He Who Laughs Last

I should be working on my Social Studies, but I think it can wait long enough for me to update since I do so very rarely. 
I'm coming up to my third month on Testosterone and everything is quite good. I began using a clay mask every day and night for my face and... well it's not getting any better, but it's not getting any worse either, so I suppose that's alright by me lol.  So now the only thing that really irks me is my vocal chords. They're increasingly weaker since my voice is forever changing, but maybe once my voice levels out, I'll start vocal exercises to strengthen it again.  Apparently I'm at the point where I sound different on the phone, which I'm super happy about.
I haven't talked to my Father in a very long time and he phoned me last week on my mobile- it was pretty funny, I must say. It went a little something like:
"Hello?"
"....Hello.... Is Selina there?"
"Speaking."
".............What!?!?!"
"Yeah."
"Jeeze, you sound worse than I do!!"
I thought it was hilarious haha. But we talked for a while and updated on everything. He's still shocked over the whole "Transgender thing" but he says that he's still accepting no matter what.
It's just that Mum and Dad always wanted a little girl and I was kinda the whole "miracle child" because of Mum's health complications and then later on, I turn around and come out as Trans. So yeah.... But like I said, he accepts me and still loves me no matter what, so that's all that really matters to me C:  Regardless I'm sort of mad with him right now because he filed an affidavit on my Mother.  Mum said I'm not allowed to have an opinion on it because it is strictly between her and him, but I can't help myself you know? I mean, it's really understandable in why he filed it. He over payed on child support for Nick and I because Mum didn't cancel it when we turned 18, but I remember him saying that he would never make a fuss about it because we are his kids and he knows that the money is going towards helping Nick and I. Mum isn't abusing it, she never has, and after I explained that to Dad, he said that he wouldn't do anything about it. But now all of a sudden he's turned around and is suing Mum. So in short, I feel betrayed, but to be honest, I think he's doing it because he doesn't really have any money and he needs to pay bills and such. Despite that I'm still kind of mad, but I don't love him any less. At this point, I'm sort of just waiting for a phone call that he's in the hospital or that he's passed on because of his health and so I don't want to be mad at him. The thing that really annoys me though is that his OWN SISTER, is charging him SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS A MONTH for RENT. And Dad is only getting $800 for disability. I could never do that to my own brother(s). Never ever. And my Aunt and Uncle have their house paid off, so that's just money in their pocket.  My Uncle is retired so he gets pension or whichever it's called and my Aunt still works... So simply put, I'm not particularly impressed with those two....
Eh... A lot of negative things are happening this month and it keeps piling up and it's terrible.  The only good thing is that I am done my diploma exams and I will only have to write one more final at the end of August. 
But that's the only good thing. 

I won't go into TOO much detail right now because then this entry would be a mile long no doubt, but in total:
-I have 8 courses to finish before the end of August.
-Dad has filed this Affidavit thing
-We're going bankrupt
-We're going to have to start selling our things
-Mum can hardly pay the bills
-Groceries are difficult to come by because of lack of money
-We might have to sell the house and move into an extremely small mobile home
-If we keep the house, we'll be kicked onto the street in less than a year
-My counsin Micheal is in the hospital because he's suicidal   
And a lot of other minor things I won't bother to mention. But I'm quite reasonably stressed about all of this. And I'm stuck here at home letting it all bottle up because I can't do anything about it.

Life is really getting hard and all I can do is complain about it because I can't fix anything...

I swerve out of control

Yeah, my hair is long enough for my cat ears again! Not that you can really see them haha. And I've dyed my hair black again. It feels good to be back home haha. Black feels more natural to have than my actual brown hair. Just feels like it suits me more. Lately... I'm not quite sure what my "problem" is. It might be a flu that I can't seem to get rid of. I keep sneezing, sometimes my throat is sore, and all I seem to want to do is sleep. I'll go to bed at 21.00 and won't get up until 16.00 the next day. It's crazy. But because of that, I haven't even been looking at my school work, not even my abnormal psychology- which I love. So I don't think my councillor will be too happy about that come Monday when I see her again. I can't believe it's 2013 already. I'm going to be 20 this year. I can't wrap my head around that either. I guess it's because I never thought I was going to reach this age. Always pretending that I'd reach 18 and stop there. If only, hey? To be honest, I don't have much else to write about. This is basically all that's been happening to me recently. I've gotten into drawing a bit again, so that's a good sign. To be doing a habit I used to do all the time. 

I've noticed that I actually feel more comfortable with having my picture taken. I'm not so self-conscious about the way I look. "Oh am I pretty enough?" "Is my skin okay?" "What about my hair?"

Now I'm just, "Look at the camera and smile, Sora!" And I think my pictures look great too. Even the ones I don't take. There's one that my mum took at xmas and I love it, even though my complexion was really bad haha. Speaking of which, my skin has finally improved a lot. I bought a new cleanser- Neutrogena- and it works awesomely. I gotta use it twice a day every day though. If I don't, then more acne shows up the next day .__. 

I think for now I'm going to let my hair grow out, mostly in the back, kind of like how you usually see the members in visual kei and oshare kei bands... kinda like a mullet... I guess... Just not like a redneck D: I miss dressing similar to those Japanese styles. I never went all out because of lack of money and resources lol. But just because I'm a guy now, doesn't mean I have to stop that, right? Right. I just want to watch that I don't look too feminine. And besides, it's the males who pull off the style the best! >:D So why not, if I miss it? I'm not gonna get into the excessive eye liner, etc, though. I still wanna look a bit masculine, yeah?

I don't think Scott's idea of me moving in with him is gonna happen. A little let down about that, but not the end of the world. I don't mind, honestly. I'd be too much of a mooch anyways haha. 

Well, without further adieu, I bid you all good night~

And love always.

Never Good.

So I've done it again. I fucked up. I made another huge mistake. This is why I don't want to be here anymore. My poor mother. All I do is upset her and make her suffer. Everything I do is wrong. If I stay at home, she's mad because I never go out. If I go out with friends, she's mad because I'm not home. I sit on my ass all day. I'm not allowed to get sick. I got my period today, so I've been bed ridden from cramps and now mum is mad at me because I didn't do what she asked. I am really sorry. No I am not being sarcastic. I just wish I could do something right for once. I just wish I could make you happy. I wish I could do something right for once. I tried offering help earlier but she just said "No, I can do it, you go to your room and rest." Talk about a real guilt trip huh. Why can't I be a good son. Why do I never fear the consequences until they happen. Why do I not care until it's too late. Making the both of us miserable. Why doesn't mum treat Nick and Matt this way? I guess because I'm the youngest and I'm not healthy. At least Matt is supporting himself. Nick finished school and went to college. I've done nothing but hurt Mum. Cause her pain, have her miss work, waste her money on pills and such just for me. I'm not even the little girl that she always wanted. I had to fuck that up too. 

In the midst of things, I still have to buy everyone presents and I've picked up smoking again. Maybe I'll be lucky and get cancer so I can die sooner. I also have a feeling that my self-harming activities may come back. I need to be punished somehow. Being yelled at or ignored completely just isn't enough. 

Falling Away With You

I do suppose that I am in need of an update, it has been a while. Not much has been going on. It's been pretty relaxed as usual. I finally wrapped Birth By Sleep tonight. I was kinda disappointed by how it ended. There were a lot of feelings and emotions that it evoked out of me though haha. But Kingdom Hearts games usually tend to do that to me. I have a new girlfriend. Her name is Megan and we're in an "actual" relationship. Not an online one, so I meet her in person and everything lol. She's eighteen and lives with Scott and Kelsey right now. We've been dating for about two weeks. To be honest, when I first met her I didn't like her too much. But first impressions aren't everything right? After I got to know her better, I began liking her and Scott and I convinced her to break up with her abusive boyfriend. All he did was use her and make her miserable. If she was happy with him, then I wouldn't have bothered, because... well that'd just be a complete ass of a move lol. But according to Scott, after I left, she was really happy and has been a lot happier since then, so I'm glad. I haven't told mum about her yet, but I probably will soon when I get the guts to do so. At least mum has met her already and even said she was a nice girl. So thumbs up for that! Another thumbs up that Megan doesn't snore when she sleeps lmao. I hate people who snore so much, ugh. Anyways. Last Friday, I went to hang out with Scott, Kelsey, and Megan, as I do every weekend now. First it was just Scott and I and we went to Brooks to get Tim Horton's. Coffee for him and a small ice cap for me. After we drove around Brooks for a while and Scott showed me all the places that him and the girls grew up. It was really interesting- hearing all the stories he told and the meanings behind the places. Plus we got to see some pretty decked out houses. Tons and tons of Christmas lights and trees haha. Then we went back to Bassano and picked up the girls and drove around before heading back to their place. I think it was about 02.00 by the time we decided to finally go to bed haha. After Megan and I went to bed, I ended up having a panic attack. I think it was the shortest panic attack I had ever had. And unfortunately I had Megan freaked out ._. Oops. It was also the first time it happened at someone else's house too. But in the end, I'm glad it went away fast. I'm pretty sure the cause of it was the ice cap I had earlier, which makes me very thankful that I had only gotten a small. And now I will never have caffeine ever again. D: Scary shit son. Then after I had calmed down, apparently Scott's bird blew a blood vessel. (This is at 04.00 now) And so they had to drive all the way to Calgary (1h 30min drive) to take the bird to the emergency vet since they were the closest one's that specialized in birds .__. I was really worried since Scott had only had maybe 3 hours of sleep for the passed two days. But him and Kelsey made it to the vet in one piece. Took them 3 and a half hours to find the vet though! They ended up calling a taxi service and had a cab lead the way there. So it was about 08.00 by the time they got there. The bird ended up having to go through surgery and Kelsey was flipping out. She's very attached to their pets. All in all though, the bird is fine and Kelsey and Scott made it back fine too. It was a very busy night... and basically the only excitement that I've had since haha. 

They want me to move in come January too. I'm not sure how I feel about that because they say it's okay if I don't pay rent or anything. So basically I'd be mooching off of them. In return they just want me to clean, since they can't do it worth shit lol. Which honestly sounds great because I love cleaning, but I am kind of high maintenance and they aren't exactly rich... What with my medications and the special diet I have. Plus they're gonna have to pay extra for their utilities since I'll be there all the time and extra groceries I need and stuff. It just doesn't sound fair for them in my opinion. But I would love to live with them. I also doubt that my mother would let me move there given the circumstances as well, even though I'm an adult now and everything, my mum still has final say over me. Just because I'm not as independent as I should be and don't have a job or anything. Otherwise my mum wouldn't have a problem. I just don't want to be a burden to them and I told them that and they say "Oh, you won't be" "We'll be happy to have you" And etc, etc, But that will only last so long before they notice the decrease in money they have once I'm there. Ugh... If only I was closer to graduating. I keep saying that, but it just seems so far away and it pisses me off. I need to be a full adult already. 
Maybe I'll just get a part time job at the grocery store since it's close to their place and then I still have a bunch of hours to do school work. Maybe it will motivate me more. Yeah... That does sound better and then I can give them a bit of rent too. Although I doubt it will be much, but I would feel better if I gave them something. I feel better now that I sorted that out right now LOL. 

My eating has improved since the last post as well. Gone back to eating two meals and snacks in between like I used to do. And the "End of the World" is this Friday hahaha. What a laugh that is. I'll probably be over at Scott's again. I also need to finish my x-mas shopping too /: Need Mum, Nick, and Dad. And then I'll be good. Not sure how I'm gonna pull that off, but we'll see. 
Nothing else to really mention- Not that I can think of anyways. Mood hasn't been too bad, sleeping could be better, but it always could be. So I guess I'll stop here. 

Have a good week everyone~

Bones sinking like stones.

So I figured I should update for the sake of updating. I'm in a bit of a depressive state currently, but I'm trying to stay strong. I haven't been eating properly at all. Just apple and peanut butter in the early afternoon and then I snack on "poop" until I go to bed. IN MY DEFENCE IT'S NOT ACTUALLY POOP. I CAN PROMISE YOU THAT.

Lemme explain.
It's like raisins and melted chocolate put into a small little clump on a cookie sheet with plastic wrap and it's put into the fridge to cool. Then you have this chocolatey raisin clump of deliciousness. 
NOW the first time Mum made this, she put it in the fridge to harden and later on that day, Nick came upstairs to get a drink and saw the "creation" Mum made and asked her "Mum, did you put poop in the fridge?!" 
And Mum was like "YES, CAUSE I WOULD GO OUTSIDE AND TAKE SPRITE'S SHIT AND PUT IT IN THE FRIDGE." 
I laughed soooo harrrrdd. Hilarious. And so we've just called it "poop" ever since, because we don't have an actual name for it haha. Maybe Raisin Clusters would be better? Yeah that doesn't sound too bad haha. 
But yeah, that's what I've mostly been snacking on for the past three days for supper. I can't decide what to properly eat for the life of me. Mum would even ask me, "If you could have anything in the world to eat, what would it be?" And I have no answer for her and she could spend an hour listing everything we have and every time, I just say "No."  I'll picture the food in my head and it will immediately turn my stomach and I won't want it. I don't know why this is though. Also today, I was very dizzy and anxious and I haven't felt like that in a while. The de-realization was very strong too, which aggravated my anxiousness even more. I almost had a panic attack. I came very close. When such things happen, I really crave to be in the mountains. I crave to go home because I immediately feel better and calmer. And that's what kinda triggered my depression because I can't just hop on over there. I can't even see it from the outskirts of my town. I think it would help a bit if I could just sit down outside of Bassano and see them. If only they were closer. It hurts to be away from there, it physically and mentally hurts me. It's so strange how a place can do that to a person. I wonder what it means, especially since I wasn't born there. If I was, then it would make a bit more sense, but nope. Been stuck in this dead-end red-neck town my whole life. 
Scott is getting a new vehicle soon, he's been looking at a '99 ford 4x4. I'm gonna assume it's a f-150 like my truck. (except mine doesn't have 4x4 :c ) Either way, he said he wants to go on a really long cruise in it once he gets it and he asked me to go with him. So of course I said yes! Originally, the plan was to go to Saskatchewan. I wasn't too thrilled, but I just said "Oh, I've never been there before!" Which was truth, but there's a reason why- I hate Saskatchewan. xD Stupid flat province >___< Anyways, then he said "Unless you'd like to go through BC?" So then I fessed up how I hated Sask. and would prefer BC and the mountains, so that's how the plan changed. We texted earlier today and I told him how I was feeling and he told me to hold on- that in "literally" two weeks, we'll be able to go to the mountains. So that really brightened my mood. And I made him happy because I told him how much that meant to me haha. I'm so sappy aren't I? 
I just hope the weather is good and sunny! And the roads are clear D: ...And that Mum will let me go .__. The weather is kinda funky up there, which is why we don't go during winter, so I have a feeling mum might burst my happy bubble.  I trust Scott's driving though. He's the first one around my age that I actually feel comfortable with when in the car with him. He doesn't fuck around and I appreciate that. So I gotta cross my fingers real good for this to happen.

In other news, the interview with Ray went really good, her lecturer enjoyed the video a lot, so here's hoping she gets awesome marks! I'm glad I could help c: 
Also since I was in a shitty mood today, I spent over an hour in my truck in the cold, just singing Lady Gaga songs as loud as I could. The truck is really cranky with starting and so the engine didn't want to turn over. The battery is still alive though, so that's cool. I also got my x-mas shopping done for my friends too. Didn't cost me anything! :D I'm giving a shirt to Kelsey- I've only worn it a few times, so it's still fairly new. And I'm giving Megan two chokers (she's Scott's and Kelsey's roomate. We're not close friends, but I'd feel like a jerk if I didn't get her anything) And then for Scott, he wants me to go to Brooks with him to see his GP and stand up for him so he can get his referral letter for the Gender Clinic in Edmonton. His GP is a cranky old coot and won't listen to Scott, plus Scott is at a bit of a loss when telling people what's what sometimes. So he wants me there to back him up- which I personally think is better than any expensive gift I could give him- I get to help him get closer to becoming who he truly is. I think that's awesome. 
I also sort of ruined my pc mouse. There was years of disgusting grime on it and I had to press down the buttons in order to scrape it off, so now the buttons don't work as well anymore- gotta press real hard on them to work. Kinda annoying, but my mouse is clean now!
Oh well I suppose. But that's all that's new with me really. Nothing exciting as usual. Just a mere update.

Stay strong and happy, my friends~

Hush, hush.

Right now I am listening to an old Rock Classic cassette that I'm playing through my computer speakers. A lot of good memories happened with this tape and I plan to cherish it forever. I think I'm gonna have to look up a new cassette player on the internet sometime though because I'd say this one has just about had it. It cuts out constantly, especially if I move the desk whenever I type. I have a player in my truck, but there's a tape jammed in there and I tried for an hour trying to get it out and I never could. Even if I did, the player probably wouldn't work anyhow. I miss having cassettes and vhs tapes. I think they were the best really. Way better than this disk shit we have. (Although I have hundreds of dvds and cds xD) But I wish they had just stayed at vhs and cassettes. That would have been the best in my opinion. I think I might have to try and download the songs on this tape and upload them to iTunes and make a playlist like the tape, just to keep the memories going with these tracks. I've driven many miles with this tape. Hundreds of kilometres. It's so strange to think how a certain song can trigger different memories. Even scents and tastes. Weird how our mind works that way.

I tried posting from my iPhone last night, but Apple doesn't support Blogspot any more, so I guess I can't do that. It sucks because I was thinking about a lot of different things last night. Lately I haven't been talking to anyone at all. I just haven't been in the mood to converse with anyone. It's terrible because I know I'm hurting people by basically ignoring them. I'm not sure what my mind is up to this time. I always tend to have moments like these, they sprout out of nowhere and I just want to be by myself at all times and have no one around me or near me. I didn't feel that way when my old friend, Jace came by though. It was really nice to see him and I'm glad he still considers me as his friend when all the others shunned me after I came out. Today I don't feel good though. My stomach has been all hot and bothered and is constantly hurting. I didn't even eat anything that I shouldn't have! I didn't even cheat or sneak a cookie or anything! So why is my stomach bothering me today? It ruined my plans too because I had asked mum to take me to the mountains today- weather permitting- and my stomach had to be a jerk- like usual. The weather sucks today anyways, so I guess it doesn't matter. But I wanted to go there one more time before winter settled in since mum doesn't want to drive up there during that time. If only we lived closer at least. I also wish Danmark was closer too .__. Been really craving to visit there! One day I will, I'll try to at least. Just to visit and experience the culture and buy things and explore and all those good tourism things lol. I saw a video recently on Youtube about how popular bicycles are there. They showed this type of cycle that had a little carriage sort of thing in the front which was supported on two wheels and then you just have the one regular wheel in the back of the cycle. Kind of like a backwards tricycle? And that some people have them instead of cars since cars are RIDICULOUSLY expensive there. Gas too! And we Canadians complain about the gas... But anyways- I'd rather have a cycle like that instead of a car. That would be great! If only we had cycle lanes here like they do in København D: I bet if North America treated cyclists the way they do in København, we'd be able to reduce car emissions by a lot. Our planet would be a little greener, especially if they spread that mindset to the world! Just imagine... Oh silly me, ranting on about such things LOL. Hot damn am I ever boring. I just care about Earth I suppose. That's why I want to plant trees and clean up garbage from the forests and mountains so badly. Even the cities. If only I had power so I could encourage such things. I know I won't ever strive for that kind of title. But sometimes I wish I could have my ideas heard. Just sometimes. Lol. 

The other day, I had gone to the bank with my mum. That day I dressed up kinda girly. I wore make up and torn up women's skinny jeans. I just felt like it that day. And sometimes I miss wearing makeup and painting my nails. When mum and I were driving back she asked what was with "The girly geddup" I frowned and told her that I just felt like it because I sometimes missed makeup and stuff. I then proceeded to tell her how I kinda want to be like Jeffree Star and how he wears makeup and sometimes girly things. (Then I had to show her and explain to her who Jeffree Star was lol) She said "Oh... okay...." and that was that. I knew there was something behind what she asked, but she never said anything else. Not until last night that is. Last night she came in my room and said she wanted to ask me about something. I said "uh kay..." And she blurted out "Where you sexually abused when you were younger?"  I'm like wtf... She thinks it could be a link as to why I hate my body. That may be it for some girls, but 9 times out of 10, they still want to be girls. Also, that has nothing to do with why I want to be a male. When she comes up with stuff like that, it really pisses me off because it just proves to me that she still hasn't excepted that I'm Trans and that she still wants me to be a girl. I didn't sleep well last night because I was fuming over that for hours. It seriously makes me mad. Yes I was sexually abused when I was younger. No I'm not telling her and no I'm not traumatized by it, nor is it fuel as to why I am transitioning into being a male. I had to control my anger so much when she was in the room with her and I had to convince her for half an hour- maybe longer- that that had nothing to do with me being Trans. She then said "Well maybe you're gay." (As in Lesbian) That was another button that shouldn't have been pressed. I wanted to yell at her so badly. Because I'm not a Lesbian. I am a Male and I am Pansexual. I've told her that many times, but she still doesn't get it. She still calls me Selina. Still calls me female and she and girl. 
At this point, it starts to piss me off when I'm referred to as my old female self. That self is gone. It is no more. And no matter how many times I tell her and discuss this with her, it still doesn't sink in. Not with any of them really. Just Jace. And I am very thankful for him. I wish the rest of my family was like him in that way.
I know I said this in the last entry, but I just wish I could start transitioning already. Maybe then it would sink in for them. Maybe then I can truly be Sora.