Sleep with one eye open

Alright, not quite sure what's going on with the formatting of my blog right now, so please bear with me if it's a little weird. I didn't know that the last post didn't change the font color like it should have automatically, but it is fixed. Good thing they have a highlighting tool hey?
Uhm... So my first month on Testosterone has passed by and very quickly at that.  I don't like the extra acne, the even less hours of sleep, and the further weakening of my vocal chords, but these are all things that can be solved easily, so I don't see them as a huge deal. The acne can be treated, I could just go to bed earlier, and look up vocal exercises on the internet. \'--'/ Big whoop lol. I am sort of having trouble getting used to the weight gain still. I might be 46 kgs now, but I could be wrong. It just freaks me out because my face has filled out and my skinny jeans are a bit tougher to get into- plus I got a bit of a paunch trying to show up on my stomach- It all gets the voices at the back of my head screaming crazy tyrants and insults at me, but I'm trying to ignore them the best I can. There's nothing wrong with being 45 or 46 or even 50 kgs Sora... you need to keep that in mind please.  I want this change so badly, I refuse to give up on it. Regardless of those downsides, the positives definitely outweigh the negatives. Just in general, I'm so much happier than what I used to be. It has me wishing hopefully that maybe I'll be able to size down on how much medication I take, but if I don't get to that point, I'm fine with that too.  I saw Simmone in Edmonton last month and she said that Dr. Warneke had sent a referral to the surgeon for my top surgery as well. I didn't think he would have done that right away since that was the first time I had ever seen Dr. Warneke, but he did it. And if I don't hear from the surgeon by May, Simmone said I could phone the hospital to ask if they got the referral or not. The waiting list is two years long, but it's all paid for! So I think it's work the wait.

Lately I've also been feeling overwhelmed with school work. It just keeps coming in and in and I feel like I'm hardly making any progress. It's stupid too because, when I get overwhelmed, then I don't want to do it and if I don't do it, the work will just pile up more.... My brain seems to forget common sense a lot. I just want to leave already and get a job and have my own place and be an adult already. I shouldn't be in such a rush, it honestly isn't a fun life being an adult, but I want to try to be independent. I want to leave the nest so to speak and make my mark on the world. I want to prove that I can be better than the rest of my family. I just have this insatiable urge to "be the best" Sometimes I feel like my dad's branch of the Simpson family is looked down upon by his brothers and sisters and such. We were never as "successful" as they all are. We're not rich, we don't have big fancy trucks or cars. We're hardly even scraping by and I feel really judged by that. I shouldn't let that bother me, but I hate how they look down on us. Nick went to college, but what is he doing? Living in my mother's basement working at a gas station. Matt might be in jail next month- I'll say that much. So he's not too fair off. I just want to prove that my dad's family is just as fucking good as they are. And I want my mum and dad to be proud. Because they did a damn good job raising us (my mum would say otherwise about my dad, but I think he did great with what he could) And I want proof of that. I wanna show them that they did good. Really badly. I don't need to be stinking rich like them, but I just want to be successful. That's all. But in the end that might be too much to ask for.  However, I still want to try.


Sora might need a haircut soon- maybe just a trim...

Did I have it and lose it?

S'cuse me while I stuff my face with rice. I still haven't been feeling that great lately. Still have a cold, plus womanhood revealed itself on Monday so now I have to deal with that too. Really wish I could have my testosterone already. But I have a few months to wait yet.

I'm single once again. That didn't last long did it? Megan...  I'm not sure how to explain it really. Recently she's been hanging out with a drug addict- I'm wondering if she's been taking drugs with him too. Her behaviour has been really sporadic and dangerous. She was constantly threatening Scott and Kelsey and everyone at her work was terrified of her. Kelsey  was afraid to be alone with Megan. So Scott had no choice but to kick her out. She... seriously stated that she wanted to kill a cat and wanted to go dig up a baby's grave... all for cigarettes. She won't let Scott take her to the ward in Medicine Hat or Calgary because she thinks she's completely fine. She's also been frolicking around with this Matthew guy she's known for a long time. She might have some actual STD's as well... So I'm very glad that our relationship didn't become sexual. That could have been a real mess. So she's forgotten all about me, so I suppose I'm "off the hook" so to speak. After a while it didn't really feel like we were in a relationship anymore anyways. I knew something was up when I began to feel that. I always get strange feelings about this sort of thing when my relationship with someone is suddenly about to end.

Too be honest, I kind of miss Danielle. She was always easy to talk to, I felt like I genuinely cared about her. I actually didn't mind calling her "babe" or any other pet name and I enjoyed our conversations when I was upset. What I liked most was making her feel like someone cared for her. She didn't think she was capable of having someone actually love her, but I did. At the time I suppose. I always end up missing the person who hurts me. I still miss the other one. I hate going to Medicine Hat in fear of seeing him... But I don't really want to talk about him. When stuff like this happens, I don't actually feel hurt, like I should cry or feel sad. I don't feel that, but I say they hurt me because I know a normal person would be upset over it. That it should hurt, even though it doesn't. Maybe I have a problem with my feelings when it comes to other people... Who knows.

Mum had me weigh myself the other day and I didn't show it, but I was very terrified. The scale said I was 45kgs... I have never been that heavy in my life. I couldn't bring myself to really eat for a few days after that. I weighed myself yesterday and it said I was 44kgs, so I do feel better about that. It's just I shouldn't feel that way though. I should have been happy seeing that 45 on the scale. I feel happy when I can see my bones. I love seeing the scars on my body and I wish I had more. I'm not terribly underweight for my size, but I wish I was. And that's not right. Do I enjoy being sick? Do I like being unhealthy? Do I want to hurt myself? I'm starting to wonder.

My head is in such a mess.

Never Good.

So I've done it again. I fucked up. I made another huge mistake. This is why I don't want to be here anymore. My poor mother. All I do is upset her and make her suffer. Everything I do is wrong. If I stay at home, she's mad because I never go out. If I go out with friends, she's mad because I'm not home. I sit on my ass all day. I'm not allowed to get sick. I got my period today, so I've been bed ridden from cramps and now mum is mad at me because I didn't do what she asked. I am really sorry. No I am not being sarcastic. I just wish I could do something right for once. I just wish I could make you happy. I wish I could do something right for once. I tried offering help earlier but she just said "No, I can do it, you go to your room and rest." Talk about a real guilt trip huh. Why can't I be a good son. Why do I never fear the consequences until they happen. Why do I not care until it's too late. Making the both of us miserable. Why doesn't mum treat Nick and Matt this way? I guess because I'm the youngest and I'm not healthy. At least Matt is supporting himself. Nick finished school and went to college. I've done nothing but hurt Mum. Cause her pain, have her miss work, waste her money on pills and such just for me. I'm not even the little girl that she always wanted. I had to fuck that up too. 

In the midst of things, I still have to buy everyone presents and I've picked up smoking again. Maybe I'll be lucky and get cancer so I can die sooner. I also have a feeling that my self-harming activities may come back. I need to be punished somehow. Being yelled at or ignored completely just isn't enough. 

I don't think I can.

The picture is of my favorite childhood toy, Robin. I've had him since I was about three and he was made the same year I was born. He means a lot to me and has been a huge part of my life. I used to sleep with him beside me in my bed. Once my Mother told me that if the house ever caught on fire, that we wouldn't take anything and we would just run and leave everything else behind to burn. After she told me that, I started taking Robin literally everywhere with me and I would place him by the door in case a fire ever happened, I'd be able to grab him right away and he would be safe with me. I was a very strange child when growing up. 

I'm still not eating proper. I weighed myself this morning and I'm at 43kgs. I was actually happy when I discovered I had lost a kilogram. I think I'm afraid of getting fat. I think I've always feared it. Not to the point where I'd throw my food up, but to the point where I would starve myself. And I'm getting into that habit again. I know I shouldn't do such a thing, but whenever my BMI is below 18, I feel a bit happier with myself, like I accomplished something. But I feel that it could be lower. I don't ever want to reach 100 pounds. I've never been that high and I don't want to. I have a feeling I will once I start testosterone, but that can't be helped I suppose. This isn't healthy. I should tell my councillor about it, but I don't want to actually verbally state that I've been starving myself because I think I could be thinner. To be truly honest, I've thought this way since... probably when I first began puberty- when I was ten. I've hated my body since then. Even though I'm underweight, I don't feel like it. I don't feel like a cow either- don't get me wrong. But I always have that thought, "I could be thinner." I felt disgusted with myself yesterday for having fast food. Just a burger and fries. (minus the buns of course) And I felt so bloated and disgusted, I almost had a breakdown. I'm forcing myself to eat at least one meal a day and a multi-vitamine, so I don't drop too low. And I'm drinking loads more fluids too. Still doesn't make it right, I know. Maybe this phase will pass after a while like it always does. I hope it does. It'd be even nicer if it didn't come back after. I haven't been much in the mood to sleep either. I'm still taking my sleeping pills, but if my body doesn't want to sleep, it's not gonna happen. I look 75mgs the other day and I still had trouble sleeping. I usually take 50mgs. I'm beginning to wonder what caused this drop in my mood. Wasn't I really happy not that long ago? Because I was so excited and happy about the Gender Clinic and such? What happened to that? I need to find it again. I want my happiness to last longer than just a week or two because when the depression hits, it almost kills me. 

Wish I knew how to stay positive. Wish I wasn't such a negative person all the time. Wish I knew how.

Bones sinking like stones.

So I figured I should update for the sake of updating. I'm in a bit of a depressive state currently, but I'm trying to stay strong. I haven't been eating properly at all. Just apple and peanut butter in the early afternoon and then I snack on "poop" until I go to bed. IN MY DEFENCE IT'S NOT ACTUALLY POOP. I CAN PROMISE YOU THAT.

Lemme explain.
It's like raisins and melted chocolate put into a small little clump on a cookie sheet with plastic wrap and it's put into the fridge to cool. Then you have this chocolatey raisin clump of deliciousness. 
NOW the first time Mum made this, she put it in the fridge to harden and later on that day, Nick came upstairs to get a drink and saw the "creation" Mum made and asked her "Mum, did you put poop in the fridge?!" 
And Mum was like "YES, CAUSE I WOULD GO OUTSIDE AND TAKE SPRITE'S SHIT AND PUT IT IN THE FRIDGE." 
I laughed soooo harrrrdd. Hilarious. And so we've just called it "poop" ever since, because we don't have an actual name for it haha. Maybe Raisin Clusters would be better? Yeah that doesn't sound too bad haha. 
But yeah, that's what I've mostly been snacking on for the past three days for supper. I can't decide what to properly eat for the life of me. Mum would even ask me, "If you could have anything in the world to eat, what would it be?" And I have no answer for her and she could spend an hour listing everything we have and every time, I just say "No."  I'll picture the food in my head and it will immediately turn my stomach and I won't want it. I don't know why this is though. Also today, I was very dizzy and anxious and I haven't felt like that in a while. The de-realization was very strong too, which aggravated my anxiousness even more. I almost had a panic attack. I came very close. When such things happen, I really crave to be in the mountains. I crave to go home because I immediately feel better and calmer. And that's what kinda triggered my depression because I can't just hop on over there. I can't even see it from the outskirts of my town. I think it would help a bit if I could just sit down outside of Bassano and see them. If only they were closer. It hurts to be away from there, it physically and mentally hurts me. It's so strange how a place can do that to a person. I wonder what it means, especially since I wasn't born there. If I was, then it would make a bit more sense, but nope. Been stuck in this dead-end red-neck town my whole life. 
Scott is getting a new vehicle soon, he's been looking at a '99 ford 4x4. I'm gonna assume it's a f-150 like my truck. (except mine doesn't have 4x4 :c ) Either way, he said he wants to go on a really long cruise in it once he gets it and he asked me to go with him. So of course I said yes! Originally, the plan was to go to Saskatchewan. I wasn't too thrilled, but I just said "Oh, I've never been there before!" Which was truth, but there's a reason why- I hate Saskatchewan. xD Stupid flat province >___< Anyways, then he said "Unless you'd like to go through BC?" So then I fessed up how I hated Sask. and would prefer BC and the mountains, so that's how the plan changed. We texted earlier today and I told him how I was feeling and he told me to hold on- that in "literally" two weeks, we'll be able to go to the mountains. So that really brightened my mood. And I made him happy because I told him how much that meant to me haha. I'm so sappy aren't I? 
I just hope the weather is good and sunny! And the roads are clear D: ...And that Mum will let me go .__. The weather is kinda funky up there, which is why we don't go during winter, so I have a feeling mum might burst my happy bubble.  I trust Scott's driving though. He's the first one around my age that I actually feel comfortable with when in the car with him. He doesn't fuck around and I appreciate that. So I gotta cross my fingers real good for this to happen.

In other news, the interview with Ray went really good, her lecturer enjoyed the video a lot, so here's hoping she gets awesome marks! I'm glad I could help c: 
Also since I was in a shitty mood today, I spent over an hour in my truck in the cold, just singing Lady Gaga songs as loud as I could. The truck is really cranky with starting and so the engine didn't want to turn over. The battery is still alive though, so that's cool. I also got my x-mas shopping done for my friends too. Didn't cost me anything! :D I'm giving a shirt to Kelsey- I've only worn it a few times, so it's still fairly new. And I'm giving Megan two chokers (she's Scott's and Kelsey's roomate. We're not close friends, but I'd feel like a jerk if I didn't get her anything) And then for Scott, he wants me to go to Brooks with him to see his GP and stand up for him so he can get his referral letter for the Gender Clinic in Edmonton. His GP is a cranky old coot and won't listen to Scott, plus Scott is at a bit of a loss when telling people what's what sometimes. So he wants me there to back him up- which I personally think is better than any expensive gift I could give him- I get to help him get closer to becoming who he truly is. I think that's awesome. 
I also sort of ruined my pc mouse. There was years of disgusting grime on it and I had to press down the buttons in order to scrape it off, so now the buttons don't work as well anymore- gotta press real hard on them to work. Kinda annoying, but my mouse is clean now!
Oh well I suppose. But that's all that's new with me really. Nothing exciting as usual. Just a mere update.

Stay strong and happy, my friends~

And I'll spill like a leak in the basement.

For this post, I want to talk about mostly talk about the visit I had at the gender clinic in Edmonton. It was a four and a half hour drive to get there and since mum insisted on leaving early, we got there two hours before the actual appointment, so we had to hang around the hospital until then. That waiting period was horrible. Waiting always gets my nerves up, but I did feel a little better after I had a large jell-o cup thing. 
Anyways, when I got into the actual waiting room after I signed in, my nerves immediately vanished. I guess my excitement overtook my feelings then and I am definitely not complaining about that. Beforehand, I was scared though because my psychiatrist had me to believe that Alberta believed in the whole "You gotta be Trans* enough" thing. So I was afraid the gender clinic would be the same with me since my psychiatrist had already told me I wasn't Transgender enough. But after I filled out my papers, I talked to two of the specialists interns, Simmone and Carol. Carol being an MtF who transitioned in the 80's. She was training to be another gender specialist for Alberta, which was really good to hear. So I had to tell those two my "story" and Simmone took a bunch of notes and then later briefed Dr. Warneke about me before he came in. And let me tell you, really fricken impressed with him. And the interns too! Seriously I was so amazed about the appointment, I told them what was going on and what I wanted and they were all on board. Earlier, Simmone had asked me what made me the most dysphoric about my body and I told her my voice and chest. She glanced at my chest and frowned and said, "But your chest isn't that big...?" I responded by saying I bind and Carol and Simmone looked at each other then back to me and Simmone asked, "How big is your chest size?"  And I said "D-34 and both their jaws dropped, I couldn't help but laugh. It was just so funny seeing the shock on their faces. They said that they never would have guessed that.  Then afterwards, Dr. Warneke mentioned about my chest and said he would refer me to a surgeon for a mastectomy and also said it would be covered by Alberta Health. I was so relieved that it would be covered omg. I was so happy too and he also said that he was going to refer me to an endocrinologist as well. (Which would also be covered by my mum's healthcare!!) Overall it was just a really good day from there. We all spent over an hour talking about this lol. I just couldn't get over how understanding and how "on-board" they were with me. No nonsense about not being "Trans* enough"  The reason why I was so worried was because my psychologist learned under Dr. Warneke, she said that the doctor was her mentor, so immediately I was like "oh no... This won't be good" But it was completely the opposite. So I have a feeling come January when I see her, I'm gonna tell her what's what. In your face! Haha. But yeah, life is moving forward in the Trans* department for me. I figured it wouldn't be until years from now because of all the costs and everything, but no, since it's covered, I don't have to worry about money. I am very lucky that way. It will cost money for bottom surgery, but unlike my psychologist said, I don't have to get it if I don't feel the need to. And I really don't since it's just so unreliable and dangerous right now. I wouldn't mind getting the clitoral lengthening though. I'm fine with that. But the phalloplasty is out of the question until there's improvements on it and it's actually a bit more affordable... Plus I don't exactly feel comfortable travelling all the way to Serbia for it either.

My psychologist told me that in Alberta, you have to get Testosterone first, then two years after you can get chest surgery and then after you have to get bottom surgery. And you HAVE to get all the other surgeries along with that. You can't just have T or just top surgery. You HAVE TO DO ALL OF IT. And therefore she said I wasn't Trans* enough because I told her I was uncomfortable with bottom surgery.

But Dr. Warneke said and proved otherwise, and so I am extremely pleased with him and his interns and I am finally happy. And I can't wait to tell my councillor the good news too.

And later on I am helping my friend Ray from Hong Kong with a study report that her and a few of her classmates are doing. I think I mentioned it before (curse this damn memory!) So I am going to be doing that tonight. I really hope I'm not too awkward about it. Then later on in the weeks or something, a co-worker of my Mum's wants to talk to me about it- she's just friendly curious about it and just wants to see Transgenderism from my point of view. I think that's nice and wouldn't mind talking to her about it. I also have to work on a booklet that Dr. Warneke gave me. But I have three months until I go back to see them so I have time to fill it out. I only have two questions left out of the whole thing anyways haha. 

One more thing before I go, the other day, I saved a small bird from my cat, Smokey. Whenever we got her ten years ago, she was on an acreage in the prairie, so it's still in her instinct to hunt small animals and she's quite good at it too. But with this bird, she just kept playing with it and she even sneaked it into the house! After Smokey caught a hold of it again by her food dish (she was running away from me) I picked her up and took her into the porch, where the bird flew away again. I ran after it and caught it before Smokey could. She got real pissed off with me then haha. But I held the bird in the sun and kept it warm while it recovered from it's shock. It was shaking for a while, but then suddenly it looked at me, then flew off once and for all. I guess it looked at me to say thank you? Either way I felt really good afterwards, even if Smokey was mad at me for a while. She got over it when she realized cuddles were more important haha. But yeah, just thought I would share that with you guys.