Softly breathing out your name.

Can't believe I forgot to post here sooner. The last entry I made was over a month ago and now May is already coming to an end soon. I suppose it's because every day that passes is almost the exact same as the previous, but I'm sure I've talked about that before so I will move on. 

This was the first time in two years that I've finally been well enough to attend Otafest.  For those that don't know, Otafest is an anime convention held every year in Calgary. I went in '09 and '10 but after that I fell ill so I couldn't go to the other ones.  I went as Ciel Phantomhive from Black Butler and I had so much fun I don't think I could really describe it to you. This was Otafest's 15th anniversary and it, by far, has been my favorite one to participate in. For me to dress up and cosplay as Ciel was like putting all of my insecurities and problems in a bag and leaving them at home while my mum and I drove to Calgary. It was a huge relief from everything and all of my worries.  It was so nice.  To be honest, this year, it was like dressing up as a celebrity. A lot of people told me I was the best Ciel there, so it proved to me that I did a really good job. I tried so hard because I wanted it to be great TvT It was kind of weird having people fangirl over me though. I would hear my name in the distance and turn around and wave at the girls and they'd go, "EEEEEEEEEEEHEEEHEHEHE"  I wasn't sure what to do except to laugh. And despite the outfit, many people recognized that I WAS A GUY IT WAS TERRIFIC. There was one group of girls that stated that they weren't sure so I told them I was a guy and they suddenly got super excited o__o 'OH MY GOSH IT'S A MALE CIEL OMFGS;LDFJA;SDLKFJ" It was crazy!! I didn't take it in as a narcissistic way, but in the sense that I made all of these people (mostly girls) really happy and so that made me feel good ^^  There was a girl that came running from like... maybe a mile away (or more) screaming at me, "CIEL I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE HUGS BUT I WANNA HUG YOU SO BAD" So I opened my arms wide and I honestly think I made that girl's day. I have a picture with her on my facebook. I think she was supposed to be China from Hetalia. But she was just BEAMING, it was so nice. I feel all fuzzy and warm inside thinking about Otafest, I had such a good time haha. 

I also met a girl in the vendor room and I gave her my e-mail, but she never mailed me... It was kind of disappointing because she was really nice and cute.  I THINK she said her name was Hikiko, but it was really loud, so I could be wrong. Maybe she forgot about it or maybe I wrote my e-mail wrong, I'll never know lol. I met another girl though, she's half Italian/half Japanese, I met her through Instagram because I posted a picture of my cosplay and she said she was upset because she never saw me, so we exchanged numbers and we text now, she's a really neat person and is super infatuated with visual kei which I admire so much you have no idea. She lives in Calgary though and I lack a vehicle, so I'm not sure the chances of us ever meeting .__. She wants me to go to Animethon in August (it's in Edmonton) I'm not sure if I'll go, but I suppose only time will tell. 

Gosh I've said a lot about the con haven't I? It was just a fantastic experience <: I think I'll stay with my Ciel cosplay for future Otafests though, I don't feel the need to get something else like I did with my previous outfits. 

I don't really have much to say about my general life I don't think, but I've become a lot more positive with the "negative" changes of my transition that I mentioned before. I was 48kg, but my hunger has FINALLY evened out so I'm down to 45-46kg which I am now comfortable with. Sleep is still super iffy, but whatever. I've gotten used to the acne and even though it's not improving any, it's not getting any worse either. I'm getting more leg hair and it's darker too, it's kinda neat. I'm getting a moustache too! I'm not letting it grow out yet though because that will look really terrible xD No beard hair though. My hands have grown I noticed- at least my thumbs have haha. And I have actually grown a whole inch in height!! I am exactly 5 feet now (153cm) And I wasn't supposed to grow at all, so that just gives me a whole world of joy. My hair is super oily now though .__.

Uhm with regards to school, I talked to my principal....two weeks ago? and she said if I keep a steady pace, I will be able to graduate at the end of August :D

The only problem is that since then, I have fallen two weeks behind (OOPS) But I'm trying to catch up now. I have Social and English I have to finish by June. Well mostly Social because I only have to study and watch a movie for English. And then I have Math (yay....) and extra courses to finish by August.

It seems like I can finally see the faint glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

Of distant car horns...

Not quite sure what to post for a photo, so here have a recent drawing of mine. I've come a long way from when I first started taking drawing seriously and forming it into a hobby of mine. I can't draw on paper worth shit anymore though. 

This post will probably be completely full with negativity, so be warned.

All my thoughts have been negative lately, I can't come to bring myself out of it. Everything seems to not be going well and as soon as it turns to a brighter corner, it all collapses again. I just want to hurt and starve and destroy myself. I'm so tired.

I hate my body so much, I just want this weight to go away. But no matter what I do, it just stays the same or I gain more. What else should I do?
To get these bags ridden of? The unwanted and excessities that shouldn't be there. I want to see my bones.

I've heard of middle-child syndrome, do they have a youngest-child syndrome too? Where the first born is the most perfect creation your parents have ever made and the youngest will never ever be able to live up to those expectations, no matter how hard they try? 

If there is such a thing, I think I have it. But I think I cause it more so than my family does. I am my worst enemy, I'll admit it. I got my report card today and I suppose I'm really sensitive over my marks. 80's in Psychology and Forensics, but only 65 in Mathematics. Mum praised me for the first two, but I got pissed because it's nothing to be happy over really. The Math says otherwise. My marks aren't something to be happy over. Psychology and Forensics don't mean anything in the real world. All they focus on are the 4 cores. That's why they're called "core" because that's what you need in order to expand and make anything of yourself. That's why the other classes are called "extras" They don't mean anything but points in order for you to graduate. It's not fair really, people say I'm smart and brilliant, but when you look at the marks, they say otherwise. I'm not smart. I'm not brilliant. I am definitely not above average. It's all lies. It won't all be okay. It won't be alright. It just won't. The world isn't kind to the ill-minded. If you're stupid, you're going to be poor and not be able to make ends meet and you're just going to die an old, lonely, miserable soul. 

That's reality.

That's what people are so afraid of.
That's what they try to lie about. To hide the truth from us and say, "hey if you try hard, you can do it. If you give it your best, that's all that matters"
Except that's not how life works.
You can try and try all you bloody well want, but if you don't meet the standards or the expectations, you're rotten meat. You're a bag. You're a waste of space, skin, and existence.

And that's all I am. I'm not as smart as Nick. I'm not as resourceful as Matt. I'm not a hard worker like Mum or Dad. 
I'm none of that.
And no matter how hard I try, no matter if I give it my best shot. I'll never live up to those expectations. I'll never make it. I'll never achieve anything. 

I'm sorry but no one can tell me different. No one can sugar coat it for me and say that things will get better or improve. No one can tell me that I'm not trying hard enough. 
They don't know the pain I've gone through in order to just get this far. 
How much I've struggled, how much I've hurt, how much I've been yelled at.
Nor will I say the details in which this happened to me.
I don't want pity. I don't want sympathy.
I just want to go away now.

But I can't even do that.

Did I have it and lose it?

S'cuse me while I stuff my face with rice. I still haven't been feeling that great lately. Still have a cold, plus womanhood revealed itself on Monday so now I have to deal with that too. Really wish I could have my testosterone already. But I have a few months to wait yet.

I'm single once again. That didn't last long did it? Megan...  I'm not sure how to explain it really. Recently she's been hanging out with a drug addict- I'm wondering if she's been taking drugs with him too. Her behaviour has been really sporadic and dangerous. She was constantly threatening Scott and Kelsey and everyone at her work was terrified of her. Kelsey  was afraid to be alone with Megan. So Scott had no choice but to kick her out. She... seriously stated that she wanted to kill a cat and wanted to go dig up a baby's grave... all for cigarettes. She won't let Scott take her to the ward in Medicine Hat or Calgary because she thinks she's completely fine. She's also been frolicking around with this Matthew guy she's known for a long time. She might have some actual STD's as well... So I'm very glad that our relationship didn't become sexual. That could have been a real mess. So she's forgotten all about me, so I suppose I'm "off the hook" so to speak. After a while it didn't really feel like we were in a relationship anymore anyways. I knew something was up when I began to feel that. I always get strange feelings about this sort of thing when my relationship with someone is suddenly about to end.

Too be honest, I kind of miss Danielle. She was always easy to talk to, I felt like I genuinely cared about her. I actually didn't mind calling her "babe" or any other pet name and I enjoyed our conversations when I was upset. What I liked most was making her feel like someone cared for her. She didn't think she was capable of having someone actually love her, but I did. At the time I suppose. I always end up missing the person who hurts me. I still miss the other one. I hate going to Medicine Hat in fear of seeing him... But I don't really want to talk about him. When stuff like this happens, I don't actually feel hurt, like I should cry or feel sad. I don't feel that, but I say they hurt me because I know a normal person would be upset over it. That it should hurt, even though it doesn't. Maybe I have a problem with my feelings when it comes to other people... Who knows.

Mum had me weigh myself the other day and I didn't show it, but I was very terrified. The scale said I was 45kgs... I have never been that heavy in my life. I couldn't bring myself to really eat for a few days after that. I weighed myself yesterday and it said I was 44kgs, so I do feel better about that. It's just I shouldn't feel that way though. I should have been happy seeing that 45 on the scale. I feel happy when I can see my bones. I love seeing the scars on my body and I wish I had more. I'm not terribly underweight for my size, but I wish I was. And that's not right. Do I enjoy being sick? Do I like being unhealthy? Do I want to hurt myself? I'm starting to wonder.

My head is in such a mess.

Falling Away With You

I do suppose that I am in need of an update, it has been a while. Not much has been going on. It's been pretty relaxed as usual. I finally wrapped Birth By Sleep tonight. I was kinda disappointed by how it ended. There were a lot of feelings and emotions that it evoked out of me though haha. But Kingdom Hearts games usually tend to do that to me. I have a new girlfriend. Her name is Megan and we're in an "actual" relationship. Not an online one, so I meet her in person and everything lol. She's eighteen and lives with Scott and Kelsey right now. We've been dating for about two weeks. To be honest, when I first met her I didn't like her too much. But first impressions aren't everything right? After I got to know her better, I began liking her and Scott and I convinced her to break up with her abusive boyfriend. All he did was use her and make her miserable. If she was happy with him, then I wouldn't have bothered, because... well that'd just be a complete ass of a move lol. But according to Scott, after I left, she was really happy and has been a lot happier since then, so I'm glad. I haven't told mum about her yet, but I probably will soon when I get the guts to do so. At least mum has met her already and even said she was a nice girl. So thumbs up for that! Another thumbs up that Megan doesn't snore when she sleeps lmao. I hate people who snore so much, ugh. Anyways. Last Friday, I went to hang out with Scott, Kelsey, and Megan, as I do every weekend now. First it was just Scott and I and we went to Brooks to get Tim Horton's. Coffee for him and a small ice cap for me. After we drove around Brooks for a while and Scott showed me all the places that him and the girls grew up. It was really interesting- hearing all the stories he told and the meanings behind the places. Plus we got to see some pretty decked out houses. Tons and tons of Christmas lights and trees haha. Then we went back to Bassano and picked up the girls and drove around before heading back to their place. I think it was about 02.00 by the time we decided to finally go to bed haha. After Megan and I went to bed, I ended up having a panic attack. I think it was the shortest panic attack I had ever had. And unfortunately I had Megan freaked out ._. Oops. It was also the first time it happened at someone else's house too. But in the end, I'm glad it went away fast. I'm pretty sure the cause of it was the ice cap I had earlier, which makes me very thankful that I had only gotten a small. And now I will never have caffeine ever again. D: Scary shit son. Then after I had calmed down, apparently Scott's bird blew a blood vessel. (This is at 04.00 now) And so they had to drive all the way to Calgary (1h 30min drive) to take the bird to the emergency vet since they were the closest one's that specialized in birds .__. I was really worried since Scott had only had maybe 3 hours of sleep for the passed two days. But him and Kelsey made it to the vet in one piece. Took them 3 and a half hours to find the vet though! They ended up calling a taxi service and had a cab lead the way there. So it was about 08.00 by the time they got there. The bird ended up having to go through surgery and Kelsey was flipping out. She's very attached to their pets. All in all though, the bird is fine and Kelsey and Scott made it back fine too. It was a very busy night... and basically the only excitement that I've had since haha. 

They want me to move in come January too. I'm not sure how I feel about that because they say it's okay if I don't pay rent or anything. So basically I'd be mooching off of them. In return they just want me to clean, since they can't do it worth shit lol. Which honestly sounds great because I love cleaning, but I am kind of high maintenance and they aren't exactly rich... What with my medications and the special diet I have. Plus they're gonna have to pay extra for their utilities since I'll be there all the time and extra groceries I need and stuff. It just doesn't sound fair for them in my opinion. But I would love to live with them. I also doubt that my mother would let me move there given the circumstances as well, even though I'm an adult now and everything, my mum still has final say over me. Just because I'm not as independent as I should be and don't have a job or anything. Otherwise my mum wouldn't have a problem. I just don't want to be a burden to them and I told them that and they say "Oh, you won't be" "We'll be happy to have you" And etc, etc, But that will only last so long before they notice the decrease in money they have once I'm there. Ugh... If only I was closer to graduating. I keep saying that, but it just seems so far away and it pisses me off. I need to be a full adult already. 
Maybe I'll just get a part time job at the grocery store since it's close to their place and then I still have a bunch of hours to do school work. Maybe it will motivate me more. Yeah... That does sound better and then I can give them a bit of rent too. Although I doubt it will be much, but I would feel better if I gave them something. I feel better now that I sorted that out right now LOL. 

My eating has improved since the last post as well. Gone back to eating two meals and snacks in between like I used to do. And the "End of the World" is this Friday hahaha. What a laugh that is. I'll probably be over at Scott's again. I also need to finish my x-mas shopping too /: Need Mum, Nick, and Dad. And then I'll be good. Not sure how I'm gonna pull that off, but we'll see. 
Nothing else to really mention- Not that I can think of anyways. Mood hasn't been too bad, sleeping could be better, but it always could be. So I guess I'll stop here. 

Have a good week everyone~

I don't think I can.

The picture is of my favorite childhood toy, Robin. I've had him since I was about three and he was made the same year I was born. He means a lot to me and has been a huge part of my life. I used to sleep with him beside me in my bed. Once my Mother told me that if the house ever caught on fire, that we wouldn't take anything and we would just run and leave everything else behind to burn. After she told me that, I started taking Robin literally everywhere with me and I would place him by the door in case a fire ever happened, I'd be able to grab him right away and he would be safe with me. I was a very strange child when growing up. 

I'm still not eating proper. I weighed myself this morning and I'm at 43kgs. I was actually happy when I discovered I had lost a kilogram. I think I'm afraid of getting fat. I think I've always feared it. Not to the point where I'd throw my food up, but to the point where I would starve myself. And I'm getting into that habit again. I know I shouldn't do such a thing, but whenever my BMI is below 18, I feel a bit happier with myself, like I accomplished something. But I feel that it could be lower. I don't ever want to reach 100 pounds. I've never been that high and I don't want to. I have a feeling I will once I start testosterone, but that can't be helped I suppose. This isn't healthy. I should tell my councillor about it, but I don't want to actually verbally state that I've been starving myself because I think I could be thinner. To be truly honest, I've thought this way since... probably when I first began puberty- when I was ten. I've hated my body since then. Even though I'm underweight, I don't feel like it. I don't feel like a cow either- don't get me wrong. But I always have that thought, "I could be thinner." I felt disgusted with myself yesterday for having fast food. Just a burger and fries. (minus the buns of course) And I felt so bloated and disgusted, I almost had a breakdown. I'm forcing myself to eat at least one meal a day and a multi-vitamine, so I don't drop too low. And I'm drinking loads more fluids too. Still doesn't make it right, I know. Maybe this phase will pass after a while like it always does. I hope it does. It'd be even nicer if it didn't come back after. I haven't been much in the mood to sleep either. I'm still taking my sleeping pills, but if my body doesn't want to sleep, it's not gonna happen. I look 75mgs the other day and I still had trouble sleeping. I usually take 50mgs. I'm beginning to wonder what caused this drop in my mood. Wasn't I really happy not that long ago? Because I was so excited and happy about the Gender Clinic and such? What happened to that? I need to find it again. I want my happiness to last longer than just a week or two because when the depression hits, it almost kills me. 

Wish I knew how to stay positive. Wish I wasn't such a negative person all the time. Wish I knew how.