Did I have it and lose it?

S'cuse me while I stuff my face with rice. I still haven't been feeling that great lately. Still have a cold, plus womanhood revealed itself on Monday so now I have to deal with that too. Really wish I could have my testosterone already. But I have a few months to wait yet.

I'm single once again. That didn't last long did it? Megan...  I'm not sure how to explain it really. Recently she's been hanging out with a drug addict- I'm wondering if she's been taking drugs with him too. Her behaviour has been really sporadic and dangerous. She was constantly threatening Scott and Kelsey and everyone at her work was terrified of her. Kelsey  was afraid to be alone with Megan. So Scott had no choice but to kick her out. She... seriously stated that she wanted to kill a cat and wanted to go dig up a baby's grave... all for cigarettes. She won't let Scott take her to the ward in Medicine Hat or Calgary because she thinks she's completely fine. She's also been frolicking around with this Matthew guy she's known for a long time. She might have some actual STD's as well... So I'm very glad that our relationship didn't become sexual. That could have been a real mess. So she's forgotten all about me, so I suppose I'm "off the hook" so to speak. After a while it didn't really feel like we were in a relationship anymore anyways. I knew something was up when I began to feel that. I always get strange feelings about this sort of thing when my relationship with someone is suddenly about to end.

Too be honest, I kind of miss Danielle. She was always easy to talk to, I felt like I genuinely cared about her. I actually didn't mind calling her "babe" or any other pet name and I enjoyed our conversations when I was upset. What I liked most was making her feel like someone cared for her. She didn't think she was capable of having someone actually love her, but I did. At the time I suppose. I always end up missing the person who hurts me. I still miss the other one. I hate going to Medicine Hat in fear of seeing him... But I don't really want to talk about him. When stuff like this happens, I don't actually feel hurt, like I should cry or feel sad. I don't feel that, but I say they hurt me because I know a normal person would be upset over it. That it should hurt, even though it doesn't. Maybe I have a problem with my feelings when it comes to other people... Who knows.

Mum had me weigh myself the other day and I didn't show it, but I was very terrified. The scale said I was 45kgs... I have never been that heavy in my life. I couldn't bring myself to really eat for a few days after that. I weighed myself yesterday and it said I was 44kgs, so I do feel better about that. It's just I shouldn't feel that way though. I should have been happy seeing that 45 on the scale. I feel happy when I can see my bones. I love seeing the scars on my body and I wish I had more. I'm not terribly underweight for my size, but I wish I was. And that's not right. Do I enjoy being sick? Do I like being unhealthy? Do I want to hurt myself? I'm starting to wonder.

My head is in such a mess.

I swerve out of control

Yeah, my hair is long enough for my cat ears again! Not that you can really see them haha. And I've dyed my hair black again. It feels good to be back home haha. Black feels more natural to have than my actual brown hair. Just feels like it suits me more. Lately... I'm not quite sure what my "problem" is. It might be a flu that I can't seem to get rid of. I keep sneezing, sometimes my throat is sore, and all I seem to want to do is sleep. I'll go to bed at 21.00 and won't get up until 16.00 the next day. It's crazy. But because of that, I haven't even been looking at my school work, not even my abnormal psychology- which I love. So I don't think my councillor will be too happy about that come Monday when I see her again. I can't believe it's 2013 already. I'm going to be 20 this year. I can't wrap my head around that either. I guess it's because I never thought I was going to reach this age. Always pretending that I'd reach 18 and stop there. If only, hey? To be honest, I don't have much else to write about. This is basically all that's been happening to me recently. I've gotten into drawing a bit again, so that's a good sign. To be doing a habit I used to do all the time. 

I've noticed that I actually feel more comfortable with having my picture taken. I'm not so self-conscious about the way I look. "Oh am I pretty enough?" "Is my skin okay?" "What about my hair?"

Now I'm just, "Look at the camera and smile, Sora!" And I think my pictures look great too. Even the ones I don't take. There's one that my mum took at xmas and I love it, even though my complexion was really bad haha. Speaking of which, my skin has finally improved a lot. I bought a new cleanser- Neutrogena- and it works awesomely. I gotta use it twice a day every day though. If I don't, then more acne shows up the next day .__. 

I think for now I'm going to let my hair grow out, mostly in the back, kind of like how you usually see the members in visual kei and oshare kei bands... kinda like a mullet... I guess... Just not like a redneck D: I miss dressing similar to those Japanese styles. I never went all out because of lack of money and resources lol. But just because I'm a guy now, doesn't mean I have to stop that, right? Right. I just want to watch that I don't look too feminine. And besides, it's the males who pull off the style the best! >:D So why not, if I miss it? I'm not gonna get into the excessive eye liner, etc, though. I still wanna look a bit masculine, yeah?

I don't think Scott's idea of me moving in with him is gonna happen. A little let down about that, but not the end of the world. I don't mind, honestly. I'd be too much of a mooch anyways haha. 

Well, without further adieu, I bid you all good night~

And love always.