He Who Laughs Last

I should be working on my Social Studies, but I think it can wait long enough for me to update since I do so very rarely. 
I'm coming up to my third month on Testosterone and everything is quite good. I began using a clay mask every day and night for my face and... well it's not getting any better, but it's not getting any worse either, so I suppose that's alright by me lol.  So now the only thing that really irks me is my vocal chords. They're increasingly weaker since my voice is forever changing, but maybe once my voice levels out, I'll start vocal exercises to strengthen it again.  Apparently I'm at the point where I sound different on the phone, which I'm super happy about.
I haven't talked to my Father in a very long time and he phoned me last week on my mobile- it was pretty funny, I must say. It went a little something like:
"Hello?"
"....Hello.... Is Selina there?"
"Speaking."
".............What!?!?!"
"Yeah."
"Jeeze, you sound worse than I do!!"
I thought it was hilarious haha. But we talked for a while and updated on everything. He's still shocked over the whole "Transgender thing" but he says that he's still accepting no matter what.
It's just that Mum and Dad always wanted a little girl and I was kinda the whole "miracle child" because of Mum's health complications and then later on, I turn around and come out as Trans. So yeah.... But like I said, he accepts me and still loves me no matter what, so that's all that really matters to me C:  Regardless I'm sort of mad with him right now because he filed an affidavit on my Mother.  Mum said I'm not allowed to have an opinion on it because it is strictly between her and him, but I can't help myself you know? I mean, it's really understandable in why he filed it. He over payed on child support for Nick and I because Mum didn't cancel it when we turned 18, but I remember him saying that he would never make a fuss about it because we are his kids and he knows that the money is going towards helping Nick and I. Mum isn't abusing it, she never has, and after I explained that to Dad, he said that he wouldn't do anything about it. But now all of a sudden he's turned around and is suing Mum. So in short, I feel betrayed, but to be honest, I think he's doing it because he doesn't really have any money and he needs to pay bills and such. Despite that I'm still kind of mad, but I don't love him any less. At this point, I'm sort of just waiting for a phone call that he's in the hospital or that he's passed on because of his health and so I don't want to be mad at him. The thing that really annoys me though is that his OWN SISTER, is charging him SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS A MONTH for RENT. And Dad is only getting $800 for disability. I could never do that to my own brother(s). Never ever. And my Aunt and Uncle have their house paid off, so that's just money in their pocket.  My Uncle is retired so he gets pension or whichever it's called and my Aunt still works... So simply put, I'm not particularly impressed with those two....
Eh... A lot of negative things are happening this month and it keeps piling up and it's terrible.  The only good thing is that I am done my diploma exams and I will only have to write one more final at the end of August. 
But that's the only good thing. 

I won't go into TOO much detail right now because then this entry would be a mile long no doubt, but in total:
-I have 8 courses to finish before the end of August.
-Dad has filed this Affidavit thing
-We're going bankrupt
-We're going to have to start selling our things
-Mum can hardly pay the bills
-Groceries are difficult to come by because of lack of money
-We might have to sell the house and move into an extremely small mobile home
-If we keep the house, we'll be kicked onto the street in less than a year
-My counsin Micheal is in the hospital because he's suicidal   
And a lot of other minor things I won't bother to mention. But I'm quite reasonably stressed about all of this. And I'm stuck here at home letting it all bottle up because I can't do anything about it.

Life is really getting hard and all I can do is complain about it because I can't fix anything...

And the tears come streaming down your face.

Not quite sure why my last post is all wonky like that with the white background that shouldn't be there. I guess that's what I get for copying and pasting from my iPhone  Oh well, the point was still made. Lately I've been listening to Fix You by Coldplay. It's very relaxing and also emotional at the same time. Today hasn't been a good day. I've only gotten one hour of sleep, which was at 11.00-12.00 basically. It wasn't a total loss because I was able to start on rewriting my story. I didn't get too far because my brain refuses to work on lack of sleep, but I got something down. I didn't really do any school work today either. Just copied an answer I had made the night before into my module book. All day I've been nauseous, shaky, and anxious. I kind of feel like I might have a panic attack, but I don't think I will. I also feel like I might vomit everywhere, but I doubt that's going to happen either. I got another lesson from my cousin today. It was just full of hypocracy (is that a word?) and insults. It surprisingly didn't upset me, it made me laugh a lot because you could tell she was throwing whatever she could think of at me. She mentioned that it would have hurt her more if I had sent everything she had given to me back to her, so I made the package today. I told her before that I was going to throw it out, but I instead changed my mind to sell it on eBay  Today I changed my mind again and put everything in a shoebox for her lol. I also took all of the photos of her that I had gotten over the years and mum had taken while we visited Newfoundland and placed them in the shoebox too. There's probably around a hundred in there. Mostly because mum gets doubles of everything whenever she used to use film. I also got my shirt back from my ex today. I was kinda expecting more than just the shirt, but it's no problem. Not gonna hate her over it. xD As long as she's happy with it. I just hope she treats her next partner with more loyalty. Like I said previous, I was really shocked that she had kissed another guy. I expected I was gonna screw up. I mean I already had so many times, yet she still stayed by me. And I mentioned these things before so I will leave it at that. Now I just feel like I don't have any strings holding me back anymore. My cousin and my ex played a huge part in those strings, but now they've been cut and a weight has been lifted. I'm going to listen to Damien again and say, you know, if I want to be on my own, then so be it. My mum is an independent person and she raised me that way and I'm more than glad for it. So I'll see it as a positive instead of a negative. Thank you again Damien for the advice. ^^ I kinda see you as a mentor even though you're only a few months older than me, but I'm glad I have you there for support with these sorts of things.

All day I've felt really emotional and I think it might be because of my womanhood because it always screws around with my feelings. I just feel like crying really intensely and my heart keeps trying to sink and make me think bad thoughts. I think I might do a little crying later when everyone is in bed, just to conceal things a bit. I don't have a problem, my emotions just need a little exercise, so I need to let them off the leash for a little while. So it will be okay. And beforehand, I'll hide any sharp objects and my pills in order to avoid any bad situations. I get to see Wendy on mandag, so I may talk about this. Well I'll at least try to because it is an important thing to discuss. Even though I've seen Wendy for so long already, I still feel uncomfortable talking about such personal things. I never have with anybody. Well I did to a degree, but not the full brink of what coalesces within my head. But I probably should try to do so soon. Hopefully my mind will settle down after a good rest and after my hormones taper off again. 
Really wish I could be on testosterone right now. I'm almost starting to want it more than the surgeries- which is a good thing in order to get support here in Alberta. Which is dumb as cow poo, but whatever. Right now I'm just in a mix between laughing and being pissed off at my cousin because of what she said in the letter, since I'm thinking about it as I'm typing. It grinds my gears because she was such a nice girl and I really trusted her and then she turns around and hates me completely since I'm Transgender. She thinks I'm lying to myself and that I'm not actually Trans... I think I know myself better than her thank you haha. She said she didn't want anymore letters, she would just tear them up otherwise, so I wrote on the shoebox various things that I was sorry for. Sorry for being her friend, for her being uneducated, for having to keep her whole personal and sexual life a secret from her family, for her always lying and not having a job. For me supposedly wasting 8 years of her life, I said it in a way that made it really be a waste for her and not me. Sorry for trusting her, for looking to her for support, to look to her for protection. The last thing I said was sorry for loving her. Maybe that will get it threw her head what she did. She's blaming everything on me, but from what I've told my family, they only see her in the wrong. So... I should be right then, yes? She says I'm a self-centred, drama queen who only cares about myself... I don't see that at all. I really don't. I've always tried to put people ahead of me when I could. And not to sound spiteful, but she's the one with over 300+ pictures of just herself on Facebook and tagged. I have less than 100 total. So I don't really see how that makes me self-centred. She also called out on me saying that being in an online relationship is always fake, you can never love a person, and yet she's in a relationship on tagged with a girl she's never met before. A girl that seems really shady just from my speculations. Can't really tell much by her status's and the friends she has on her profile. You kinda can, but not quite y'know? What makes me mad about it is she said I can't have an online relationship, yet she's allowed to. She's allowed to post literally hundreds of pictures of herself and be insecure, while I don't even have half that and I'm supposedly conceited? Why would I hate myself so much if I'm supposedly so in love with myself? Does that make sense? It doesn't to me. 
Oh well, my fumes will calm down in a day or two and I'll be fine. I also told her that since she says I'm no longer family, that I didn't need pictures of a weird stranger in my photo albums. That's why I sent all the pictures. Kinda hope it makes her think. I don't want her to be upset, I just want her to use that small brain of hers for once. She said everyone is on her side about this, but honestly, that's not what everyone has told me. I think she's very alone and she's trying to insult me and put me down because she really will be alone. (Okay that makes me sound conceited, but let me explain) Her family doesn't support her in any way at all and they are quite more. They're very old fashioned (Which is the Newfie way) And her mother is very spiteful towards her children. If her children try to stand up against her in any way, she shows them the door and throws all their things outside. To me that's not how a mother should be. I was raised very differently and so I tried my best to support Sarah and try to help her in any way I could, offer advice when I could think of something to say. It still haunts me- the quad accident I caused where I almost killed us. I went straight to her and refused to be on a quad ever since. Is that not caring? I always thought it was. 

I think I'm done venting for now. I wish I'd update more often.

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try 

To fix you.