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Uhm... So my first month on Testosterone has passed by and very quickly at that. I don't like the extra acne, the even less hours of sleep, and the further weakening of my vocal chords, but these are all things that can be solved easily, so I don't see them as a huge deal. The acne can be treated, I could just go to bed earlier, and look up vocal exercises on the internet. \'--'/ Big whoop lol. I am sort of having trouble getting used to the weight gain still. I might be 46 kgs now, but I could be wrong. It just freaks me out because my face has filled out and my skinny jeans are a bit tougher to get into- plus I got a bit of a paunch trying to show up on my stomach- It all gets the voices at the back of my head screaming crazy tyrants and insults at me, but I'm trying to ignore them the best I can. There's nothing wrong with being 45 or 46 or even 50 kgs Sora... you need to keep that in mind please. I want this change so badly, I refuse to give up on it. Regardless of those downsides, the positives definitely outweigh the negatives. Just in general, I'm so much happier than what I used to be. It has me wishing hopefully that maybe I'll be able to size down on how much medication I take, but if I don't get to that point, I'm fine with that too. I saw Simmone in Edmonton last month and she said that Dr. Warneke had sent a referral to the surgeon for my top surgery as well. I didn't think he would have done that right away since that was the first time I had ever seen Dr. Warneke, but he did it. And if I don't hear from the surgeon by May, Simmone said I could phone the hospital to ask if they got the referral or not. The waiting list is two years long, but it's all paid for! So I think it's work the wait.
Lately I've also been feeling overwhelmed with school work. It just keeps coming in and in and I feel like I'm hardly making any progress. It's stupid too because, when I get overwhelmed, then I don't want to do it and if I don't do it, the work will just pile up more.... My brain seems to forget common sense a lot. I just want to leave already and get a job and have my own place and be an adult already. I shouldn't be in such a rush, it honestly isn't a fun life being an adult, but I want to try to be independent. I want to leave the nest so to speak and make my mark on the world. I want to prove that I can be better than the rest of my family. I just have this insatiable urge to "be the best" Sometimes I feel like my dad's branch of the Simpson family is looked down upon by his brothers and sisters and such. We were never as "successful" as they all are. We're not rich, we don't have big fancy trucks or cars. We're hardly even scraping by and I feel really judged by that. I shouldn't let that bother me, but I hate how they look down on us. Nick went to college, but what is he doing? Living in my mother's basement working at a gas station. Matt might be in jail next month- I'll say that much. So he's not too fair off. I just want to prove that my dad's family is just as fucking good as they are. And I want my mum and dad to be proud. Because they did a damn good job raising us (my mum would say otherwise about my dad, but I think he did great with what he could) And I want proof of that. I wanna show them that they did good. Really badly. I don't need to be stinking rich like them, but I just want to be successful. That's all. But in the end that might be too much to ask for. However, I still want to try.
Sora might need a haircut soon- maybe just a trim...
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