Space Dementia

I feel that I look a lot like my brother in the picture. Not quite sure why, but I think it's mostly our facial structure. It's very similar. I also had to put the picture lower because otherwise, it would break up my paragraphs really strangely. o__o Damn you blogspot! *waves angry fist*

Damien, since I know you read this, I just want to thank you for the comment on my last entry. It really made me think long and hard. And yeah, I would like to be the guy that I dream about. He's basically the epitome of who'd I'd like to work myself into being. So, thank you. It means a lot to me and I'm glad I have a friend that has gone through similar things as me, it truly makes a person feel like they have someone there for them, someone who has been through what you have. It's comforting. It really is. I want to thank Danielle too, for understanding and still staying with me despite the problems that swirl around in my head that try to cause problems for those closest to me. I love you Danielle.

Tonight there is going to be a block party at 17.30 and I'm thinking about going. I kind of want to, but don't at the same time. The reason why I want to is because I am such a horrible introvert and I should get out more and try to meet people. I need to try and improve my agoraphobia and become a little bit more social. I don't need to go overboard, but I think something like this would be a good step forward towards improving myself. I need to get myself out there a bit. Even if people in this backwater town are afraid or weirded out by me, I need to show them too, that I am a good person- at least I try to be. I think I'll start getting ready at 15.00. I will probably have to eat beforehand since I doubt there will be anything gluten free there except maybe a vegetable platter here and there .___. Apparently there is treatment for people with Celiac Disease? I visited a migraine doctor a few weeks ago and she asked if I was on treatment for it... Maybe I'll look into it sometime because I really do miss eating normal foods that aren't stupidly expensive. Sweet Isis, I miss chicken nuggets so bad omg. Hahaha. I can't even have canned soup! How stupid is that!?

Oh wait... just got news that mum isn't going to it afterall... KAY NOT GOING TO IT LOL. If I was only gonna go if mum was going and she just told me she wasn't and I'm not going by myself... So looks like I get to be agoraphobic some more and can put off my shower again haaaah. This always happens... I'll plan to do something and something else comes up and it gets cancelled or I can't go to such and such. If I had known that mum wasn't going to go earlier, then I would have asked for a mountain trip. Maybe I'll ask later for tomorrow. Because I haven't been there for a while and I really miss it.

I got a letter the other day from my cousin- the one I fell out with. She wants to be friends again, but she was very stupid with going about it. She insulted me and my girlfriend- calling my Danielle a slut and a sleeze bag. And then she said she was sorry about causing a fight. I just looked at the letter like, "What?" She insulted my girlfriend and I and then expects me to want to "kiss and make up?" What kind of messed up logic is that? It just made me more mad than her. I called her out on being jealous too. Because whenever I got close to a friend or had a partner, she would always seem to get stuck up and would leave a lack of reply (Sorry that makes no sense) whenever when we would talk. Like... As soon as I'd mention I was with someone or hanging out with someone lots, she would suddenly give me one worded answers and she'd seem mad. So to my conclusion, she's jealous and wants me "all to herself" I hope that doesn't make me sound conceited, but it is the truth. She called me a backstabber when I told her I was staying in Alberta and not moving in with her. Even after I explained it was because of my Transgender situation and worrying about the lack of money where she lives. I know I will get a response letter from her once she gets mine, and I don't expect it to be nice either. My letter to hers definitely wasn't nice, but she really deserves it. Sorry, but I like to stick up for myself. So if she tries to make the fight worse. I'm just going to put on my response, "I am done with this. Any further letter you send me will not be read, but instead torn up and thrown in the trash. YOU HAVE BEEN REPLACED AND FORGOTTEN." And that will be the end of that. 

In lighter news, mum is making me bananabread-muffins and she is letting me lick the bowl and the beaters. It's delicious. Speaking of which, I have sort of... semi started cooking. I make supper every now and again for the family and had to make supper for myself a few times when mum was really tired or out late with work. I think that's a good start towards adulthood. And I might be able to graduate next year from school. If only I stay up with my math Dx I just want it to end already. I want a different course D': At least I'm on the last module. But the final test still scares me. And I'm sure I've mentioned this before. And lately I really haven't been sleeping well, despite my sleeping pills. But I don't want to increase because three pills really drains me out and I can't function at all. And I don't want to switch because these pills have been keeping the hallucinations away. Such a dilemma this is... 

Lately I've been really dysphoric too. Mostly with my chest-size. No matter what I do, I don't pass at all. No matter what baggy shirt I wear or how many layers I have, or how tight I put my binder, they still show, and I still don't pass. It's probably still my face too because I am very baby girly faced. I wish I knew ways to improve myself. Ways to pass right away. I just wish I knew. I know my voice gives it away, but even if I don't speak, people know that I am female and it really hurts. I wish I could get my testosterone sooner, I wish the waiting list wasn't so long. I called the clinic to ask to be put on a cancellation list, but you can only go on it if you've been there before. So that deflated my hopes. I just wish I knew what to do about it so I can be more comfortable in my skin.