I don't feel 19.

Everybody seems to want a reason for everything. Solutions are so much easier to figure out with someone or something to blame. But I have always struggled at the root of the problem. Has it been my absence or my constant lack of defence? I have never spent a lot on finding a remedy. I guess I just figured that it hurt for a reason. I guess that's why I've always turned to writing it down. Not just in stories, but the letters in between. And I guess that's why it haunts the pages of everything. In order to self-examine. I think the thing is that I shut off from everything. From friends, family, my own ambitions, from having fun, and so many other things. I just shut off from everything. Am I self-defeating? Yeah, probably. But I didn't know that I had total control over it. And I'm not sure it even matters why. Sometimes things happen and you can't do anything about it. Plus, I'm the only one who deals with it anyway. So, if everyone could do me a favour and just look away, put their fingers down, and keep their mouths shut. 

Sorry I know I seem angry, but I'm not, I promise. I just know I did this to me and I will have to deal with it accordingly. And I don't need opinions from those who were never a part of it. I don't need them pointing out my problems, they are mine. I don't need reminders, I know better about them than anyone. And yeah I know, I should be finding another way. I know that I should be out seeking a substitute. But just forgetting about everything never really made sense to me. So I haven't been. Do I feel embarrassed about it? I think you know the answer to that. And I think you would probably feel a little bit embarrassed for me, wouldn't you?See, I can tell. I know I should have moved on ages ago and been happy already, but it's just never been that easy for me. Or maybe it could have been me that made it so hard. I know I've only ever tried a handful of times to sever this thing torturing me. It never got me anywhere with anyone. No friendship or hobby, no lover's bed fixed the problem, or at least made things easier. But looking back, I probably never tried hard enough. And it is my fault.

Maybe I never tried at all.

It's been a while.

Well that was me on the air plane when I was returning home from my holiday. Over all it went really well. Better than I expected really, despite the poor weather. My mum complained about it the whole time, but I honestly thought it was great. It was a very nice break from the 30+ degrees we've had in Alberta. While I was in Newfoundland, my depression lowered like you wouldn't believe and I was eating lots and sleeping lots. It was very relaxing and it made me realize how much I missed my Nan and Pop. When I saw them at the air port in St. John's, I almost wanted to cry. I'm so emotional since the Panic Disorder started. It's extremely easily to make me cry- whether it be happily or sadly. I wish I had better control over it though. I bonded a lot with my Pop this year. This trip, I decided that I would try to be social and kind to everyone every chance I got. And I did it! My Pop seemed very happy and so did my Nan as well. They were always hugging me and telling me how much they loved me. It was very nice. Very very nice. We didn't go to the city this time, but that's okay. My mum, Nan, and I, went to the mini mall in the next town over to go shopping. I was feeling very light headed and ill that day though, so I only got two shirts and then had to go sit down on a bench in the corridor, while I waited for my mum and Nan to finish. We then had to go home because I started feeling very anxious and uncomfortable. I think it was because I wasn't used to being at the mall. I noticed when I'm in public places that I'm unfamiliar with, my anxiety really starts acting up and it gets harder to fight. When we went the second time though, I was able to control it and buy a few things for myself and my girlfriend. We also went "Up the shore" as the Newfies say, to some little nick nack stores and bought souvenirs and such.

Since Mum and I returned on a Saturday, I decided that I should go into the woods and escape from the world for a little while- at least once before I had to leave. So that's what I did on the Friday before. Right after I ate my supper, I put my shoes on and left. I didn't say that I was going, so no one knew where I was. That made me feel very relaxed and free with myself. There's a hiking trail about five minutes from my grand parent's house. It goes deeply into the woods, almost constantly going uphill. I left the house at 6 and walked for about two hours, all the way to the end- which is called Lousy Rock. It's right across from the town's light house. I was dripping with sweat when I reached the rock and I fell on top of it and just laid there for ten minutes. Soaking in the twilight sun. Breathing in the Forest's natural perfume. Lacing the fresh salty air between my fingertips, letting it dance through my hair. At that moment I felt so accomplished. So alone. So free. So small. Surprisingly it was a nice feeling. A reassuring one. Then I realized the time and almost ran all the way back home haha. I fell once, and it bruised my knee, but I just walked it off and I was good in no time. Dark had fallen by the time I had gotten out of the woods and my mum and Pop had just pulled out of the driveway to go looking for me- then pulled back in when they saw me coming up the road haha. 

I was sore for days after that. But I wish I could do it again. I wish I lived near the forests so I could disappear within it's shelter for an hour or two. I can't even describe how surreal it was. How wonderful it was. Just to sort of- erase myself from society. I like doing that. Not in a suicidal sort of way, but in a "I want to be alone with nature" kind of way, if that makes sense. It makes me wish I was closer to finishing school. Then I'd go and apply for a job in the mountains already. 

But of course laziness solves nothing.

On another topic, I found out yesterday that my friend Scott moved to my town. We hung out and chatted with him, his girlfriend, and his family for a few hours. I felt happier than I have been since I've come back from Newfoundland. I really do enjoy Scott's friendship and his girlfriend's as well (Her name's Kelsey for future reference) Both of them have been greater friends to me than any of the friends I've had in... probably my whole lifetime. Apart from Jace and my online friends of course. So now that Jace has gone off to college, I won't be completely alone if I need someone who's around my age to just hang out with and talk about pointless and not-so-pointless things. 

If only I could keep my mood up. 

If only, if only, the wood pecker sighed.

A long road leading nowhere.

It seems that I've lost myself again. It hurts.

This Isn't Everything You Are

My thumb looks broken. Wow. Hate my digits so much.

Really hating on everything today. Nothing is right. I feel horrible and sick. My mum has been coming at me and trying to get me to make another appointment with my psychologist. She thinks I need another medication increase. I think it's high enough, but alas, my mood is horrid. Sleeping has gotten bad again, my depression is increasing again, and my appetite has decreased. I'm honestly tired of seeing doctors. I'm seeing my councillor at least on the 30th. I don't know what to talk about though. I really don't. I'm not sure what's bothering me this time. Maybe the heat, but I can't do anything about that. If the weather is above 20 degrees then I begin to stop functioning properly. I get hot extremely easily and it makes me sick. I hate what my body has become. I can only hope that it improves at least a little bit once I do start hormones, which I wish was sooner than later. I just hope I can still refrain from cutting, but the urge is getting stronger and harder to battle.

I had a strange dream last night. I'm not sure what to make of it.

I dreamt I was one of my characters from the story I had typed up a year ago. He's the antagonist. A very tall man. It was weird being up that high from the ground lol. Basically, his goal his to capture the main character, who is a 16 year old girl. She was originally his mate from her past life, but she died and now he's trying to get her back because he needs to have a child with her. Once that child is of age, it will be the key to destroying the planet and enslaving the human and demon race and yadda yadda. OVER ALL BAD GUY, OKAY? Anyways... in the dream, I was this guy, but he was still controlling himself... I guess? I mean, I couldn't do anything with the body I was in, it was as if someone else was controlling it. But I'll just refer to him as myself so it doesn't get too confusing... I hope... So in the beginning, I had just walked into a bathroom and I silently closed the door behind me. It was a rather large bathroom and I was focused on the shower, which someone was in. I walked up to it and took off all my clothes. I sighed soundlessly and somehow got into the shower without making a noise. The girl was there, rinsing out her long blue-black hair. Suddenly I rushed forward and pinned her against the shower wall. She yelled out in surprise. I wrapped my arms around her quickly and started whispering in her ear. I don't remember what I said, but she stayed as still as she could. She was shaking under me. I could smell the fear emanating off of her as I leaned down and began kissing her back, her arms, all over her neck. I heard her breathing deepen and she started to lean into me. She was so small, so soft, so fragile. After a small while, she began to moan quietly and without warning, I whipped her around to face me. She was like a frightened animal, but her pupils were dilated with lust. I gripped onto her wrists and held her tightly against the shower wall again and forced my lips against hers. She fought a bit, but she was also aware of how much stronger I was than her.  My sex had grown hard already and I teased her own with it. As soon as I touched her, she gasped into my mouth and at that moment I felt like I had lost "control" over myself. I had to be inside her. I released her arms and picked her up, wrapping her legs around my waist. I smiled and rested my forehead against hers and whispered for her to put her arms around my neck. She obeyed and I kissed her gently. Afterwards I decided to enter her and she gasped loudly as she took my rather large size. 

After that I woke up. When I think about it, I smile, yet I feel embarrassed by it at the same time. It's so strange, I don't even know why I had that dream. I dream about that guy a lot too. For the past four days, I have had at least one dream with him in it. But he's a fictional character? He doesn't exist? And I've never been with anyone like him in my life either. But supposedly if you dream about a person constantly, that means they are real? Not sure what to think about that at all. Wish I knew how to make sense of this.

Anyways... Going to Newfoundland in a few weeks, I hope I can have a real good vacation, I hope I don't stress as much as I normally do about things. It's been three whole years since I've been there. After what Sarah did to me, I didn't want to go so much anymore, but my Nan and Pop are counting on me to be there, so I shall go regardless. Just hope I don't see that twit or else the vacation will be ruined. I also hope I can finish my math on time. I have been neglecting it again due to lack of focus. I really need to sit down and work on it again like I did that while ago. I've moved back into my room so it will be quiet. That should help me I hope. Not looking forward to my final. I dread that, I really do.

I began reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower again today. I love this book so much. It is kind of helping my mood as well, so I should read it whenever I can. Just not in one day again, or else my mother will get mad- which is understandable. 

Snow Patrol has released their North American tour dates too. They're going to Calgary. If only I had someone to go with. No one I know likes Snow Patrol. It's kind of saddening because they mean so much to me. Especially Gary. He's really my favorite person in the entire world and I hope no one reading this will be offended by that, but I just want to tell the truth. He is #1 in my book, he really is. 

I wish I could meet him, just have a hug and say thank you. Simple as that. Nothing fancy. Oh if only if only. 

I wish I was healthy already.

I feel like Death.

I'm so tired, I hardly slept last night. I think it's because I'm sleeping in the bed in the basement instead of my bed upstairs in my room. It is way too hot to be upstairs though. It might get up to 38 degrees today and I have problems functioning at anything above 20 degrees. I can't use  my computer either, since it's in my room and it would overheat very easily. I don't want to put it through that, so I am stuck with this weak little notebook. Oh well I suppose.
Last entry I was talking about how I'm trying to keep a positive attitude. Well after my father's birthday, it kind of vanished. I can't even bring myself to be happy anymore. Where did that happiness go? I wonder. I've noticed that I am still losing all of my real life friends. My so called "best friend" back stabbed me right before she left to move in with her "Fiance" that she had only been  with for 4 months and she's already pregnant. I only have cruel things to say about her now. I wish I had known just what she was truly like. If I had, I would have left her alone with her mother. I really would have. 
The only friend from this town that I had left, left to move into a small city about 45 minutes from here and hasn't spoken to me since. I think he was the only one that really accepted me for who I was. Now just to make it clear, I am not mad at him. He has done nothing wrong. I'm just a bit lonely I suppose. I think the worst that has happened this year though is my cousin... I have spoken about her before. Her name is Sarah. Yeah her. I was quite close to her for many years. Well now she has gone too. She hates me. You want to know why? Because I'm Transgender. Because I want to be a boy. Because I want to be comfortable in my own skin and true to myself. And she says I have back stabbed her because of that. I really don't see how that works. But it just goes to show that like the "friends" I had in school, she was just a fake as well. None of them were truly my friends. If they were, then they would have accepted me for who I am and who I want to be. They would support me and stand by me. But they all got mad at me and became disgusted with me. I guess that's what I get for being in a small redneck cowboy town. I guess that's what I get for having cousins who live on a small rock with indecent schooling and harsh religious ideas. Sarah, she told me "You need to stop trying to be a boy because deep down I know you are a GIRL" That really hurt me and made me mad. So I wrote to her telling her that I don't want to have anything to do with her if she is going to be that way to me. I don't have to stand for her verbal abuse. I didn't for the people at my old school so I don't have to with her. It's a shame that I had to say that to her, but it is what she deserves. 
I almost regret buying those tickets to Newfoundland now. If she had only told me sooner, I wouldn't have bothered with them. I would have saved my money for my college. But they don't take refunds, which pisses me off. I honestly could be doing better things than wasting my time there. Before, I had really wanted to go, I missed my family there, but now I don't want to go. I want to stay home.
Moments like these make it extremely difficult to stay away from my old ways of depression. Blades become enticing once again and food appears to be disgusting. 
Why is it so hard to just be who I want?