I don't think I can.

The picture is of my favorite childhood toy, Robin. I've had him since I was about three and he was made the same year I was born. He means a lot to me and has been a huge part of my life. I used to sleep with him beside me in my bed. Once my Mother told me that if the house ever caught on fire, that we wouldn't take anything and we would just run and leave everything else behind to burn. After she told me that, I started taking Robin literally everywhere with me and I would place him by the door in case a fire ever happened, I'd be able to grab him right away and he would be safe with me. I was a very strange child when growing up. 

I'm still not eating proper. I weighed myself this morning and I'm at 43kgs. I was actually happy when I discovered I had lost a kilogram. I think I'm afraid of getting fat. I think I've always feared it. Not to the point where I'd throw my food up, but to the point where I would starve myself. And I'm getting into that habit again. I know I shouldn't do such a thing, but whenever my BMI is below 18, I feel a bit happier with myself, like I accomplished something. But I feel that it could be lower. I don't ever want to reach 100 pounds. I've never been that high and I don't want to. I have a feeling I will once I start testosterone, but that can't be helped I suppose. This isn't healthy. I should tell my councillor about it, but I don't want to actually verbally state that I've been starving myself because I think I could be thinner. To be truly honest, I've thought this way since... probably when I first began puberty- when I was ten. I've hated my body since then. Even though I'm underweight, I don't feel like it. I don't feel like a cow either- don't get me wrong. But I always have that thought, "I could be thinner." I felt disgusted with myself yesterday for having fast food. Just a burger and fries. (minus the buns of course) And I felt so bloated and disgusted, I almost had a breakdown. I'm forcing myself to eat at least one meal a day and a multi-vitamine, so I don't drop too low. And I'm drinking loads more fluids too. Still doesn't make it right, I know. Maybe this phase will pass after a while like it always does. I hope it does. It'd be even nicer if it didn't come back after. I haven't been much in the mood to sleep either. I'm still taking my sleeping pills, but if my body doesn't want to sleep, it's not gonna happen. I look 75mgs the other day and I still had trouble sleeping. I usually take 50mgs. I'm beginning to wonder what caused this drop in my mood. Wasn't I really happy not that long ago? Because I was so excited and happy about the Gender Clinic and such? What happened to that? I need to find it again. I want my happiness to last longer than just a week or two because when the depression hits, it almost kills me. 

Wish I knew how to stay positive. Wish I wasn't such a negative person all the time. Wish I knew how.