I feel like Death.

I'm so tired, I hardly slept last night. I think it's because I'm sleeping in the bed in the basement instead of my bed upstairs in my room. It is way too hot to be upstairs though. It might get up to 38 degrees today and I have problems functioning at anything above 20 degrees. I can't use  my computer either, since it's in my room and it would overheat very easily. I don't want to put it through that, so I am stuck with this weak little notebook. Oh well I suppose.
Last entry I was talking about how I'm trying to keep a positive attitude. Well after my father's birthday, it kind of vanished. I can't even bring myself to be happy anymore. Where did that happiness go? I wonder. I've noticed that I am still losing all of my real life friends. My so called "best friend" back stabbed me right before she left to move in with her "Fiance" that she had only been  with for 4 months and she's already pregnant. I only have cruel things to say about her now. I wish I had known just what she was truly like. If I had, I would have left her alone with her mother. I really would have. 
The only friend from this town that I had left, left to move into a small city about 45 minutes from here and hasn't spoken to me since. I think he was the only one that really accepted me for who I was. Now just to make it clear, I am not mad at him. He has done nothing wrong. I'm just a bit lonely I suppose. I think the worst that has happened this year though is my cousin... I have spoken about her before. Her name is Sarah. Yeah her. I was quite close to her for many years. Well now she has gone too. She hates me. You want to know why? Because I'm Transgender. Because I want to be a boy. Because I want to be comfortable in my own skin and true to myself. And she says I have back stabbed her because of that. I really don't see how that works. But it just goes to show that like the "friends" I had in school, she was just a fake as well. None of them were truly my friends. If they were, then they would have accepted me for who I am and who I want to be. They would support me and stand by me. But they all got mad at me and became disgusted with me. I guess that's what I get for being in a small redneck cowboy town. I guess that's what I get for having cousins who live on a small rock with indecent schooling and harsh religious ideas. Sarah, she told me "You need to stop trying to be a boy because deep down I know you are a GIRL" That really hurt me and made me mad. So I wrote to her telling her that I don't want to have anything to do with her if she is going to be that way to me. I don't have to stand for her verbal abuse. I didn't for the people at my old school so I don't have to with her. It's a shame that I had to say that to her, but it is what she deserves. 
I almost regret buying those tickets to Newfoundland now. If she had only told me sooner, I wouldn't have bothered with them. I would have saved my money for my college. But they don't take refunds, which pisses me off. I honestly could be doing better things than wasting my time there. Before, I had really wanted to go, I missed my family there, but now I don't want to go. I want to stay home.
Moments like these make it extremely difficult to stay away from my old ways of depression. Blades become enticing once again and food appears to be disgusting. 
Why is it so hard to just be who I want?