Sleep with one eye open

Alright, not quite sure what's going on with the formatting of my blog right now, so please bear with me if it's a little weird. I didn't know that the last post didn't change the font color like it should have automatically, but it is fixed. Good thing they have a highlighting tool hey?
Uhm... So my first month on Testosterone has passed by and very quickly at that.  I don't like the extra acne, the even less hours of sleep, and the further weakening of my vocal chords, but these are all things that can be solved easily, so I don't see them as a huge deal. The acne can be treated, I could just go to bed earlier, and look up vocal exercises on the internet. \'--'/ Big whoop lol. I am sort of having trouble getting used to the weight gain still. I might be 46 kgs now, but I could be wrong. It just freaks me out because my face has filled out and my skinny jeans are a bit tougher to get into- plus I got a bit of a paunch trying to show up on my stomach- It all gets the voices at the back of my head screaming crazy tyrants and insults at me, but I'm trying to ignore them the best I can. There's nothing wrong with being 45 or 46 or even 50 kgs Sora... you need to keep that in mind please.  I want this change so badly, I refuse to give up on it. Regardless of those downsides, the positives definitely outweigh the negatives. Just in general, I'm so much happier than what I used to be. It has me wishing hopefully that maybe I'll be able to size down on how much medication I take, but if I don't get to that point, I'm fine with that too.  I saw Simmone in Edmonton last month and she said that Dr. Warneke had sent a referral to the surgeon for my top surgery as well. I didn't think he would have done that right away since that was the first time I had ever seen Dr. Warneke, but he did it. And if I don't hear from the surgeon by May, Simmone said I could phone the hospital to ask if they got the referral or not. The waiting list is two years long, but it's all paid for! So I think it's work the wait.

Lately I've also been feeling overwhelmed with school work. It just keeps coming in and in and I feel like I'm hardly making any progress. It's stupid too because, when I get overwhelmed, then I don't want to do it and if I don't do it, the work will just pile up more.... My brain seems to forget common sense a lot. I just want to leave already and get a job and have my own place and be an adult already. I shouldn't be in such a rush, it honestly isn't a fun life being an adult, but I want to try to be independent. I want to leave the nest so to speak and make my mark on the world. I want to prove that I can be better than the rest of my family. I just have this insatiable urge to "be the best" Sometimes I feel like my dad's branch of the Simpson family is looked down upon by his brothers and sisters and such. We were never as "successful" as they all are. We're not rich, we don't have big fancy trucks or cars. We're hardly even scraping by and I feel really judged by that. I shouldn't let that bother me, but I hate how they look down on us. Nick went to college, but what is he doing? Living in my mother's basement working at a gas station. Matt might be in jail next month- I'll say that much. So he's not too fair off. I just want to prove that my dad's family is just as fucking good as they are. And I want my mum and dad to be proud. Because they did a damn good job raising us (my mum would say otherwise about my dad, but I think he did great with what he could) And I want proof of that. I wanna show them that they did good. Really badly. I don't need to be stinking rich like them, but I just want to be successful. That's all. But in the end that might be too much to ask for.  However, I still want to try.


Sora might need a haircut soon- maybe just a trim...

Never Good.

So I've done it again. I fucked up. I made another huge mistake. This is why I don't want to be here anymore. My poor mother. All I do is upset her and make her suffer. Everything I do is wrong. If I stay at home, she's mad because I never go out. If I go out with friends, she's mad because I'm not home. I sit on my ass all day. I'm not allowed to get sick. I got my period today, so I've been bed ridden from cramps and now mum is mad at me because I didn't do what she asked. I am really sorry. No I am not being sarcastic. I just wish I could do something right for once. I just wish I could make you happy. I wish I could do something right for once. I tried offering help earlier but she just said "No, I can do it, you go to your room and rest." Talk about a real guilt trip huh. Why can't I be a good son. Why do I never fear the consequences until they happen. Why do I not care until it's too late. Making the both of us miserable. Why doesn't mum treat Nick and Matt this way? I guess because I'm the youngest and I'm not healthy. At least Matt is supporting himself. Nick finished school and went to college. I've done nothing but hurt Mum. Cause her pain, have her miss work, waste her money on pills and such just for me. I'm not even the little girl that she always wanted. I had to fuck that up too. 

In the midst of things, I still have to buy everyone presents and I've picked up smoking again. Maybe I'll be lucky and get cancer so I can die sooner. I also have a feeling that my self-harming activities may come back. I need to be punished somehow. Being yelled at or ignored completely just isn't enough. 

Falling Away With You

I do suppose that I am in need of an update, it has been a while. Not much has been going on. It's been pretty relaxed as usual. I finally wrapped Birth By Sleep tonight. I was kinda disappointed by how it ended. There were a lot of feelings and emotions that it evoked out of me though haha. But Kingdom Hearts games usually tend to do that to me. I have a new girlfriend. Her name is Megan and we're in an "actual" relationship. Not an online one, so I meet her in person and everything lol. She's eighteen and lives with Scott and Kelsey right now. We've been dating for about two weeks. To be honest, when I first met her I didn't like her too much. But first impressions aren't everything right? After I got to know her better, I began liking her and Scott and I convinced her to break up with her abusive boyfriend. All he did was use her and make her miserable. If she was happy with him, then I wouldn't have bothered, because... well that'd just be a complete ass of a move lol. But according to Scott, after I left, she was really happy and has been a lot happier since then, so I'm glad. I haven't told mum about her yet, but I probably will soon when I get the guts to do so. At least mum has met her already and even said she was a nice girl. So thumbs up for that! Another thumbs up that Megan doesn't snore when she sleeps lmao. I hate people who snore so much, ugh. Anyways. Last Friday, I went to hang out with Scott, Kelsey, and Megan, as I do every weekend now. First it was just Scott and I and we went to Brooks to get Tim Horton's. Coffee for him and a small ice cap for me. After we drove around Brooks for a while and Scott showed me all the places that him and the girls grew up. It was really interesting- hearing all the stories he told and the meanings behind the places. Plus we got to see some pretty decked out houses. Tons and tons of Christmas lights and trees haha. Then we went back to Bassano and picked up the girls and drove around before heading back to their place. I think it was about 02.00 by the time we decided to finally go to bed haha. After Megan and I went to bed, I ended up having a panic attack. I think it was the shortest panic attack I had ever had. And unfortunately I had Megan freaked out ._. Oops. It was also the first time it happened at someone else's house too. But in the end, I'm glad it went away fast. I'm pretty sure the cause of it was the ice cap I had earlier, which makes me very thankful that I had only gotten a small. And now I will never have caffeine ever again. D: Scary shit son. Then after I had calmed down, apparently Scott's bird blew a blood vessel. (This is at 04.00 now) And so they had to drive all the way to Calgary (1h 30min drive) to take the bird to the emergency vet since they were the closest one's that specialized in birds .__. I was really worried since Scott had only had maybe 3 hours of sleep for the passed two days. But him and Kelsey made it to the vet in one piece. Took them 3 and a half hours to find the vet though! They ended up calling a taxi service and had a cab lead the way there. So it was about 08.00 by the time they got there. The bird ended up having to go through surgery and Kelsey was flipping out. She's very attached to their pets. All in all though, the bird is fine and Kelsey and Scott made it back fine too. It was a very busy night... and basically the only excitement that I've had since haha. 

They want me to move in come January too. I'm not sure how I feel about that because they say it's okay if I don't pay rent or anything. So basically I'd be mooching off of them. In return they just want me to clean, since they can't do it worth shit lol. Which honestly sounds great because I love cleaning, but I am kind of high maintenance and they aren't exactly rich... What with my medications and the special diet I have. Plus they're gonna have to pay extra for their utilities since I'll be there all the time and extra groceries I need and stuff. It just doesn't sound fair for them in my opinion. But I would love to live with them. I also doubt that my mother would let me move there given the circumstances as well, even though I'm an adult now and everything, my mum still has final say over me. Just because I'm not as independent as I should be and don't have a job or anything. Otherwise my mum wouldn't have a problem. I just don't want to be a burden to them and I told them that and they say "Oh, you won't be" "We'll be happy to have you" And etc, etc, But that will only last so long before they notice the decrease in money they have once I'm there. Ugh... If only I was closer to graduating. I keep saying that, but it just seems so far away and it pisses me off. I need to be a full adult already. 
Maybe I'll just get a part time job at the grocery store since it's close to their place and then I still have a bunch of hours to do school work. Maybe it will motivate me more. Yeah... That does sound better and then I can give them a bit of rent too. Although I doubt it will be much, but I would feel better if I gave them something. I feel better now that I sorted that out right now LOL. 

My eating has improved since the last post as well. Gone back to eating two meals and snacks in between like I used to do. And the "End of the World" is this Friday hahaha. What a laugh that is. I'll probably be over at Scott's again. I also need to finish my x-mas shopping too /: Need Mum, Nick, and Dad. And then I'll be good. Not sure how I'm gonna pull that off, but we'll see. 
Nothing else to really mention- Not that I can think of anyways. Mood hasn't been too bad, sleeping could be better, but it always could be. So I guess I'll stop here. 

Have a good week everyone~

I don't think I can.

The picture is of my favorite childhood toy, Robin. I've had him since I was about three and he was made the same year I was born. He means a lot to me and has been a huge part of my life. I used to sleep with him beside me in my bed. Once my Mother told me that if the house ever caught on fire, that we wouldn't take anything and we would just run and leave everything else behind to burn. After she told me that, I started taking Robin literally everywhere with me and I would place him by the door in case a fire ever happened, I'd be able to grab him right away and he would be safe with me. I was a very strange child when growing up. 

I'm still not eating proper. I weighed myself this morning and I'm at 43kgs. I was actually happy when I discovered I had lost a kilogram. I think I'm afraid of getting fat. I think I've always feared it. Not to the point where I'd throw my food up, but to the point where I would starve myself. And I'm getting into that habit again. I know I shouldn't do such a thing, but whenever my BMI is below 18, I feel a bit happier with myself, like I accomplished something. But I feel that it could be lower. I don't ever want to reach 100 pounds. I've never been that high and I don't want to. I have a feeling I will once I start testosterone, but that can't be helped I suppose. This isn't healthy. I should tell my councillor about it, but I don't want to actually verbally state that I've been starving myself because I think I could be thinner. To be truly honest, I've thought this way since... probably when I first began puberty- when I was ten. I've hated my body since then. Even though I'm underweight, I don't feel like it. I don't feel like a cow either- don't get me wrong. But I always have that thought, "I could be thinner." I felt disgusted with myself yesterday for having fast food. Just a burger and fries. (minus the buns of course) And I felt so bloated and disgusted, I almost had a breakdown. I'm forcing myself to eat at least one meal a day and a multi-vitamine, so I don't drop too low. And I'm drinking loads more fluids too. Still doesn't make it right, I know. Maybe this phase will pass after a while like it always does. I hope it does. It'd be even nicer if it didn't come back after. I haven't been much in the mood to sleep either. I'm still taking my sleeping pills, but if my body doesn't want to sleep, it's not gonna happen. I look 75mgs the other day and I still had trouble sleeping. I usually take 50mgs. I'm beginning to wonder what caused this drop in my mood. Wasn't I really happy not that long ago? Because I was so excited and happy about the Gender Clinic and such? What happened to that? I need to find it again. I want my happiness to last longer than just a week or two because when the depression hits, it almost kills me. 

Wish I knew how to stay positive. Wish I wasn't such a negative person all the time. Wish I knew how.

Live freaky, die freaky

I dyed my hair an insanely bright color of red and I'm not sure if I like it yet or not. And I'm too tired to take a "today" picture of me, so have a really bad facebook photo instead.

I felt like I should post today because lately I've been feeling really happy with myself and somewhat of my life as well and I think I should try to focus a bit on that and try to have that feeling last as long as I can before I hit that rut again. I know I will hit it, that's the joys of depression, but it doesn't mean that I can still try and be happy. Recently I haven't had any thoughts of self-harm or suicide. I haven't contemplated killing myself like I have been for the past while. I was supposed to see my psychologist this month, which I was really in need of, but I can't see her until the end of January. Oh the joys of living in a small town .___.

But lately I don't feel like I need to see her so badly anymore. Like I said, I've been in a more positive mood- very chipper. I noticed it whenever I started hanging out with Scott and Kelsey. (Scott is Transgender as well) They're just... really good friends. I mean really good. To me, they are seriously the best friends I had ever had in my life. I don't think I've ever felt so comfortable around someone before as I do with them. They're like family, maybe even closer in a way... Can friends be closer than family? I'm not even sure how to describe it exactly, but I'll try... 

With all of the friends that I've had in the past (And with this I mean RL friends, not Online friends, okay?) I've always felt a little uncomfortable with them. I always felt like I had to watch what I was saying and what I was doing. I always felt like I was being judged, like they all looked down on me or something. I just felt like I wasn't needed, that I felt like an attachment that shouldn't be there. I felt so out of place, regardless of whichever friend(s) I was with. But with Scott and Kelsey... I feel like I can TRULY be myself. I don't have to be uncomfortable in my own skin when around them and I always feel immediately happy when around them. I think they are my true best friends. The first real ones I've ever had. I don't feel as if they're judging me, I don't feel like a third wheel, I just feel like they make me belong. I actually don't get nervous when we plan to hang out or anything and I've never had that before. Whenever I would plan to hang out with my past friends, I'd always get severely nervous and sometimes my stomach would get upset because of how anxious I felt. But with Scott and Kelsey, I don't get that feeling. I just get really happy and excited to see them. It kind of makes me understand the feeling that Charlie would experience whenever he was hanging out with his friends. That he was truly happy, that he felt infinite. (Charlie is from The Perks of Being a Wallflower) I still don't know if I explained it well enough. But I do love these guys. And I hope I don't ever lose them because I'm afraid of the kind of mood I might end up in if I do lose them. They're not fake, they're not judgemental. I don't feel like I'm constantly under scrutiny being with them. And I always had those feelings with past friends and I lost all but one of them whenever I came out as Trans, so that just goes to show how they weren't ever my friends at all. But Scott and Kelsey are and that makes me very happy.

In other news, I saw my doctor yesterday about my nose. He says I have sinusitis like my brother (who he constantly said was a nice boy and how we look very similar) And he said that I'm probably allergic to my pets and suggested that I "get rid" (He said it nicer) of them. And right away, I said no lol. Honestly, I'd rather suffer than give up my babies, especially Smokey. I've had her since I was 9, so I ain't getting rid of her now. You couldn't pay me enough to do that. So instead he said I should keep them out of my room... but I haven't really been doing that either... oops. I've been keeping the dog out if that counts .__. Although I feel like shit because he's stuck in the living room all by himself. So tomorrow, I will probably let him in while mum is at work. It's like denying your child attention when they're crying to have it, just to be in your company makes them content. So why would you tell them no? Especially if you love them? I know I wouldn't... Except at night lmao. No pets in my room when I'm trying to sleep haha. Put I am washing my hands more often and I should probably wash my bedding and vacuum more often as well. Yeah... Also, I almost died this morning. My doctor told me to get a nasal rinse thing to help clear my sinuses, and I used it this morning... I swear I was gonna drown omg. Basically you're squirting salt-water up one nostril until the water comes out on the OTHER SIDE A;LSDKJFASDNF;ASILDFJ. And then you repeat for the other nostril. The whole time I was like "OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD" It didn't hurt or anything, but it was just the most uncomfortable thing I ever experienced. And now I get to do it EVERY DAY YAY. Oh me... anyways...

Ahh... One other thing I want to mention because I'm still thinking about it.

On Sunday, before mum and I went for groceries, we went to fill up on gas and so I was just chillin' like a villain in the passenger seat and I happen to look up and see a guy that looks EXACTLY like Gary Lightbody, walk out of the gas station with a coffee and head to his car. My jaw dropped and I almost screamed. I seriously almost had a fanboy meltdown. For real I thought it was him. But I checked the Snow Patrol tour dates and it said they were in the States on the other side of the country, so.... It wasn't him. I was let down, but also glad because if it were him, then that meant that I missed him and couldn't get a hug and or autograph *A* So yeah... THERE'S THAT STORY. I'm such a weird person, I really am. I just love that man too much, regardless of his age difference. 

I think I'll leave this post at that. (So awkward D:)

This Isn't Everything You Are

My thumb looks broken. Wow. Hate my digits so much.

Really hating on everything today. Nothing is right. I feel horrible and sick. My mum has been coming at me and trying to get me to make another appointment with my psychologist. She thinks I need another medication increase. I think it's high enough, but alas, my mood is horrid. Sleeping has gotten bad again, my depression is increasing again, and my appetite has decreased. I'm honestly tired of seeing doctors. I'm seeing my councillor at least on the 30th. I don't know what to talk about though. I really don't. I'm not sure what's bothering me this time. Maybe the heat, but I can't do anything about that. If the weather is above 20 degrees then I begin to stop functioning properly. I get hot extremely easily and it makes me sick. I hate what my body has become. I can only hope that it improves at least a little bit once I do start hormones, which I wish was sooner than later. I just hope I can still refrain from cutting, but the urge is getting stronger and harder to battle.

I had a strange dream last night. I'm not sure what to make of it.

I dreamt I was one of my characters from the story I had typed up a year ago. He's the antagonist. A very tall man. It was weird being up that high from the ground lol. Basically, his goal his to capture the main character, who is a 16 year old girl. She was originally his mate from her past life, but she died and now he's trying to get her back because he needs to have a child with her. Once that child is of age, it will be the key to destroying the planet and enslaving the human and demon race and yadda yadda. OVER ALL BAD GUY, OKAY? Anyways... in the dream, I was this guy, but he was still controlling himself... I guess? I mean, I couldn't do anything with the body I was in, it was as if someone else was controlling it. But I'll just refer to him as myself so it doesn't get too confusing... I hope... So in the beginning, I had just walked into a bathroom and I silently closed the door behind me. It was a rather large bathroom and I was focused on the shower, which someone was in. I walked up to it and took off all my clothes. I sighed soundlessly and somehow got into the shower without making a noise. The girl was there, rinsing out her long blue-black hair. Suddenly I rushed forward and pinned her against the shower wall. She yelled out in surprise. I wrapped my arms around her quickly and started whispering in her ear. I don't remember what I said, but she stayed as still as she could. She was shaking under me. I could smell the fear emanating off of her as I leaned down and began kissing her back, her arms, all over her neck. I heard her breathing deepen and she started to lean into me. She was so small, so soft, so fragile. After a small while, she began to moan quietly and without warning, I whipped her around to face me. She was like a frightened animal, but her pupils were dilated with lust. I gripped onto her wrists and held her tightly against the shower wall again and forced my lips against hers. She fought a bit, but she was also aware of how much stronger I was than her.  My sex had grown hard already and I teased her own with it. As soon as I touched her, she gasped into my mouth and at that moment I felt like I had lost "control" over myself. I had to be inside her. I released her arms and picked her up, wrapping her legs around my waist. I smiled and rested my forehead against hers and whispered for her to put her arms around my neck. She obeyed and I kissed her gently. Afterwards I decided to enter her and she gasped loudly as she took my rather large size. 

After that I woke up. When I think about it, I smile, yet I feel embarrassed by it at the same time. It's so strange, I don't even know why I had that dream. I dream about that guy a lot too. For the past four days, I have had at least one dream with him in it. But he's a fictional character? He doesn't exist? And I've never been with anyone like him in my life either. But supposedly if you dream about a person constantly, that means they are real? Not sure what to think about that at all. Wish I knew how to make sense of this.

Anyways... Going to Newfoundland in a few weeks, I hope I can have a real good vacation, I hope I don't stress as much as I normally do about things. It's been three whole years since I've been there. After what Sarah did to me, I didn't want to go so much anymore, but my Nan and Pop are counting on me to be there, so I shall go regardless. Just hope I don't see that twit or else the vacation will be ruined. I also hope I can finish my math on time. I have been neglecting it again due to lack of focus. I really need to sit down and work on it again like I did that while ago. I've moved back into my room so it will be quiet. That should help me I hope. Not looking forward to my final. I dread that, I really do.

I began reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower again today. I love this book so much. It is kind of helping my mood as well, so I should read it whenever I can. Just not in one day again, or else my mother will get mad- which is understandable. 

Snow Patrol has released their North American tour dates too. They're going to Calgary. If only I had someone to go with. No one I know likes Snow Patrol. It's kind of saddening because they mean so much to me. Especially Gary. He's really my favorite person in the entire world and I hope no one reading this will be offended by that, but I just want to tell the truth. He is #1 in my book, he really is. 

I wish I could meet him, just have a hug and say thank you. Simple as that. Nothing fancy. Oh if only if only. 

I wish I was healthy already.