It's been a while.

Well that was me on the air plane when I was returning home from my holiday. Over all it went really well. Better than I expected really, despite the poor weather. My mum complained about it the whole time, but I honestly thought it was great. It was a very nice break from the 30+ degrees we've had in Alberta. While I was in Newfoundland, my depression lowered like you wouldn't believe and I was eating lots and sleeping lots. It was very relaxing and it made me realize how much I missed my Nan and Pop. When I saw them at the air port in St. John's, I almost wanted to cry. I'm so emotional since the Panic Disorder started. It's extremely easily to make me cry- whether it be happily or sadly. I wish I had better control over it though. I bonded a lot with my Pop this year. This trip, I decided that I would try to be social and kind to everyone every chance I got. And I did it! My Pop seemed very happy and so did my Nan as well. They were always hugging me and telling me how much they loved me. It was very nice. Very very nice. We didn't go to the city this time, but that's okay. My mum, Nan, and I, went to the mini mall in the next town over to go shopping. I was feeling very light headed and ill that day though, so I only got two shirts and then had to go sit down on a bench in the corridor, while I waited for my mum and Nan to finish. We then had to go home because I started feeling very anxious and uncomfortable. I think it was because I wasn't used to being at the mall. I noticed when I'm in public places that I'm unfamiliar with, my anxiety really starts acting up and it gets harder to fight. When we went the second time though, I was able to control it and buy a few things for myself and my girlfriend. We also went "Up the shore" as the Newfies say, to some little nick nack stores and bought souvenirs and such.

Since Mum and I returned on a Saturday, I decided that I should go into the woods and escape from the world for a little while- at least once before I had to leave. So that's what I did on the Friday before. Right after I ate my supper, I put my shoes on and left. I didn't say that I was going, so no one knew where I was. That made me feel very relaxed and free with myself. There's a hiking trail about five minutes from my grand parent's house. It goes deeply into the woods, almost constantly going uphill. I left the house at 6 and walked for about two hours, all the way to the end- which is called Lousy Rock. It's right across from the town's light house. I was dripping with sweat when I reached the rock and I fell on top of it and just laid there for ten minutes. Soaking in the twilight sun. Breathing in the Forest's natural perfume. Lacing the fresh salty air between my fingertips, letting it dance through my hair. At that moment I felt so accomplished. So alone. So free. So small. Surprisingly it was a nice feeling. A reassuring one. Then I realized the time and almost ran all the way back home haha. I fell once, and it bruised my knee, but I just walked it off and I was good in no time. Dark had fallen by the time I had gotten out of the woods and my mum and Pop had just pulled out of the driveway to go looking for me- then pulled back in when they saw me coming up the road haha. 

I was sore for days after that. But I wish I could do it again. I wish I lived near the forests so I could disappear within it's shelter for an hour or two. I can't even describe how surreal it was. How wonderful it was. Just to sort of- erase myself from society. I like doing that. Not in a suicidal sort of way, but in a "I want to be alone with nature" kind of way, if that makes sense. It makes me wish I was closer to finishing school. Then I'd go and apply for a job in the mountains already. 

But of course laziness solves nothing.

On another topic, I found out yesterday that my friend Scott moved to my town. We hung out and chatted with him, his girlfriend, and his family for a few hours. I felt happier than I have been since I've come back from Newfoundland. I really do enjoy Scott's friendship and his girlfriend's as well (Her name's Kelsey for future reference) Both of them have been greater friends to me than any of the friends I've had in... probably my whole lifetime. Apart from Jace and my online friends of course. So now that Jace has gone off to college, I won't be completely alone if I need someone who's around my age to just hang out with and talk about pointless and not-so-pointless things. 

If only I could keep my mood up. 

If only, if only, the wood pecker sighed.