Of distant car horns...

Not quite sure what to post for a photo, so here have a recent drawing of mine. I've come a long way from when I first started taking drawing seriously and forming it into a hobby of mine. I can't draw on paper worth shit anymore though. 

This post will probably be completely full with negativity, so be warned.

All my thoughts have been negative lately, I can't come to bring myself out of it. Everything seems to not be going well and as soon as it turns to a brighter corner, it all collapses again. I just want to hurt and starve and destroy myself. I'm so tired.

I hate my body so much, I just want this weight to go away. But no matter what I do, it just stays the same or I gain more. What else should I do?
To get these bags ridden of? The unwanted and excessities that shouldn't be there. I want to see my bones.

I've heard of middle-child syndrome, do they have a youngest-child syndrome too? Where the first born is the most perfect creation your parents have ever made and the youngest will never ever be able to live up to those expectations, no matter how hard they try? 

If there is such a thing, I think I have it. But I think I cause it more so than my family does. I am my worst enemy, I'll admit it. I got my report card today and I suppose I'm really sensitive over my marks. 80's in Psychology and Forensics, but only 65 in Mathematics. Mum praised me for the first two, but I got pissed because it's nothing to be happy over really. The Math says otherwise. My marks aren't something to be happy over. Psychology and Forensics don't mean anything in the real world. All they focus on are the 4 cores. That's why they're called "core" because that's what you need in order to expand and make anything of yourself. That's why the other classes are called "extras" They don't mean anything but points in order for you to graduate. It's not fair really, people say I'm smart and brilliant, but when you look at the marks, they say otherwise. I'm not smart. I'm not brilliant. I am definitely not above average. It's all lies. It won't all be okay. It won't be alright. It just won't. The world isn't kind to the ill-minded. If you're stupid, you're going to be poor and not be able to make ends meet and you're just going to die an old, lonely, miserable soul. 

That's reality.

That's what people are so afraid of.
That's what they try to lie about. To hide the truth from us and say, "hey if you try hard, you can do it. If you give it your best, that's all that matters"
Except that's not how life works.
You can try and try all you bloody well want, but if you don't meet the standards or the expectations, you're rotten meat. You're a bag. You're a waste of space, skin, and existence.

And that's all I am. I'm not as smart as Nick. I'm not as resourceful as Matt. I'm not a hard worker like Mum or Dad. 
I'm none of that.
And no matter how hard I try, no matter if I give it my best shot. I'll never live up to those expectations. I'll never make it. I'll never achieve anything. 

I'm sorry but no one can tell me different. No one can sugar coat it for me and say that things will get better or improve. No one can tell me that I'm not trying hard enough. 
They don't know the pain I've gone through in order to just get this far. 
How much I've struggled, how much I've hurt, how much I've been yelled at.
Nor will I say the details in which this happened to me.
I don't want pity. I don't want sympathy.
I just want to go away now.

But I can't even do that.

Did I have it and lose it?

S'cuse me while I stuff my face with rice. I still haven't been feeling that great lately. Still have a cold, plus womanhood revealed itself on Monday so now I have to deal with that too. Really wish I could have my testosterone already. But I have a few months to wait yet.

I'm single once again. That didn't last long did it? Megan...  I'm not sure how to explain it really. Recently she's been hanging out with a drug addict- I'm wondering if she's been taking drugs with him too. Her behaviour has been really sporadic and dangerous. She was constantly threatening Scott and Kelsey and everyone at her work was terrified of her. Kelsey  was afraid to be alone with Megan. So Scott had no choice but to kick her out. She... seriously stated that she wanted to kill a cat and wanted to go dig up a baby's grave... all for cigarettes. She won't let Scott take her to the ward in Medicine Hat or Calgary because she thinks she's completely fine. She's also been frolicking around with this Matthew guy she's known for a long time. She might have some actual STD's as well... So I'm very glad that our relationship didn't become sexual. That could have been a real mess. So she's forgotten all about me, so I suppose I'm "off the hook" so to speak. After a while it didn't really feel like we were in a relationship anymore anyways. I knew something was up when I began to feel that. I always get strange feelings about this sort of thing when my relationship with someone is suddenly about to end.

Too be honest, I kind of miss Danielle. She was always easy to talk to, I felt like I genuinely cared about her. I actually didn't mind calling her "babe" or any other pet name and I enjoyed our conversations when I was upset. What I liked most was making her feel like someone cared for her. She didn't think she was capable of having someone actually love her, but I did. At the time I suppose. I always end up missing the person who hurts me. I still miss the other one. I hate going to Medicine Hat in fear of seeing him... But I don't really want to talk about him. When stuff like this happens, I don't actually feel hurt, like I should cry or feel sad. I don't feel that, but I say they hurt me because I know a normal person would be upset over it. That it should hurt, even though it doesn't. Maybe I have a problem with my feelings when it comes to other people... Who knows.

Mum had me weigh myself the other day and I didn't show it, but I was very terrified. The scale said I was 45kgs... I have never been that heavy in my life. I couldn't bring myself to really eat for a few days after that. I weighed myself yesterday and it said I was 44kgs, so I do feel better about that. It's just I shouldn't feel that way though. I should have been happy seeing that 45 on the scale. I feel happy when I can see my bones. I love seeing the scars on my body and I wish I had more. I'm not terribly underweight for my size, but I wish I was. And that's not right. Do I enjoy being sick? Do I like being unhealthy? Do I want to hurt myself? I'm starting to wonder.

My head is in such a mess.