I swerve out of control

Yeah, my hair is long enough for my cat ears again! Not that you can really see them haha. And I've dyed my hair black again. It feels good to be back home haha. Black feels more natural to have than my actual brown hair. Just feels like it suits me more. Lately... I'm not quite sure what my "problem" is. It might be a flu that I can't seem to get rid of. I keep sneezing, sometimes my throat is sore, and all I seem to want to do is sleep. I'll go to bed at 21.00 and won't get up until 16.00 the next day. It's crazy. But because of that, I haven't even been looking at my school work, not even my abnormal psychology- which I love. So I don't think my councillor will be too happy about that come Monday when I see her again. I can't believe it's 2013 already. I'm going to be 20 this year. I can't wrap my head around that either. I guess it's because I never thought I was going to reach this age. Always pretending that I'd reach 18 and stop there. If only, hey? To be honest, I don't have much else to write about. This is basically all that's been happening to me recently. I've gotten into drawing a bit again, so that's a good sign. To be doing a habit I used to do all the time. 

I've noticed that I actually feel more comfortable with having my picture taken. I'm not so self-conscious about the way I look. "Oh am I pretty enough?" "Is my skin okay?" "What about my hair?"

Now I'm just, "Look at the camera and smile, Sora!" And I think my pictures look great too. Even the ones I don't take. There's one that my mum took at xmas and I love it, even though my complexion was really bad haha. Speaking of which, my skin has finally improved a lot. I bought a new cleanser- Neutrogena- and it works awesomely. I gotta use it twice a day every day though. If I don't, then more acne shows up the next day .__. 

I think for now I'm going to let my hair grow out, mostly in the back, kind of like how you usually see the members in visual kei and oshare kei bands... kinda like a mullet... I guess... Just not like a redneck D: I miss dressing similar to those Japanese styles. I never went all out because of lack of money and resources lol. But just because I'm a guy now, doesn't mean I have to stop that, right? Right. I just want to watch that I don't look too feminine. And besides, it's the males who pull off the style the best! >:D So why not, if I miss it? I'm not gonna get into the excessive eye liner, etc, though. I still wanna look a bit masculine, yeah?

I don't think Scott's idea of me moving in with him is gonna happen. A little let down about that, but not the end of the world. I don't mind, honestly. I'd be too much of a mooch anyways haha. 

Well, without further adieu, I bid you all good night~

And love always.

Hush, hush.

Right now I am listening to an old Rock Classic cassette that I'm playing through my computer speakers. A lot of good memories happened with this tape and I plan to cherish it forever. I think I'm gonna have to look up a new cassette player on the internet sometime though because I'd say this one has just about had it. It cuts out constantly, especially if I move the desk whenever I type. I have a player in my truck, but there's a tape jammed in there and I tried for an hour trying to get it out and I never could. Even if I did, the player probably wouldn't work anyhow. I miss having cassettes and vhs tapes. I think they were the best really. Way better than this disk shit we have. (Although I have hundreds of dvds and cds xD) But I wish they had just stayed at vhs and cassettes. That would have been the best in my opinion. I think I might have to try and download the songs on this tape and upload them to iTunes and make a playlist like the tape, just to keep the memories going with these tracks. I've driven many miles with this tape. Hundreds of kilometres. It's so strange to think how a certain song can trigger different memories. Even scents and tastes. Weird how our mind works that way.

I tried posting from my iPhone last night, but Apple doesn't support Blogspot any more, so I guess I can't do that. It sucks because I was thinking about a lot of different things last night. Lately I haven't been talking to anyone at all. I just haven't been in the mood to converse with anyone. It's terrible because I know I'm hurting people by basically ignoring them. I'm not sure what my mind is up to this time. I always tend to have moments like these, they sprout out of nowhere and I just want to be by myself at all times and have no one around me or near me. I didn't feel that way when my old friend, Jace came by though. It was really nice to see him and I'm glad he still considers me as his friend when all the others shunned me after I came out. Today I don't feel good though. My stomach has been all hot and bothered and is constantly hurting. I didn't even eat anything that I shouldn't have! I didn't even cheat or sneak a cookie or anything! So why is my stomach bothering me today? It ruined my plans too because I had asked mum to take me to the mountains today- weather permitting- and my stomach had to be a jerk- like usual. The weather sucks today anyways, so I guess it doesn't matter. But I wanted to go there one more time before winter settled in since mum doesn't want to drive up there during that time. If only we lived closer at least. I also wish Danmark was closer too .__. Been really craving to visit there! One day I will, I'll try to at least. Just to visit and experience the culture and buy things and explore and all those good tourism things lol. I saw a video recently on Youtube about how popular bicycles are there. They showed this type of cycle that had a little carriage sort of thing in the front which was supported on two wheels and then you just have the one regular wheel in the back of the cycle. Kind of like a backwards tricycle? And that some people have them instead of cars since cars are RIDICULOUSLY expensive there. Gas too! And we Canadians complain about the gas... But anyways- I'd rather have a cycle like that instead of a car. That would be great! If only we had cycle lanes here like they do in København D: I bet if North America treated cyclists the way they do in København, we'd be able to reduce car emissions by a lot. Our planet would be a little greener, especially if they spread that mindset to the world! Just imagine... Oh silly me, ranting on about such things LOL. Hot damn am I ever boring. I just care about Earth I suppose. That's why I want to plant trees and clean up garbage from the forests and mountains so badly. Even the cities. If only I had power so I could encourage such things. I know I won't ever strive for that kind of title. But sometimes I wish I could have my ideas heard. Just sometimes. Lol. 

The other day, I had gone to the bank with my mum. That day I dressed up kinda girly. I wore make up and torn up women's skinny jeans. I just felt like it that day. And sometimes I miss wearing makeup and painting my nails. When mum and I were driving back she asked what was with "The girly geddup" I frowned and told her that I just felt like it because I sometimes missed makeup and stuff. I then proceeded to tell her how I kinda want to be like Jeffree Star and how he wears makeup and sometimes girly things. (Then I had to show her and explain to her who Jeffree Star was lol) She said "Oh... okay...." and that was that. I knew there was something behind what she asked, but she never said anything else. Not until last night that is. Last night she came in my room and said she wanted to ask me about something. I said "uh kay..." And she blurted out "Where you sexually abused when you were younger?"  I'm like wtf... She thinks it could be a link as to why I hate my body. That may be it for some girls, but 9 times out of 10, they still want to be girls. Also, that has nothing to do with why I want to be a male. When she comes up with stuff like that, it really pisses me off because it just proves to me that she still hasn't excepted that I'm Trans and that she still wants me to be a girl. I didn't sleep well last night because I was fuming over that for hours. It seriously makes me mad. Yes I was sexually abused when I was younger. No I'm not telling her and no I'm not traumatized by it, nor is it fuel as to why I am transitioning into being a male. I had to control my anger so much when she was in the room with her and I had to convince her for half an hour- maybe longer- that that had nothing to do with me being Trans. She then said "Well maybe you're gay." (As in Lesbian) That was another button that shouldn't have been pressed. I wanted to yell at her so badly. Because I'm not a Lesbian. I am a Male and I am Pansexual. I've told her that many times, but she still doesn't get it. She still calls me Selina. Still calls me female and she and girl. 
At this point, it starts to piss me off when I'm referred to as my old female self. That self is gone. It is no more. And no matter how many times I tell her and discuss this with her, it still doesn't sink in. Not with any of them really. Just Jace. And I am very thankful for him. I wish the rest of my family was like him in that way.
I know I said this in the last entry, but I just wish I could start transitioning already. Maybe then it would sink in for them. Maybe then I can truly be Sora.

If there's a rocket, tie me to it.

Yeah I do still enjoy using makeup from time to time, but unlike when I was female, now I just use it to fool around, experiment, and just have fun. I think I sort of went for a tribal look here. Not sure what the point was, I just kind of let the brush do as it pleased. It's 07.05 here right now and I have to try and type quietly since my Mum is getting ready for work and I should be sound asleep at the moment. I have a feeling I will get caught either way, but at least I don't have to go to the bathroom anymore; I sneaked downstairs and used the bathroom down there while Mum was in the shower. So I'm good for another bit! 

Anyway... I'm 19 as of last fredag. (Learning the "Danish days of the week"  I'm so slow orz) I never asked for anything so instead, on lørdag, Mum took me to the Calgary Zoo. When we first got there, it started to rain and hail like crazy! So we had to seek shelter under one of the buildings. The hail stones were just a bit smaller than a golf ball. After I think, twenty minutes, the rain went away and it was quite sunny for the rest of the day. We saw lots of animals and I could tell that Mum had lots of fun too. Even though it was my birthday, Mum hasn't been to the zoo in over twenty years- where I've been three times in the last couple of years I was in school. She was very excited when the weather turned nice, so I wanted to show her all the neat animals! In the end, we didn't get to see the elephants, the penguins, or the Canadian Wildlife section. We may go next weekend to see what we missed- depending on weather. But yeah, we were there for four hours and still didn't see everything! I would have liked to have seen the dinosaur section too, but Mum thinks it's boring, so I didn't bother asking. Besides, I've seen it before anyways!

Then on søndag, we travelled up to my Real Home- The Mountains!! We decided to go through Kootenay this time, since Mum and I really love that park- very beautiful~ We did a bit of hiking and just enjoyed the lovely smell of the trees and the pure majestic view of the Rocky Mountains. We also visited the beloved Simpson River. Not only is the view magnificent, but it shares the same last name as mine! I do love my last name- I'm sure I've mentioned that before haha. And we didn't arrive home until almost 21.00! Mum also said that we might be able to sneak a few more trips to the mountains before winter settles in. I love the mountains best in the winter, but it's very dangerous to travel there during that time, so I understand. I'm just thankful for the few trips I do get to travel home. I feel relaxed and calm just thinking about it. One day, if I do manage to get my Driver's Licence, I wish to put my Snow Patrol on repeat and just roam the mountain highways. Just to get lost with nature. Maybe go on a few hiking trips myself like I did in Newfoundland. Just to escape and let my true home envelop me in comfort. (Until I get eaten by bears hahahahahaha! Just kidding~)

Material wise, when I was at the zoo, I bought myself a large wolf hat (fake of course, no worries) It has really long ear flaps and at the bottom of them, they have little pockets to put my hands in. I absolutely adore hats in that style. I just wish it wasn't over $31 .___. I really need to watch my spending since I don't have a job or anything. It's just so easy to spend money with a bank card Dx  The other "material wise" thing I got for my birthday, which my Mum bought, was a really cool Dragon ornament. I believe he's perching on an old decaying building with pillars and he has his wings curved around this glass plate. Under the plate, there's this transparent red hollow cylinder with flames painted on it. Then inside the cylinder, there's a light and I can control the brightness with a dial. I hope I described it proper. I haven't admired it enough yet to remember it's details, but I can promise you that it is very lovely! The plate is supposed to be for that scented liquid stuff that makes the room smell nice once it's heated, but instead I've just put a bunch of shells from Newfoundland in it since the original container for them is really overflowing haha. 

On a new topic, lately I've been really itching to make a webcomic of some sorts. But I hardly have the creative juices for it! D: I want it to be a sort of yaoi/boylove comic, but not in the typical style of the Uke/Seme universe where it's all like Uke: "BAKA!! Get away from me!" Seme: "No I love you. Let me molest you some more" Then, Uke: "Omg turns out I loved him all along! I don't ever want to leave him!" Because, as funny as it is, it does get overplayed way too much lmao. I just wish I had the creativity to come up with something good! I'd like it to be kind of Final Fantasy-ish too. Their stories are always so.... so deep and heart-clinging y'know?

I guess I'll go for now since I've updated a lot recently.