Softly breathing out your name.

Can't believe I forgot to post here sooner. The last entry I made was over a month ago and now May is already coming to an end soon. I suppose it's because every day that passes is almost the exact same as the previous, but I'm sure I've talked about that before so I will move on. 

This was the first time in two years that I've finally been well enough to attend Otafest.  For those that don't know, Otafest is an anime convention held every year in Calgary. I went in '09 and '10 but after that I fell ill so I couldn't go to the other ones.  I went as Ciel Phantomhive from Black Butler and I had so much fun I don't think I could really describe it to you. This was Otafest's 15th anniversary and it, by far, has been my favorite one to participate in. For me to dress up and cosplay as Ciel was like putting all of my insecurities and problems in a bag and leaving them at home while my mum and I drove to Calgary. It was a huge relief from everything and all of my worries.  It was so nice.  To be honest, this year, it was like dressing up as a celebrity. A lot of people told me I was the best Ciel there, so it proved to me that I did a really good job. I tried so hard because I wanted it to be great TvT It was kind of weird having people fangirl over me though. I would hear my name in the distance and turn around and wave at the girls and they'd go, "EEEEEEEEEEEHEEEHEHEHE"  I wasn't sure what to do except to laugh. And despite the outfit, many people recognized that I WAS A GUY IT WAS TERRIFIC. There was one group of girls that stated that they weren't sure so I told them I was a guy and they suddenly got super excited o__o 'OH MY GOSH IT'S A MALE CIEL OMFGS;LDFJA;SDLKFJ" It was crazy!! I didn't take it in as a narcissistic way, but in the sense that I made all of these people (mostly girls) really happy and so that made me feel good ^^  There was a girl that came running from like... maybe a mile away (or more) screaming at me, "CIEL I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE HUGS BUT I WANNA HUG YOU SO BAD" So I opened my arms wide and I honestly think I made that girl's day. I have a picture with her on my facebook. I think she was supposed to be China from Hetalia. But she was just BEAMING, it was so nice. I feel all fuzzy and warm inside thinking about Otafest, I had such a good time haha. 

I also met a girl in the vendor room and I gave her my e-mail, but she never mailed me... It was kind of disappointing because she was really nice and cute.  I THINK she said her name was Hikiko, but it was really loud, so I could be wrong. Maybe she forgot about it or maybe I wrote my e-mail wrong, I'll never know lol. I met another girl though, she's half Italian/half Japanese, I met her through Instagram because I posted a picture of my cosplay and she said she was upset because she never saw me, so we exchanged numbers and we text now, she's a really neat person and is super infatuated with visual kei which I admire so much you have no idea. She lives in Calgary though and I lack a vehicle, so I'm not sure the chances of us ever meeting .__. She wants me to go to Animethon in August (it's in Edmonton) I'm not sure if I'll go, but I suppose only time will tell. 

Gosh I've said a lot about the con haven't I? It was just a fantastic experience <: I think I'll stay with my Ciel cosplay for future Otafests though, I don't feel the need to get something else like I did with my previous outfits. 

I don't really have much to say about my general life I don't think, but I've become a lot more positive with the "negative" changes of my transition that I mentioned before. I was 48kg, but my hunger has FINALLY evened out so I'm down to 45-46kg which I am now comfortable with. Sleep is still super iffy, but whatever. I've gotten used to the acne and even though it's not improving any, it's not getting any worse either. I'm getting more leg hair and it's darker too, it's kinda neat. I'm getting a moustache too! I'm not letting it grow out yet though because that will look really terrible xD No beard hair though. My hands have grown I noticed- at least my thumbs have haha. And I have actually grown a whole inch in height!! I am exactly 5 feet now (153cm) And I wasn't supposed to grow at all, so that just gives me a whole world of joy. My hair is super oily now though .__.

Uhm with regards to school, I talked to my principal....two weeks ago? and she said if I keep a steady pace, I will be able to graduate at the end of August :D

The only problem is that since then, I have fallen two weeks behind (OOPS) But I'm trying to catch up now. I have Social and English I have to finish by June. Well mostly Social because I only have to study and watch a movie for English. And then I have Math (yay....) and extra courses to finish by August.

It seems like I can finally see the faint glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

Hold me Higher

It has been sunny recently, so I decided to take pictures outside and I met up with my neighbour's cat, Hope. She's a very beautiful and sweet cat. You can't help but get all gushy and happy every time you see her. We were out back behind the garage, she's sitting on the bed of my truck.

Well here's to a more than much needed update. To be honest, for the longest while I wasn't sure what to say anymore. Nothing new was happening and all my feelings were the same, sometimes it got worse, so I wasn't quite in the mood to talk about it.

I just want to let you know that recently I've been doing a lot better. I don't feel the need to starve myself to the point of nauseousness anymore. Well no... That's a lie. I do still feel like I need to, but now I can fight it. I can tell that strange voice in my head to screw off and I'll just eat whatever the hell I want. I know I need to gain weight, but it's a fear of mine all the same. I've sort of been neglecting myself when it comes to weighing my body, but I'm just afraid that if I see the numbers on the scale, that it will illicit a bad reaction from me again and I don't want that to happen. So for now I won't weigh myself. I might on April 23rd though because that will mark the first month of me being on Testosterone. Yep! I finally started it. The Endocrinologist phoned me for an appointment on March 20th in Calgary and the appointment was about an hour long in total. The doctor was a very nice man. I've been really impressed with the doctors involved in the Transgender world. They're always so kind and understanding and they really know their stuff- you can tell they care about you and aren't just doing this for extra money. And I really appreciate that. Even my family doctor cares and it's technically not his job to do so, but he's fully supportive and everything. I'm not used to such kind people, especially in the medical field, so I'm always surprised when a nurse or a doctor or an intern is so friendly and caring. Anyways, the Endocrinologist and I talked for a really long time, he wanted to quiz me to see what I knew to make sure this is really what I wanted. He said I was well informed so I was glad to hear that. I felt like I was being put on the spot when he asked me all those questions so I stumbled a bit on my words- it's mostly because when I'm asked serious questions, my mind decides to go blank... It's quite annoying... Regardless! He gave me my prescription for Androjel and I thank Damien for suggesting it to me that long time ago when we talked on Skype for the first time. It was such a reliever when he mentioned it to me since I am so terribly afraid of needles. And I always make sure that my doctors know as well lol. But yeah, he gave me the prescription and I got it two days later and started on the 23rd. The reason why I chose the 23rd is because it's my favorite number, so I decided it would be neat to have my anniversaries on that day. 

There's not too many changes so far (as expected lol) but I have noticed that I am a lot more hungry- which is really good! And my mood has improved quite a bit. I always get giddy and excited putting on my Androjel in the morning lol. And I have a bit more energy as well. My throat has been sore lately, but I'm not sure if that has anything to do with it- it might just be a cold, but it is helping me talk a bit lower naturally. Oh and.... acneeeeee everywherrreeeeeee. Well... everywhere on my face that is. I've broken out so bad haha. Thing is I was on my period when I started so I was broken out to begin with, but then it got worse after I started my Testosterone... Oh well, I was expecting it anyways lol. It just makes me more self conscious though, but I don't go anywhere, so it's not too big of a deal lmao.  Oh and last Thursday, I went to Edmonton to see Simonne- she's an intern at the gender clinic there if you don't remember her. It was just to check in and do updates and stuff. She also confirmed that the surgeon did get the referral for my mastectomy, so that's really good to hear. I haven't decided when to get my other surgeries yet thus far though, but Simonne said I could take my time with that anyhow, so all is good there.

I also wanted to mention that I got some bad news.... the secretary from my home schooling program phoned me early last month to inform me that I am only able to work with the school until I am 20, which I will be at the exact end of August. This means that I have until then to graduate- which also means I have to finish a whole grade and a half in four months.... It's... stressful. But the school is trying really hard to help me get my diploma, so I need to pull my weight of the bargain as well! I passed my Math final, it was surprisingly easy compared to what I thought it would be. It took me too hours to do though. I also finished my Abnormal Psychology- I definitely learned a lot from that course! And currently I'm on Social 30-2 (which is grade 12 social)

They've given me a study booklet and are going to have me write the English 30-2 exam on it's own. So no course work or anything. And I have to do my Social and another Math as well T-T. I can't remember if they're going to just boot me up to a 30 level Math as well or not. You only need grade 11 Math to graduate though. From then on it's just extra course work to get the credits needed for the diploma. Jeeze, so much work to do... Oh well. Gotta work really hard Sora!!

I like to watch this for motivation when I get too overwhelmed!