Of distant car horns...

Not quite sure what to post for a photo, so here have a recent drawing of mine. I've come a long way from when I first started taking drawing seriously and forming it into a hobby of mine. I can't draw on paper worth shit anymore though. 

This post will probably be completely full with negativity, so be warned.

All my thoughts have been negative lately, I can't come to bring myself out of it. Everything seems to not be going well and as soon as it turns to a brighter corner, it all collapses again. I just want to hurt and starve and destroy myself. I'm so tired.

I hate my body so much, I just want this weight to go away. But no matter what I do, it just stays the same or I gain more. What else should I do?
To get these bags ridden of? The unwanted and excessities that shouldn't be there. I want to see my bones.

I've heard of middle-child syndrome, do they have a youngest-child syndrome too? Where the first born is the most perfect creation your parents have ever made and the youngest will never ever be able to live up to those expectations, no matter how hard they try? 

If there is such a thing, I think I have it. But I think I cause it more so than my family does. I am my worst enemy, I'll admit it. I got my report card today and I suppose I'm really sensitive over my marks. 80's in Psychology and Forensics, but only 65 in Mathematics. Mum praised me for the first two, but I got pissed because it's nothing to be happy over really. The Math says otherwise. My marks aren't something to be happy over. Psychology and Forensics don't mean anything in the real world. All they focus on are the 4 cores. That's why they're called "core" because that's what you need in order to expand and make anything of yourself. That's why the other classes are called "extras" They don't mean anything but points in order for you to graduate. It's not fair really, people say I'm smart and brilliant, but when you look at the marks, they say otherwise. I'm not smart. I'm not brilliant. I am definitely not above average. It's all lies. It won't all be okay. It won't be alright. It just won't. The world isn't kind to the ill-minded. If you're stupid, you're going to be poor and not be able to make ends meet and you're just going to die an old, lonely, miserable soul. 

That's reality.

That's what people are so afraid of.
That's what they try to lie about. To hide the truth from us and say, "hey if you try hard, you can do it. If you give it your best, that's all that matters"
Except that's not how life works.
You can try and try all you bloody well want, but if you don't meet the standards or the expectations, you're rotten meat. You're a bag. You're a waste of space, skin, and existence.

And that's all I am. I'm not as smart as Nick. I'm not as resourceful as Matt. I'm not a hard worker like Mum or Dad. 
I'm none of that.
And no matter how hard I try, no matter if I give it my best shot. I'll never live up to those expectations. I'll never make it. I'll never achieve anything. 

I'm sorry but no one can tell me different. No one can sugar coat it for me and say that things will get better or improve. No one can tell me that I'm not trying hard enough. 
They don't know the pain I've gone through in order to just get this far. 
How much I've struggled, how much I've hurt, how much I've been yelled at.
Nor will I say the details in which this happened to me.
I don't want pity. I don't want sympathy.
I just want to go away now.

But I can't even do that.

I swerve out of control

Yeah, my hair is long enough for my cat ears again! Not that you can really see them haha. And I've dyed my hair black again. It feels good to be back home haha. Black feels more natural to have than my actual brown hair. Just feels like it suits me more. Lately... I'm not quite sure what my "problem" is. It might be a flu that I can't seem to get rid of. I keep sneezing, sometimes my throat is sore, and all I seem to want to do is sleep. I'll go to bed at 21.00 and won't get up until 16.00 the next day. It's crazy. But because of that, I haven't even been looking at my school work, not even my abnormal psychology- which I love. So I don't think my councillor will be too happy about that come Monday when I see her again. I can't believe it's 2013 already. I'm going to be 20 this year. I can't wrap my head around that either. I guess it's because I never thought I was going to reach this age. Always pretending that I'd reach 18 and stop there. If only, hey? To be honest, I don't have much else to write about. This is basically all that's been happening to me recently. I've gotten into drawing a bit again, so that's a good sign. To be doing a habit I used to do all the time. 

I've noticed that I actually feel more comfortable with having my picture taken. I'm not so self-conscious about the way I look. "Oh am I pretty enough?" "Is my skin okay?" "What about my hair?"

Now I'm just, "Look at the camera and smile, Sora!" And I think my pictures look great too. Even the ones I don't take. There's one that my mum took at xmas and I love it, even though my complexion was really bad haha. Speaking of which, my skin has finally improved a lot. I bought a new cleanser- Neutrogena- and it works awesomely. I gotta use it twice a day every day though. If I don't, then more acne shows up the next day .__. 

I think for now I'm going to let my hair grow out, mostly in the back, kind of like how you usually see the members in visual kei and oshare kei bands... kinda like a mullet... I guess... Just not like a redneck D: I miss dressing similar to those Japanese styles. I never went all out because of lack of money and resources lol. But just because I'm a guy now, doesn't mean I have to stop that, right? Right. I just want to watch that I don't look too feminine. And besides, it's the males who pull off the style the best! >:D So why not, if I miss it? I'm not gonna get into the excessive eye liner, etc, though. I still wanna look a bit masculine, yeah?

I don't think Scott's idea of me moving in with him is gonna happen. A little let down about that, but not the end of the world. I don't mind, honestly. I'd be too much of a mooch anyways haha. 

Well, without further adieu, I bid you all good night~

And love always.

Never Good.

So I've done it again. I fucked up. I made another huge mistake. This is why I don't want to be here anymore. My poor mother. All I do is upset her and make her suffer. Everything I do is wrong. If I stay at home, she's mad because I never go out. If I go out with friends, she's mad because I'm not home. I sit on my ass all day. I'm not allowed to get sick. I got my period today, so I've been bed ridden from cramps and now mum is mad at me because I didn't do what she asked. I am really sorry. No I am not being sarcastic. I just wish I could do something right for once. I just wish I could make you happy. I wish I could do something right for once. I tried offering help earlier but she just said "No, I can do it, you go to your room and rest." Talk about a real guilt trip huh. Why can't I be a good son. Why do I never fear the consequences until they happen. Why do I not care until it's too late. Making the both of us miserable. Why doesn't mum treat Nick and Matt this way? I guess because I'm the youngest and I'm not healthy. At least Matt is supporting himself. Nick finished school and went to college. I've done nothing but hurt Mum. Cause her pain, have her miss work, waste her money on pills and such just for me. I'm not even the little girl that she always wanted. I had to fuck that up too. 

In the midst of things, I still have to buy everyone presents and I've picked up smoking again. Maybe I'll be lucky and get cancer so I can die sooner. I also have a feeling that my self-harming activities may come back. I need to be punished somehow. Being yelled at or ignored completely just isn't enough. 

I don't think I can.

The picture is of my favorite childhood toy, Robin. I've had him since I was about three and he was made the same year I was born. He means a lot to me and has been a huge part of my life. I used to sleep with him beside me in my bed. Once my Mother told me that if the house ever caught on fire, that we wouldn't take anything and we would just run and leave everything else behind to burn. After she told me that, I started taking Robin literally everywhere with me and I would place him by the door in case a fire ever happened, I'd be able to grab him right away and he would be safe with me. I was a very strange child when growing up. 

I'm still not eating proper. I weighed myself this morning and I'm at 43kgs. I was actually happy when I discovered I had lost a kilogram. I think I'm afraid of getting fat. I think I've always feared it. Not to the point where I'd throw my food up, but to the point where I would starve myself. And I'm getting into that habit again. I know I shouldn't do such a thing, but whenever my BMI is below 18, I feel a bit happier with myself, like I accomplished something. But I feel that it could be lower. I don't ever want to reach 100 pounds. I've never been that high and I don't want to. I have a feeling I will once I start testosterone, but that can't be helped I suppose. This isn't healthy. I should tell my councillor about it, but I don't want to actually verbally state that I've been starving myself because I think I could be thinner. To be truly honest, I've thought this way since... probably when I first began puberty- when I was ten. I've hated my body since then. Even though I'm underweight, I don't feel like it. I don't feel like a cow either- don't get me wrong. But I always have that thought, "I could be thinner." I felt disgusted with myself yesterday for having fast food. Just a burger and fries. (minus the buns of course) And I felt so bloated and disgusted, I almost had a breakdown. I'm forcing myself to eat at least one meal a day and a multi-vitamine, so I don't drop too low. And I'm drinking loads more fluids too. Still doesn't make it right, I know. Maybe this phase will pass after a while like it always does. I hope it does. It'd be even nicer if it didn't come back after. I haven't been much in the mood to sleep either. I'm still taking my sleeping pills, but if my body doesn't want to sleep, it's not gonna happen. I look 75mgs the other day and I still had trouble sleeping. I usually take 50mgs. I'm beginning to wonder what caused this drop in my mood. Wasn't I really happy not that long ago? Because I was so excited and happy about the Gender Clinic and such? What happened to that? I need to find it again. I want my happiness to last longer than just a week or two because when the depression hits, it almost kills me. 

Wish I knew how to stay positive. Wish I wasn't such a negative person all the time. Wish I knew how.

And the tears come streaming down your face.

Not quite sure why my last post is all wonky like that with the white background that shouldn't be there. I guess that's what I get for copying and pasting from my iPhone  Oh well, the point was still made. Lately I've been listening to Fix You by Coldplay. It's very relaxing and also emotional at the same time. Today hasn't been a good day. I've only gotten one hour of sleep, which was at 11.00-12.00 basically. It wasn't a total loss because I was able to start on rewriting my story. I didn't get too far because my brain refuses to work on lack of sleep, but I got something down. I didn't really do any school work today either. Just copied an answer I had made the night before into my module book. All day I've been nauseous, shaky, and anxious. I kind of feel like I might have a panic attack, but I don't think I will. I also feel like I might vomit everywhere, but I doubt that's going to happen either. I got another lesson from my cousin today. It was just full of hypocracy (is that a word?) and insults. It surprisingly didn't upset me, it made me laugh a lot because you could tell she was throwing whatever she could think of at me. She mentioned that it would have hurt her more if I had sent everything she had given to me back to her, so I made the package today. I told her before that I was going to throw it out, but I instead changed my mind to sell it on eBay  Today I changed my mind again and put everything in a shoebox for her lol. I also took all of the photos of her that I had gotten over the years and mum had taken while we visited Newfoundland and placed them in the shoebox too. There's probably around a hundred in there. Mostly because mum gets doubles of everything whenever she used to use film. I also got my shirt back from my ex today. I was kinda expecting more than just the shirt, but it's no problem. Not gonna hate her over it. xD As long as she's happy with it. I just hope she treats her next partner with more loyalty. Like I said previous, I was really shocked that she had kissed another guy. I expected I was gonna screw up. I mean I already had so many times, yet she still stayed by me. And I mentioned these things before so I will leave it at that. Now I just feel like I don't have any strings holding me back anymore. My cousin and my ex played a huge part in those strings, but now they've been cut and a weight has been lifted. I'm going to listen to Damien again and say, you know, if I want to be on my own, then so be it. My mum is an independent person and she raised me that way and I'm more than glad for it. So I'll see it as a positive instead of a negative. Thank you again Damien for the advice. ^^ I kinda see you as a mentor even though you're only a few months older than me, but I'm glad I have you there for support with these sorts of things.

All day I've felt really emotional and I think it might be because of my womanhood because it always screws around with my feelings. I just feel like crying really intensely and my heart keeps trying to sink and make me think bad thoughts. I think I might do a little crying later when everyone is in bed, just to conceal things a bit. I don't have a problem, my emotions just need a little exercise, so I need to let them off the leash for a little while. So it will be okay. And beforehand, I'll hide any sharp objects and my pills in order to avoid any bad situations. I get to see Wendy on mandag, so I may talk about this. Well I'll at least try to because it is an important thing to discuss. Even though I've seen Wendy for so long already, I still feel uncomfortable talking about such personal things. I never have with anybody. Well I did to a degree, but not the full brink of what coalesces within my head. But I probably should try to do so soon. Hopefully my mind will settle down after a good rest and after my hormones taper off again. 
Really wish I could be on testosterone right now. I'm almost starting to want it more than the surgeries- which is a good thing in order to get support here in Alberta. Which is dumb as cow poo, but whatever. Right now I'm just in a mix between laughing and being pissed off at my cousin because of what she said in the letter, since I'm thinking about it as I'm typing. It grinds my gears because she was such a nice girl and I really trusted her and then she turns around and hates me completely since I'm Transgender. She thinks I'm lying to myself and that I'm not actually Trans... I think I know myself better than her thank you haha. She said she didn't want anymore letters, she would just tear them up otherwise, so I wrote on the shoebox various things that I was sorry for. Sorry for being her friend, for her being uneducated, for having to keep her whole personal and sexual life a secret from her family, for her always lying and not having a job. For me supposedly wasting 8 years of her life, I said it in a way that made it really be a waste for her and not me. Sorry for trusting her, for looking to her for support, to look to her for protection. The last thing I said was sorry for loving her. Maybe that will get it threw her head what she did. She's blaming everything on me, but from what I've told my family, they only see her in the wrong. So... I should be right then, yes? She says I'm a self-centred, drama queen who only cares about myself... I don't see that at all. I really don't. I've always tried to put people ahead of me when I could. And not to sound spiteful, but she's the one with over 300+ pictures of just herself on Facebook and tagged. I have less than 100 total. So I don't really see how that makes me self-centred. She also called out on me saying that being in an online relationship is always fake, you can never love a person, and yet she's in a relationship on tagged with a girl she's never met before. A girl that seems really shady just from my speculations. Can't really tell much by her status's and the friends she has on her profile. You kinda can, but not quite y'know? What makes me mad about it is she said I can't have an online relationship, yet she's allowed to. She's allowed to post literally hundreds of pictures of herself and be insecure, while I don't even have half that and I'm supposedly conceited? Why would I hate myself so much if I'm supposedly so in love with myself? Does that make sense? It doesn't to me. 
Oh well, my fumes will calm down in a day or two and I'll be fine. I also told her that since she says I'm no longer family, that I didn't need pictures of a weird stranger in my photo albums. That's why I sent all the pictures. Kinda hope it makes her think. I don't want her to be upset, I just want her to use that small brain of hers for once. She said everyone is on her side about this, but honestly, that's not what everyone has told me. I think she's very alone and she's trying to insult me and put me down because she really will be alone. (Okay that makes me sound conceited, but let me explain) Her family doesn't support her in any way at all and they are quite more. They're very old fashioned (Which is the Newfie way) And her mother is very spiteful towards her children. If her children try to stand up against her in any way, she shows them the door and throws all their things outside. To me that's not how a mother should be. I was raised very differently and so I tried my best to support Sarah and try to help her in any way I could, offer advice when I could think of something to say. It still haunts me- the quad accident I caused where I almost killed us. I went straight to her and refused to be on a quad ever since. Is that not caring? I always thought it was. 

I think I'm done venting for now. I wish I'd update more often.

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try 

To fix you.

Are you sure what side you're on?

I'm feeling really sick right now. I want to vomit. I want to spew all of my guts out of my body. I want to cleanse myself. 

I feel so out of it. Severely dizzy and my ears are ringing. I feel as if on the brink of a full-blown panic attack. I don't even know what brought this on. It just happened all of a sudden. Just out of nowhere. My brain can't focus. My thoughts are going everywhere. I guess it doesn't matter that I still long for that man that I cannot have. The one I look up to and yearn for at the same time. The one that doesn't exist except in my self conscious. I've been dreaming a lot about him since the breakup too. It's kind of strange that my mind would do such a thing. It only hurts more when I wake up because I know he's not there. I wish I knew what to do with myself. I want to just go away from here. I want to live in solitude. The ringing is getting louder and I'm shaking. I want to sleep but my brain won't let me and my hands are going numb. Why can't I just sleep everything away? At least for the night. Just to sleep the whole night away and wake up at a decent time in the morning without harshly forcing myself to wake up. 

I'm feeling a smidge better while writing this down. I feel a little calmer except I keep thinking about things that sets off my anxiety and that pushes everything out of perspective again. I need sleep. Good long sleep. I've been craving to cut again but I'm trying to keep everything under control. Just think of different things Sora. Maybe put on some music while you're at it. There's this song by Gary Jules that I like to listen to when I'm in a mood like this and also by Nine Inch Nails. The first one is called Mad World and the second is called Right Where It Belongs. They both just give me this strange atmospheric feeling. Like I'm not actually here. I'm only existing and thinking. That's it. Kind of like I'm floating invisibly in the air. I think a lot about random things to these songs. Sometimes I go into a sort of... Trance I suppose. My mind wanders and time loses meaning for a while. Sometimes I like that feeling. Other times it scares me. So strange how our mind functions. I should sleep now. I'll listen to some music.