Softly breathing out your name.

Can't believe I forgot to post here sooner. The last entry I made was over a month ago and now May is already coming to an end soon. I suppose it's because every day that passes is almost the exact same as the previous, but I'm sure I've talked about that before so I will move on. 

This was the first time in two years that I've finally been well enough to attend Otafest.  For those that don't know, Otafest is an anime convention held every year in Calgary. I went in '09 and '10 but after that I fell ill so I couldn't go to the other ones.  I went as Ciel Phantomhive from Black Butler and I had so much fun I don't think I could really describe it to you. This was Otafest's 15th anniversary and it, by far, has been my favorite one to participate in. For me to dress up and cosplay as Ciel was like putting all of my insecurities and problems in a bag and leaving them at home while my mum and I drove to Calgary. It was a huge relief from everything and all of my worries.  It was so nice.  To be honest, this year, it was like dressing up as a celebrity. A lot of people told me I was the best Ciel there, so it proved to me that I did a really good job. I tried so hard because I wanted it to be great TvT It was kind of weird having people fangirl over me though. I would hear my name in the distance and turn around and wave at the girls and they'd go, "EEEEEEEEEEEHEEEHEHEHE"  I wasn't sure what to do except to laugh. And despite the outfit, many people recognized that I WAS A GUY IT WAS TERRIFIC. There was one group of girls that stated that they weren't sure so I told them I was a guy and they suddenly got super excited o__o 'OH MY GOSH IT'S A MALE CIEL OMFGS;LDFJA;SDLKFJ" It was crazy!! I didn't take it in as a narcissistic way, but in the sense that I made all of these people (mostly girls) really happy and so that made me feel good ^^  There was a girl that came running from like... maybe a mile away (or more) screaming at me, "CIEL I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE HUGS BUT I WANNA HUG YOU SO BAD" So I opened my arms wide and I honestly think I made that girl's day. I have a picture with her on my facebook. I think she was supposed to be China from Hetalia. But she was just BEAMING, it was so nice. I feel all fuzzy and warm inside thinking about Otafest, I had such a good time haha. 

I also met a girl in the vendor room and I gave her my e-mail, but she never mailed me... It was kind of disappointing because she was really nice and cute.  I THINK she said her name was Hikiko, but it was really loud, so I could be wrong. Maybe she forgot about it or maybe I wrote my e-mail wrong, I'll never know lol. I met another girl though, she's half Italian/half Japanese, I met her through Instagram because I posted a picture of my cosplay and she said she was upset because she never saw me, so we exchanged numbers and we text now, she's a really neat person and is super infatuated with visual kei which I admire so much you have no idea. She lives in Calgary though and I lack a vehicle, so I'm not sure the chances of us ever meeting .__. She wants me to go to Animethon in August (it's in Edmonton) I'm not sure if I'll go, but I suppose only time will tell. 

Gosh I've said a lot about the con haven't I? It was just a fantastic experience <: I think I'll stay with my Ciel cosplay for future Otafests though, I don't feel the need to get something else like I did with my previous outfits. 

I don't really have much to say about my general life I don't think, but I've become a lot more positive with the "negative" changes of my transition that I mentioned before. I was 48kg, but my hunger has FINALLY evened out so I'm down to 45-46kg which I am now comfortable with. Sleep is still super iffy, but whatever. I've gotten used to the acne and even though it's not improving any, it's not getting any worse either. I'm getting more leg hair and it's darker too, it's kinda neat. I'm getting a moustache too! I'm not letting it grow out yet though because that will look really terrible xD No beard hair though. My hands have grown I noticed- at least my thumbs have haha. And I have actually grown a whole inch in height!! I am exactly 5 feet now (153cm) And I wasn't supposed to grow at all, so that just gives me a whole world of joy. My hair is super oily now though .__.

Uhm with regards to school, I talked to my principal....two weeks ago? and she said if I keep a steady pace, I will be able to graduate at the end of August :D

The only problem is that since then, I have fallen two weeks behind (OOPS) But I'm trying to catch up now. I have Social and English I have to finish by June. Well mostly Social because I only have to study and watch a movie for English. And then I have Math (yay....) and extra courses to finish by August.

It seems like I can finally see the faint glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

Bones sinking like stones.

So I figured I should update for the sake of updating. I'm in a bit of a depressive state currently, but I'm trying to stay strong. I haven't been eating properly at all. Just apple and peanut butter in the early afternoon and then I snack on "poop" until I go to bed. IN MY DEFENCE IT'S NOT ACTUALLY POOP. I CAN PROMISE YOU THAT.

Lemme explain.
It's like raisins and melted chocolate put into a small little clump on a cookie sheet with plastic wrap and it's put into the fridge to cool. Then you have this chocolatey raisin clump of deliciousness. 
NOW the first time Mum made this, she put it in the fridge to harden and later on that day, Nick came upstairs to get a drink and saw the "creation" Mum made and asked her "Mum, did you put poop in the fridge?!" 
And Mum was like "YES, CAUSE I WOULD GO OUTSIDE AND TAKE SPRITE'S SHIT AND PUT IT IN THE FRIDGE." 
I laughed soooo harrrrdd. Hilarious. And so we've just called it "poop" ever since, because we don't have an actual name for it haha. Maybe Raisin Clusters would be better? Yeah that doesn't sound too bad haha. 
But yeah, that's what I've mostly been snacking on for the past three days for supper. I can't decide what to properly eat for the life of me. Mum would even ask me, "If you could have anything in the world to eat, what would it be?" And I have no answer for her and she could spend an hour listing everything we have and every time, I just say "No."  I'll picture the food in my head and it will immediately turn my stomach and I won't want it. I don't know why this is though. Also today, I was very dizzy and anxious and I haven't felt like that in a while. The de-realization was very strong too, which aggravated my anxiousness even more. I almost had a panic attack. I came very close. When such things happen, I really crave to be in the mountains. I crave to go home because I immediately feel better and calmer. And that's what kinda triggered my depression because I can't just hop on over there. I can't even see it from the outskirts of my town. I think it would help a bit if I could just sit down outside of Bassano and see them. If only they were closer. It hurts to be away from there, it physically and mentally hurts me. It's so strange how a place can do that to a person. I wonder what it means, especially since I wasn't born there. If I was, then it would make a bit more sense, but nope. Been stuck in this dead-end red-neck town my whole life. 
Scott is getting a new vehicle soon, he's been looking at a '99 ford 4x4. I'm gonna assume it's a f-150 like my truck. (except mine doesn't have 4x4 :c ) Either way, he said he wants to go on a really long cruise in it once he gets it and he asked me to go with him. So of course I said yes! Originally, the plan was to go to Saskatchewan. I wasn't too thrilled, but I just said "Oh, I've never been there before!" Which was truth, but there's a reason why- I hate Saskatchewan. xD Stupid flat province >___< Anyways, then he said "Unless you'd like to go through BC?" So then I fessed up how I hated Sask. and would prefer BC and the mountains, so that's how the plan changed. We texted earlier today and I told him how I was feeling and he told me to hold on- that in "literally" two weeks, we'll be able to go to the mountains. So that really brightened my mood. And I made him happy because I told him how much that meant to me haha. I'm so sappy aren't I? 
I just hope the weather is good and sunny! And the roads are clear D: ...And that Mum will let me go .__. The weather is kinda funky up there, which is why we don't go during winter, so I have a feeling mum might burst my happy bubble.  I trust Scott's driving though. He's the first one around my age that I actually feel comfortable with when in the car with him. He doesn't fuck around and I appreciate that. So I gotta cross my fingers real good for this to happen.

In other news, the interview with Ray went really good, her lecturer enjoyed the video a lot, so here's hoping she gets awesome marks! I'm glad I could help c: 
Also since I was in a shitty mood today, I spent over an hour in my truck in the cold, just singing Lady Gaga songs as loud as I could. The truck is really cranky with starting and so the engine didn't want to turn over. The battery is still alive though, so that's cool. I also got my x-mas shopping done for my friends too. Didn't cost me anything! :D I'm giving a shirt to Kelsey- I've only worn it a few times, so it's still fairly new. And I'm giving Megan two chokers (she's Scott's and Kelsey's roomate. We're not close friends, but I'd feel like a jerk if I didn't get her anything) And then for Scott, he wants me to go to Brooks with him to see his GP and stand up for him so he can get his referral letter for the Gender Clinic in Edmonton. His GP is a cranky old coot and won't listen to Scott, plus Scott is at a bit of a loss when telling people what's what sometimes. So he wants me there to back him up- which I personally think is better than any expensive gift I could give him- I get to help him get closer to becoming who he truly is. I think that's awesome. 
I also sort of ruined my pc mouse. There was years of disgusting grime on it and I had to press down the buttons in order to scrape it off, so now the buttons don't work as well anymore- gotta press real hard on them to work. Kinda annoying, but my mouse is clean now!
Oh well I suppose. But that's all that's new with me really. Nothing exciting as usual. Just a mere update.

Stay strong and happy, my friends~

And I'll spill like a leak in the basement.

For this post, I want to talk about mostly talk about the visit I had at the gender clinic in Edmonton. It was a four and a half hour drive to get there and since mum insisted on leaving early, we got there two hours before the actual appointment, so we had to hang around the hospital until then. That waiting period was horrible. Waiting always gets my nerves up, but I did feel a little better after I had a large jell-o cup thing. 
Anyways, when I got into the actual waiting room after I signed in, my nerves immediately vanished. I guess my excitement overtook my feelings then and I am definitely not complaining about that. Beforehand, I was scared though because my psychiatrist had me to believe that Alberta believed in the whole "You gotta be Trans* enough" thing. So I was afraid the gender clinic would be the same with me since my psychiatrist had already told me I wasn't Transgender enough. But after I filled out my papers, I talked to two of the specialists interns, Simmone and Carol. Carol being an MtF who transitioned in the 80's. She was training to be another gender specialist for Alberta, which was really good to hear. So I had to tell those two my "story" and Simmone took a bunch of notes and then later briefed Dr. Warneke about me before he came in. And let me tell you, really fricken impressed with him. And the interns too! Seriously I was so amazed about the appointment, I told them what was going on and what I wanted and they were all on board. Earlier, Simmone had asked me what made me the most dysphoric about my body and I told her my voice and chest. She glanced at my chest and frowned and said, "But your chest isn't that big...?" I responded by saying I bind and Carol and Simmone looked at each other then back to me and Simmone asked, "How big is your chest size?"  And I said "D-34 and both their jaws dropped, I couldn't help but laugh. It was just so funny seeing the shock on their faces. They said that they never would have guessed that.  Then afterwards, Dr. Warneke mentioned about my chest and said he would refer me to a surgeon for a mastectomy and also said it would be covered by Alberta Health. I was so relieved that it would be covered omg. I was so happy too and he also said that he was going to refer me to an endocrinologist as well. (Which would also be covered by my mum's healthcare!!) Overall it was just a really good day from there. We all spent over an hour talking about this lol. I just couldn't get over how understanding and how "on-board" they were with me. No nonsense about not being "Trans* enough"  The reason why I was so worried was because my psychologist learned under Dr. Warneke, she said that the doctor was her mentor, so immediately I was like "oh no... This won't be good" But it was completely the opposite. So I have a feeling come January when I see her, I'm gonna tell her what's what. In your face! Haha. But yeah, life is moving forward in the Trans* department for me. I figured it wouldn't be until years from now because of all the costs and everything, but no, since it's covered, I don't have to worry about money. I am very lucky that way. It will cost money for bottom surgery, but unlike my psychologist said, I don't have to get it if I don't feel the need to. And I really don't since it's just so unreliable and dangerous right now. I wouldn't mind getting the clitoral lengthening though. I'm fine with that. But the phalloplasty is out of the question until there's improvements on it and it's actually a bit more affordable... Plus I don't exactly feel comfortable travelling all the way to Serbia for it either.

My psychologist told me that in Alberta, you have to get Testosterone first, then two years after you can get chest surgery and then after you have to get bottom surgery. And you HAVE to get all the other surgeries along with that. You can't just have T or just top surgery. You HAVE TO DO ALL OF IT. And therefore she said I wasn't Trans* enough because I told her I was uncomfortable with bottom surgery.

But Dr. Warneke said and proved otherwise, and so I am extremely pleased with him and his interns and I am finally happy. And I can't wait to tell my councillor the good news too.

And later on I am helping my friend Ray from Hong Kong with a study report that her and a few of her classmates are doing. I think I mentioned it before (curse this damn memory!) So I am going to be doing that tonight. I really hope I'm not too awkward about it. Then later on in the weeks or something, a co-worker of my Mum's wants to talk to me about it- she's just friendly curious about it and just wants to see Transgenderism from my point of view. I think that's nice and wouldn't mind talking to her about it. I also have to work on a booklet that Dr. Warneke gave me. But I have three months until I go back to see them so I have time to fill it out. I only have two questions left out of the whole thing anyways haha. 

One more thing before I go, the other day, I saved a small bird from my cat, Smokey. Whenever we got her ten years ago, she was on an acreage in the prairie, so it's still in her instinct to hunt small animals and she's quite good at it too. But with this bird, she just kept playing with it and she even sneaked it into the house! After Smokey caught a hold of it again by her food dish (she was running away from me) I picked her up and took her into the porch, where the bird flew away again. I ran after it and caught it before Smokey could. She got real pissed off with me then haha. But I held the bird in the sun and kept it warm while it recovered from it's shock. It was shaking for a while, but then suddenly it looked at me, then flew off once and for all. I guess it looked at me to say thank you? Either way I felt really good afterwards, even if Smokey was mad at me for a while. She got over it when she realized cuddles were more important haha. But yeah, just thought I would share that with you guys. 

If there's a rocket, tie me to it.

Yeah I do still enjoy using makeup from time to time, but unlike when I was female, now I just use it to fool around, experiment, and just have fun. I think I sort of went for a tribal look here. Not sure what the point was, I just kind of let the brush do as it pleased. It's 07.05 here right now and I have to try and type quietly since my Mum is getting ready for work and I should be sound asleep at the moment. I have a feeling I will get caught either way, but at least I don't have to go to the bathroom anymore; I sneaked downstairs and used the bathroom down there while Mum was in the shower. So I'm good for another bit! 

Anyway... I'm 19 as of last fredag. (Learning the "Danish days of the week"  I'm so slow orz) I never asked for anything so instead, on lørdag, Mum took me to the Calgary Zoo. When we first got there, it started to rain and hail like crazy! So we had to seek shelter under one of the buildings. The hail stones were just a bit smaller than a golf ball. After I think, twenty minutes, the rain went away and it was quite sunny for the rest of the day. We saw lots of animals and I could tell that Mum had lots of fun too. Even though it was my birthday, Mum hasn't been to the zoo in over twenty years- where I've been three times in the last couple of years I was in school. She was very excited when the weather turned nice, so I wanted to show her all the neat animals! In the end, we didn't get to see the elephants, the penguins, or the Canadian Wildlife section. We may go next weekend to see what we missed- depending on weather. But yeah, we were there for four hours and still didn't see everything! I would have liked to have seen the dinosaur section too, but Mum thinks it's boring, so I didn't bother asking. Besides, I've seen it before anyways!

Then on søndag, we travelled up to my Real Home- The Mountains!! We decided to go through Kootenay this time, since Mum and I really love that park- very beautiful~ We did a bit of hiking and just enjoyed the lovely smell of the trees and the pure majestic view of the Rocky Mountains. We also visited the beloved Simpson River. Not only is the view magnificent, but it shares the same last name as mine! I do love my last name- I'm sure I've mentioned that before haha. And we didn't arrive home until almost 21.00! Mum also said that we might be able to sneak a few more trips to the mountains before winter settles in. I love the mountains best in the winter, but it's very dangerous to travel there during that time, so I understand. I'm just thankful for the few trips I do get to travel home. I feel relaxed and calm just thinking about it. One day, if I do manage to get my Driver's Licence, I wish to put my Snow Patrol on repeat and just roam the mountain highways. Just to get lost with nature. Maybe go on a few hiking trips myself like I did in Newfoundland. Just to escape and let my true home envelop me in comfort. (Until I get eaten by bears hahahahahaha! Just kidding~)

Material wise, when I was at the zoo, I bought myself a large wolf hat (fake of course, no worries) It has really long ear flaps and at the bottom of them, they have little pockets to put my hands in. I absolutely adore hats in that style. I just wish it wasn't over $31 .___. I really need to watch my spending since I don't have a job or anything. It's just so easy to spend money with a bank card Dx  The other "material wise" thing I got for my birthday, which my Mum bought, was a really cool Dragon ornament. I believe he's perching on an old decaying building with pillars and he has his wings curved around this glass plate. Under the plate, there's this transparent red hollow cylinder with flames painted on it. Then inside the cylinder, there's a light and I can control the brightness with a dial. I hope I described it proper. I haven't admired it enough yet to remember it's details, but I can promise you that it is very lovely! The plate is supposed to be for that scented liquid stuff that makes the room smell nice once it's heated, but instead I've just put a bunch of shells from Newfoundland in it since the original container for them is really overflowing haha. 

On a new topic, lately I've been really itching to make a webcomic of some sorts. But I hardly have the creative juices for it! D: I want it to be a sort of yaoi/boylove comic, but not in the typical style of the Uke/Seme universe where it's all like Uke: "BAKA!! Get away from me!" Seme: "No I love you. Let me molest you some more" Then, Uke: "Omg turns out I loved him all along! I don't ever want to leave him!" Because, as funny as it is, it does get overplayed way too much lmao. I just wish I had the creativity to come up with something good! I'd like it to be kind of Final Fantasy-ish too. Their stories are always so.... so deep and heart-clinging y'know?

I guess I'll go for now since I've updated a lot recently.

It's been a while.

Well that was me on the air plane when I was returning home from my holiday. Over all it went really well. Better than I expected really, despite the poor weather. My mum complained about it the whole time, but I honestly thought it was great. It was a very nice break from the 30+ degrees we've had in Alberta. While I was in Newfoundland, my depression lowered like you wouldn't believe and I was eating lots and sleeping lots. It was very relaxing and it made me realize how much I missed my Nan and Pop. When I saw them at the air port in St. John's, I almost wanted to cry. I'm so emotional since the Panic Disorder started. It's extremely easily to make me cry- whether it be happily or sadly. I wish I had better control over it though. I bonded a lot with my Pop this year. This trip, I decided that I would try to be social and kind to everyone every chance I got. And I did it! My Pop seemed very happy and so did my Nan as well. They were always hugging me and telling me how much they loved me. It was very nice. Very very nice. We didn't go to the city this time, but that's okay. My mum, Nan, and I, went to the mini mall in the next town over to go shopping. I was feeling very light headed and ill that day though, so I only got two shirts and then had to go sit down on a bench in the corridor, while I waited for my mum and Nan to finish. We then had to go home because I started feeling very anxious and uncomfortable. I think it was because I wasn't used to being at the mall. I noticed when I'm in public places that I'm unfamiliar with, my anxiety really starts acting up and it gets harder to fight. When we went the second time though, I was able to control it and buy a few things for myself and my girlfriend. We also went "Up the shore" as the Newfies say, to some little nick nack stores and bought souvenirs and such.

Since Mum and I returned on a Saturday, I decided that I should go into the woods and escape from the world for a little while- at least once before I had to leave. So that's what I did on the Friday before. Right after I ate my supper, I put my shoes on and left. I didn't say that I was going, so no one knew where I was. That made me feel very relaxed and free with myself. There's a hiking trail about five minutes from my grand parent's house. It goes deeply into the woods, almost constantly going uphill. I left the house at 6 and walked for about two hours, all the way to the end- which is called Lousy Rock. It's right across from the town's light house. I was dripping with sweat when I reached the rock and I fell on top of it and just laid there for ten minutes. Soaking in the twilight sun. Breathing in the Forest's natural perfume. Lacing the fresh salty air between my fingertips, letting it dance through my hair. At that moment I felt so accomplished. So alone. So free. So small. Surprisingly it was a nice feeling. A reassuring one. Then I realized the time and almost ran all the way back home haha. I fell once, and it bruised my knee, but I just walked it off and I was good in no time. Dark had fallen by the time I had gotten out of the woods and my mum and Pop had just pulled out of the driveway to go looking for me- then pulled back in when they saw me coming up the road haha. 

I was sore for days after that. But I wish I could do it again. I wish I lived near the forests so I could disappear within it's shelter for an hour or two. I can't even describe how surreal it was. How wonderful it was. Just to sort of- erase myself from society. I like doing that. Not in a suicidal sort of way, but in a "I want to be alone with nature" kind of way, if that makes sense. It makes me wish I was closer to finishing school. Then I'd go and apply for a job in the mountains already. 

But of course laziness solves nothing.

On another topic, I found out yesterday that my friend Scott moved to my town. We hung out and chatted with him, his girlfriend, and his family for a few hours. I felt happier than I have been since I've come back from Newfoundland. I really do enjoy Scott's friendship and his girlfriend's as well (Her name's Kelsey for future reference) Both of them have been greater friends to me than any of the friends I've had in... probably my whole lifetime. Apart from Jace and my online friends of course. So now that Jace has gone off to college, I won't be completely alone if I need someone who's around my age to just hang out with and talk about pointless and not-so-pointless things. 

If only I could keep my mood up. 

If only, if only, the wood pecker sighed.