Of distant car horns...

Not quite sure what to post for a photo, so here have a recent drawing of mine. I've come a long way from when I first started taking drawing seriously and forming it into a hobby of mine. I can't draw on paper worth shit anymore though. 

This post will probably be completely full with negativity, so be warned.

All my thoughts have been negative lately, I can't come to bring myself out of it. Everything seems to not be going well and as soon as it turns to a brighter corner, it all collapses again. I just want to hurt and starve and destroy myself. I'm so tired.

I hate my body so much, I just want this weight to go away. But no matter what I do, it just stays the same or I gain more. What else should I do?
To get these bags ridden of? The unwanted and excessities that shouldn't be there. I want to see my bones.

I've heard of middle-child syndrome, do they have a youngest-child syndrome too? Where the first born is the most perfect creation your parents have ever made and the youngest will never ever be able to live up to those expectations, no matter how hard they try? 

If there is such a thing, I think I have it. But I think I cause it more so than my family does. I am my worst enemy, I'll admit it. I got my report card today and I suppose I'm really sensitive over my marks. 80's in Psychology and Forensics, but only 65 in Mathematics. Mum praised me for the first two, but I got pissed because it's nothing to be happy over really. The Math says otherwise. My marks aren't something to be happy over. Psychology and Forensics don't mean anything in the real world. All they focus on are the 4 cores. That's why they're called "core" because that's what you need in order to expand and make anything of yourself. That's why the other classes are called "extras" They don't mean anything but points in order for you to graduate. It's not fair really, people say I'm smart and brilliant, but when you look at the marks, they say otherwise. I'm not smart. I'm not brilliant. I am definitely not above average. It's all lies. It won't all be okay. It won't be alright. It just won't. The world isn't kind to the ill-minded. If you're stupid, you're going to be poor and not be able to make ends meet and you're just going to die an old, lonely, miserable soul. 

That's reality.

That's what people are so afraid of.
That's what they try to lie about. To hide the truth from us and say, "hey if you try hard, you can do it. If you give it your best, that's all that matters"
Except that's not how life works.
You can try and try all you bloody well want, but if you don't meet the standards or the expectations, you're rotten meat. You're a bag. You're a waste of space, skin, and existence.

And that's all I am. I'm not as smart as Nick. I'm not as resourceful as Matt. I'm not a hard worker like Mum or Dad. 
I'm none of that.
And no matter how hard I try, no matter if I give it my best shot. I'll never live up to those expectations. I'll never make it. I'll never achieve anything. 

I'm sorry but no one can tell me different. No one can sugar coat it for me and say that things will get better or improve. No one can tell me that I'm not trying hard enough. 
They don't know the pain I've gone through in order to just get this far. 
How much I've struggled, how much I've hurt, how much I've been yelled at.
Nor will I say the details in which this happened to me.
I don't want pity. I don't want sympathy.
I just want to go away now.

But I can't even do that.

Did I have it and lose it?

S'cuse me while I stuff my face with rice. I still haven't been feeling that great lately. Still have a cold, plus womanhood revealed itself on Monday so now I have to deal with that too. Really wish I could have my testosterone already. But I have a few months to wait yet.

I'm single once again. That didn't last long did it? Megan...  I'm not sure how to explain it really. Recently she's been hanging out with a drug addict- I'm wondering if she's been taking drugs with him too. Her behaviour has been really sporadic and dangerous. She was constantly threatening Scott and Kelsey and everyone at her work was terrified of her. Kelsey  was afraid to be alone with Megan. So Scott had no choice but to kick her out. She... seriously stated that she wanted to kill a cat and wanted to go dig up a baby's grave... all for cigarettes. She won't let Scott take her to the ward in Medicine Hat or Calgary because she thinks she's completely fine. She's also been frolicking around with this Matthew guy she's known for a long time. She might have some actual STD's as well... So I'm very glad that our relationship didn't become sexual. That could have been a real mess. So she's forgotten all about me, so I suppose I'm "off the hook" so to speak. After a while it didn't really feel like we were in a relationship anymore anyways. I knew something was up when I began to feel that. I always get strange feelings about this sort of thing when my relationship with someone is suddenly about to end.

Too be honest, I kind of miss Danielle. She was always easy to talk to, I felt like I genuinely cared about her. I actually didn't mind calling her "babe" or any other pet name and I enjoyed our conversations when I was upset. What I liked most was making her feel like someone cared for her. She didn't think she was capable of having someone actually love her, but I did. At the time I suppose. I always end up missing the person who hurts me. I still miss the other one. I hate going to Medicine Hat in fear of seeing him... But I don't really want to talk about him. When stuff like this happens, I don't actually feel hurt, like I should cry or feel sad. I don't feel that, but I say they hurt me because I know a normal person would be upset over it. That it should hurt, even though it doesn't. Maybe I have a problem with my feelings when it comes to other people... Who knows.

Mum had me weigh myself the other day and I didn't show it, but I was very terrified. The scale said I was 45kgs... I have never been that heavy in my life. I couldn't bring myself to really eat for a few days after that. I weighed myself yesterday and it said I was 44kgs, so I do feel better about that. It's just I shouldn't feel that way though. I should have been happy seeing that 45 on the scale. I feel happy when I can see my bones. I love seeing the scars on my body and I wish I had more. I'm not terribly underweight for my size, but I wish I was. And that's not right. Do I enjoy being sick? Do I like being unhealthy? Do I want to hurt myself? I'm starting to wonder.

My head is in such a mess.

Never Good.

So I've done it again. I fucked up. I made another huge mistake. This is why I don't want to be here anymore. My poor mother. All I do is upset her and make her suffer. Everything I do is wrong. If I stay at home, she's mad because I never go out. If I go out with friends, she's mad because I'm not home. I sit on my ass all day. I'm not allowed to get sick. I got my period today, so I've been bed ridden from cramps and now mum is mad at me because I didn't do what she asked. I am really sorry. No I am not being sarcastic. I just wish I could do something right for once. I just wish I could make you happy. I wish I could do something right for once. I tried offering help earlier but she just said "No, I can do it, you go to your room and rest." Talk about a real guilt trip huh. Why can't I be a good son. Why do I never fear the consequences until they happen. Why do I not care until it's too late. Making the both of us miserable. Why doesn't mum treat Nick and Matt this way? I guess because I'm the youngest and I'm not healthy. At least Matt is supporting himself. Nick finished school and went to college. I've done nothing but hurt Mum. Cause her pain, have her miss work, waste her money on pills and such just for me. I'm not even the little girl that she always wanted. I had to fuck that up too. 

In the midst of things, I still have to buy everyone presents and I've picked up smoking again. Maybe I'll be lucky and get cancer so I can die sooner. I also have a feeling that my self-harming activities may come back. I need to be punished somehow. Being yelled at or ignored completely just isn't enough. 

And the tears come streaming down your face.

Not quite sure why my last post is all wonky like that with the white background that shouldn't be there. I guess that's what I get for copying and pasting from my iPhone  Oh well, the point was still made. Lately I've been listening to Fix You by Coldplay. It's very relaxing and also emotional at the same time. Today hasn't been a good day. I've only gotten one hour of sleep, which was at 11.00-12.00 basically. It wasn't a total loss because I was able to start on rewriting my story. I didn't get too far because my brain refuses to work on lack of sleep, but I got something down. I didn't really do any school work today either. Just copied an answer I had made the night before into my module book. All day I've been nauseous, shaky, and anxious. I kind of feel like I might have a panic attack, but I don't think I will. I also feel like I might vomit everywhere, but I doubt that's going to happen either. I got another lesson from my cousin today. It was just full of hypocracy (is that a word?) and insults. It surprisingly didn't upset me, it made me laugh a lot because you could tell she was throwing whatever she could think of at me. She mentioned that it would have hurt her more if I had sent everything she had given to me back to her, so I made the package today. I told her before that I was going to throw it out, but I instead changed my mind to sell it on eBay  Today I changed my mind again and put everything in a shoebox for her lol. I also took all of the photos of her that I had gotten over the years and mum had taken while we visited Newfoundland and placed them in the shoebox too. There's probably around a hundred in there. Mostly because mum gets doubles of everything whenever she used to use film. I also got my shirt back from my ex today. I was kinda expecting more than just the shirt, but it's no problem. Not gonna hate her over it. xD As long as she's happy with it. I just hope she treats her next partner with more loyalty. Like I said previous, I was really shocked that she had kissed another guy. I expected I was gonna screw up. I mean I already had so many times, yet she still stayed by me. And I mentioned these things before so I will leave it at that. Now I just feel like I don't have any strings holding me back anymore. My cousin and my ex played a huge part in those strings, but now they've been cut and a weight has been lifted. I'm going to listen to Damien again and say, you know, if I want to be on my own, then so be it. My mum is an independent person and she raised me that way and I'm more than glad for it. So I'll see it as a positive instead of a negative. Thank you again Damien for the advice. ^^ I kinda see you as a mentor even though you're only a few months older than me, but I'm glad I have you there for support with these sorts of things.

All day I've felt really emotional and I think it might be because of my womanhood because it always screws around with my feelings. I just feel like crying really intensely and my heart keeps trying to sink and make me think bad thoughts. I think I might do a little crying later when everyone is in bed, just to conceal things a bit. I don't have a problem, my emotions just need a little exercise, so I need to let them off the leash for a little while. So it will be okay. And beforehand, I'll hide any sharp objects and my pills in order to avoid any bad situations. I get to see Wendy on mandag, so I may talk about this. Well I'll at least try to because it is an important thing to discuss. Even though I've seen Wendy for so long already, I still feel uncomfortable talking about such personal things. I never have with anybody. Well I did to a degree, but not the full brink of what coalesces within my head. But I probably should try to do so soon. Hopefully my mind will settle down after a good rest and after my hormones taper off again. 
Really wish I could be on testosterone right now. I'm almost starting to want it more than the surgeries- which is a good thing in order to get support here in Alberta. Which is dumb as cow poo, but whatever. Right now I'm just in a mix between laughing and being pissed off at my cousin because of what she said in the letter, since I'm thinking about it as I'm typing. It grinds my gears because she was such a nice girl and I really trusted her and then she turns around and hates me completely since I'm Transgender. She thinks I'm lying to myself and that I'm not actually Trans... I think I know myself better than her thank you haha. She said she didn't want anymore letters, she would just tear them up otherwise, so I wrote on the shoebox various things that I was sorry for. Sorry for being her friend, for her being uneducated, for having to keep her whole personal and sexual life a secret from her family, for her always lying and not having a job. For me supposedly wasting 8 years of her life, I said it in a way that made it really be a waste for her and not me. Sorry for trusting her, for looking to her for support, to look to her for protection. The last thing I said was sorry for loving her. Maybe that will get it threw her head what she did. She's blaming everything on me, but from what I've told my family, they only see her in the wrong. So... I should be right then, yes? She says I'm a self-centred, drama queen who only cares about myself... I don't see that at all. I really don't. I've always tried to put people ahead of me when I could. And not to sound spiteful, but she's the one with over 300+ pictures of just herself on Facebook and tagged. I have less than 100 total. So I don't really see how that makes me self-centred. She also called out on me saying that being in an online relationship is always fake, you can never love a person, and yet she's in a relationship on tagged with a girl she's never met before. A girl that seems really shady just from my speculations. Can't really tell much by her status's and the friends she has on her profile. You kinda can, but not quite y'know? What makes me mad about it is she said I can't have an online relationship, yet she's allowed to. She's allowed to post literally hundreds of pictures of herself and be insecure, while I don't even have half that and I'm supposedly conceited? Why would I hate myself so much if I'm supposedly so in love with myself? Does that make sense? It doesn't to me. 
Oh well, my fumes will calm down in a day or two and I'll be fine. I also told her that since she says I'm no longer family, that I didn't need pictures of a weird stranger in my photo albums. That's why I sent all the pictures. Kinda hope it makes her think. I don't want her to be upset, I just want her to use that small brain of hers for once. She said everyone is on her side about this, but honestly, that's not what everyone has told me. I think she's very alone and she's trying to insult me and put me down because she really will be alone. (Okay that makes me sound conceited, but let me explain) Her family doesn't support her in any way at all and they are quite more. They're very old fashioned (Which is the Newfie way) And her mother is very spiteful towards her children. If her children try to stand up against her in any way, she shows them the door and throws all their things outside. To me that's not how a mother should be. I was raised very differently and so I tried my best to support Sarah and try to help her in any way I could, offer advice when I could think of something to say. It still haunts me- the quad accident I caused where I almost killed us. I went straight to her and refused to be on a quad ever since. Is that not caring? I always thought it was. 

I think I'm done venting for now. I wish I'd update more often.

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try 

To fix you.

Are you sure what side you're on?

I'm feeling really sick right now. I want to vomit. I want to spew all of my guts out of my body. I want to cleanse myself. 

I feel so out of it. Severely dizzy and my ears are ringing. I feel as if on the brink of a full-blown panic attack. I don't even know what brought this on. It just happened all of a sudden. Just out of nowhere. My brain can't focus. My thoughts are going everywhere. I guess it doesn't matter that I still long for that man that I cannot have. The one I look up to and yearn for at the same time. The one that doesn't exist except in my self conscious. I've been dreaming a lot about him since the breakup too. It's kind of strange that my mind would do such a thing. It only hurts more when I wake up because I know he's not there. I wish I knew what to do with myself. I want to just go away from here. I want to live in solitude. The ringing is getting louder and I'm shaking. I want to sleep but my brain won't let me and my hands are going numb. Why can't I just sleep everything away? At least for the night. Just to sleep the whole night away and wake up at a decent time in the morning without harshly forcing myself to wake up. 

I'm feeling a smidge better while writing this down. I feel a little calmer except I keep thinking about things that sets off my anxiety and that pushes everything out of perspective again. I need sleep. Good long sleep. I've been craving to cut again but I'm trying to keep everything under control. Just think of different things Sora. Maybe put on some music while you're at it. There's this song by Gary Jules that I like to listen to when I'm in a mood like this and also by Nine Inch Nails. The first one is called Mad World and the second is called Right Where It Belongs. They both just give me this strange atmospheric feeling. Like I'm not actually here. I'm only existing and thinking. That's it. Kind of like I'm floating invisibly in the air. I think a lot about random things to these songs. Sometimes I go into a sort of... Trance I suppose. My mind wanders and time loses meaning for a while. Sometimes I like that feeling. Other times it scares me. So strange how our mind functions. I should sleep now. I'll listen to some music. 

This Isn't Everything You Are

My thumb looks broken. Wow. Hate my digits so much.

Really hating on everything today. Nothing is right. I feel horrible and sick. My mum has been coming at me and trying to get me to make another appointment with my psychologist. She thinks I need another medication increase. I think it's high enough, but alas, my mood is horrid. Sleeping has gotten bad again, my depression is increasing again, and my appetite has decreased. I'm honestly tired of seeing doctors. I'm seeing my councillor at least on the 30th. I don't know what to talk about though. I really don't. I'm not sure what's bothering me this time. Maybe the heat, but I can't do anything about that. If the weather is above 20 degrees then I begin to stop functioning properly. I get hot extremely easily and it makes me sick. I hate what my body has become. I can only hope that it improves at least a little bit once I do start hormones, which I wish was sooner than later. I just hope I can still refrain from cutting, but the urge is getting stronger and harder to battle.

I had a strange dream last night. I'm not sure what to make of it.

I dreamt I was one of my characters from the story I had typed up a year ago. He's the antagonist. A very tall man. It was weird being up that high from the ground lol. Basically, his goal his to capture the main character, who is a 16 year old girl. She was originally his mate from her past life, but she died and now he's trying to get her back because he needs to have a child with her. Once that child is of age, it will be the key to destroying the planet and enslaving the human and demon race and yadda yadda. OVER ALL BAD GUY, OKAY? Anyways... in the dream, I was this guy, but he was still controlling himself... I guess? I mean, I couldn't do anything with the body I was in, it was as if someone else was controlling it. But I'll just refer to him as myself so it doesn't get too confusing... I hope... So in the beginning, I had just walked into a bathroom and I silently closed the door behind me. It was a rather large bathroom and I was focused on the shower, which someone was in. I walked up to it and took off all my clothes. I sighed soundlessly and somehow got into the shower without making a noise. The girl was there, rinsing out her long blue-black hair. Suddenly I rushed forward and pinned her against the shower wall. She yelled out in surprise. I wrapped my arms around her quickly and started whispering in her ear. I don't remember what I said, but she stayed as still as she could. She was shaking under me. I could smell the fear emanating off of her as I leaned down and began kissing her back, her arms, all over her neck. I heard her breathing deepen and she started to lean into me. She was so small, so soft, so fragile. After a small while, she began to moan quietly and without warning, I whipped her around to face me. She was like a frightened animal, but her pupils were dilated with lust. I gripped onto her wrists and held her tightly against the shower wall again and forced my lips against hers. She fought a bit, but she was also aware of how much stronger I was than her.  My sex had grown hard already and I teased her own with it. As soon as I touched her, she gasped into my mouth and at that moment I felt like I had lost "control" over myself. I had to be inside her. I released her arms and picked her up, wrapping her legs around my waist. I smiled and rested my forehead against hers and whispered for her to put her arms around my neck. She obeyed and I kissed her gently. Afterwards I decided to enter her and she gasped loudly as she took my rather large size. 

After that I woke up. When I think about it, I smile, yet I feel embarrassed by it at the same time. It's so strange, I don't even know why I had that dream. I dream about that guy a lot too. For the past four days, I have had at least one dream with him in it. But he's a fictional character? He doesn't exist? And I've never been with anyone like him in my life either. But supposedly if you dream about a person constantly, that means they are real? Not sure what to think about that at all. Wish I knew how to make sense of this.

Anyways... Going to Newfoundland in a few weeks, I hope I can have a real good vacation, I hope I don't stress as much as I normally do about things. It's been three whole years since I've been there. After what Sarah did to me, I didn't want to go so much anymore, but my Nan and Pop are counting on me to be there, so I shall go regardless. Just hope I don't see that twit or else the vacation will be ruined. I also hope I can finish my math on time. I have been neglecting it again due to lack of focus. I really need to sit down and work on it again like I did that while ago. I've moved back into my room so it will be quiet. That should help me I hope. Not looking forward to my final. I dread that, I really do.

I began reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower again today. I love this book so much. It is kind of helping my mood as well, so I should read it whenever I can. Just not in one day again, or else my mother will get mad- which is understandable. 

Snow Patrol has released their North American tour dates too. They're going to Calgary. If only I had someone to go with. No one I know likes Snow Patrol. It's kind of saddening because they mean so much to me. Especially Gary. He's really my favorite person in the entire world and I hope no one reading this will be offended by that, but I just want to tell the truth. He is #1 in my book, he really is. 

I wish I could meet him, just have a hug and say thank you. Simple as that. Nothing fancy. Oh if only if only. 

I wish I was healthy already.