Live freaky, die freaky

I dyed my hair an insanely bright color of red and I'm not sure if I like it yet or not. And I'm too tired to take a "today" picture of me, so have a really bad facebook photo instead.

I felt like I should post today because lately I've been feeling really happy with myself and somewhat of my life as well and I think I should try to focus a bit on that and try to have that feeling last as long as I can before I hit that rut again. I know I will hit it, that's the joys of depression, but it doesn't mean that I can still try and be happy. Recently I haven't had any thoughts of self-harm or suicide. I haven't contemplated killing myself like I have been for the past while. I was supposed to see my psychologist this month, which I was really in need of, but I can't see her until the end of January. Oh the joys of living in a small town .___.

But lately I don't feel like I need to see her so badly anymore. Like I said, I've been in a more positive mood- very chipper. I noticed it whenever I started hanging out with Scott and Kelsey. (Scott is Transgender as well) They're just... really good friends. I mean really good. To me, they are seriously the best friends I had ever had in my life. I don't think I've ever felt so comfortable around someone before as I do with them. They're like family, maybe even closer in a way... Can friends be closer than family? I'm not even sure how to describe it exactly, but I'll try... 

With all of the friends that I've had in the past (And with this I mean RL friends, not Online friends, okay?) I've always felt a little uncomfortable with them. I always felt like I had to watch what I was saying and what I was doing. I always felt like I was being judged, like they all looked down on me or something. I just felt like I wasn't needed, that I felt like an attachment that shouldn't be there. I felt so out of place, regardless of whichever friend(s) I was with. But with Scott and Kelsey... I feel like I can TRULY be myself. I don't have to be uncomfortable in my own skin when around them and I always feel immediately happy when around them. I think they are my true best friends. The first real ones I've ever had. I don't feel as if they're judging me, I don't feel like a third wheel, I just feel like they make me belong. I actually don't get nervous when we plan to hang out or anything and I've never had that before. Whenever I would plan to hang out with my past friends, I'd always get severely nervous and sometimes my stomach would get upset because of how anxious I felt. But with Scott and Kelsey, I don't get that feeling. I just get really happy and excited to see them. It kind of makes me understand the feeling that Charlie would experience whenever he was hanging out with his friends. That he was truly happy, that he felt infinite. (Charlie is from The Perks of Being a Wallflower) I still don't know if I explained it well enough. But I do love these guys. And I hope I don't ever lose them because I'm afraid of the kind of mood I might end up in if I do lose them. They're not fake, they're not judgemental. I don't feel like I'm constantly under scrutiny being with them. And I always had those feelings with past friends and I lost all but one of them whenever I came out as Trans, so that just goes to show how they weren't ever my friends at all. But Scott and Kelsey are and that makes me very happy.

In other news, I saw my doctor yesterday about my nose. He says I have sinusitis like my brother (who he constantly said was a nice boy and how we look very similar) And he said that I'm probably allergic to my pets and suggested that I "get rid" (He said it nicer) of them. And right away, I said no lol. Honestly, I'd rather suffer than give up my babies, especially Smokey. I've had her since I was 9, so I ain't getting rid of her now. You couldn't pay me enough to do that. So instead he said I should keep them out of my room... but I haven't really been doing that either... oops. I've been keeping the dog out if that counts .__. Although I feel like shit because he's stuck in the living room all by himself. So tomorrow, I will probably let him in while mum is at work. It's like denying your child attention when they're crying to have it, just to be in your company makes them content. So why would you tell them no? Especially if you love them? I know I wouldn't... Except at night lmao. No pets in my room when I'm trying to sleep haha. Put I am washing my hands more often and I should probably wash my bedding and vacuum more often as well. Yeah... Also, I almost died this morning. My doctor told me to get a nasal rinse thing to help clear my sinuses, and I used it this morning... I swear I was gonna drown omg. Basically you're squirting salt-water up one nostril until the water comes out on the OTHER SIDE A;LSDKJFASDNF;ASILDFJ. And then you repeat for the other nostril. The whole time I was like "OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD" It didn't hurt or anything, but it was just the most uncomfortable thing I ever experienced. And now I get to do it EVERY DAY YAY. Oh me... anyways...

Ahh... One other thing I want to mention because I'm still thinking about it.

On Sunday, before mum and I went for groceries, we went to fill up on gas and so I was just chillin' like a villain in the passenger seat and I happen to look up and see a guy that looks EXACTLY like Gary Lightbody, walk out of the gas station with a coffee and head to his car. My jaw dropped and I almost screamed. I seriously almost had a fanboy meltdown. For real I thought it was him. But I checked the Snow Patrol tour dates and it said they were in the States on the other side of the country, so.... It wasn't him. I was let down, but also glad because if it were him, then that meant that I missed him and couldn't get a hug and or autograph *A* So yeah... THERE'S THAT STORY. I'm such a weird person, I really am. I just love that man too much, regardless of his age difference. 

I think I'll leave this post at that. (So awkward D:)

If there's a rocket, tie me to it.

Yeah I do still enjoy using makeup from time to time, but unlike when I was female, now I just use it to fool around, experiment, and just have fun. I think I sort of went for a tribal look here. Not sure what the point was, I just kind of let the brush do as it pleased. It's 07.05 here right now and I have to try and type quietly since my Mum is getting ready for work and I should be sound asleep at the moment. I have a feeling I will get caught either way, but at least I don't have to go to the bathroom anymore; I sneaked downstairs and used the bathroom down there while Mum was in the shower. So I'm good for another bit! 

Anyway... I'm 19 as of last fredag. (Learning the "Danish days of the week"  I'm so slow orz) I never asked for anything so instead, on lørdag, Mum took me to the Calgary Zoo. When we first got there, it started to rain and hail like crazy! So we had to seek shelter under one of the buildings. The hail stones were just a bit smaller than a golf ball. After I think, twenty minutes, the rain went away and it was quite sunny for the rest of the day. We saw lots of animals and I could tell that Mum had lots of fun too. Even though it was my birthday, Mum hasn't been to the zoo in over twenty years- where I've been three times in the last couple of years I was in school. She was very excited when the weather turned nice, so I wanted to show her all the neat animals! In the end, we didn't get to see the elephants, the penguins, or the Canadian Wildlife section. We may go next weekend to see what we missed- depending on weather. But yeah, we were there for four hours and still didn't see everything! I would have liked to have seen the dinosaur section too, but Mum thinks it's boring, so I didn't bother asking. Besides, I've seen it before anyways!

Then on søndag, we travelled up to my Real Home- The Mountains!! We decided to go through Kootenay this time, since Mum and I really love that park- very beautiful~ We did a bit of hiking and just enjoyed the lovely smell of the trees and the pure majestic view of the Rocky Mountains. We also visited the beloved Simpson River. Not only is the view magnificent, but it shares the same last name as mine! I do love my last name- I'm sure I've mentioned that before haha. And we didn't arrive home until almost 21.00! Mum also said that we might be able to sneak a few more trips to the mountains before winter settles in. I love the mountains best in the winter, but it's very dangerous to travel there during that time, so I understand. I'm just thankful for the few trips I do get to travel home. I feel relaxed and calm just thinking about it. One day, if I do manage to get my Driver's Licence, I wish to put my Snow Patrol on repeat and just roam the mountain highways. Just to get lost with nature. Maybe go on a few hiking trips myself like I did in Newfoundland. Just to escape and let my true home envelop me in comfort. (Until I get eaten by bears hahahahahaha! Just kidding~)

Material wise, when I was at the zoo, I bought myself a large wolf hat (fake of course, no worries) It has really long ear flaps and at the bottom of them, they have little pockets to put my hands in. I absolutely adore hats in that style. I just wish it wasn't over $31 .___. I really need to watch my spending since I don't have a job or anything. It's just so easy to spend money with a bank card Dx  The other "material wise" thing I got for my birthday, which my Mum bought, was a really cool Dragon ornament. I believe he's perching on an old decaying building with pillars and he has his wings curved around this glass plate. Under the plate, there's this transparent red hollow cylinder with flames painted on it. Then inside the cylinder, there's a light and I can control the brightness with a dial. I hope I described it proper. I haven't admired it enough yet to remember it's details, but I can promise you that it is very lovely! The plate is supposed to be for that scented liquid stuff that makes the room smell nice once it's heated, but instead I've just put a bunch of shells from Newfoundland in it since the original container for them is really overflowing haha. 

On a new topic, lately I've been really itching to make a webcomic of some sorts. But I hardly have the creative juices for it! D: I want it to be a sort of yaoi/boylove comic, but not in the typical style of the Uke/Seme universe where it's all like Uke: "BAKA!! Get away from me!" Seme: "No I love you. Let me molest you some more" Then, Uke: "Omg turns out I loved him all along! I don't ever want to leave him!" Because, as funny as it is, it does get overplayed way too much lmao. I just wish I had the creativity to come up with something good! I'd like it to be kind of Final Fantasy-ish too. Their stories are always so.... so deep and heart-clinging y'know?

I guess I'll go for now since I've updated a lot recently.

This Isn't Everything You Are

My thumb looks broken. Wow. Hate my digits so much.

Really hating on everything today. Nothing is right. I feel horrible and sick. My mum has been coming at me and trying to get me to make another appointment with my psychologist. She thinks I need another medication increase. I think it's high enough, but alas, my mood is horrid. Sleeping has gotten bad again, my depression is increasing again, and my appetite has decreased. I'm honestly tired of seeing doctors. I'm seeing my councillor at least on the 30th. I don't know what to talk about though. I really don't. I'm not sure what's bothering me this time. Maybe the heat, but I can't do anything about that. If the weather is above 20 degrees then I begin to stop functioning properly. I get hot extremely easily and it makes me sick. I hate what my body has become. I can only hope that it improves at least a little bit once I do start hormones, which I wish was sooner than later. I just hope I can still refrain from cutting, but the urge is getting stronger and harder to battle.

I had a strange dream last night. I'm not sure what to make of it.

I dreamt I was one of my characters from the story I had typed up a year ago. He's the antagonist. A very tall man. It was weird being up that high from the ground lol. Basically, his goal his to capture the main character, who is a 16 year old girl. She was originally his mate from her past life, but she died and now he's trying to get her back because he needs to have a child with her. Once that child is of age, it will be the key to destroying the planet and enslaving the human and demon race and yadda yadda. OVER ALL BAD GUY, OKAY? Anyways... in the dream, I was this guy, but he was still controlling himself... I guess? I mean, I couldn't do anything with the body I was in, it was as if someone else was controlling it. But I'll just refer to him as myself so it doesn't get too confusing... I hope... So in the beginning, I had just walked into a bathroom and I silently closed the door behind me. It was a rather large bathroom and I was focused on the shower, which someone was in. I walked up to it and took off all my clothes. I sighed soundlessly and somehow got into the shower without making a noise. The girl was there, rinsing out her long blue-black hair. Suddenly I rushed forward and pinned her against the shower wall. She yelled out in surprise. I wrapped my arms around her quickly and started whispering in her ear. I don't remember what I said, but she stayed as still as she could. She was shaking under me. I could smell the fear emanating off of her as I leaned down and began kissing her back, her arms, all over her neck. I heard her breathing deepen and she started to lean into me. She was so small, so soft, so fragile. After a small while, she began to moan quietly and without warning, I whipped her around to face me. She was like a frightened animal, but her pupils were dilated with lust. I gripped onto her wrists and held her tightly against the shower wall again and forced my lips against hers. She fought a bit, but she was also aware of how much stronger I was than her.  My sex had grown hard already and I teased her own with it. As soon as I touched her, she gasped into my mouth and at that moment I felt like I had lost "control" over myself. I had to be inside her. I released her arms and picked her up, wrapping her legs around my waist. I smiled and rested my forehead against hers and whispered for her to put her arms around my neck. She obeyed and I kissed her gently. Afterwards I decided to enter her and she gasped loudly as she took my rather large size. 

After that I woke up. When I think about it, I smile, yet I feel embarrassed by it at the same time. It's so strange, I don't even know why I had that dream. I dream about that guy a lot too. For the past four days, I have had at least one dream with him in it. But he's a fictional character? He doesn't exist? And I've never been with anyone like him in my life either. But supposedly if you dream about a person constantly, that means they are real? Not sure what to think about that at all. Wish I knew how to make sense of this.

Anyways... Going to Newfoundland in a few weeks, I hope I can have a real good vacation, I hope I don't stress as much as I normally do about things. It's been three whole years since I've been there. After what Sarah did to me, I didn't want to go so much anymore, but my Nan and Pop are counting on me to be there, so I shall go regardless. Just hope I don't see that twit or else the vacation will be ruined. I also hope I can finish my math on time. I have been neglecting it again due to lack of focus. I really need to sit down and work on it again like I did that while ago. I've moved back into my room so it will be quiet. That should help me I hope. Not looking forward to my final. I dread that, I really do.

I began reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower again today. I love this book so much. It is kind of helping my mood as well, so I should read it whenever I can. Just not in one day again, or else my mother will get mad- which is understandable. 

Snow Patrol has released their North American tour dates too. They're going to Calgary. If only I had someone to go with. No one I know likes Snow Patrol. It's kind of saddening because they mean so much to me. Especially Gary. He's really my favorite person in the entire world and I hope no one reading this will be offended by that, but I just want to tell the truth. He is #1 in my book, he really is. 

I wish I could meet him, just have a hug and say thank you. Simple as that. Nothing fancy. Oh if only if only. 

I wish I was healthy already.