Bones sinking like stones.

So I figured I should update for the sake of updating. I'm in a bit of a depressive state currently, but I'm trying to stay strong. I haven't been eating properly at all. Just apple and peanut butter in the early afternoon and then I snack on "poop" until I go to bed. IN MY DEFENCE IT'S NOT ACTUALLY POOP. I CAN PROMISE YOU THAT.

Lemme explain.
It's like raisins and melted chocolate put into a small little clump on a cookie sheet with plastic wrap and it's put into the fridge to cool. Then you have this chocolatey raisin clump of deliciousness. 
NOW the first time Mum made this, she put it in the fridge to harden and later on that day, Nick came upstairs to get a drink and saw the "creation" Mum made and asked her "Mum, did you put poop in the fridge?!" 
And Mum was like "YES, CAUSE I WOULD GO OUTSIDE AND TAKE SPRITE'S SHIT AND PUT IT IN THE FRIDGE." 
I laughed soooo harrrrdd. Hilarious. And so we've just called it "poop" ever since, because we don't have an actual name for it haha. Maybe Raisin Clusters would be better? Yeah that doesn't sound too bad haha. 
But yeah, that's what I've mostly been snacking on for the past three days for supper. I can't decide what to properly eat for the life of me. Mum would even ask me, "If you could have anything in the world to eat, what would it be?" And I have no answer for her and she could spend an hour listing everything we have and every time, I just say "No."  I'll picture the food in my head and it will immediately turn my stomach and I won't want it. I don't know why this is though. Also today, I was very dizzy and anxious and I haven't felt like that in a while. The de-realization was very strong too, which aggravated my anxiousness even more. I almost had a panic attack. I came very close. When such things happen, I really crave to be in the mountains. I crave to go home because I immediately feel better and calmer. And that's what kinda triggered my depression because I can't just hop on over there. I can't even see it from the outskirts of my town. I think it would help a bit if I could just sit down outside of Bassano and see them. If only they were closer. It hurts to be away from there, it physically and mentally hurts me. It's so strange how a place can do that to a person. I wonder what it means, especially since I wasn't born there. If I was, then it would make a bit more sense, but nope. Been stuck in this dead-end red-neck town my whole life. 
Scott is getting a new vehicle soon, he's been looking at a '99 ford 4x4. I'm gonna assume it's a f-150 like my truck. (except mine doesn't have 4x4 :c ) Either way, he said he wants to go on a really long cruise in it once he gets it and he asked me to go with him. So of course I said yes! Originally, the plan was to go to Saskatchewan. I wasn't too thrilled, but I just said "Oh, I've never been there before!" Which was truth, but there's a reason why- I hate Saskatchewan. xD Stupid flat province >___< Anyways, then he said "Unless you'd like to go through BC?" So then I fessed up how I hated Sask. and would prefer BC and the mountains, so that's how the plan changed. We texted earlier today and I told him how I was feeling and he told me to hold on- that in "literally" two weeks, we'll be able to go to the mountains. So that really brightened my mood. And I made him happy because I told him how much that meant to me haha. I'm so sappy aren't I? 
I just hope the weather is good and sunny! And the roads are clear D: ...And that Mum will let me go .__. The weather is kinda funky up there, which is why we don't go during winter, so I have a feeling mum might burst my happy bubble.  I trust Scott's driving though. He's the first one around my age that I actually feel comfortable with when in the car with him. He doesn't fuck around and I appreciate that. So I gotta cross my fingers real good for this to happen.

In other news, the interview with Ray went really good, her lecturer enjoyed the video a lot, so here's hoping she gets awesome marks! I'm glad I could help c: 
Also since I was in a shitty mood today, I spent over an hour in my truck in the cold, just singing Lady Gaga songs as loud as I could. The truck is really cranky with starting and so the engine didn't want to turn over. The battery is still alive though, so that's cool. I also got my x-mas shopping done for my friends too. Didn't cost me anything! :D I'm giving a shirt to Kelsey- I've only worn it a few times, so it's still fairly new. And I'm giving Megan two chokers (she's Scott's and Kelsey's roomate. We're not close friends, but I'd feel like a jerk if I didn't get her anything) And then for Scott, he wants me to go to Brooks with him to see his GP and stand up for him so he can get his referral letter for the Gender Clinic in Edmonton. His GP is a cranky old coot and won't listen to Scott, plus Scott is at a bit of a loss when telling people what's what sometimes. So he wants me there to back him up- which I personally think is better than any expensive gift I could give him- I get to help him get closer to becoming who he truly is. I think that's awesome. 
I also sort of ruined my pc mouse. There was years of disgusting grime on it and I had to press down the buttons in order to scrape it off, so now the buttons don't work as well anymore- gotta press real hard on them to work. Kinda annoying, but my mouse is clean now!
Oh well I suppose. But that's all that's new with me really. Nothing exciting as usual. Just a mere update.

Stay strong and happy, my friends~

And the tears come streaming down your face.

Not quite sure why my last post is all wonky like that with the white background that shouldn't be there. I guess that's what I get for copying and pasting from my iPhone  Oh well, the point was still made. Lately I've been listening to Fix You by Coldplay. It's very relaxing and also emotional at the same time. Today hasn't been a good day. I've only gotten one hour of sleep, which was at 11.00-12.00 basically. It wasn't a total loss because I was able to start on rewriting my story. I didn't get too far because my brain refuses to work on lack of sleep, but I got something down. I didn't really do any school work today either. Just copied an answer I had made the night before into my module book. All day I've been nauseous, shaky, and anxious. I kind of feel like I might have a panic attack, but I don't think I will. I also feel like I might vomit everywhere, but I doubt that's going to happen either. I got another lesson from my cousin today. It was just full of hypocracy (is that a word?) and insults. It surprisingly didn't upset me, it made me laugh a lot because you could tell she was throwing whatever she could think of at me. She mentioned that it would have hurt her more if I had sent everything she had given to me back to her, so I made the package today. I told her before that I was going to throw it out, but I instead changed my mind to sell it on eBay  Today I changed my mind again and put everything in a shoebox for her lol. I also took all of the photos of her that I had gotten over the years and mum had taken while we visited Newfoundland and placed them in the shoebox too. There's probably around a hundred in there. Mostly because mum gets doubles of everything whenever she used to use film. I also got my shirt back from my ex today. I was kinda expecting more than just the shirt, but it's no problem. Not gonna hate her over it. xD As long as she's happy with it. I just hope she treats her next partner with more loyalty. Like I said previous, I was really shocked that she had kissed another guy. I expected I was gonna screw up. I mean I already had so many times, yet she still stayed by me. And I mentioned these things before so I will leave it at that. Now I just feel like I don't have any strings holding me back anymore. My cousin and my ex played a huge part in those strings, but now they've been cut and a weight has been lifted. I'm going to listen to Damien again and say, you know, if I want to be on my own, then so be it. My mum is an independent person and she raised me that way and I'm more than glad for it. So I'll see it as a positive instead of a negative. Thank you again Damien for the advice. ^^ I kinda see you as a mentor even though you're only a few months older than me, but I'm glad I have you there for support with these sorts of things.

All day I've felt really emotional and I think it might be because of my womanhood because it always screws around with my feelings. I just feel like crying really intensely and my heart keeps trying to sink and make me think bad thoughts. I think I might do a little crying later when everyone is in bed, just to conceal things a bit. I don't have a problem, my emotions just need a little exercise, so I need to let them off the leash for a little while. So it will be okay. And beforehand, I'll hide any sharp objects and my pills in order to avoid any bad situations. I get to see Wendy on mandag, so I may talk about this. Well I'll at least try to because it is an important thing to discuss. Even though I've seen Wendy for so long already, I still feel uncomfortable talking about such personal things. I never have with anybody. Well I did to a degree, but not the full brink of what coalesces within my head. But I probably should try to do so soon. Hopefully my mind will settle down after a good rest and after my hormones taper off again. 
Really wish I could be on testosterone right now. I'm almost starting to want it more than the surgeries- which is a good thing in order to get support here in Alberta. Which is dumb as cow poo, but whatever. Right now I'm just in a mix between laughing and being pissed off at my cousin because of what she said in the letter, since I'm thinking about it as I'm typing. It grinds my gears because she was such a nice girl and I really trusted her and then she turns around and hates me completely since I'm Transgender. She thinks I'm lying to myself and that I'm not actually Trans... I think I know myself better than her thank you haha. She said she didn't want anymore letters, she would just tear them up otherwise, so I wrote on the shoebox various things that I was sorry for. Sorry for being her friend, for her being uneducated, for having to keep her whole personal and sexual life a secret from her family, for her always lying and not having a job. For me supposedly wasting 8 years of her life, I said it in a way that made it really be a waste for her and not me. Sorry for trusting her, for looking to her for support, to look to her for protection. The last thing I said was sorry for loving her. Maybe that will get it threw her head what she did. She's blaming everything on me, but from what I've told my family, they only see her in the wrong. So... I should be right then, yes? She says I'm a self-centred, drama queen who only cares about myself... I don't see that at all. I really don't. I've always tried to put people ahead of me when I could. And not to sound spiteful, but she's the one with over 300+ pictures of just herself on Facebook and tagged. I have less than 100 total. So I don't really see how that makes me self-centred. She also called out on me saying that being in an online relationship is always fake, you can never love a person, and yet she's in a relationship on tagged with a girl she's never met before. A girl that seems really shady just from my speculations. Can't really tell much by her status's and the friends she has on her profile. You kinda can, but not quite y'know? What makes me mad about it is she said I can't have an online relationship, yet she's allowed to. She's allowed to post literally hundreds of pictures of herself and be insecure, while I don't even have half that and I'm supposedly conceited? Why would I hate myself so much if I'm supposedly so in love with myself? Does that make sense? It doesn't to me. 
Oh well, my fumes will calm down in a day or two and I'll be fine. I also told her that since she says I'm no longer family, that I didn't need pictures of a weird stranger in my photo albums. That's why I sent all the pictures. Kinda hope it makes her think. I don't want her to be upset, I just want her to use that small brain of hers for once. She said everyone is on her side about this, but honestly, that's not what everyone has told me. I think she's very alone and she's trying to insult me and put me down because she really will be alone. (Okay that makes me sound conceited, but let me explain) Her family doesn't support her in any way at all and they are quite more. They're very old fashioned (Which is the Newfie way) And her mother is very spiteful towards her children. If her children try to stand up against her in any way, she shows them the door and throws all their things outside. To me that's not how a mother should be. I was raised very differently and so I tried my best to support Sarah and try to help her in any way I could, offer advice when I could think of something to say. It still haunts me- the quad accident I caused where I almost killed us. I went straight to her and refused to be on a quad ever since. Is that not caring? I always thought it was. 

I think I'm done venting for now. I wish I'd update more often.

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try 

To fix you.

Are you sure what side you're on?

I'm feeling really sick right now. I want to vomit. I want to spew all of my guts out of my body. I want to cleanse myself. 

I feel so out of it. Severely dizzy and my ears are ringing. I feel as if on the brink of a full-blown panic attack. I don't even know what brought this on. It just happened all of a sudden. Just out of nowhere. My brain can't focus. My thoughts are going everywhere. I guess it doesn't matter that I still long for that man that I cannot have. The one I look up to and yearn for at the same time. The one that doesn't exist except in my self conscious. I've been dreaming a lot about him since the breakup too. It's kind of strange that my mind would do such a thing. It only hurts more when I wake up because I know he's not there. I wish I knew what to do with myself. I want to just go away from here. I want to live in solitude. The ringing is getting louder and I'm shaking. I want to sleep but my brain won't let me and my hands are going numb. Why can't I just sleep everything away? At least for the night. Just to sleep the whole night away and wake up at a decent time in the morning without harshly forcing myself to wake up. 

I'm feeling a smidge better while writing this down. I feel a little calmer except I keep thinking about things that sets off my anxiety and that pushes everything out of perspective again. I need sleep. Good long sleep. I've been craving to cut again but I'm trying to keep everything under control. Just think of different things Sora. Maybe put on some music while you're at it. There's this song by Gary Jules that I like to listen to when I'm in a mood like this and also by Nine Inch Nails. The first one is called Mad World and the second is called Right Where It Belongs. They both just give me this strange atmospheric feeling. Like I'm not actually here. I'm only existing and thinking. That's it. Kind of like I'm floating invisibly in the air. I think a lot about random things to these songs. Sometimes I go into a sort of... Trance I suppose. My mind wanders and time loses meaning for a while. Sometimes I like that feeling. Other times it scares me. So strange how our mind functions. I should sleep now. I'll listen to some music.