He Who Laughs Last

I should be working on my Social Studies, but I think it can wait long enough for me to update since I do so very rarely. 
I'm coming up to my third month on Testosterone and everything is quite good. I began using a clay mask every day and night for my face and... well it's not getting any better, but it's not getting any worse either, so I suppose that's alright by me lol.  So now the only thing that really irks me is my vocal chords. They're increasingly weaker since my voice is forever changing, but maybe once my voice levels out, I'll start vocal exercises to strengthen it again.  Apparently I'm at the point where I sound different on the phone, which I'm super happy about.
I haven't talked to my Father in a very long time and he phoned me last week on my mobile- it was pretty funny, I must say. It went a little something like:
"Hello?"
"....Hello.... Is Selina there?"
"Speaking."
".............What!?!?!"
"Yeah."
"Jeeze, you sound worse than I do!!"
I thought it was hilarious haha. But we talked for a while and updated on everything. He's still shocked over the whole "Transgender thing" but he says that he's still accepting no matter what.
It's just that Mum and Dad always wanted a little girl and I was kinda the whole "miracle child" because of Mum's health complications and then later on, I turn around and come out as Trans. So yeah.... But like I said, he accepts me and still loves me no matter what, so that's all that really matters to me C:  Regardless I'm sort of mad with him right now because he filed an affidavit on my Mother.  Mum said I'm not allowed to have an opinion on it because it is strictly between her and him, but I can't help myself you know? I mean, it's really understandable in why he filed it. He over payed on child support for Nick and I because Mum didn't cancel it when we turned 18, but I remember him saying that he would never make a fuss about it because we are his kids and he knows that the money is going towards helping Nick and I. Mum isn't abusing it, she never has, and after I explained that to Dad, he said that he wouldn't do anything about it. But now all of a sudden he's turned around and is suing Mum. So in short, I feel betrayed, but to be honest, I think he's doing it because he doesn't really have any money and he needs to pay bills and such. Despite that I'm still kind of mad, but I don't love him any less. At this point, I'm sort of just waiting for a phone call that he's in the hospital or that he's passed on because of his health and so I don't want to be mad at him. The thing that really annoys me though is that his OWN SISTER, is charging him SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS A MONTH for RENT. And Dad is only getting $800 for disability. I could never do that to my own brother(s). Never ever. And my Aunt and Uncle have their house paid off, so that's just money in their pocket.  My Uncle is retired so he gets pension or whichever it's called and my Aunt still works... So simply put, I'm not particularly impressed with those two....
Eh... A lot of negative things are happening this month and it keeps piling up and it's terrible.  The only good thing is that I am done my diploma exams and I will only have to write one more final at the end of August. 
But that's the only good thing. 

I won't go into TOO much detail right now because then this entry would be a mile long no doubt, but in total:
-I have 8 courses to finish before the end of August.
-Dad has filed this Affidavit thing
-We're going bankrupt
-We're going to have to start selling our things
-Mum can hardly pay the bills
-Groceries are difficult to come by because of lack of money
-We might have to sell the house and move into an extremely small mobile home
-If we keep the house, we'll be kicked onto the street in less than a year
-My counsin Micheal is in the hospital because he's suicidal   
And a lot of other minor things I won't bother to mention. But I'm quite reasonably stressed about all of this. And I'm stuck here at home letting it all bottle up because I can't do anything about it.

Life is really getting hard and all I can do is complain about it because I can't fix anything...

Hold me Higher

It has been sunny recently, so I decided to take pictures outside and I met up with my neighbour's cat, Hope. She's a very beautiful and sweet cat. You can't help but get all gushy and happy every time you see her. We were out back behind the garage, she's sitting on the bed of my truck.

Well here's to a more than much needed update. To be honest, for the longest while I wasn't sure what to say anymore. Nothing new was happening and all my feelings were the same, sometimes it got worse, so I wasn't quite in the mood to talk about it.

I just want to let you know that recently I've been doing a lot better. I don't feel the need to starve myself to the point of nauseousness anymore. Well no... That's a lie. I do still feel like I need to, but now I can fight it. I can tell that strange voice in my head to screw off and I'll just eat whatever the hell I want. I know I need to gain weight, but it's a fear of mine all the same. I've sort of been neglecting myself when it comes to weighing my body, but I'm just afraid that if I see the numbers on the scale, that it will illicit a bad reaction from me again and I don't want that to happen. So for now I won't weigh myself. I might on April 23rd though because that will mark the first month of me being on Testosterone. Yep! I finally started it. The Endocrinologist phoned me for an appointment on March 20th in Calgary and the appointment was about an hour long in total. The doctor was a very nice man. I've been really impressed with the doctors involved in the Transgender world. They're always so kind and understanding and they really know their stuff- you can tell they care about you and aren't just doing this for extra money. And I really appreciate that. Even my family doctor cares and it's technically not his job to do so, but he's fully supportive and everything. I'm not used to such kind people, especially in the medical field, so I'm always surprised when a nurse or a doctor or an intern is so friendly and caring. Anyways, the Endocrinologist and I talked for a really long time, he wanted to quiz me to see what I knew to make sure this is really what I wanted. He said I was well informed so I was glad to hear that. I felt like I was being put on the spot when he asked me all those questions so I stumbled a bit on my words- it's mostly because when I'm asked serious questions, my mind decides to go blank... It's quite annoying... Regardless! He gave me my prescription for Androjel and I thank Damien for suggesting it to me that long time ago when we talked on Skype for the first time. It was such a reliever when he mentioned it to me since I am so terribly afraid of needles. And I always make sure that my doctors know as well lol. But yeah, he gave me the prescription and I got it two days later and started on the 23rd. The reason why I chose the 23rd is because it's my favorite number, so I decided it would be neat to have my anniversaries on that day. 

There's not too many changes so far (as expected lol) but I have noticed that I am a lot more hungry- which is really good! And my mood has improved quite a bit. I always get giddy and excited putting on my Androjel in the morning lol. And I have a bit more energy as well. My throat has been sore lately, but I'm not sure if that has anything to do with it- it might just be a cold, but it is helping me talk a bit lower naturally. Oh and.... acneeeeee everywherrreeeeeee. Well... everywhere on my face that is. I've broken out so bad haha. Thing is I was on my period when I started so I was broken out to begin with, but then it got worse after I started my Testosterone... Oh well, I was expecting it anyways lol. It just makes me more self conscious though, but I don't go anywhere, so it's not too big of a deal lmao.  Oh and last Thursday, I went to Edmonton to see Simonne- she's an intern at the gender clinic there if you don't remember her. It was just to check in and do updates and stuff. She also confirmed that the surgeon did get the referral for my mastectomy, so that's really good to hear. I haven't decided when to get my other surgeries yet thus far though, but Simonne said I could take my time with that anyhow, so all is good there.

I also wanted to mention that I got some bad news.... the secretary from my home schooling program phoned me early last month to inform me that I am only able to work with the school until I am 20, which I will be at the exact end of August. This means that I have until then to graduate- which also means I have to finish a whole grade and a half in four months.... It's... stressful. But the school is trying really hard to help me get my diploma, so I need to pull my weight of the bargain as well! I passed my Math final, it was surprisingly easy compared to what I thought it would be. It took me too hours to do though. I also finished my Abnormal Psychology- I definitely learned a lot from that course! And currently I'm on Social 30-2 (which is grade 12 social)

They've given me a study booklet and are going to have me write the English 30-2 exam on it's own. So no course work or anything. And I have to do my Social and another Math as well T-T. I can't remember if they're going to just boot me up to a 30 level Math as well or not. You only need grade 11 Math to graduate though. From then on it's just extra course work to get the credits needed for the diploma. Jeeze, so much work to do... Oh well. Gotta work really hard Sora!!

I like to watch this for motivation when I get too overwhelmed!