He Who Laughs Last

I should be working on my Social Studies, but I think it can wait long enough for me to update since I do so very rarely. 
I'm coming up to my third month on Testosterone and everything is quite good. I began using a clay mask every day and night for my face and... well it's not getting any better, but it's not getting any worse either, so I suppose that's alright by me lol.  So now the only thing that really irks me is my vocal chords. They're increasingly weaker since my voice is forever changing, but maybe once my voice levels out, I'll start vocal exercises to strengthen it again.  Apparently I'm at the point where I sound different on the phone, which I'm super happy about.
I haven't talked to my Father in a very long time and he phoned me last week on my mobile- it was pretty funny, I must say. It went a little something like:
"Hello?"
"....Hello.... Is Selina there?"
"Speaking."
".............What!?!?!"
"Yeah."
"Jeeze, you sound worse than I do!!"
I thought it was hilarious haha. But we talked for a while and updated on everything. He's still shocked over the whole "Transgender thing" but he says that he's still accepting no matter what.
It's just that Mum and Dad always wanted a little girl and I was kinda the whole "miracle child" because of Mum's health complications and then later on, I turn around and come out as Trans. So yeah.... But like I said, he accepts me and still loves me no matter what, so that's all that really matters to me C:  Regardless I'm sort of mad with him right now because he filed an affidavit on my Mother.  Mum said I'm not allowed to have an opinion on it because it is strictly between her and him, but I can't help myself you know? I mean, it's really understandable in why he filed it. He over payed on child support for Nick and I because Mum didn't cancel it when we turned 18, but I remember him saying that he would never make a fuss about it because we are his kids and he knows that the money is going towards helping Nick and I. Mum isn't abusing it, she never has, and after I explained that to Dad, he said that he wouldn't do anything about it. But now all of a sudden he's turned around and is suing Mum. So in short, I feel betrayed, but to be honest, I think he's doing it because he doesn't really have any money and he needs to pay bills and such. Despite that I'm still kind of mad, but I don't love him any less. At this point, I'm sort of just waiting for a phone call that he's in the hospital or that he's passed on because of his health and so I don't want to be mad at him. The thing that really annoys me though is that his OWN SISTER, is charging him SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS A MONTH for RENT. And Dad is only getting $800 for disability. I could never do that to my own brother(s). Never ever. And my Aunt and Uncle have their house paid off, so that's just money in their pocket.  My Uncle is retired so he gets pension or whichever it's called and my Aunt still works... So simply put, I'm not particularly impressed with those two....
Eh... A lot of negative things are happening this month and it keeps piling up and it's terrible.  The only good thing is that I am done my diploma exams and I will only have to write one more final at the end of August. 
But that's the only good thing. 

I won't go into TOO much detail right now because then this entry would be a mile long no doubt, but in total:
-I have 8 courses to finish before the end of August.
-Dad has filed this Affidavit thing
-We're going bankrupt
-We're going to have to start selling our things
-Mum can hardly pay the bills
-Groceries are difficult to come by because of lack of money
-We might have to sell the house and move into an extremely small mobile home
-If we keep the house, we'll be kicked onto the street in less than a year
-My counsin Micheal is in the hospital because he's suicidal   
And a lot of other minor things I won't bother to mention. But I'm quite reasonably stressed about all of this. And I'm stuck here at home letting it all bottle up because I can't do anything about it.

Life is really getting hard and all I can do is complain about it because I can't fix anything...

Softly breathing out your name.

Can't believe I forgot to post here sooner. The last entry I made was over a month ago and now May is already coming to an end soon. I suppose it's because every day that passes is almost the exact same as the previous, but I'm sure I've talked about that before so I will move on. 

This was the first time in two years that I've finally been well enough to attend Otafest.  For those that don't know, Otafest is an anime convention held every year in Calgary. I went in '09 and '10 but after that I fell ill so I couldn't go to the other ones.  I went as Ciel Phantomhive from Black Butler and I had so much fun I don't think I could really describe it to you. This was Otafest's 15th anniversary and it, by far, has been my favorite one to participate in. For me to dress up and cosplay as Ciel was like putting all of my insecurities and problems in a bag and leaving them at home while my mum and I drove to Calgary. It was a huge relief from everything and all of my worries.  It was so nice.  To be honest, this year, it was like dressing up as a celebrity. A lot of people told me I was the best Ciel there, so it proved to me that I did a really good job. I tried so hard because I wanted it to be great TvT It was kind of weird having people fangirl over me though. I would hear my name in the distance and turn around and wave at the girls and they'd go, "EEEEEEEEEEEHEEEHEHEHE"  I wasn't sure what to do except to laugh. And despite the outfit, many people recognized that I WAS A GUY IT WAS TERRIFIC. There was one group of girls that stated that they weren't sure so I told them I was a guy and they suddenly got super excited o__o 'OH MY GOSH IT'S A MALE CIEL OMFGS;LDFJA;SDLKFJ" It was crazy!! I didn't take it in as a narcissistic way, but in the sense that I made all of these people (mostly girls) really happy and so that made me feel good ^^  There was a girl that came running from like... maybe a mile away (or more) screaming at me, "CIEL I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE HUGS BUT I WANNA HUG YOU SO BAD" So I opened my arms wide and I honestly think I made that girl's day. I have a picture with her on my facebook. I think she was supposed to be China from Hetalia. But she was just BEAMING, it was so nice. I feel all fuzzy and warm inside thinking about Otafest, I had such a good time haha. 

I also met a girl in the vendor room and I gave her my e-mail, but she never mailed me... It was kind of disappointing because she was really nice and cute.  I THINK she said her name was Hikiko, but it was really loud, so I could be wrong. Maybe she forgot about it or maybe I wrote my e-mail wrong, I'll never know lol. I met another girl though, she's half Italian/half Japanese, I met her through Instagram because I posted a picture of my cosplay and she said she was upset because she never saw me, so we exchanged numbers and we text now, she's a really neat person and is super infatuated with visual kei which I admire so much you have no idea. She lives in Calgary though and I lack a vehicle, so I'm not sure the chances of us ever meeting .__. She wants me to go to Animethon in August (it's in Edmonton) I'm not sure if I'll go, but I suppose only time will tell. 

Gosh I've said a lot about the con haven't I? It was just a fantastic experience <: I think I'll stay with my Ciel cosplay for future Otafests though, I don't feel the need to get something else like I did with my previous outfits. 

I don't really have much to say about my general life I don't think, but I've become a lot more positive with the "negative" changes of my transition that I mentioned before. I was 48kg, but my hunger has FINALLY evened out so I'm down to 45-46kg which I am now comfortable with. Sleep is still super iffy, but whatever. I've gotten used to the acne and even though it's not improving any, it's not getting any worse either. I'm getting more leg hair and it's darker too, it's kinda neat. I'm getting a moustache too! I'm not letting it grow out yet though because that will look really terrible xD No beard hair though. My hands have grown I noticed- at least my thumbs have haha. And I have actually grown a whole inch in height!! I am exactly 5 feet now (153cm) And I wasn't supposed to grow at all, so that just gives me a whole world of joy. My hair is super oily now though .__.

Uhm with regards to school, I talked to my principal....two weeks ago? and she said if I keep a steady pace, I will be able to graduate at the end of August :D

The only problem is that since then, I have fallen two weeks behind (OOPS) But I'm trying to catch up now. I have Social and English I have to finish by June. Well mostly Social because I only have to study and watch a movie for English. And then I have Math (yay....) and extra courses to finish by August.

It seems like I can finally see the faint glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

Sleep with one eye open

Alright, not quite sure what's going on with the formatting of my blog right now, so please bear with me if it's a little weird. I didn't know that the last post didn't change the font color like it should have automatically, but it is fixed. Good thing they have a highlighting tool hey?
Uhm... So my first month on Testosterone has passed by and very quickly at that.  I don't like the extra acne, the even less hours of sleep, and the further weakening of my vocal chords, but these are all things that can be solved easily, so I don't see them as a huge deal. The acne can be treated, I could just go to bed earlier, and look up vocal exercises on the internet. \'--'/ Big whoop lol. I am sort of having trouble getting used to the weight gain still. I might be 46 kgs now, but I could be wrong. It just freaks me out because my face has filled out and my skinny jeans are a bit tougher to get into- plus I got a bit of a paunch trying to show up on my stomach- It all gets the voices at the back of my head screaming crazy tyrants and insults at me, but I'm trying to ignore them the best I can. There's nothing wrong with being 45 or 46 or even 50 kgs Sora... you need to keep that in mind please.  I want this change so badly, I refuse to give up on it. Regardless of those downsides, the positives definitely outweigh the negatives. Just in general, I'm so much happier than what I used to be. It has me wishing hopefully that maybe I'll be able to size down on how much medication I take, but if I don't get to that point, I'm fine with that too.  I saw Simmone in Edmonton last month and she said that Dr. Warneke had sent a referral to the surgeon for my top surgery as well. I didn't think he would have done that right away since that was the first time I had ever seen Dr. Warneke, but he did it. And if I don't hear from the surgeon by May, Simmone said I could phone the hospital to ask if they got the referral or not. The waiting list is two years long, but it's all paid for! So I think it's work the wait.

Lately I've also been feeling overwhelmed with school work. It just keeps coming in and in and I feel like I'm hardly making any progress. It's stupid too because, when I get overwhelmed, then I don't want to do it and if I don't do it, the work will just pile up more.... My brain seems to forget common sense a lot. I just want to leave already and get a job and have my own place and be an adult already. I shouldn't be in such a rush, it honestly isn't a fun life being an adult, but I want to try to be independent. I want to leave the nest so to speak and make my mark on the world. I want to prove that I can be better than the rest of my family. I just have this insatiable urge to "be the best" Sometimes I feel like my dad's branch of the Simpson family is looked down upon by his brothers and sisters and such. We were never as "successful" as they all are. We're not rich, we don't have big fancy trucks or cars. We're hardly even scraping by and I feel really judged by that. I shouldn't let that bother me, but I hate how they look down on us. Nick went to college, but what is he doing? Living in my mother's basement working at a gas station. Matt might be in jail next month- I'll say that much. So he's not too fair off. I just want to prove that my dad's family is just as fucking good as they are. And I want my mum and dad to be proud. Because they did a damn good job raising us (my mum would say otherwise about my dad, but I think he did great with what he could) And I want proof of that. I wanna show them that they did good. Really badly. I don't need to be stinking rich like them, but I just want to be successful. That's all. But in the end that might be too much to ask for.  However, I still want to try.


Sora might need a haircut soon- maybe just a trim...

Hold me Higher

It has been sunny recently, so I decided to take pictures outside and I met up with my neighbour's cat, Hope. She's a very beautiful and sweet cat. You can't help but get all gushy and happy every time you see her. We were out back behind the garage, she's sitting on the bed of my truck.

Well here's to a more than much needed update. To be honest, for the longest while I wasn't sure what to say anymore. Nothing new was happening and all my feelings were the same, sometimes it got worse, so I wasn't quite in the mood to talk about it.

I just want to let you know that recently I've been doing a lot better. I don't feel the need to starve myself to the point of nauseousness anymore. Well no... That's a lie. I do still feel like I need to, but now I can fight it. I can tell that strange voice in my head to screw off and I'll just eat whatever the hell I want. I know I need to gain weight, but it's a fear of mine all the same. I've sort of been neglecting myself when it comes to weighing my body, but I'm just afraid that if I see the numbers on the scale, that it will illicit a bad reaction from me again and I don't want that to happen. So for now I won't weigh myself. I might on April 23rd though because that will mark the first month of me being on Testosterone. Yep! I finally started it. The Endocrinologist phoned me for an appointment on March 20th in Calgary and the appointment was about an hour long in total. The doctor was a very nice man. I've been really impressed with the doctors involved in the Transgender world. They're always so kind and understanding and they really know their stuff- you can tell they care about you and aren't just doing this for extra money. And I really appreciate that. Even my family doctor cares and it's technically not his job to do so, but he's fully supportive and everything. I'm not used to such kind people, especially in the medical field, so I'm always surprised when a nurse or a doctor or an intern is so friendly and caring. Anyways, the Endocrinologist and I talked for a really long time, he wanted to quiz me to see what I knew to make sure this is really what I wanted. He said I was well informed so I was glad to hear that. I felt like I was being put on the spot when he asked me all those questions so I stumbled a bit on my words- it's mostly because when I'm asked serious questions, my mind decides to go blank... It's quite annoying... Regardless! He gave me my prescription for Androjel and I thank Damien for suggesting it to me that long time ago when we talked on Skype for the first time. It was such a reliever when he mentioned it to me since I am so terribly afraid of needles. And I always make sure that my doctors know as well lol. But yeah, he gave me the prescription and I got it two days later and started on the 23rd. The reason why I chose the 23rd is because it's my favorite number, so I decided it would be neat to have my anniversaries on that day. 

There's not too many changes so far (as expected lol) but I have noticed that I am a lot more hungry- which is really good! And my mood has improved quite a bit. I always get giddy and excited putting on my Androjel in the morning lol. And I have a bit more energy as well. My throat has been sore lately, but I'm not sure if that has anything to do with it- it might just be a cold, but it is helping me talk a bit lower naturally. Oh and.... acneeeeee everywherrreeeeeee. Well... everywhere on my face that is. I've broken out so bad haha. Thing is I was on my period when I started so I was broken out to begin with, but then it got worse after I started my Testosterone... Oh well, I was expecting it anyways lol. It just makes me more self conscious though, but I don't go anywhere, so it's not too big of a deal lmao.  Oh and last Thursday, I went to Edmonton to see Simonne- she's an intern at the gender clinic there if you don't remember her. It was just to check in and do updates and stuff. She also confirmed that the surgeon did get the referral for my mastectomy, so that's really good to hear. I haven't decided when to get my other surgeries yet thus far though, but Simonne said I could take my time with that anyhow, so all is good there.

I also wanted to mention that I got some bad news.... the secretary from my home schooling program phoned me early last month to inform me that I am only able to work with the school until I am 20, which I will be at the exact end of August. This means that I have until then to graduate- which also means I have to finish a whole grade and a half in four months.... It's... stressful. But the school is trying really hard to help me get my diploma, so I need to pull my weight of the bargain as well! I passed my Math final, it was surprisingly easy compared to what I thought it would be. It took me too hours to do though. I also finished my Abnormal Psychology- I definitely learned a lot from that course! And currently I'm on Social 30-2 (which is grade 12 social)

They've given me a study booklet and are going to have me write the English 30-2 exam on it's own. So no course work or anything. And I have to do my Social and another Math as well T-T. I can't remember if they're going to just boot me up to a 30 level Math as well or not. You only need grade 11 Math to graduate though. From then on it's just extra course work to get the credits needed for the diploma. Jeeze, so much work to do... Oh well. Gotta work really hard Sora!!

I like to watch this for motivation when I get too overwhelmed!

Of distant car horns...

Not quite sure what to post for a photo, so here have a recent drawing of mine. I've come a long way from when I first started taking drawing seriously and forming it into a hobby of mine. I can't draw on paper worth shit anymore though. 

This post will probably be completely full with negativity, so be warned.

All my thoughts have been negative lately, I can't come to bring myself out of it. Everything seems to not be going well and as soon as it turns to a brighter corner, it all collapses again. I just want to hurt and starve and destroy myself. I'm so tired.

I hate my body so much, I just want this weight to go away. But no matter what I do, it just stays the same or I gain more. What else should I do?
To get these bags ridden of? The unwanted and excessities that shouldn't be there. I want to see my bones.

I've heard of middle-child syndrome, do they have a youngest-child syndrome too? Where the first born is the most perfect creation your parents have ever made and the youngest will never ever be able to live up to those expectations, no matter how hard they try? 

If there is such a thing, I think I have it. But I think I cause it more so than my family does. I am my worst enemy, I'll admit it. I got my report card today and I suppose I'm really sensitive over my marks. 80's in Psychology and Forensics, but only 65 in Mathematics. Mum praised me for the first two, but I got pissed because it's nothing to be happy over really. The Math says otherwise. My marks aren't something to be happy over. Psychology and Forensics don't mean anything in the real world. All they focus on are the 4 cores. That's why they're called "core" because that's what you need in order to expand and make anything of yourself. That's why the other classes are called "extras" They don't mean anything but points in order for you to graduate. It's not fair really, people say I'm smart and brilliant, but when you look at the marks, they say otherwise. I'm not smart. I'm not brilliant. I am definitely not above average. It's all lies. It won't all be okay. It won't be alright. It just won't. The world isn't kind to the ill-minded. If you're stupid, you're going to be poor and not be able to make ends meet and you're just going to die an old, lonely, miserable soul. 

That's reality.

That's what people are so afraid of.
That's what they try to lie about. To hide the truth from us and say, "hey if you try hard, you can do it. If you give it your best, that's all that matters"
Except that's not how life works.
You can try and try all you bloody well want, but if you don't meet the standards or the expectations, you're rotten meat. You're a bag. You're a waste of space, skin, and existence.

And that's all I am. I'm not as smart as Nick. I'm not as resourceful as Matt. I'm not a hard worker like Mum or Dad. 
I'm none of that.
And no matter how hard I try, no matter if I give it my best shot. I'll never live up to those expectations. I'll never make it. I'll never achieve anything. 

I'm sorry but no one can tell me different. No one can sugar coat it for me and say that things will get better or improve. No one can tell me that I'm not trying hard enough. 
They don't know the pain I've gone through in order to just get this far. 
How much I've struggled, how much I've hurt, how much I've been yelled at.
Nor will I say the details in which this happened to me.
I don't want pity. I don't want sympathy.
I just want to go away now.

But I can't even do that.