Hush, hush.

Right now I am listening to an old Rock Classic cassette that I'm playing through my computer speakers. A lot of good memories happened with this tape and I plan to cherish it forever. I think I'm gonna have to look up a new cassette player on the internet sometime though because I'd say this one has just about had it. It cuts out constantly, especially if I move the desk whenever I type. I have a player in my truck, but there's a tape jammed in there and I tried for an hour trying to get it out and I never could. Even if I did, the player probably wouldn't work anyhow. I miss having cassettes and vhs tapes. I think they were the best really. Way better than this disk shit we have. (Although I have hundreds of dvds and cds xD) But I wish they had just stayed at vhs and cassettes. That would have been the best in my opinion. I think I might have to try and download the songs on this tape and upload them to iTunes and make a playlist like the tape, just to keep the memories going with these tracks. I've driven many miles with this tape. Hundreds of kilometres. It's so strange to think how a certain song can trigger different memories. Even scents and tastes. Weird how our mind works that way.

I tried posting from my iPhone last night, but Apple doesn't support Blogspot any more, so I guess I can't do that. It sucks because I was thinking about a lot of different things last night. Lately I haven't been talking to anyone at all. I just haven't been in the mood to converse with anyone. It's terrible because I know I'm hurting people by basically ignoring them. I'm not sure what my mind is up to this time. I always tend to have moments like these, they sprout out of nowhere and I just want to be by myself at all times and have no one around me or near me. I didn't feel that way when my old friend, Jace came by though. It was really nice to see him and I'm glad he still considers me as his friend when all the others shunned me after I came out. Today I don't feel good though. My stomach has been all hot and bothered and is constantly hurting. I didn't even eat anything that I shouldn't have! I didn't even cheat or sneak a cookie or anything! So why is my stomach bothering me today? It ruined my plans too because I had asked mum to take me to the mountains today- weather permitting- and my stomach had to be a jerk- like usual. The weather sucks today anyways, so I guess it doesn't matter. But I wanted to go there one more time before winter settled in since mum doesn't want to drive up there during that time. If only we lived closer at least. I also wish Danmark was closer too .__. Been really craving to visit there! One day I will, I'll try to at least. Just to visit and experience the culture and buy things and explore and all those good tourism things lol. I saw a video recently on Youtube about how popular bicycles are there. They showed this type of cycle that had a little carriage sort of thing in the front which was supported on two wheels and then you just have the one regular wheel in the back of the cycle. Kind of like a backwards tricycle? And that some people have them instead of cars since cars are RIDICULOUSLY expensive there. Gas too! And we Canadians complain about the gas... But anyways- I'd rather have a cycle like that instead of a car. That would be great! If only we had cycle lanes here like they do in København D: I bet if North America treated cyclists the way they do in København, we'd be able to reduce car emissions by a lot. Our planet would be a little greener, especially if they spread that mindset to the world! Just imagine... Oh silly me, ranting on about such things LOL. Hot damn am I ever boring. I just care about Earth I suppose. That's why I want to plant trees and clean up garbage from the forests and mountains so badly. Even the cities. If only I had power so I could encourage such things. I know I won't ever strive for that kind of title. But sometimes I wish I could have my ideas heard. Just sometimes. Lol. 

The other day, I had gone to the bank with my mum. That day I dressed up kinda girly. I wore make up and torn up women's skinny jeans. I just felt like it that day. And sometimes I miss wearing makeup and painting my nails. When mum and I were driving back she asked what was with "The girly geddup" I frowned and told her that I just felt like it because I sometimes missed makeup and stuff. I then proceeded to tell her how I kinda want to be like Jeffree Star and how he wears makeup and sometimes girly things. (Then I had to show her and explain to her who Jeffree Star was lol) She said "Oh... okay...." and that was that. I knew there was something behind what she asked, but she never said anything else. Not until last night that is. Last night she came in my room and said she wanted to ask me about something. I said "uh kay..." And she blurted out "Where you sexually abused when you were younger?"  I'm like wtf... She thinks it could be a link as to why I hate my body. That may be it for some girls, but 9 times out of 10, they still want to be girls. Also, that has nothing to do with why I want to be a male. When she comes up with stuff like that, it really pisses me off because it just proves to me that she still hasn't excepted that I'm Trans and that she still wants me to be a girl. I didn't sleep well last night because I was fuming over that for hours. It seriously makes me mad. Yes I was sexually abused when I was younger. No I'm not telling her and no I'm not traumatized by it, nor is it fuel as to why I am transitioning into being a male. I had to control my anger so much when she was in the room with her and I had to convince her for half an hour- maybe longer- that that had nothing to do with me being Trans. She then said "Well maybe you're gay." (As in Lesbian) That was another button that shouldn't have been pressed. I wanted to yell at her so badly. Because I'm not a Lesbian. I am a Male and I am Pansexual. I've told her that many times, but she still doesn't get it. She still calls me Selina. Still calls me female and she and girl. 
At this point, it starts to piss me off when I'm referred to as my old female self. That self is gone. It is no more. And no matter how many times I tell her and discuss this with her, it still doesn't sink in. Not with any of them really. Just Jace. And I am very thankful for him. I wish the rest of my family was like him in that way.
I know I said this in the last entry, but I just wish I could start transitioning already. Maybe then it would sink in for them. Maybe then I can truly be Sora.