Hold me Higher

It has been sunny recently, so I decided to take pictures outside and I met up with my neighbour's cat, Hope. She's a very beautiful and sweet cat. You can't help but get all gushy and happy every time you see her. We were out back behind the garage, she's sitting on the bed of my truck.

Well here's to a more than much needed update. To be honest, for the longest while I wasn't sure what to say anymore. Nothing new was happening and all my feelings were the same, sometimes it got worse, so I wasn't quite in the mood to talk about it.

I just want to let you know that recently I've been doing a lot better. I don't feel the need to starve myself to the point of nauseousness anymore. Well no... That's a lie. I do still feel like I need to, but now I can fight it. I can tell that strange voice in my head to screw off and I'll just eat whatever the hell I want. I know I need to gain weight, but it's a fear of mine all the same. I've sort of been neglecting myself when it comes to weighing my body, but I'm just afraid that if I see the numbers on the scale, that it will illicit a bad reaction from me again and I don't want that to happen. So for now I won't weigh myself. I might on April 23rd though because that will mark the first month of me being on Testosterone. Yep! I finally started it. The Endocrinologist phoned me for an appointment on March 20th in Calgary and the appointment was about an hour long in total. The doctor was a very nice man. I've been really impressed with the doctors involved in the Transgender world. They're always so kind and understanding and they really know their stuff- you can tell they care about you and aren't just doing this for extra money. And I really appreciate that. Even my family doctor cares and it's technically not his job to do so, but he's fully supportive and everything. I'm not used to such kind people, especially in the medical field, so I'm always surprised when a nurse or a doctor or an intern is so friendly and caring. Anyways, the Endocrinologist and I talked for a really long time, he wanted to quiz me to see what I knew to make sure this is really what I wanted. He said I was well informed so I was glad to hear that. I felt like I was being put on the spot when he asked me all those questions so I stumbled a bit on my words- it's mostly because when I'm asked serious questions, my mind decides to go blank... It's quite annoying... Regardless! He gave me my prescription for Androjel and I thank Damien for suggesting it to me that long time ago when we talked on Skype for the first time. It was such a reliever when he mentioned it to me since I am so terribly afraid of needles. And I always make sure that my doctors know as well lol. But yeah, he gave me the prescription and I got it two days later and started on the 23rd. The reason why I chose the 23rd is because it's my favorite number, so I decided it would be neat to have my anniversaries on that day. 

There's not too many changes so far (as expected lol) but I have noticed that I am a lot more hungry- which is really good! And my mood has improved quite a bit. I always get giddy and excited putting on my Androjel in the morning lol. And I have a bit more energy as well. My throat has been sore lately, but I'm not sure if that has anything to do with it- it might just be a cold, but it is helping me talk a bit lower naturally. Oh and.... acneeeeee everywherrreeeeeee. Well... everywhere on my face that is. I've broken out so bad haha. Thing is I was on my period when I started so I was broken out to begin with, but then it got worse after I started my Testosterone... Oh well, I was expecting it anyways lol. It just makes me more self conscious though, but I don't go anywhere, so it's not too big of a deal lmao.  Oh and last Thursday, I went to Edmonton to see Simonne- she's an intern at the gender clinic there if you don't remember her. It was just to check in and do updates and stuff. She also confirmed that the surgeon did get the referral for my mastectomy, so that's really good to hear. I haven't decided when to get my other surgeries yet thus far though, but Simonne said I could take my time with that anyhow, so all is good there.

I also wanted to mention that I got some bad news.... the secretary from my home schooling program phoned me early last month to inform me that I am only able to work with the school until I am 20, which I will be at the exact end of August. This means that I have until then to graduate- which also means I have to finish a whole grade and a half in four months.... It's... stressful. But the school is trying really hard to help me get my diploma, so I need to pull my weight of the bargain as well! I passed my Math final, it was surprisingly easy compared to what I thought it would be. It took me too hours to do though. I also finished my Abnormal Psychology- I definitely learned a lot from that course! And currently I'm on Social 30-2 (which is grade 12 social)

They've given me a study booklet and are going to have me write the English 30-2 exam on it's own. So no course work or anything. And I have to do my Social and another Math as well T-T. I can't remember if they're going to just boot me up to a 30 level Math as well or not. You only need grade 11 Math to graduate though. From then on it's just extra course work to get the credits needed for the diploma. Jeeze, so much work to do... Oh well. Gotta work really hard Sora!!

I like to watch this for motivation when I get too overwhelmed!

Of distant car horns...

Not quite sure what to post for a photo, so here have a recent drawing of mine. I've come a long way from when I first started taking drawing seriously and forming it into a hobby of mine. I can't draw on paper worth shit anymore though. 

This post will probably be completely full with negativity, so be warned.

All my thoughts have been negative lately, I can't come to bring myself out of it. Everything seems to not be going well and as soon as it turns to a brighter corner, it all collapses again. I just want to hurt and starve and destroy myself. I'm so tired.

I hate my body so much, I just want this weight to go away. But no matter what I do, it just stays the same or I gain more. What else should I do?
To get these bags ridden of? The unwanted and excessities that shouldn't be there. I want to see my bones.

I've heard of middle-child syndrome, do they have a youngest-child syndrome too? Where the first born is the most perfect creation your parents have ever made and the youngest will never ever be able to live up to those expectations, no matter how hard they try? 

If there is such a thing, I think I have it. But I think I cause it more so than my family does. I am my worst enemy, I'll admit it. I got my report card today and I suppose I'm really sensitive over my marks. 80's in Psychology and Forensics, but only 65 in Mathematics. Mum praised me for the first two, but I got pissed because it's nothing to be happy over really. The Math says otherwise. My marks aren't something to be happy over. Psychology and Forensics don't mean anything in the real world. All they focus on are the 4 cores. That's why they're called "core" because that's what you need in order to expand and make anything of yourself. That's why the other classes are called "extras" They don't mean anything but points in order for you to graduate. It's not fair really, people say I'm smart and brilliant, but when you look at the marks, they say otherwise. I'm not smart. I'm not brilliant. I am definitely not above average. It's all lies. It won't all be okay. It won't be alright. It just won't. The world isn't kind to the ill-minded. If you're stupid, you're going to be poor and not be able to make ends meet and you're just going to die an old, lonely, miserable soul. 

That's reality.

That's what people are so afraid of.
That's what they try to lie about. To hide the truth from us and say, "hey if you try hard, you can do it. If you give it your best, that's all that matters"
Except that's not how life works.
You can try and try all you bloody well want, but if you don't meet the standards or the expectations, you're rotten meat. You're a bag. You're a waste of space, skin, and existence.

And that's all I am. I'm not as smart as Nick. I'm not as resourceful as Matt. I'm not a hard worker like Mum or Dad. 
I'm none of that.
And no matter how hard I try, no matter if I give it my best shot. I'll never live up to those expectations. I'll never make it. I'll never achieve anything. 

I'm sorry but no one can tell me different. No one can sugar coat it for me and say that things will get better or improve. No one can tell me that I'm not trying hard enough. 
They don't know the pain I've gone through in order to just get this far. 
How much I've struggled, how much I've hurt, how much I've been yelled at.
Nor will I say the details in which this happened to me.
I don't want pity. I don't want sympathy.
I just want to go away now.

But I can't even do that.

This Isn't Everything You Are

My thumb looks broken. Wow. Hate my digits so much.

Really hating on everything today. Nothing is right. I feel horrible and sick. My mum has been coming at me and trying to get me to make another appointment with my psychologist. She thinks I need another medication increase. I think it's high enough, but alas, my mood is horrid. Sleeping has gotten bad again, my depression is increasing again, and my appetite has decreased. I'm honestly tired of seeing doctors. I'm seeing my councillor at least on the 30th. I don't know what to talk about though. I really don't. I'm not sure what's bothering me this time. Maybe the heat, but I can't do anything about that. If the weather is above 20 degrees then I begin to stop functioning properly. I get hot extremely easily and it makes me sick. I hate what my body has become. I can only hope that it improves at least a little bit once I do start hormones, which I wish was sooner than later. I just hope I can still refrain from cutting, but the urge is getting stronger and harder to battle.

I had a strange dream last night. I'm not sure what to make of it.

I dreamt I was one of my characters from the story I had typed up a year ago. He's the antagonist. A very tall man. It was weird being up that high from the ground lol. Basically, his goal his to capture the main character, who is a 16 year old girl. She was originally his mate from her past life, but she died and now he's trying to get her back because he needs to have a child with her. Once that child is of age, it will be the key to destroying the planet and enslaving the human and demon race and yadda yadda. OVER ALL BAD GUY, OKAY? Anyways... in the dream, I was this guy, but he was still controlling himself... I guess? I mean, I couldn't do anything with the body I was in, it was as if someone else was controlling it. But I'll just refer to him as myself so it doesn't get too confusing... I hope... So in the beginning, I had just walked into a bathroom and I silently closed the door behind me. It was a rather large bathroom and I was focused on the shower, which someone was in. I walked up to it and took off all my clothes. I sighed soundlessly and somehow got into the shower without making a noise. The girl was there, rinsing out her long blue-black hair. Suddenly I rushed forward and pinned her against the shower wall. She yelled out in surprise. I wrapped my arms around her quickly and started whispering in her ear. I don't remember what I said, but she stayed as still as she could. She was shaking under me. I could smell the fear emanating off of her as I leaned down and began kissing her back, her arms, all over her neck. I heard her breathing deepen and she started to lean into me. She was so small, so soft, so fragile. After a small while, she began to moan quietly and without warning, I whipped her around to face me. She was like a frightened animal, but her pupils were dilated with lust. I gripped onto her wrists and held her tightly against the shower wall again and forced my lips against hers. She fought a bit, but she was also aware of how much stronger I was than her.  My sex had grown hard already and I teased her own with it. As soon as I touched her, she gasped into my mouth and at that moment I felt like I had lost "control" over myself. I had to be inside her. I released her arms and picked her up, wrapping her legs around my waist. I smiled and rested my forehead against hers and whispered for her to put her arms around my neck. She obeyed and I kissed her gently. Afterwards I decided to enter her and she gasped loudly as she took my rather large size. 

After that I woke up. When I think about it, I smile, yet I feel embarrassed by it at the same time. It's so strange, I don't even know why I had that dream. I dream about that guy a lot too. For the past four days, I have had at least one dream with him in it. But he's a fictional character? He doesn't exist? And I've never been with anyone like him in my life either. But supposedly if you dream about a person constantly, that means they are real? Not sure what to think about that at all. Wish I knew how to make sense of this.

Anyways... Going to Newfoundland in a few weeks, I hope I can have a real good vacation, I hope I don't stress as much as I normally do about things. It's been three whole years since I've been there. After what Sarah did to me, I didn't want to go so much anymore, but my Nan and Pop are counting on me to be there, so I shall go regardless. Just hope I don't see that twit or else the vacation will be ruined. I also hope I can finish my math on time. I have been neglecting it again due to lack of focus. I really need to sit down and work on it again like I did that while ago. I've moved back into my room so it will be quiet. That should help me I hope. Not looking forward to my final. I dread that, I really do.

I began reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower again today. I love this book so much. It is kind of helping my mood as well, so I should read it whenever I can. Just not in one day again, or else my mother will get mad- which is understandable. 

Snow Patrol has released their North American tour dates too. They're going to Calgary. If only I had someone to go with. No one I know likes Snow Patrol. It's kind of saddening because they mean so much to me. Especially Gary. He's really my favorite person in the entire world and I hope no one reading this will be offended by that, but I just want to tell the truth. He is #1 in my book, he really is. 

I wish I could meet him, just have a hug and say thank you. Simple as that. Nothing fancy. Oh if only if only. 

I wish I was healthy already.