He Who Laughs Last

I should be working on my Social Studies, but I think it can wait long enough for me to update since I do so very rarely. 
I'm coming up to my third month on Testosterone and everything is quite good. I began using a clay mask every day and night for my face and... well it's not getting any better, but it's not getting any worse either, so I suppose that's alright by me lol.  So now the only thing that really irks me is my vocal chords. They're increasingly weaker since my voice is forever changing, but maybe once my voice levels out, I'll start vocal exercises to strengthen it again.  Apparently I'm at the point where I sound different on the phone, which I'm super happy about.
I haven't talked to my Father in a very long time and he phoned me last week on my mobile- it was pretty funny, I must say. It went a little something like:
"Hello?"
"....Hello.... Is Selina there?"
"Speaking."
".............What!?!?!"
"Yeah."
"Jeeze, you sound worse than I do!!"
I thought it was hilarious haha. But we talked for a while and updated on everything. He's still shocked over the whole "Transgender thing" but he says that he's still accepting no matter what.
It's just that Mum and Dad always wanted a little girl and I was kinda the whole "miracle child" because of Mum's health complications and then later on, I turn around and come out as Trans. So yeah.... But like I said, he accepts me and still loves me no matter what, so that's all that really matters to me C:  Regardless I'm sort of mad with him right now because he filed an affidavit on my Mother.  Mum said I'm not allowed to have an opinion on it because it is strictly between her and him, but I can't help myself you know? I mean, it's really understandable in why he filed it. He over payed on child support for Nick and I because Mum didn't cancel it when we turned 18, but I remember him saying that he would never make a fuss about it because we are his kids and he knows that the money is going towards helping Nick and I. Mum isn't abusing it, she never has, and after I explained that to Dad, he said that he wouldn't do anything about it. But now all of a sudden he's turned around and is suing Mum. So in short, I feel betrayed, but to be honest, I think he's doing it because he doesn't really have any money and he needs to pay bills and such. Despite that I'm still kind of mad, but I don't love him any less. At this point, I'm sort of just waiting for a phone call that he's in the hospital or that he's passed on because of his health and so I don't want to be mad at him. The thing that really annoys me though is that his OWN SISTER, is charging him SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS A MONTH for RENT. And Dad is only getting $800 for disability. I could never do that to my own brother(s). Never ever. And my Aunt and Uncle have their house paid off, so that's just money in their pocket.  My Uncle is retired so he gets pension or whichever it's called and my Aunt still works... So simply put, I'm not particularly impressed with those two....
Eh... A lot of negative things are happening this month and it keeps piling up and it's terrible.  The only good thing is that I am done my diploma exams and I will only have to write one more final at the end of August. 
But that's the only good thing. 

I won't go into TOO much detail right now because then this entry would be a mile long no doubt, but in total:
-I have 8 courses to finish before the end of August.
-Dad has filed this Affidavit thing
-We're going bankrupt
-We're going to have to start selling our things
-Mum can hardly pay the bills
-Groceries are difficult to come by because of lack of money
-We might have to sell the house and move into an extremely small mobile home
-If we keep the house, we'll be kicked onto the street in less than a year
-My counsin Micheal is in the hospital because he's suicidal   
And a lot of other minor things I won't bother to mention. But I'm quite reasonably stressed about all of this. And I'm stuck here at home letting it all bottle up because I can't do anything about it.

Life is really getting hard and all I can do is complain about it because I can't fix anything...

Sleep with one eye open

Alright, not quite sure what's going on with the formatting of my blog right now, so please bear with me if it's a little weird. I didn't know that the last post didn't change the font color like it should have automatically, but it is fixed. Good thing they have a highlighting tool hey?
Uhm... So my first month on Testosterone has passed by and very quickly at that.  I don't like the extra acne, the even less hours of sleep, and the further weakening of my vocal chords, but these are all things that can be solved easily, so I don't see them as a huge deal. The acne can be treated, I could just go to bed earlier, and look up vocal exercises on the internet. \'--'/ Big whoop lol. I am sort of having trouble getting used to the weight gain still. I might be 46 kgs now, but I could be wrong. It just freaks me out because my face has filled out and my skinny jeans are a bit tougher to get into- plus I got a bit of a paunch trying to show up on my stomach- It all gets the voices at the back of my head screaming crazy tyrants and insults at me, but I'm trying to ignore them the best I can. There's nothing wrong with being 45 or 46 or even 50 kgs Sora... you need to keep that in mind please.  I want this change so badly, I refuse to give up on it. Regardless of those downsides, the positives definitely outweigh the negatives. Just in general, I'm so much happier than what I used to be. It has me wishing hopefully that maybe I'll be able to size down on how much medication I take, but if I don't get to that point, I'm fine with that too.  I saw Simmone in Edmonton last month and she said that Dr. Warneke had sent a referral to the surgeon for my top surgery as well. I didn't think he would have done that right away since that was the first time I had ever seen Dr. Warneke, but he did it. And if I don't hear from the surgeon by May, Simmone said I could phone the hospital to ask if they got the referral or not. The waiting list is two years long, but it's all paid for! So I think it's work the wait.

Lately I've also been feeling overwhelmed with school work. It just keeps coming in and in and I feel like I'm hardly making any progress. It's stupid too because, when I get overwhelmed, then I don't want to do it and if I don't do it, the work will just pile up more.... My brain seems to forget common sense a lot. I just want to leave already and get a job and have my own place and be an adult already. I shouldn't be in such a rush, it honestly isn't a fun life being an adult, but I want to try to be independent. I want to leave the nest so to speak and make my mark on the world. I want to prove that I can be better than the rest of my family. I just have this insatiable urge to "be the best" Sometimes I feel like my dad's branch of the Simpson family is looked down upon by his brothers and sisters and such. We were never as "successful" as they all are. We're not rich, we don't have big fancy trucks or cars. We're hardly even scraping by and I feel really judged by that. I shouldn't let that bother me, but I hate how they look down on us. Nick went to college, but what is he doing? Living in my mother's basement working at a gas station. Matt might be in jail next month- I'll say that much. So he's not too fair off. I just want to prove that my dad's family is just as fucking good as they are. And I want my mum and dad to be proud. Because they did a damn good job raising us (my mum would say otherwise about my dad, but I think he did great with what he could) And I want proof of that. I wanna show them that they did good. Really badly. I don't need to be stinking rich like them, but I just want to be successful. That's all. But in the end that might be too much to ask for.  However, I still want to try.


Sora might need a haircut soon- maybe just a trim...

Hold me Higher

It has been sunny recently, so I decided to take pictures outside and I met up with my neighbour's cat, Hope. She's a very beautiful and sweet cat. You can't help but get all gushy and happy every time you see her. We were out back behind the garage, she's sitting on the bed of my truck.

Well here's to a more than much needed update. To be honest, for the longest while I wasn't sure what to say anymore. Nothing new was happening and all my feelings were the same, sometimes it got worse, so I wasn't quite in the mood to talk about it.

I just want to let you know that recently I've been doing a lot better. I don't feel the need to starve myself to the point of nauseousness anymore. Well no... That's a lie. I do still feel like I need to, but now I can fight it. I can tell that strange voice in my head to screw off and I'll just eat whatever the hell I want. I know I need to gain weight, but it's a fear of mine all the same. I've sort of been neglecting myself when it comes to weighing my body, but I'm just afraid that if I see the numbers on the scale, that it will illicit a bad reaction from me again and I don't want that to happen. So for now I won't weigh myself. I might on April 23rd though because that will mark the first month of me being on Testosterone. Yep! I finally started it. The Endocrinologist phoned me for an appointment on March 20th in Calgary and the appointment was about an hour long in total. The doctor was a very nice man. I've been really impressed with the doctors involved in the Transgender world. They're always so kind and understanding and they really know their stuff- you can tell they care about you and aren't just doing this for extra money. And I really appreciate that. Even my family doctor cares and it's technically not his job to do so, but he's fully supportive and everything. I'm not used to such kind people, especially in the medical field, so I'm always surprised when a nurse or a doctor or an intern is so friendly and caring. Anyways, the Endocrinologist and I talked for a really long time, he wanted to quiz me to see what I knew to make sure this is really what I wanted. He said I was well informed so I was glad to hear that. I felt like I was being put on the spot when he asked me all those questions so I stumbled a bit on my words- it's mostly because when I'm asked serious questions, my mind decides to go blank... It's quite annoying... Regardless! He gave me my prescription for Androjel and I thank Damien for suggesting it to me that long time ago when we talked on Skype for the first time. It was such a reliever when he mentioned it to me since I am so terribly afraid of needles. And I always make sure that my doctors know as well lol. But yeah, he gave me the prescription and I got it two days later and started on the 23rd. The reason why I chose the 23rd is because it's my favorite number, so I decided it would be neat to have my anniversaries on that day. 

There's not too many changes so far (as expected lol) but I have noticed that I am a lot more hungry- which is really good! And my mood has improved quite a bit. I always get giddy and excited putting on my Androjel in the morning lol. And I have a bit more energy as well. My throat has been sore lately, but I'm not sure if that has anything to do with it- it might just be a cold, but it is helping me talk a bit lower naturally. Oh and.... acneeeeee everywherrreeeeeee. Well... everywhere on my face that is. I've broken out so bad haha. Thing is I was on my period when I started so I was broken out to begin with, but then it got worse after I started my Testosterone... Oh well, I was expecting it anyways lol. It just makes me more self conscious though, but I don't go anywhere, so it's not too big of a deal lmao.  Oh and last Thursday, I went to Edmonton to see Simonne- she's an intern at the gender clinic there if you don't remember her. It was just to check in and do updates and stuff. She also confirmed that the surgeon did get the referral for my mastectomy, so that's really good to hear. I haven't decided when to get my other surgeries yet thus far though, but Simonne said I could take my time with that anyhow, so all is good there.

I also wanted to mention that I got some bad news.... the secretary from my home schooling program phoned me early last month to inform me that I am only able to work with the school until I am 20, which I will be at the exact end of August. This means that I have until then to graduate- which also means I have to finish a whole grade and a half in four months.... It's... stressful. But the school is trying really hard to help me get my diploma, so I need to pull my weight of the bargain as well! I passed my Math final, it was surprisingly easy compared to what I thought it would be. It took me too hours to do though. I also finished my Abnormal Psychology- I definitely learned a lot from that course! And currently I'm on Social 30-2 (which is grade 12 social)

They've given me a study booklet and are going to have me write the English 30-2 exam on it's own. So no course work or anything. And I have to do my Social and another Math as well T-T. I can't remember if they're going to just boot me up to a 30 level Math as well or not. You only need grade 11 Math to graduate though. From then on it's just extra course work to get the credits needed for the diploma. Jeeze, so much work to do... Oh well. Gotta work really hard Sora!!

I like to watch this for motivation when I get too overwhelmed!

Did I have it and lose it?

S'cuse me while I stuff my face with rice. I still haven't been feeling that great lately. Still have a cold, plus womanhood revealed itself on Monday so now I have to deal with that too. Really wish I could have my testosterone already. But I have a few months to wait yet.

I'm single once again. That didn't last long did it? Megan...  I'm not sure how to explain it really. Recently she's been hanging out with a drug addict- I'm wondering if she's been taking drugs with him too. Her behaviour has been really sporadic and dangerous. She was constantly threatening Scott and Kelsey and everyone at her work was terrified of her. Kelsey  was afraid to be alone with Megan. So Scott had no choice but to kick her out. She... seriously stated that she wanted to kill a cat and wanted to go dig up a baby's grave... all for cigarettes. She won't let Scott take her to the ward in Medicine Hat or Calgary because she thinks she's completely fine. She's also been frolicking around with this Matthew guy she's known for a long time. She might have some actual STD's as well... So I'm very glad that our relationship didn't become sexual. That could have been a real mess. So she's forgotten all about me, so I suppose I'm "off the hook" so to speak. After a while it didn't really feel like we were in a relationship anymore anyways. I knew something was up when I began to feel that. I always get strange feelings about this sort of thing when my relationship with someone is suddenly about to end.

Too be honest, I kind of miss Danielle. She was always easy to talk to, I felt like I genuinely cared about her. I actually didn't mind calling her "babe" or any other pet name and I enjoyed our conversations when I was upset. What I liked most was making her feel like someone cared for her. She didn't think she was capable of having someone actually love her, but I did. At the time I suppose. I always end up missing the person who hurts me. I still miss the other one. I hate going to Medicine Hat in fear of seeing him... But I don't really want to talk about him. When stuff like this happens, I don't actually feel hurt, like I should cry or feel sad. I don't feel that, but I say they hurt me because I know a normal person would be upset over it. That it should hurt, even though it doesn't. Maybe I have a problem with my feelings when it comes to other people... Who knows.

Mum had me weigh myself the other day and I didn't show it, but I was very terrified. The scale said I was 45kgs... I have never been that heavy in my life. I couldn't bring myself to really eat for a few days after that. I weighed myself yesterday and it said I was 44kgs, so I do feel better about that. It's just I shouldn't feel that way though. I should have been happy seeing that 45 on the scale. I feel happy when I can see my bones. I love seeing the scars on my body and I wish I had more. I'm not terribly underweight for my size, but I wish I was. And that's not right. Do I enjoy being sick? Do I like being unhealthy? Do I want to hurt myself? I'm starting to wonder.

My head is in such a mess.

I don't think I can.

The picture is of my favorite childhood toy, Robin. I've had him since I was about three and he was made the same year I was born. He means a lot to me and has been a huge part of my life. I used to sleep with him beside me in my bed. Once my Mother told me that if the house ever caught on fire, that we wouldn't take anything and we would just run and leave everything else behind to burn. After she told me that, I started taking Robin literally everywhere with me and I would place him by the door in case a fire ever happened, I'd be able to grab him right away and he would be safe with me. I was a very strange child when growing up. 

I'm still not eating proper. I weighed myself this morning and I'm at 43kgs. I was actually happy when I discovered I had lost a kilogram. I think I'm afraid of getting fat. I think I've always feared it. Not to the point where I'd throw my food up, but to the point where I would starve myself. And I'm getting into that habit again. I know I shouldn't do such a thing, but whenever my BMI is below 18, I feel a bit happier with myself, like I accomplished something. But I feel that it could be lower. I don't ever want to reach 100 pounds. I've never been that high and I don't want to. I have a feeling I will once I start testosterone, but that can't be helped I suppose. This isn't healthy. I should tell my councillor about it, but I don't want to actually verbally state that I've been starving myself because I think I could be thinner. To be truly honest, I've thought this way since... probably when I first began puberty- when I was ten. I've hated my body since then. Even though I'm underweight, I don't feel like it. I don't feel like a cow either- don't get me wrong. But I always have that thought, "I could be thinner." I felt disgusted with myself yesterday for having fast food. Just a burger and fries. (minus the buns of course) And I felt so bloated and disgusted, I almost had a breakdown. I'm forcing myself to eat at least one meal a day and a multi-vitamine, so I don't drop too low. And I'm drinking loads more fluids too. Still doesn't make it right, I know. Maybe this phase will pass after a while like it always does. I hope it does. It'd be even nicer if it didn't come back after. I haven't been much in the mood to sleep either. I'm still taking my sleeping pills, but if my body doesn't want to sleep, it's not gonna happen. I look 75mgs the other day and I still had trouble sleeping. I usually take 50mgs. I'm beginning to wonder what caused this drop in my mood. Wasn't I really happy not that long ago? Because I was so excited and happy about the Gender Clinic and such? What happened to that? I need to find it again. I want my happiness to last longer than just a week or two because when the depression hits, it almost kills me. 

Wish I knew how to stay positive. Wish I wasn't such a negative person all the time. Wish I knew how.

And I'll spill like a leak in the basement.

For this post, I want to talk about mostly talk about the visit I had at the gender clinic in Edmonton. It was a four and a half hour drive to get there and since mum insisted on leaving early, we got there two hours before the actual appointment, so we had to hang around the hospital until then. That waiting period was horrible. Waiting always gets my nerves up, but I did feel a little better after I had a large jell-o cup thing. 
Anyways, when I got into the actual waiting room after I signed in, my nerves immediately vanished. I guess my excitement overtook my feelings then and I am definitely not complaining about that. Beforehand, I was scared though because my psychiatrist had me to believe that Alberta believed in the whole "You gotta be Trans* enough" thing. So I was afraid the gender clinic would be the same with me since my psychiatrist had already told me I wasn't Transgender enough. But after I filled out my papers, I talked to two of the specialists interns, Simmone and Carol. Carol being an MtF who transitioned in the 80's. She was training to be another gender specialist for Alberta, which was really good to hear. So I had to tell those two my "story" and Simmone took a bunch of notes and then later briefed Dr. Warneke about me before he came in. And let me tell you, really fricken impressed with him. And the interns too! Seriously I was so amazed about the appointment, I told them what was going on and what I wanted and they were all on board. Earlier, Simmone had asked me what made me the most dysphoric about my body and I told her my voice and chest. She glanced at my chest and frowned and said, "But your chest isn't that big...?" I responded by saying I bind and Carol and Simmone looked at each other then back to me and Simmone asked, "How big is your chest size?"  And I said "D-34 and both their jaws dropped, I couldn't help but laugh. It was just so funny seeing the shock on their faces. They said that they never would have guessed that.  Then afterwards, Dr. Warneke mentioned about my chest and said he would refer me to a surgeon for a mastectomy and also said it would be covered by Alberta Health. I was so relieved that it would be covered omg. I was so happy too and he also said that he was going to refer me to an endocrinologist as well. (Which would also be covered by my mum's healthcare!!) Overall it was just a really good day from there. We all spent over an hour talking about this lol. I just couldn't get over how understanding and how "on-board" they were with me. No nonsense about not being "Trans* enough"  The reason why I was so worried was because my psychologist learned under Dr. Warneke, she said that the doctor was her mentor, so immediately I was like "oh no... This won't be good" But it was completely the opposite. So I have a feeling come January when I see her, I'm gonna tell her what's what. In your face! Haha. But yeah, life is moving forward in the Trans* department for me. I figured it wouldn't be until years from now because of all the costs and everything, but no, since it's covered, I don't have to worry about money. I am very lucky that way. It will cost money for bottom surgery, but unlike my psychologist said, I don't have to get it if I don't feel the need to. And I really don't since it's just so unreliable and dangerous right now. I wouldn't mind getting the clitoral lengthening though. I'm fine with that. But the phalloplasty is out of the question until there's improvements on it and it's actually a bit more affordable... Plus I don't exactly feel comfortable travelling all the way to Serbia for it either.

My psychologist told me that in Alberta, you have to get Testosterone first, then two years after you can get chest surgery and then after you have to get bottom surgery. And you HAVE to get all the other surgeries along with that. You can't just have T or just top surgery. You HAVE TO DO ALL OF IT. And therefore she said I wasn't Trans* enough because I told her I was uncomfortable with bottom surgery.

But Dr. Warneke said and proved otherwise, and so I am extremely pleased with him and his interns and I am finally happy. And I can't wait to tell my councillor the good news too.

And later on I am helping my friend Ray from Hong Kong with a study report that her and a few of her classmates are doing. I think I mentioned it before (curse this damn memory!) So I am going to be doing that tonight. I really hope I'm not too awkward about it. Then later on in the weeks or something, a co-worker of my Mum's wants to talk to me about it- she's just friendly curious about it and just wants to see Transgenderism from my point of view. I think that's nice and wouldn't mind talking to her about it. I also have to work on a booklet that Dr. Warneke gave me. But I have three months until I go back to see them so I have time to fill it out. I only have two questions left out of the whole thing anyways haha. 

One more thing before I go, the other day, I saved a small bird from my cat, Smokey. Whenever we got her ten years ago, she was on an acreage in the prairie, so it's still in her instinct to hunt small animals and she's quite good at it too. But with this bird, she just kept playing with it and she even sneaked it into the house! After Smokey caught a hold of it again by her food dish (she was running away from me) I picked her up and took her into the porch, where the bird flew away again. I ran after it and caught it before Smokey could. She got real pissed off with me then haha. But I held the bird in the sun and kept it warm while it recovered from it's shock. It was shaking for a while, but then suddenly it looked at me, then flew off once and for all. I guess it looked at me to say thank you? Either way I felt really good afterwards, even if Smokey was mad at me for a while. She got over it when she realized cuddles were more important haha. But yeah, just thought I would share that with you guys.