Forlade mig venligst.

I'm using my phone so no picture this time. It's 3.17. I haven't slept so far. I don't want to, yet  I want to at the same time. Lately I haven't been taking my sleeping pill all the time like I'm supposed to. I don't even know why. My heart hurts and my depression hit me sorta hard this morning. I feel like crying but I know that won't solve anything. My life feels really messy right now and I'm not sure how to pull it together. There's no need to feel this intense sadness. There really isn't. My life is actually good. Great even. So why am I sad? Why am I laying in bed here feeling so emotionally hurt that I want to drive a blade into my thighs again? It's been two months since the last time. I want to try and hold off longer, but it feels really difficult to do so. I'm not thinking straight so I might spell some things wrong and I might use a lot of words over and over again. Like the world "feel" When I'm down like this, I just really crave to disappear for a while. I've been talking about that frequently. How I disappeared in the forests for two hours. I want to do that right now. Why does Bassano have to be such a shitty town in the middle of nowhere. Why can't I be home. Why can't I just call him and hear his voice for real to comfort me. Why can I only play music or dream of his voice in order to hold this intensity at bay. Why am I like this. He doesn't really exist. He doesn't know me. So why do I cling to him so desperately. Why do I crave him so badly. I have a girlfriend that I love so terribly much. Someone I can see myself with for years and years. The only person I can see myself having a future with. And yet he still haunts the pages of everything I am. What am I supposed to do. How do I erase him from my memory. All he does it hurt me. Wracking my body with pain and filling my heart with doubt. I dreamt I was in this very strange school. I rushed all through its halls, it's classrooms, its storage rooms. All to try to find him. Even though I knew he wasn't there. It hurt so bad but I couldn't stop myself from looking for him. Why do I do this to myself. This is why my relationships never last. This is why I keep losing people. Because I'm waiting for someone that will never come. Maybe I do need serious help. Maybe I do need to be taken into the psych ward in Medicine Hat. I don't know. I couldn't talk to anyone about it. I know people will see this, but maybe this will just reveal what kind of a nutcase I truly am. It's been what... 4-5 years that I've known about him? I wish there was a way to erase him from my head. My poor mentality has me so twisted up in knots. I can't control how I feel anymore. Just tearing myself apart. How do I fix it?  How do I rid of it? Of him? To those reading, don't question me on it. Don't talk to me about it. I don't want to share. I don't want to explain thoroughly. Whatever you read here is what you get. Maybe I need to lock myself away for a while. Maybe I need to sleep my sins away. But then I'll dream and nothing will be solved. Maybe it would be easier if I stopped dreaming. How does one do that? But then I crave to dream when I wake up from the nights I don't. My left hand has gone numb. My thumb still refuses to sleep though. My heart still pains. And I don't mean physically. But... Soulfully? Well emotionally. It's crying so to speak. Horribly. It's crying and wanting the consolidation it needs but it never will get it because he's not real. I love him. I think I always will. I should pretend he's dead and just move on with myself. But I've been trying that for the passed few years. How many? 3 maybe? I want to go home. I want to walk through the door and take my boots off. Looking up as he greets me from the counter in our open kitchen. To see that smile and hear his voice speak to me. Those intense blue eyes that could give you chills for days. His height. His broad shoulders. The classy way he dressed. His partially wild midnight hair. His large hands. The way he carried himself so confidently and always seemed to know all there was in the world. How can I forget him. I don't even know who he is for crying out loud. It seems way stronger than a figment of imagination. Maybe someone from a past life. I'll never know. I just wish there was a way to cope with it. I just wanna forget him and be with Danielle. That's what I want. Even though it hurts. I want him gone so I can be with my girl. To be truly with her. But this hurts too much.