that is. I'll probably be over at Scott's again. I also need to finish my x-mas shopping too /: Need Mum, Nick, and Dad. And then I'll be good. Not sure how I'm gonna pull that off, but we'll see. 
Nothing else to really mention- Not that I can think of anyways. Mood hasn't been too bad, sleeping could be better, but it always could be. So I guess I'll stop here. 

Have a good week everyone~

I don't think I can.

The picture is of my favorite childhood toy, Robin. I've had him since I was about three and he was made the same year I was born. He means a lot to me and has been a huge part of my life. I used to sleep with him beside me in my bed. Once my Mother told me that if the house ever caught on fire, that we wouldn't take anything and we would just run and leave everything else behind to burn. After she told me that, I started taking Robin literally everywhere with me and I would place him by the door in case a fire ever happened, I'd be able to grab him right away and he would be safe with me. I was a very strange child when growing up. 

I'm still not eating proper. I weighed myself this morning and I'm at 43kgs. I was actually happy when I discovered I had lost a kilogram. I think I'm afraid of getting fat. I think I've always feared it. Not to the point where I'd throw my food up, but to the point where I would starve myself. And I'm getting into that habit again. I know I shouldn't do such a thing, but whenever my BMI is below 18, I feel a bit happier with myself, like I accomplished something. But I feel that it could be lower. I don't ever want to reach 100 pounds. I've never been that high and I don't want to. I have a feeling I will once I start testosterone, but that can't be helped I suppose. This isn't healthy. I should tell my councillor about it, but I don't want to actually verbally state that I've been starving myself because I think I could be thinner. To be truly honest, I've thought this way since... probably when I first began puberty- when I was ten. I've hated my body since then. Even though I'm underweight, I don't feel like it. I don't feel like a cow either- don't get me wrong. But I always have that thought, "I could be thinner." I felt disgusted with myself yesterday for having fast food. Just a burger and fries. (minus the buns of course) And I felt so bloated and disgusted, I almost had a breakdown. I'm forcing myself to eat at least one meal a day and a multi-vitamine, so I don't drop too low. And I'm drinking loads more fluids too. Still doesn't make it right, I know. Maybe this phase will pass after a while like it always does. I hope it does. It'd be even nicer if it didn't come back after. I haven't been much in the mood to sleep either. I'm still taking my sleeping pills, but if my body doesn't want to sleep, it's not gonna happen. I look 75mgs the other day and I still had trouble sleeping. I usually take 50mgs. I'm beginning to wonder what caused this drop in my mood. Wasn't I really happy not that long ago? Because I was so excited and happy about the Gender Clinic and such? What happened to that? I need to find it again. I want my happiness to last longer than just a week or two because when the depression hits, it almost kills me. 

Wish I knew how to stay positive. Wish I wasn't such a negative person all the time. Wish I knew how.

Bones sinking like stones.

So I figured I should update for the sake of updating. I'm in a bit of a depressive state currently, but I'm trying to stay strong. I haven't been eating properly at all. Just apple and peanut butter in the early afternoon and then I snack on "poop" until I go to bed. IN MY DEFENCE IT'S NOT ACTUALLY POOP. I CAN PROMISE YOU THAT.

Lemme explain.
It's like raisins and melted chocolate put into a small little clump on a cookie sheet with plastic wrap and it's put into the fridge to cool. Then you have this chocolatey raisin clump of deliciousness. 
NOW the first time Mum made this, she put it in the fridge to harden and later on that day, Nick came upstairs to get a drink and saw the "creation" Mum made and asked her "Mum, did you put poop in the fridge?!" 
And Mum was like "YES, CAUSE I WOULD GO OUTSIDE AND TAKE SPRITE'S SHIT AND PUT IT IN THE FRIDGE." 
I laughed soooo harrrrdd. Hilarious. And so we've just called it "poop" ever since, because we don't have an actual name for it haha. Maybe Raisin Clusters would be better? Yeah that doesn't sound too bad haha. 
But yeah, that's what I've mostly been snacking on for the past three days for supper. I can't decide what to properly eat for the life of me. Mum would even ask me, "If you could have anything in the world to eat, what would it be?" And I have no answer for her and she could spend an hour listing everything we have and every time, I just say "No."  I'll picture the food in my head and it will immediately turn my stomach and I won't want it. I don't know why this is though. Also today, I was very dizzy and anxious and I haven't felt like that in a while. The de-realization was very strong too, which aggravated my anxiousness even more. I almost had a panic attack. I came very close. When such things happen, I really crave to be in the mountains. I crave to go home because I immediately feel better and calmer. And that's what kinda triggered my depression because I can't just hop on over there. I can't even see it from the outskirts of my town. I think it would help a bit if I could just sit down outside of Bassano and see them. If only they were closer. It hurts to be away from there, it physically and mentally hurts me. It's so strange how a place can do that to a person. I wonder what it means, especially since I wasn't born there. If I was, then it would make a bit more sense, but nope. Been stuck in this dead-end red-neck town my whole life. 
Scott is getting a new vehicle soon, he's been looking at a '99 ford 4x4. I'm gonna assume it's a f-150 like my truck. (except mine doesn't have 4x4 :c ) Either way, he said he wants to go on a really long cruise in it once he gets it and he asked me to go with him. So of course I said yes! Originally, the plan was to go to Saskatchewan. I wasn't too thrilled, but I just said "Oh, I've never been there before!" Which was truth, but there's a reason why- I hate Saskatchewan. xD Stupid flat province >___< Anyways, then he said "Unless you'd like to go through BC?" So then I fessed up how I hated Sask. and would prefer BC and the mountains, so that's how the plan changed. We texted earlier today and I told him how I was feeling and he told me to hold on- that in "literally" two weeks, we'll be able to go to the mountains. So that really brightened my mood. And I made him happy because I told him how much that meant to me haha. I'm so sappy aren't I? 
I just hope the weather is good and sunny! And the roads are clear D: ...And that Mum will let me go .__. The weather is kinda funky up there, which is why we don't go during winter, so I have a feeling mum might burst my happy bubble.  I trust Scott's driving though. He's the first one around my age that I actually feel comfortable with when in the car with him. He doesn't fuck around and I appreciate that. So I gotta cross my fingers real good for this to happen.

In other news, the interview with Ray went really good, her lecturer enjoyed the video a lot, so here's hoping she gets awesome marks! I'm glad I could help c: 
Also since I was in a shitty mood today, I spent over an hour in my truck in the cold, just singing Lady Gaga songs as loud as I could. The truck is really cranky with starting and so the engine didn't want to turn over. The battery is still alive though, so that's cool. I also got my x-mas shopping done for my friends too. Didn't cost me anything! :D I'm giving a shirt to Kelsey- I've only worn it a few times, so it's still fairly new. And I'm giving Megan two chokers (she's Scott's and Kelsey's roomate. We're not close friends, but I'd feel like a jerk if I didn't get her anything) And then for Scott, he wants me to go to Brooks with him to see his GP and stand up for him so he can get his referral letter for the Gender Clinic in Edmonton. His GP is a cranky old coot and won't listen to Scott, plus Scott is at a bit of a loss when telling people what's what sometimes. So he wants me there to back him up- which I personally think is better than any expensive gift I could give him- I get to help him get closer to becoming who he truly is. I think that's awesome. 
I also sort of ruined my pc mouse. There was years of disgusting grime on it and I had to press down the buttons in order to scrape it off, so now the buttons don't work as well anymore- gotta press real hard on them to work. Kinda annoying, but my mouse is clean now!
Oh well I suppose. But that's all that's new with me really. Nothing exciting as usual. Just a mere update.

Stay strong and happy, my friends~

And I'll spill like a leak in the basement.

For this post, I want to talk about mostly talk about the visit I had at the gender clinic in Edmonton. It was a four and a half hour drive to get there and since mum insisted on leaving early, we got there two hours before the actual appointment, so we had to hang around the hospital until then. That waiting period was horrible. Waiting always gets my nerves up, but I did feel a little better after I had a large jell-o cup thing. 
Anyways, when I got into the actual waiting room after I signed in, my nerves immediately vanished. I guess my excitement overtook my feelings then and I am definitely not complaining about that. Beforehand, I was scared though because my psychiatrist had me to believe that Alberta believed in the whole "You gotta be Trans* enough" thing. So I was afraid the gender clinic would be the same with me since my psychiatrist had already told me I wasn't Transgender enough. But after I filled out my papers, I talked to two of the specialists interns, Simmone and Carol. Carol being an MtF who transitioned in the 80's. She was training to be another gender specialist for Alberta, which was really good to hear. So I had to tell those two my "story" and Simmone took a bunch of notes and then later briefed Dr. Warneke about me before he came in. And let me tell you, really fricken impressed with him. And the interns too! Seriously I was so amazed about the appointment, I told them what was going on and what I wanted and they were all on board. Earlier, Simmone had asked me what made me the most dysphoric about my body and I told her my voice and chest. She glanced at my chest and frowned and said, "But your chest isn't that big...?" I responded by saying I bind and Carol and Simmone looked at each other then back to me and Simmone asked, "How big is your chest size?"  And I said "D-34 and both their jaws dropped, I couldn't help but laugh. It was just so funny seeing the shock on their faces. They said that they never would have guessed that.  Then afterwards, Dr. Warneke mentioned about my chest and said he would refer me to a surgeon for a mastectomy and also said it would be covered by Alberta Health. I was so relieved that it would be covered omg. I was so happy too and he also said that he was going to refer me to an endocrinologist as well. (Which would also be covered by my mum's healthcare!!) Overall it was just a really good day from there. We all spent over an hour talking about this lol. I just couldn't get over how understanding and how "on-board" they were with me. No nonsense about not being "Trans* enough"  The reason why I was so worried was because my psychologist learned under Dr. Warneke, she said that the doctor was her mentor, so immediately I was like "oh no... This won't be good" But it was completely the opposite. So I have a feeling come January when I see her, I'm gonna tell her what's what. In your face! Haha. But yeah, life is moving forward in the Trans* department for me. I figured it wouldn't be until years from now because of all the costs and everything, but no, since it's covered, I don't have to worry about money. I am very lucky that way. It will cost money for bottom surgery, but unlike my psychologist said, I don't have to get it if I don't feel the need to. And I really don't since it's just so unreliable and dangerous right now. I wouldn't mind getting the clitoral lengthening though. I'm fine with that. But the phalloplasty is out of the question until there's improvements on it and it's actually a bit more affordable... Plus I don't exactly feel comfortable travelling all the way to Serbia for it either.

My psychologist told me that in Alberta, you have to get Testosterone first, then two years after you can get chest surgery and then after you have to get bottom surgery. And you HAVE to get all the other surgeries along with that. You can't just have T or just top surgery. You HAVE TO DO ALL OF IT. And therefore she said I wasn't Trans* enough because I told her I was uncomfortable with bottom surgery.

But Dr. Warneke said and proved otherwise, and so I am extremely pleased with him and his interns and I am finally happy. And I can't wait to tell my councillor the good news too.

And later on I am helping my friend Ray from Hong Kong with a study report that her and a few of her classmates are doing. I think I mentioned it before (curse this damn memory!) So I am going to be doing that tonight. I really hope I'm not too awkward about it. Then later on in the weeks or something, a co-worker of my Mum's wants to talk to me about it- she's just friendly curious about it and just wants to see Transgenderism from my point of view. I think that's nice and wouldn't mind talking to her about it. I also have to work on a booklet that Dr. Warneke gave me. But I have three months until I go back to see them so I have time to fill it out. I only have two questions left out of the whole thing anyways haha. 

One more thing before I go, the other day, I saved a small bird from my cat, Smokey. Whenever we got her ten years ago, she was on an acreage in the prairie, so it's still in her instinct to hunt small animals and she's quite good at it too. But with this bird, she just kept playing with it and she even sneaked it into the house! After Smokey caught a hold of it again by her food dish (she was running away from me) I picked her up and took her into the porch, where the bird flew away again. I ran after it and caught it before Smokey could. She got real pissed off with me then haha. But I held the bird in the sun and kept it warm while it recovered from it's shock. It was shaking for a while, but then suddenly it looked at me, then flew off once and for all. I guess it looked at me to say thank you? Either way I felt really good afterwards, even if Smokey was mad at me for a while. She got over it when she realized cuddles were more important haha. But yeah, just thought I would share that with you guys. 

Live freaky, die freaky

I dyed my hair an insanely bright color of red and I'm not sure if I like it yet or not. And I'm too tired to take a "today" picture of me, so have a really bad facebook photo instead.

I felt like I should post today because lately I've been feeling really happy with myself and somewhat of my life as well and I think I should try to focus a bit on that and try to have that feeling last as long as I can before I hit that rut again. I know I will hit it, that's the joys of depression, but it doesn't mean that I can still try and be happy. Recently I haven't had any thoughts of self-harm or suicide. I haven't contemplated killing myself like I have been for the past while. I was supposed to see my psychologist this month, which I was really in need of, but I can't see her until the end of January. Oh the joys of living in a small town .___.

But lately I don't feel like I need to see her so badly anymore. Like I said, I've been in a more positive mood- very chipper. I noticed it whenever I started hanging out with Scott and Kelsey. (Scott is Transgender as well) They're just... really good friends. I mean really good. To me, they are seriously the best friends I had ever had in my life. I don't think I've ever felt so comfortable around someone before as I do with them. They're like family, maybe even closer in a way... Can friends be closer than family? I'm not even sure how to describe it exactly, but I'll try... 

With all of the friends that I've had in the past (And with this I mean RL friends, not Online friends, okay?) I've always felt a little uncomfortable with them. I always felt like I had to watch what I was saying and what I was doing. I always felt like I was being judged, like they all looked down on me or something. I just felt like I wasn't needed, that I felt like an attachment that shouldn't be there. I felt so out of place, regardless of whichever friend(s) I was with. But with Scott and Kelsey... I feel like I can TRULY be myself. I don't have to be uncomfortable in my own skin when around them and I always feel immediately happy when around them. I think they are my true best friends. The first real ones I've ever had. I don't feel as if they're judging me, I don't feel like a third wheel, I just feel like they make me belong. I actually don't get nervous when we plan to hang out or anything and I've never had that before. Whenever I would plan to hang out with my past friends, I'd always get severely nervous and sometimes my stomach would get upset because of how anxious I felt. But with Scott and Kelsey, I don't get that feeling. I just get really happy and excited to see them. It kind of makes me understand the feeling that Charlie would experience whenever he was hanging out with his friends. That he was truly happy, that he felt infinite. (Charlie is from The Perks of Being a Wallflower) I still don't know if I explained it well enough. But I do love these guys. And I hope I don't ever lose them because I'm afraid of the kind of mood I might end up in if I do lose them. They're not fake, they're not judgemental. I don't feel like I'm constantly under scrutiny being with them. And I always had those feelings with past friends and I lost all but one of them whenever I came out as Trans, so that just goes to show how they weren't ever my friends at all. But Scott and Kelsey are and that makes me very happy.

In other news, I saw my doctor yesterday about my nose. He says I have sinusitis like my brother (who he constantly said was a nice boy and how we look very similar) And he said that I'm probably allergic to my pets and suggested that I "get rid" (He said it nicer) of them. And right away, I said no lol. Honestly, I'd rather suffer than give up my babies, especially Smokey. I've had her since I was 9, so I ain't getting rid of her now. You couldn't pay me enough to do that. So instead he said I should keep them out of my room... but I haven't really been doing that either... oops. I've been keeping the dog out if that counts .__. Although I feel like shit because he's stuck in the living room all by himself. So tomorrow, I will probably let him in while mum is at work. It's like denying your child attention when they're crying to have it, just to be in your company makes them content. So why would you tell them no? Especially if you love them? I know I wouldn't... Except at night lmao. No pets in my room when I'm trying to sleep haha. Put I am washing my hands more often and I should probably wash my bedding and vacuum more often as well. Yeah... Also, I almost died this morning. My doctor told me to get a nasal rinse thing to help clear my sinuses, and I used it this morning... I swear I was gonna drown omg. Basically you're squirting salt-water up one nostril until the water comes out on the OTHER SIDE A;LSDKJFASDNF;ASILDFJ. And then you repeat for the other nostril. The whole time I was like "OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD" It didn't hurt or anything, but it was just the most uncomfortable thing I ever experienced. And now I get to do it EVERY DAY YAY. Oh me... anyways...

Ahh... One other thing I want to mention because I'm still thinking about it.

On Sunday, before mum and I went for groceries, we went to fill up on gas and so I was just chillin' like a villain in the passenger seat and I happen to look up and see a guy that looks EXACTLY like Gary Lightbody, walk out of the gas station with a coffee and head to his car. My jaw dropped and I almost screamed. I seriously almost had a fanboy meltdown. For real I thought it was him. But I checked the Snow Patrol tour dates and it said they were in the States on the other side of the country, so.... It wasn't him. I was let down, but also glad because if it were him, then that meant that I missed him and couldn't get a hug and or autograph *A* So yeah... THERE'S THAT STORY. I'm such a weird person, I really am. I just love that man too much, regardless of his age difference. 

I think I'll leave this post at that. (So awkward D:)

And the tears come streaming down your face.

Not quite sure why my last post is all wonky like that with the white background that shouldn't be there. I guess that's what I get for copying and pasting from my iPhone  Oh well, the point was still made. Lately I've been listening to Fix You by Coldplay. It's very relaxing and also emotional at the same time. Today hasn't been a good day. I've only gotten one hour of sleep, which was at 11.00-12.00 basically. It wasn't a total loss because I was able to start on rewriting my story. I didn't get too far because my brain refuses to work on lack of sleep, but I got something down. I didn't really do any school work today either. Just copied an answer I had made the night before into my module book. All day I've been nauseous, shaky, and anxious. I kind of feel like I might have a panic attack, but I don't think I will. I also feel like I might vomit everywhere, but I doubt that's going to happen either. I got another lesson from my cousin today. It was just full of hypocracy (is that a word?) and insults. It surprisingly didn't upset me, it made me laugh a lot because you could tell she was throwing whatever she could think of at me. She mentioned that it would have hurt her more if I had sent everything she had given to me back to her, so I made the package today. I told her before that I was going to throw it out, but I instead changed my mind to sell it on eBay  Today I changed my mind again and put everything in a shoebox for her lol. I also took all of the photos of her that I had gotten over the years and mum had taken while we visited Newfoundland and placed them in the shoebox too. There's probably around a hundred in there. Mostly because mum gets doubles of everything whenever she used to use film. I also got my shirt back from my ex today. I was kinda expecting more than just the shirt, but it's no problem. Not gonna hate her over it. xD As long as she's happy with it. I just hope she treats her next partner with more loyalty. Like I said previous, I was really shocked that she had kissed another guy. I expected I was gonna screw up. I mean I already had so many times, yet she still stayed by me. And I mentioned these things before so I will leave it at that. Now I just feel like I don't have any strings holding me back anymore. My cousin and my ex played a huge part in those strings, but now they've been cut and a weight has been lifted. I'm going to listen to Damien again and say, you know, if I want to be on my own, then so be it. My mum is an independent person and she raised me that way and I'm more than glad for it. So I'll see it as a positive instead of a negative. Thank you again Damien for the advice. ^^ I kinda see you as a mentor even though you're only a few months older than me, but I'm glad I have you there for support with these sorts of things.

All day I've felt really emotional and I think it might be because of my womanhood because it always screws around with my feelings. I just feel like crying really intensely and my heart keeps trying to sink and make me think bad thoughts. I think I might do a little crying later when everyone is in bed, just to conceal things a bit. I don't have a problem, my emotions just need a little exercise, so I need to let them off the leash for a little while. So it will be okay. And beforehand, I'll hide any sharp objects and my pills in order to avoid any bad situations. I get to see Wendy on mandag, so I may talk about this. Well I'll at least try to because it is an important thing to discuss. Even though I've seen Wendy for so long already, I still feel uncomfortable talking about such personal things. I never have with anybody. Well I did to a degree, but not the full brink of what coalesces within my head. But I probably should try to do so soon. Hopefully my mind will settle down after a good rest and after my hormones taper off again. 
Really wish I could be on testosterone right now. I'm almost starting to want it more than the surgeries- which is a good thing in order to get support here in Alberta. Which is dumb as cow poo, but whatever. Right now I'm just in a mix between laughing and being pissed off at my cousin because of what she said in the letter, since I'm thinking about it as I'm typing. It grinds my gears because she was such a nice girl and I really trusted her and then she turns around and hates me completely since I'm Transgender. She thinks I'm lying to myself and that I'm not actually Trans... I think I know myself better than her thank you haha. She said she didn't want anymore letters, she would just tear them up otherwise, so I wrote on the shoebox various things that I was sorry for. Sorry for being her friend, for her being uneducated, for having to keep her whole personal and sexual life a secret from her family, for her always lying and not having a job. For me supposedly wasting 8 years of her life, I said it in a way that made it really be a waste for her and not me. Sorry for trusting her, for looking to her for support, to look to her for protection. The last thing I said was sorry for loving her. Maybe that will get it threw her head what she did. She's blaming everything on me, but from what I've told my family, they only see her in the wrong. So... I should be right then, yes? She says I'm a self-centred, drama queen who only cares about myself... I don't see that at all. I really don't. I've always tried to put people ahead of me when I could. And not to sound spiteful, but she's the one with over 300+ pictures of just herself on Facebook and tagged. I have less than 100 total. So I don't really see how that makes me self-centred. She also called out on me saying that being in an online relationship is always fake, you can never love a person, and yet she's in a relationship on tagged with a girl she's never met before. A girl that seems really shady just from my speculations. Can't really tell much by her status's and the friends she has on her profile. You kinda can, but not quite y'know? What makes me mad about it is she said I can't have an online relationship, yet she's allowed to. She's allowed to post literally hundreds of pictures of herself and be insecure, while I don't even have half that and I'm supposedly conceited? Why would I hate myself so much if I'm supposedly so in love with myself? Does that make sense? It doesn't to me. 
Oh well, my fumes will calm down in a day or two and I'll be fine. I also told her that since she says I'm no longer family, that I didn't need pictures of a weird stranger in my photo albums. That's why I sent all the pictures. Kinda hope it makes her think. I don't want her to be upset, I just want her to use that small brain of hers for once. She said everyone is on her side about this, but honestly, that's not what everyone has told me. I think she's very alone and she's trying to insult me and put me down because she really will be alone. (Okay that makes me sound conceited, but let me explain) Her family doesn't support her in any way at all and they are quite more. They're very old fashioned (Which is the Newfie way) And her mother is very spiteful towards her children. If her children try to stand up against her in any way, she shows them the door and throws all their things outside. To me that's not how a mother should be. I was raised very differently and so I tried my best to support Sarah and try to help her in any way I could, offer advice when I could think of something to say. It still haunts me- the quad accident I caused where I almost killed us. I went straight to her and refused to be on a quad ever since. Is that not caring? I always thought it was. 

I think I'm done venting for now. I wish I'd update more often.

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try 

To fix you.

Are you sure what side you're on?

I'm feeling really sick right now. I want to vomit. I want to spew all of my guts out of my body. I want to cleanse myself. 

I feel so out of it. Severely dizzy and my ears are ringing. I feel as if on the brink of a full-blown panic attack. I don't even know what brought this on. It just happened all of a sudden. Just out of nowhere. My brain can't focus. My thoughts are going everywhere. I guess it doesn't matter that I still long for that man that I cannot have. The one I look up to and yearn for at the same time. The one that doesn't exist except in my self conscious. I've been dreaming a lot about him since the breakup too. It's kind of strange that my mind would do such a thing. It only hurts more when I wake up because I know he's not there. I wish I knew what to do with myself. I want to just go away from here. I want to live in solitude. The ringing is getting louder and I'm shaking. I want to sleep but my brain won't let me and my hands are going numb. Why can't I just sleep everything away? At least for the night. Just to sleep the whole night away and wake up at a decent time in the morning without harshly forcing myself to wake up. 

I'm feeling a smidge better while writing this down. I feel a little calmer except I keep thinking about things that sets off my anxiety and that pushes everything out of perspective again. I need sleep. Good long sleep. I've been craving to cut again but I'm trying to keep everything under control. Just think of different things Sora. Maybe put on some music while you're at it. There's this song by Gary Jules that I like to listen to when I'm in a mood like this and also by Nine Inch Nails. The first one is called Mad World and the second is called Right Where It Belongs. They both just give me this strange atmospheric feeling. Like I'm not actually here. I'm only existing and thinking. That's it. Kind of like I'm floating invisibly in the air. I think a lot about random things to these songs. Sometimes I go into a sort of... Trance I suppose. My mind wanders and time loses meaning for a while. Sometimes I like that feeling. Other times it scares me. So strange how our mind functions. I should sleep now. I'll listen to some music. 

Tonight it snows...

And I wonder if tomorrow I will wake up to a wonderland of pure white outside my window. Or will it melt and become disgusting filth, which is well known in southern Alberta to happen. I'm surprised we got snow this early, yet I was awaiting for it to happen at the same time. I think I'm in a love/hate relationship with Winter. Sometimes I love it, other times I can't stand the site of it. The cold has helped me a lot to get better, so I guess I should rather be thankful. Some places never even see snow. If only I could be home. Oh well.


I've been severely heartless lately. Very careless and selfish. No wonder why when I was younger, I always wanted to live by myself. I think I had a premonition at that time. Maybe I secretly knew what kind of a person I would become. To be honest, all I do is hurt people. Only because I hate being with others. I think I only had a one year phase where I wanted to be out with friends all the time. No maybe two years... Separate years. Through all the other years around and in between, I've always wanted to be by myself. Doing my own thing. I get annoyed by the presence of others very easily. That's why I lock myself in my room. That's why I stopped going to birthday parties and hanging out with other people. Sometimes I do feel lonely. I will admit that. But just a visit, maybe once a month or less, and I'm completely fine. Why can't I be fine with sharing my life with others? Why do I have to be so selfish? All I do is hurt people. All the time. Especially the ones that are close to me. No I don't physically beat them. But mentally. I excruciatingly hurt people without thinking about how they may feel, or how it might affect them. Even when I would have a partner, eventually I'd end up wanting to avoid them. Spending days and weeks not talking to them and making up excuses not to see them or be with them. I just get so easily unnerved by humans. Why is that? Am I lying to myself when I say that I love someone? Am I lying to them as well? I'd like to think that I'm not. I'd truly like to think that I mean it when I say it. 


But if I really did love someone... Why would I hurt them?

I wish I knew how to fix myself.

Hush, hush.

Right now I am listening to an old Rock Classic cassette that I'm playing through my computer speakers. A lot of good memories happened with this tape and I plan to cherish it forever. I think I'm gonna have to look up a new cassette player on the internet sometime though because I'd say this one has just about had it. It cuts out constantly, especially if I move the desk whenever I type. I have a player in my truck, but there's a tape jammed in there and I tried for an hour trying to get it out and I never could. Even if I did, the player probably wouldn't work anyhow. I miss having cassettes and vhs tapes. I think they were the best really. Way better than this disk shit we have. (Although I have hundreds of dvds and cds xD) But I wish they had just stayed at vhs and cassettes. That would have been the best in my opinion. I think I might have to try and download the songs on this tape and upload them to iTunes and make a playlist like the tape, just to keep the memories going with these tracks. I've driven many miles with this tape. Hundreds of kilometres. It's so strange to think how a certain song can trigger different memories. Even scents and tastes. Weird how our mind works that way.

I tried posting from my iPhone last night, but Apple doesn't support Blogspot any more, so I guess I can't do that. It sucks because I was thinking about a lot of different things last night. Lately I haven't been talking to anyone at all. I just haven't been in the mood to converse with anyone. It's terrible because I know I'm hurting people by basically ignoring them. I'm not sure what my mind is up to this time. I always tend to have moments like these, they sprout out of nowhere and I just want to be by myself at all times and have no one around me or near me. I didn't feel that way when my old friend, Jace came by though. It was really nice to see him and I'm glad he still considers me as his friend when all the others shunned me after I came out. Today I don't feel good though. My stomach has been all hot and bothered and is constantly hurting. I didn't even eat anything that I shouldn't have! I didn't even cheat or sneak a cookie or anything! So why is my stomach bothering me today? It ruined my plans too because I had asked mum to take me to the mountains today- weather permitting- and my stomach had to be a jerk- like usual. The weather sucks today anyways, so I guess it doesn't matter. But I wanted to go there one more time before winter settled in since mum doesn't want to drive up there during that time. If only we lived closer at least. I also wish Danmark was closer too .__. Been really craving to visit there! One day I will, I'll try to at least. Just to visit and experience the culture and buy things and explore and all those good tourism things lol. I saw a video recently on Youtube about how popular bicycles are there. They showed this type of cycle that had a little carriage sort of thing in the front which was supported on two wheels and then you just have the one regular wheel in the back of the cycle. Kind of like a backwards tricycle? And that some people have them instead of cars since cars are RIDICULOUSLY expensive there. Gas too! And we Canadians complain about the gas... But anyways- I'd rather have a cycle like that instead of a car. That would be great! If only we had cycle lanes here like they do in København D: I bet if North America treated cyclists the way they do in København, we'd be able to reduce car emissions by a lot. Our planet would be a little greener, especially if they spread that mindset to the world! Just imagine... Oh silly me, ranting on about such things LOL. Hot damn am I ever boring. I just care about Earth I suppose. That's why I want to plant trees and clean up garbage from the forests and mountains so badly. Even the cities. If only I had power so I could encourage such things. I know I won't ever strive for that kind of title. But sometimes I wish I could have my ideas heard. Just sometimes. Lol. 

The other day, I had gone to the bank with my mum. That day I dressed up kinda girly. I wore make up and torn up women's skinny jeans. I just felt like it that day. And sometimes I miss wearing makeup and painting my nails. When mum and I were driving back she asked what was with "The girly geddup" I frowned and told her that I just felt like it because I sometimes missed makeup and stuff. I then proceeded to tell her how I kinda want to be like Jeffree Star and how he wears makeup and sometimes girly things. (Then I had to show her and explain to her who Jeffree Star was lol) She said "Oh... okay...." and that was that. I knew there was something behind what she asked, but she never said anything else. Not until last night that is. Last night she came in my room and said she wanted to ask me about something. I said "uh kay..." And she blurted out "Where you sexually abused when you were younger?"  I'm like wtf... She thinks it could be a link as to why I hate my body. That may be it for some girls, but 9 times out of 10, they still want to be girls. Also, that has nothing to do with why I want to be a male. When she comes up with stuff like that, it really pisses me off because it just proves to me that she still hasn't excepted that I'm Trans and that she still wants me to be a girl. I didn't sleep well last night because I was fuming over that for hours. It seriously makes me mad. Yes I was sexually abused when I was younger. No I'm not telling her and no I'm not traumatized by it, nor is it fuel as to why I am transitioning into being a male. I had to control my anger so much when she was in the room with her and I had to convince her for half an hour- maybe longer- that that had nothing to do with me being Trans. She then said "Well maybe you're gay." (As in Lesbian) That was another button that shouldn't have been pressed. I wanted to yell at her so badly. Because I'm not a Lesbian. I am a Male and I am Pansexual. I've told her that many times, but she still doesn't get it. She still calls me Selina. Still calls me female and she and girl. 
At this point, it starts to piss me off when I'm referred to as my old female self. That self is gone. It is no more. And no matter how many times I tell her and discuss this with her, it still doesn't sink in. Not with any of them really. Just Jace. And I am very thankful for him. I wish the rest of my family was like him in that way.
I know I said this in the last entry, but I just wish I could start transitioning already. Maybe then it would sink in for them. Maybe then I can truly be Sora.

I feel that I look a lot like my brother in the picture. Not quite sure why, but I think it's mostly our facial structure. It's very similar. I also had to put the picture lower because otherwise, it would break up my paragraphs really strangely. o__o Damn you blogspot! *waves angry fist*

Damien, since I know you read this, I just want to thank you for the comment on my last entry. It really made me think long and hard. And yeah, I would like to be the guy that I dream about. He's basically the epitome of who'd I'd like to work myself into being. So, thank you. It means a lot to me and I'm glad I have a friend that has gone through similar things as me, it truly makes a person feel like they have someone there for them, someone who has been through what you have. It's comforting. It really is. I want to thank Danielle too, for understanding and still staying with me despite the problems that swirl around in my head that try to cause problems for those closest to me. I love you Danielle.

Tonight there is going to be a block party at 17.30 and I'm thinking about going. I kind of want to, but don't at the same time. The reason why I want to is because I am such a horrible introvert and I should get out more and try to meet people. I need to try and improve my agoraphobia and become a little bit more social. I don't need to go overboard, but I think something like this would be a good step forward towards improving myself. I need to get myself out there a bit. Even if people in this backwater town are afraid or weirded out by me, I need to show them too, that I am a good person- at least I try to be. I think I'll start getting ready at 15.00. I will probably have to eat beforehand since I doubt there will be anything gluten free there except maybe a vegetable platter here and there .___. Apparently there is treatment for people with Celiac Disease? I visited a migraine doctor a few weeks ago and she asked if I was on treatment for it... Maybe I'll look into it sometime because I really do miss eating normal foods that aren't stupidly expensive. Sweet Isis, I miss chicken nuggets so bad omg. Hahaha. I can't even have canned soup! How stupid is that!?

Oh wait... just got news that mum isn't going to it afterall... KAY NOT GOING TO IT LOL. If I was only gonna go if mum was going and she just told me she wasn't and I'm not going by myself... So looks like I get to be agoraphobic some more and can put off my shower again haaaah. This always happens... I'll plan to do something and something else comes up and it gets cancelled or I can't go to such and such. If I had known that mum wasn't going to go earlier, then I would have asked for a mountain trip. Maybe I'll ask later for tomorrow. Because I haven't been there for a while and I really miss it.

I got a letter the other day from my cousin- the one I fell out with. She wants to be friends again, but she was very stupid with going about it. She insulted me and my girlfriend- calling my Danielle a slut and a sleeze bag. And then she said she was sorry about causing a fight. I just looked at the letter like, "What?" She insulted my girlfriend and I and then expects me to want to "kiss and make up?" What kind of messed up logic is that? It just made me more mad than her. I called her out on being jealous too. Because whenever I got close to a friend or had a partner, she would always seem to get stuck up and would leave a lack of reply (Sorry that makes no sense) whenever when we would talk. Like... As soon as I'd mention I was with someone or hanging out with someone lots, she would suddenly give me one worded answers and she'd seem mad. So to my conclusion, she's jealous and wants me "all to herself" I hope that doesn't make me sound conceited, but it is the truth. She called me a backstabber when I told her I was staying in Alberta and not moving in with her. Even after I explained it was because of my Transgender situation and worrying about the lack of money where she lives. I know I will get a response letter from her once she gets mine, and I don't expect it to be nice either. My letter to hers definitely wasn't nice, but she really deserves it. Sorry, but I like to stick up for myself. So if she tries to make the fight worse. I'm just going to put on my response, "I am done with this. Any further letter you send me will not be read, but instead torn up and thrown in the trash. YOU HAVE BEEN REPLACED AND FORGOTTEN." And that will be the end of that. 

In lighter news, mum is making me bananabread-muffins and she is letting me lick the bowl and the beaters. It's delicious. Speaking of which, I have sort of... semi started cooking. I make supper every now and again for the family and had to make supper for myself a few times when mum was really tired or out late with work. I think that's a good start towards adulthood. And I might be able to graduate next year from school. If only I stay up with my math Dx I just want it to end already. I want a different course D': At least I'm on the last module. But the final test still scares me. And I'm sure I've mentioned this before. And lately I really haven't been sleeping well, despite my sleeping pills. But I don't want to increase because three pills really drains me out and I can't function at all. And I don't want to switch because these pills have been keeping the hallucinations away. Such a dilemma this is... 

Lately I've been really dysphoric too. Mostly with my chest-size. No matter what I do, I don't pass at all. No matter what baggy shirt I wear or how many layers I have, or how tight I put my binder, they still show, and I still don't pass. It's probably still my face too because I am very baby girly faced. I wish I knew ways to improve myself. Ways to pass right away. I just wish I knew. I know my voice gives it away, but even if I don't speak, people know that I am female and it really hurts. I wish I could get my testosterone sooner, I wish the waiting list wasn't so long. I called the clinic to ask to be put on a cancellation list, but you can only go on it if you've been there before. So that deflated my hopes. I just wish I knew what to do about it so I can be more comfortable in my skin.

Forlade mig venligst.

I'm using my phone so no picture this time. It's 3.17. I haven't slept so far. I don't want to, yet  I want to at the same time. Lately I haven't been taking my sleeping pill all the time like I'm supposed to. I don't even know why. My heart hurts and my depression hit me sorta hard this morning. I feel like crying but I know that won't solve anything. My life feels really messy right now and I'm not sure how to pull it together. There's no need to feel this intense sadness. There really isn't. My life is actually good. Great even. So why am I sad? Why am I laying in bed here feeling so emotionally hurt that I want to drive a blade into my thighs again? It's been two months since the last time. I want to try and hold off longer, but it feels really difficult to do so. I'm not thinking straight so I might spell some things wrong and I might use a lot of words over and over again. Like the world "feel" When I'm down like this, I just really crave to disappear for a while. I've been talking about that frequently. How I disappeared in the forests for two hours. I want to do that right now. Why does Bassano have to be such a shitty town in the middle of nowhere. Why can't I be home. Why can't I just call him and hear his voice for real to comfort me. Why can I only play music or dream of his voice in order to hold this intensity at bay. Why am I like this. He doesn't really exist. He doesn't know me. So why do I cling to him so desperately. Why do I crave him so badly. I have a girlfriend that I love so terribly much. Someone I can see myself with for years and years. The only person I can see myself having a future with. And yet he still haunts the pages of everything I am. What am I supposed to do. How do I erase him from my memory. All he does it hurt me. Wracking my body with pain and filling my heart with doubt. I dreamt I was in this very strange school. I rushed all through its halls, it's classrooms, its storage rooms. All to try to find him. Even though I knew he wasn't there. It hurt so bad but I couldn't stop myself from looking for him. Why do I do this to myself. This is why my relationships never last. This is why I keep losing people. Because I'm waiting for someone that will never come. Maybe I do need serious help. Maybe I do need to be taken into the psych ward in Medicine Hat. I don't know. I couldn't talk to anyone about it. I know people will see this, but maybe this will just reveal what kind of a nutcase I truly am. It's been what... 4-5 years that I've known about him? I wish there was a way to erase him from my head. My poor mentality has me so twisted up in knots. I can't control how I feel anymore. Just tearing myself apart. How do I fix it?  How do I rid of it? Of him? To those reading, don't question me on it. Don't talk to me about it. I don't want to share. I don't want to explain thoroughly. Whatever you read here is what you get. Maybe I need to lock myself away for a while. Maybe I need to sleep my sins away. But then I'll dream and nothing will be solved. Maybe it would be easier if I stopped dreaming. How does one do that? But then I crave to dream when I wake up from the nights I don't. My left hand has gone numb. My thumb still refuses to sleep though. My heart still pains. And I don't mean physically. But... Soulfully? Well emotionally. It's crying so to speak. Horribly. It's crying and wanting the consolidation it needs but it never will get it because he's not real. I love him. I think I always will. I should pretend he's dead and just move on with myself. But I've been trying that for the passed few years. How many? 3 maybe? I want to go home. I want to walk through the door and take my boots off. Looking up as he greets me from the counter in our open kitchen. To see that smile and hear his voice speak to me. Those intense blue eyes that could give you chills for days. His height. His broad shoulders. The classy way he dressed. His partially wild midnight hair. His large hands. The way he carried himself so confidently and always seemed to know all there was in the world. How can I forget him. I don't even know who he is for crying out loud. It seems way stronger than a figment of imagination. Maybe someone from a past life. I'll never know. I just wish there was a way to cope with it. I just wanna forget him and be with Danielle. That's what I want. Even though it hurts. I want him gone so I can be with my girl. To be truly with her. But this hurts too much. 

If there's a rocket, tie me to it.

Yeah I do still enjoy using makeup from time to time, but unlike when I was female, now I just use it to fool around, experiment, and just have fun. I think I sort of went for a tribal look here. Not sure what the point was, I just kind of let the brush do as it pleased. It's 07.05 here right now and I have to try and type quietly since my Mum is getting ready for work and I should be sound asleep at the moment. I have a feeling I will get caught either way, but at least I don't have to go to the bathroom anymore; I sneaked downstairs and used the bathroom down there while Mum was in the shower. So I'm good for another bit! 

Anyway... I'm 19 as of last fredag. (Learning the "Danish days of the week"  I'm so slow orz) I never asked for anything so instead, on lørdag, Mum took me to the Calgary Zoo. When we first got there, it started to rain and hail like crazy! So we had to seek shelter under one of the buildings. The hail stones were just a bit smaller than a golf ball. After I think, twenty minutes, the rain went away and it was quite sunny for the rest of the day. We saw lots of animals and I could tell that Mum had lots of fun too. Even though it was my birthday, Mum hasn't been to the zoo in over twenty years- where I've been three times in the last couple of years I was in school. She was very excited when the weather turned nice, so I wanted to show her all the neat animals! In the end, we didn't get to see the elephants, the penguins, or the Canadian Wildlife section. We may go next weekend to see what we missed- depending on weather. But yeah, we were there for four hours and still didn't see everything! I would have liked to have seen the dinosaur section too, but Mum thinks it's boring, so I didn't bother asking. Besides, I've seen it before anyways!

Then on søndag, we travelled up to my Real Home- The Mountains!! We decided to go through Kootenay this time, since Mum and I really love that park- very beautiful~ We did a bit of hiking and just enjoyed the lovely smell of the trees and the pure majestic view of the Rocky Mountains. We also visited the beloved Simpson River. Not only is the view magnificent, but it shares the same last name as mine! I do love my last name- I'm sure I've mentioned that before haha. And we didn't arrive home until almost 21.00! Mum also said that we might be able to sneak a few more trips to the mountains before winter settles in. I love the mountains best in the winter, but it's very dangerous to travel there during that time, so I understand. I'm just thankful for the few trips I do get to travel home. I feel relaxed and calm just thinking about it. One day, if I do manage to get my Driver's Licence, I wish to put my Snow Patrol on repeat and just roam the mountain highways. Just to get lost with nature. Maybe go on a few hiking trips myself like I did in Newfoundland. Just to escape and let my true home envelop me in comfort. (Until I get eaten by bears hahahahahaha! Just kidding~)

Material wise, when I was at the zoo, I bought myself a large wolf hat (fake of course, no worries) It has really long ear flaps and at the bottom of them, they have little pockets to put my hands in. I absolutely adore hats in that style. I just wish it wasn't over $31 .___. I really need to watch my spending since I don't have a job or anything. It's just so easy to spend money with a bank card Dx  The other "material wise" thing I got for my birthday, which my Mum bought, was a really cool Dragon ornament. I believe he's perching on an old decaying building with pillars and he has his wings curved around this glass plate. Under the plate, there's this transparent red hollow cylinder with flames painted on it. Then inside the cylinder, there's a light and I can control the brightness with a dial. I hope I described it proper. I haven't admired it enough yet to remember it's details, but I can promise you that it is very lovely! The plate is supposed to be for that scented liquid stuff that makes the room smell nice once it's heated, but instead I've just put a bunch of shells from Newfoundland in it since the original container for them is really overflowing haha. 

On a new topic, lately I've been really itching to make a webcomic of some sorts. But I hardly have the creative juices for it! D: I want it to be a sort of yaoi/boylove comic, but not in the typical style of the Uke/Seme universe where it's all like Uke: "BAKA!! Get away from me!" Seme: "No I love you. Let me molest you some more" Then, Uke: "Omg turns out I loved him all along! I don't ever want to leave him!" Because, as funny as it is, it does get overplayed way too much lmao. I just wish I had the creativity to come up with something good! I'd like it to be kind of Final Fantasy-ish too. Their stories are always so.... so deep and heart-clinging y'know?

I guess I'll go for now since I've updated a lot recently.

I don't feel 19.

Everybody seems to want a reason for everything. Solutions are so much easier to figure out with someone or something to blame. But I have always struggled at the root of the problem. Has it been my absence or my constant lack of defence? I have never spent a lot on finding a remedy. I guess I just figured that it hurt for a reason. I guess that's why I've always turned to writing it down. Not just in stories, but the letters in between. And I guess that's why it haunts the pages of everything. In order to self-examine. I think the thing is that I shut off from everything. From friends, family, my own ambitions, from having fun, and so many other things. I just shut off from everything. Am I self-defeating? Yeah, probably. But I didn't know that I had total control over it. And I'm not sure it even matters why. Sometimes things happen and you can't do anything about it. Plus, I'm the only one who deals with it anyway. So, if everyone could do me a favour and just look away, put their fingers down, and keep their mouths shut. 

Sorry I know I seem angry, but I'm not, I promise. I just know I did this to me and I will have to deal with it accordingly. And I don't need opinions from those who were never a part of it. I don't need them pointing out my problems, they are mine. I don't need reminders, I know better about them than anyone. And yeah I know, I should be finding another way. I know that I should be out seeking a substitute. But just forgetting about everything never really made sense to me. So I haven't been. Do I feel embarrassed about it? I think you know the answer to that. And I think you would probably feel a little bit embarrassed for me, wouldn't you?See, I can tell. I know I should have moved on ages ago and been happy already, but it's just never been that easy for me. Or maybe it could have been me that made it so hard. I know I've only ever tried a handful of times to sever this thing torturing me. It never got me anywhere with anyone. No friendship or hobby, no lover's bed fixed the problem, or at least made things easier. But looking back, I probably never tried hard enough. And it is my fault.

Maybe I never tried at all.

It's been a while.

Well that was me on the air plane when I was returning home from my holiday. Over all it went really well. Better than I expected really, despite the poor weather. My mum complained about it the whole time, but I honestly thought it was great. It was a very nice break from the 30+ degrees we've had in Alberta. While I was in Newfoundland, my depression lowered like you wouldn't believe and I was eating lots and sleeping lots. It was very relaxing and it made me realize how much I missed my Nan and Pop. When I saw them at the air port in St. John's, I almost wanted to cry. I'm so emotional since the Panic Disorder started. It's extremely easily to make me cry- whether it be happily or sadly. I wish I had better control over it though. I bonded a lot with my Pop this year. This trip, I decided that I would try to be social and kind to everyone every chance I got. And I did it! My Pop seemed very happy and so did my Nan as well. They were always hugging me and telling me how much they loved me. It was very nice. Very very nice. We didn't go to the city this time, but that's okay. My mum, Nan, and I, went to the mini mall in the next town over to go shopping. I was feeling very light headed and ill that day though, so I only got two shirts and then had to go sit down on a bench in the corridor, while I waited for my mum and Nan to finish. We then had to go home because I started feeling very anxious and uncomfortable. I think it was because I wasn't used to being at the mall. I noticed when I'm in public places that I'm unfamiliar with, my anxiety really starts acting up and it gets harder to fight. When we went the second time though, I was able to control it and buy a few things for myself and my girlfriend. We also went "Up the shore" as the Newfies say, to some little nick nack stores and bought souvenirs and such.

Since Mum and I returned on a Saturday, I decided that I should go into the woods and escape from the world for a little while- at least once before I had to leave. So that's what I did on the Friday before. Right after I ate my supper, I put my shoes on and left. I didn't say that I was going, so no one knew where I was. That made me feel very relaxed and free with myself. There's a hiking trail about five minutes from my grand parent's house. It goes deeply into the woods, almost constantly going uphill. I left the house at 6 and walked for about two hours, all the way to the end- which is called Lousy Rock. It's right across from the town's light house. I was dripping with sweat when I reached the rock and I fell on top of it and just laid there for ten minutes. Soaking in the twilight sun. Breathing in the Forest's natural perfume. Lacing the fresh salty air between my fingertips, letting it dance through my hair. At that moment I felt so accomplished. So alone. So free. So small. Surprisingly it was a nice feeling. A reassuring one. Then I realized the time and almost ran all the way back home haha. I fell once, and it bruised my knee, but I just walked it off and I was good in no time. Dark had fallen by the time I had gotten out of the woods and my mum and Pop had just pulled out of the driveway to go looking for me- then pulled back in when they saw me coming up the road haha. 

I was sore for days after that. But I wish I could do it again. I wish I lived near the forests so I could disappear within it's shelter for an hour or two. I can't even describe how surreal it was. How wonderful it was. Just to sort of- erase myself from society. I like doing that. Not in a suicidal sort of way, but in a "I want to be alone with nature" kind of way, if that makes sense. It makes me wish I was closer to finishing school. Then I'd go and apply for a job in the mountains already. 

But of course laziness solves nothing.

On another topic, I found out yesterday that my friend Scott moved to my town. We hung out and chatted with him, his girlfriend, and his family for a few hours. I felt happier than I have been since I've come back from Newfoundland. I really do enjoy Scott's friendship and his girlfriend's as well (Her name's Kelsey for future reference) Both of them have been greater friends to me than any of the friends I've had in... probably my whole lifetime. Apart from Jace and my online friends of course. So now that Jace has gone off to college, I won't be completely alone if I need someone who's around my age to just hang out with and talk about pointless and not-so-pointless things. 

If only I could keep my mood up. 

If only, if only, the wood pecker sighed.

A long road leading nowhere.

It seems that I've lost myself again. It hurts.

This Isn't Everything You Are

My thumb looks broken. Wow. Hate my digits so much.

Really hating on everything today. Nothing is right. I feel horrible and sick. My mum has been coming at me and trying to get me to make another appointment with my psychologist. She thinks I need another medication increase. I think it's high enough, but alas, my mood is horrid. Sleeping has gotten bad again, my depression is increasing again, and my appetite has decreased. I'm honestly tired of seeing doctors. I'm seeing my councillor at least on the 30th. I don't know what to talk about though. I really don't. I'm not sure what's bothering me this time. Maybe the heat, but I can't do anything about that. If the weather is above 20 degrees then I begin to stop functioning properly. I get hot extremely easily and it makes me sick. I hate what my body has become. I can only hope that it improves at least a little bit once I do start hormones, which I wish was sooner than later. I just hope I can still refrain from cutting, but the urge is getting stronger and harder to battle.

I had a strange dream last night. I'm not sure what to make of it.

I dreamt I was one of my characters from the story I had typed up a year ago. He's the antagonist. A very tall man. It was weird being up that high from the ground lol. Basically, his goal his to capture the main character, who is a 16 year old girl. She was originally his mate from her past life, but she died and now he's trying to get her back because he needs to have a child with her. Once that child is of age, it will be the key to destroying the planet and enslaving the human and demon race and yadda yadda. OVER ALL BAD GUY, OKAY? Anyways... in the dream, I was this guy, but he was still controlling himself... I guess? I mean, I couldn't do anything with the body I was in, it was as if someone else was controlling it. But I'll just refer to him as myself so it doesn't get too confusing... I hope... So in the beginning, I had just walked into a bathroom and I silently closed the door behind me. It was a rather large bathroom and I was focused on the shower, which someone was in. I walked up to it and took off all my clothes. I sighed soundlessly and somehow got into the shower without making a noise. The girl was there, rinsing out her long blue-black hair. Suddenly I rushed forward and pinned her against the shower wall. She yelled out in surprise. I wrapped my arms around her quickly and started whispering in her ear. I don't remember what I said, but she stayed as still as she could. She was shaking under me. I could smell the fear emanating off of her as I leaned down and began kissing her back, her arms, all over her neck. I heard her breathing deepen and she started to lean into me. She was so small, so soft, so fragile. After a small while, she began to moan quietly and without warning, I whipped her around to face me. She was like a frightened animal, but her pupils were dilated with lust. I gripped onto her wrists and held her tightly against the shower wall again and forced my lips against hers. She fought a bit, but she was also aware of how much stronger I was than her.  My sex had grown hard already and I teased her own with it. As soon as I touched her, she gasped into my mouth and at that moment I felt like I had lost "control" over myself. I had to be inside her. I released her arms and picked her up, wrapping her legs around my waist. I smiled and rested my forehead against hers and whispered for her to put her arms around my neck. She obeyed and I kissed her gently. Afterwards I decided to enter her and she gasped loudly as she took my rather large size. 

After that I woke up. When I think about it, I smile, yet I feel embarrassed by it at the same time. It's so strange, I don't even know why I had that dream. I dream about that guy a lot too. For the past four days, I have had at least one dream with him in it. But he's a fictional character? He doesn't exist? And I've never been with anyone like him in my life either. But supposedly if you dream about a person constantly, that means they are real? Not sure what to think about that at all. Wish I knew how to make sense of this.

Anyways... Going to Newfoundland in a few weeks, I hope I can have a real good vacation, I hope I don't stress as much as I normally do about things. It's been three whole years since I've been there. After what Sarah did to me, I didn't want to go so much anymore, but my Nan and Pop are counting on me to be there, so I shall go regardless. Just hope I don't see that twit or else the vacation will be ruined. I also hope I can finish my math on time. I have been neglecting it again due to lack of focus. I really need to sit down and work on it again like I did that while ago. I've moved back into my room so it will be quiet. That should help me I hope. Not looking forward to my final. I dread that, I really do.

I began reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower again today. I love this book so much. It is kind of helping my mood as well, so I should read it whenever I can. Just not in one day again, or else my mother will get mad- which is understandable. 

Snow Patrol has released their North American tour dates too. They're going to Calgary. If only I had someone to go with. No one I know likes Snow Patrol. It's kind of saddening because they mean so much to me. Especially Gary. He's really my favorite person in the entire world and I hope no one reading this will be offended by that, but I just want to tell the truth. He is #1 in my book, he really is. 

I wish I could meet him, just have a hug and say thank you. Simple as that. Nothing fancy. Oh if only if only. 

I wish I was healthy already.

I feel like Death.

I'm so tired, I hardly slept last night. I think it's because I'm sleeping in the bed in the basement instead of my bed upstairs in my room. It is way too hot to be upstairs though. It might get up to 38 degrees today and I have problems functioning at anything above 20 degrees. I can't use  my computer either, since it's in my room and it would overheat very easily. I don't want to put it through that, so I am stuck with this weak little notebook. Oh well I suppose.
Last entry I was talking about how I'm trying to keep a positive attitude. Well after my father's birthday, it kind of vanished. I can't even bring myself to be happy anymore. Where did that happiness go? I wonder. I've noticed that I am still losing all of my real life friends. My so called "best friend" back stabbed me right before she left to move in with her "Fiance" that she had only been  with for 4 months and she's already pregnant. I only have cruel things to say about her now. I wish I had known just what she was truly like. If I had, I would have left her alone with her mother. I really would have. 
The only friend from this town that I had left, left to move into a small city about 45 minutes from here and hasn't spoken to me since. I think he was the only one that really accepted me for who I was. Now just to make it clear, I am not mad at him. He has done nothing wrong. I'm just a bit lonely I suppose. I think the worst that has happened this year though is my cousin... I have spoken about her before. Her name is Sarah. Yeah her. I was quite close to her for many years. Well now she has gone too. She hates me. You want to know why? Because I'm Transgender. Because I want to be a boy. Because I want to be comfortable in my own skin and true to myself. And she says I have back stabbed her because of that. I really don't see how that works. But it just goes to show that like the "friends" I had in school, she was just a fake as well. None of them were truly my friends. If they were, then they would have accepted me for who I am and who I want to be. They would support me and stand by me. But they all got mad at me and became disgusted with me. I guess that's what I get for being in a small redneck cowboy town. I guess that's what I get for having cousins who live on a small rock with indecent schooling and harsh religious ideas. Sarah, she told me "You need to stop trying to be a boy because deep down I know you are a GIRL" That really hurt me and made me mad. So I wrote to her telling her that I don't want to have anything to do with her if she is going to be that way to me. I don't have to stand for her verbal abuse. I didn't for the people at my old school so I don't have to with her. It's a shame that I had to say that to her, but it is what she deserves. 
I almost regret buying those tickets to Newfoundland now. If she had only told me sooner, I wouldn't have bothered with them. I would have saved my money for my college. But they don't take refunds, which pisses me off. I honestly could be doing better things than wasting my time there. Before, I had really wanted to go, I missed my family there, but now I don't want to go. I want to stay home.
Moments like these make it extremely difficult to stay away from my old ways of depression. Blades become enticing once again and food appears to be disgusting. 
Why is it so hard to just be who I want?