I don't feel 19.

Everybody seems to want a reason for everything. Solutions are so much easier to figure out with someone or something to blame. But I have always struggled at the root of the problem. Has it been my absence or my constant lack of defence? I have never spent a lot on finding a remedy. I guess I just figured that it hurt for a reason. I guess that's why I've always turned to writing it down. Not just in stories, but the letters in between. And I guess that's why it haunts the pages of everything. In order to self-examine. I think the thing is that I shut off from everything. From friends, family, my own ambitions, from having fun, and so many other things. I just shut off from everything. Am I self-defeating? Yeah, probably. But I didn't know that I had total control over it. And I'm not sure it even matters why. Sometimes things happen and you can't do anything about it. Plus, I'm the only one who deals with it anyway. So, if everyone could do me a favour and just look away, put their fingers down, and keep their mouths shut. 

Sorry I know I seem angry, but I'm not, I promise. I just know I did this to me and I will have to deal with it accordingly. And I don't need opinions from those who were never a part of it. I don't need them pointing out my problems, they are mine. I don't need reminders, I know better about them than anyone. And yeah I know, I should be finding another way. I know that I should be out seeking a substitute. But just forgetting about everything never really made sense to me. So I haven't been. Do I feel embarrassed about it? I think you know the answer to that. And I think you would probably feel a little bit embarrassed for me, wouldn't you?See, I can tell. I know I should have moved on ages ago and been happy already, but it's just never been that easy for me. Or maybe it could have been me that made it so hard. I know I've only ever tried a handful of times to sever this thing torturing me. It never got me anywhere with anyone. No friendship or hobby, no lover's bed fixed the problem, or at least made things easier. But looking back, I probably never tried hard enough. And it is my fault.

Maybe I never tried at all.