Of distant car horns...

Not quite sure what to post for a photo, so here have a recent drawing of mine. I've come a long way from when I first started taking drawing seriously and forming it into a hobby of mine. I can't draw on paper worth shit anymore though. 

This post will probably be completely full with negativity, so be warned.

All my thoughts have been negative lately, I can't come to bring myself out of it. Everything seems to not be going well and as soon as it turns to a brighter corner, it all collapses again. I just want to hurt and starve and destroy myself. I'm so tired.

I hate my body so much, I just want this weight to go away. But no matter what I do, it just stays the same or I gain more. What else should I do?
To get these bags ridden of? The unwanted and excessities that shouldn't be there. I want to see my bones.

I've heard of middle-child syndrome, do they have a youngest-child syndrome too? Where the first born is the most perfect creation your parents have ever made and the youngest will never ever be able to live up to those expectations, no matter how hard they try? 

If there is such a thing, I think I have it. But I think I cause it more so than my family does. I am my worst enemy, I'll admit it. I got my report card today and I suppose I'm really sensitive over my marks. 80's in Psychology and Forensics, but only 65 in Mathematics. Mum praised me for the first two, but I got pissed because it's nothing to be happy over really. The Math says otherwise. My marks aren't something to be happy over. Psychology and Forensics don't mean anything in the real world. All they focus on are the 4 cores. That's why they're called "core" because that's what you need in order to expand and make anything of yourself. That's why the other classes are called "extras" They don't mean anything but points in order for you to graduate. It's not fair really, people say I'm smart and brilliant, but when you look at the marks, they say otherwise. I'm not smart. I'm not brilliant. I am definitely not above average. It's all lies. It won't all be okay. It won't be alright. It just won't. The world isn't kind to the ill-minded. If you're stupid, you're going to be poor and not be able to make ends meet and you're just going to die an old, lonely, miserable soul. 

That's reality.

That's what people are so afraid of.
That's what they try to lie about. To hide the truth from us and say, "hey if you try hard, you can do it. If you give it your best, that's all that matters"
Except that's not how life works.
You can try and try all you bloody well want, but if you don't meet the standards or the expectations, you're rotten meat. You're a bag. You're a waste of space, skin, and existence.

And that's all I am. I'm not as smart as Nick. I'm not as resourceful as Matt. I'm not a hard worker like Mum or Dad. 
I'm none of that.
And no matter how hard I try, no matter if I give it my best shot. I'll never live up to those expectations. I'll never make it. I'll never achieve anything. 

I'm sorry but no one can tell me different. No one can sugar coat it for me and say that things will get better or improve. No one can tell me that I'm not trying hard enough. 
They don't know the pain I've gone through in order to just get this far. 
How much I've struggled, how much I've hurt, how much I've been yelled at.
Nor will I say the details in which this happened to me.
I don't want pity. I don't want sympathy.
I just want to go away now.

But I can't even do that.

Never Good.

So I've done it again. I fucked up. I made another huge mistake. This is why I don't want to be here anymore. My poor mother. All I do is upset her and make her suffer. Everything I do is wrong. If I stay at home, she's mad because I never go out. If I go out with friends, she's mad because I'm not home. I sit on my ass all day. I'm not allowed to get sick. I got my period today, so I've been bed ridden from cramps and now mum is mad at me because I didn't do what she asked. I am really sorry. No I am not being sarcastic. I just wish I could do something right for once. I just wish I could make you happy. I wish I could do something right for once. I tried offering help earlier but she just said "No, I can do it, you go to your room and rest." Talk about a real guilt trip huh. Why can't I be a good son. Why do I never fear the consequences until they happen. Why do I not care until it's too late. Making the both of us miserable. Why doesn't mum treat Nick and Matt this way? I guess because I'm the youngest and I'm not healthy. At least Matt is supporting himself. Nick finished school and went to college. I've done nothing but hurt Mum. Cause her pain, have her miss work, waste her money on pills and such just for me. I'm not even the little girl that she always wanted. I had to fuck that up too. 

In the midst of things, I still have to buy everyone presents and I've picked up smoking again. Maybe I'll be lucky and get cancer so I can die sooner. I also have a feeling that my self-harming activities may come back. I need to be punished somehow. Being yelled at or ignored completely just isn't enough. 

Live freaky, die freaky

I dyed my hair an insanely bright color of red and I'm not sure if I like it yet or not. And I'm too tired to take a "today" picture of me, so have a really bad facebook photo instead.

I felt like I should post today because lately I've been feeling really happy with myself and somewhat of my life as well and I think I should try to focus a bit on that and try to have that feeling last as long as I can before I hit that rut again. I know I will hit it, that's the joys of depression, but it doesn't mean that I can still try and be happy. Recently I haven't had any thoughts of self-harm or suicide. I haven't contemplated killing myself like I have been for the past while. I was supposed to see my psychologist this month, which I was really in need of, but I can't see her until the end of January. Oh the joys of living in a small town .___.

But lately I don't feel like I need to see her so badly anymore. Like I said, I've been in a more positive mood- very chipper. I noticed it whenever I started hanging out with Scott and Kelsey. (Scott is Transgender as well) They're just... really good friends. I mean really good. To me, they are seriously the best friends I had ever had in my life. I don't think I've ever felt so comfortable around someone before as I do with them. They're like family, maybe even closer in a way... Can friends be closer than family? I'm not even sure how to describe it exactly, but I'll try... 

With all of the friends that I've had in the past (And with this I mean RL friends, not Online friends, okay?) I've always felt a little uncomfortable with them. I always felt like I had to watch what I was saying and what I was doing. I always felt like I was being judged, like they all looked down on me or something. I just felt like I wasn't needed, that I felt like an attachment that shouldn't be there. I felt so out of place, regardless of whichever friend(s) I was with. But with Scott and Kelsey... I feel like I can TRULY be myself. I don't have to be uncomfortable in my own skin when around them and I always feel immediately happy when around them. I think they are my true best friends. The first real ones I've ever had. I don't feel as if they're judging me, I don't feel like a third wheel, I just feel like they make me belong. I actually don't get nervous when we plan to hang out or anything and I've never had that before. Whenever I would plan to hang out with my past friends, I'd always get severely nervous and sometimes my stomach would get upset because of how anxious I felt. But with Scott and Kelsey, I don't get that feeling. I just get really happy and excited to see them. It kind of makes me understand the feeling that Charlie would experience whenever he was hanging out with his friends. That he was truly happy, that he felt infinite. (Charlie is from The Perks of Being a Wallflower) I still don't know if I explained it well enough. But I do love these guys. And I hope I don't ever lose them because I'm afraid of the kind of mood I might end up in if I do lose them. They're not fake, they're not judgemental. I don't feel like I'm constantly under scrutiny being with them. And I always had those feelings with past friends and I lost all but one of them whenever I came out as Trans, so that just goes to show how they weren't ever my friends at all. But Scott and Kelsey are and that makes me very happy.

In other news, I saw my doctor yesterday about my nose. He says I have sinusitis like my brother (who he constantly said was a nice boy and how we look very similar) And he said that I'm probably allergic to my pets and suggested that I "get rid" (He said it nicer) of them. And right away, I said no lol. Honestly, I'd rather suffer than give up my babies, especially Smokey. I've had her since I was 9, so I ain't getting rid of her now. You couldn't pay me enough to do that. So instead he said I should keep them out of my room... but I haven't really been doing that either... oops. I've been keeping the dog out if that counts .__. Although I feel like shit because he's stuck in the living room all by himself. So tomorrow, I will probably let him in while mum is at work. It's like denying your child attention when they're crying to have it, just to be in your company makes them content. So why would you tell them no? Especially if you love them? I know I wouldn't... Except at night lmao. No pets in my room when I'm trying to sleep haha. Put I am washing my hands more often and I should probably wash my bedding and vacuum more often as well. Yeah... Also, I almost died this morning. My doctor told me to get a nasal rinse thing to help clear my sinuses, and I used it this morning... I swear I was gonna drown omg. Basically you're squirting salt-water up one nostril until the water comes out on the OTHER SIDE A;LSDKJFASDNF;ASILDFJ. And then you repeat for the other nostril. The whole time I was like "OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD" It didn't hurt or anything, but it was just the most uncomfortable thing I ever experienced. And now I get to do it EVERY DAY YAY. Oh me... anyways...

Ahh... One other thing I want to mention because I'm still thinking about it.

On Sunday, before mum and I went for groceries, we went to fill up on gas and so I was just chillin' like a villain in the passenger seat and I happen to look up and see a guy that looks EXACTLY like Gary Lightbody, walk out of the gas station with a coffee and head to his car. My jaw dropped and I almost screamed. I seriously almost had a fanboy meltdown. For real I thought it was him. But I checked the Snow Patrol tour dates and it said they were in the States on the other side of the country, so.... It wasn't him. I was let down, but also glad because if it were him, then that meant that I missed him and couldn't get a hug and or autograph *A* So yeah... THERE'S THAT STORY. I'm such a weird person, I really am. I just love that man too much, regardless of his age difference. 

I think I'll leave this post at that. (So awkward D:)