Tonight it snows...

And I wonder if tomorrow I will wake up to a wonderland of pure white outside my window. Or will it melt and become disgusting filth, which is well known in southern Alberta to happen. I'm surprised we got snow this early, yet I was awaiting for it to happen at the same time. I think I'm in a love/hate relationship with Winter. Sometimes I love it, other times I can't stand the site of it. The cold has helped me a lot to get better, so I guess I should rather be thankful. Some places never even see snow. If only I could be home. Oh well.


I've been severely heartless lately. Very careless and selfish. No wonder why when I was younger, I always wanted to live by myself. I think I had a premonition at that time. Maybe I secretly knew what kind of a person I would become. To be honest, all I do is hurt people. Only because I hate being with others. I think I only had a one year phase where I wanted to be out with friends all the time. No maybe two years... Separate years. Through all the other years around and in between, I've always wanted to be by myself. Doing my own thing. I get annoyed by the presence of others very easily. That's why I lock myself in my room. That's why I stopped going to birthday parties and hanging out with other people. Sometimes I do feel lonely. I will admit that. But just a visit, maybe once a month or less, and I'm completely fine. Why can't I be fine with sharing my life with others? Why do I have to be so selfish? All I do is hurt people. All the time. Especially the ones that are close to me. No I don't physically beat them. But mentally. I excruciatingly hurt people without thinking about how they may feel, or how it might affect them. Even when I would have a partner, eventually I'd end up wanting to avoid them. Spending days and weeks not talking to them and making up excuses not to see them or be with them. I just get so easily unnerved by humans. Why is that? Am I lying to myself when I say that I love someone? Am I lying to them as well? I'd like to think that I'm not. I'd truly like to think that I mean it when I say it. 


But if I really did love someone... Why would I hurt them?

I wish I knew how to fix myself.