I feel that I look a lot like my brother in the picture. Not quite sure why, but I think it's mostly our facial structure. It's very similar. I also had to put the picture lower because otherwise, it would break up my paragraphs really strangely. o__o Damn you blogspot! *waves angry fist*

Damien, since I know you read this, I just want to thank you for the comment on my last entry. It really made me think long and hard. And yeah, I would like to be the guy that I dream about. He's basically the epitome of who'd I'd like to work myself into being. So, thank you. It means a lot to me and I'm glad I have a friend that has gone through similar things as me, it truly makes a person feel like they have someone there for them, someone who has been through what you have. It's comforting. It really is. I want to thank Danielle too, for understanding and still staying with me despite the problems that swirl around in my head that try to cause problems for those closest to me. I love you Danielle.

Tonight there is going to be a block party at 17.30 and I'm thinking about going. I kind of want to, but don't at the same time. The reason why I want to is because I am such a horrible introvert and I should get out more and try to meet people. I need to try and improve my agoraphobia and become a little bit more social. I don't need to go overboard, but I think something like this would be a good step forward towards improving myself. I need to get myself out there a bit. Even if people in this backwater town are afraid or weirded out by me, I need to show them too, that I am a good person- at least I try to be. I think I'll start getting ready at 15.00. I will probably have to eat beforehand since I doubt there will be anything gluten free there except maybe a vegetable platter here and there .___. Apparently there is treatment for people with Celiac Disease? I visited a migraine doctor a few weeks ago and she asked if I was on treatment for it... Maybe I'll look into it sometime because I really do miss eating normal foods that aren't stupidly expensive. Sweet Isis, I miss chicken nuggets so bad omg. Hahaha. I can't even have canned soup! How stupid is that!?

Oh wait... just got news that mum isn't going to it afterall... KAY NOT GOING TO IT LOL. If I was only gonna go if mum was going and she just told me she wasn't and I'm not going by myself... So looks like I get to be agoraphobic some more and can put off my shower again haaaah. This always happens... I'll plan to do something and something else comes up and it gets cancelled or I can't go to such and such. If I had known that mum wasn't going to go earlier, then I would have asked for a mountain trip. Maybe I'll ask later for tomorrow. Because I haven't been there for a while and I really miss it.

I got a letter the other day from my cousin- the one I fell out with. She wants to be friends again, but she was very stupid with going about it. She insulted me and my girlfriend- calling my Danielle a slut and a sleeze bag. And then she said she was sorry about causing a fight. I just looked at the letter like, "What?" She insulted my girlfriend and I and then expects me to want to "kiss and make up?" What kind of messed up logic is that? It just made me more mad than her. I called her out on being jealous too. Because whenever I got close to a friend or had a partner, she would always seem to get stuck up and would leave a lack of reply (Sorry that makes no sense) whenever when we would talk. Like... As soon as I'd mention I was with someone or hanging out with someone lots, she would suddenly give me one worded answers and she'd seem mad. So to my conclusion, she's jealous and wants me "all to herself" I hope that doesn't make me sound conceited, but it is the truth. She called me a backstabber when I told her I was staying in Alberta and not moving in with her. Even after I explained it was because of my Transgender situation and worrying about the lack of money where she lives. I know I will get a response letter from her once she gets mine, and I don't expect it to be nice either. My letter to hers definitely wasn't nice, but she really deserves it. Sorry, but I like to stick up for myself. So if she tries to make the fight worse. I'm just going to put on my response, "I am done with this. Any further letter you send me will not be read, but instead torn up and thrown in the trash. YOU HAVE BEEN REPLACED AND FORGOTTEN." And that will be the end of that. 

In lighter news, mum is making me bananabread-muffins and she is letting me lick the bowl and the beaters. It's delicious. Speaking of which, I have sort of... semi started cooking. I make supper every now and again for the family and had to make supper for myself a few times when mum was really tired or out late with work. I think that's a good start towards adulthood. And I might be able to graduate next year from school. If only I stay up with my math Dx I just want it to end already. I want a different course D': At least I'm on the last module. But the final test still scares me. And I'm sure I've mentioned this before. And lately I really haven't been sleeping well, despite my sleeping pills. But I don't want to increase because three pills really drains me out and I can't function at all. And I don't want to switch because these pills have been keeping the hallucinations away. Such a dilemma this is... 

Lately I've been really dysphoric too. Mostly with my chest-size. No matter what I do, I don't pass at all. No matter what baggy shirt I wear or how many layers I have, or how tight I put my binder, they still show, and I still don't pass. It's probably still my face too because I am very baby girly faced. I wish I knew ways to improve myself. Ways to pass right away. I just wish I knew. I know my voice gives it away, but even if I don't speak, people know that I am female and it really hurts. I wish I could get my testosterone sooner, I wish the waiting list wasn't so long. I called the clinic to ask to be put on a cancellation list, but you can only go on it if you've been there before. So that deflated my hopes. I just wish I knew what to do about it so I can be more comfortable in my skin.

Forlade mig venligst.

I'm using my phone so no picture this time. It's 3.17. I haven't slept so far. I don't want to, yet  I want to at the same time. Lately I haven't been taking my sleeping pill all the time like I'm supposed to. I don't even know why. My heart hurts and my depression hit me sorta hard this morning. I feel like crying but I know that won't solve anything. My life feels really messy right now and I'm not sure how to pull it together. There's no need to feel this intense sadness. There really isn't. My life is actually good. Great even. So why am I sad? Why am I laying in bed here feeling so emotionally hurt that I want to drive a blade into my thighs again? It's been two months since the last time. I want to try and hold off longer, but it feels really difficult to do so. I'm not thinking straight so I might spell some things wrong and I might use a lot of words over and over again. Like the world "feel" When I'm down like this, I just really crave to disappear for a while. I've been talking about that frequently. How I disappeared in the forests for two hours. I want to do that right now. Why does Bassano have to be such a shitty town in the middle of nowhere. Why can't I be home. Why can't I just call him and hear his voice for real to comfort me. Why can I only play music or dream of his voice in order to hold this intensity at bay. Why am I like this. He doesn't really exist. He doesn't know me. So why do I cling to him so desperately. Why do I crave him so badly. I have a girlfriend that I love so terribly much. Someone I can see myself with for years and years. The only person I can see myself having a future with. And yet he still haunts the pages of everything I am. What am I supposed to do. How do I erase him from my memory. All he does it hurt me. Wracking my body with pain and filling my heart with doubt. I dreamt I was in this very strange school. I rushed all through its halls, it's classrooms, its storage rooms. All to try to find him. Even though I knew he wasn't there. It hurt so bad but I couldn't stop myself from looking for him. Why do I do this to myself. This is why my relationships never last. This is why I keep losing people. Because I'm waiting for someone that will never come. Maybe I do need serious help. Maybe I do need to be taken into the psych ward in Medicine Hat. I don't know. I couldn't talk to anyone about it. I know people will see this, but maybe this will just reveal what kind of a nutcase I truly am. It's been what... 4-5 years that I've known about him? I wish there was a way to erase him from my head. My poor mentality has me so twisted up in knots. I can't control how I feel anymore. Just tearing myself apart. How do I fix it?  How do I rid of it? Of him? To those reading, don't question me on it. Don't talk to me about it. I don't want to share. I don't want to explain thoroughly. Whatever you read here is what you get. Maybe I need to lock myself away for a while. Maybe I need to sleep my sins away. But then I'll dream and nothing will be solved. Maybe it would be easier if I stopped dreaming. How does one do that? But then I crave to dream when I wake up from the nights I don't. My left hand has gone numb. My thumb still refuses to sleep though. My heart still pains. And I don't mean physically. But... Soulfully? Well emotionally. It's crying so to speak. Horribly. It's crying and wanting the consolidation it needs but it never will get it because he's not real. I love him. I think I always will. I should pretend he's dead and just move on with myself. But I've been trying that for the passed few years. How many? 3 maybe? I want to go home. I want to walk through the door and take my boots off. Looking up as he greets me from the counter in our open kitchen. To see that smile and hear his voice speak to me. Those intense blue eyes that could give you chills for days. His height. His broad shoulders. The classy way he dressed. His partially wild midnight hair. His large hands. The way he carried himself so confidently and always seemed to know all there was in the world. How can I forget him. I don't even know who he is for crying out loud. It seems way stronger than a figment of imagination. Maybe someone from a past life. I'll never know. I just wish there was a way to cope with it. I just wanna forget him and be with Danielle. That's what I want. Even though it hurts. I want him gone so I can be with my girl. To be truly with her. But this hurts too much. 

If there's a rocket, tie me to it.

Yeah I do still enjoy using makeup from time to time, but unlike when I was female, now I just use it to fool around, experiment, and just have fun. I think I sort of went for a tribal look here. Not sure what the point was, I just kind of let the brush do as it pleased. It's 07.05 here right now and I have to try and type quietly since my Mum is getting ready for work and I should be sound asleep at the moment. I have a feeling I will get caught either way, but at least I don't have to go to the bathroom anymore; I sneaked downstairs and used the bathroom down there while Mum was in the shower. So I'm good for another bit! 

Anyway... I'm 19 as of last fredag. (Learning the "Danish days of the week"  I'm so slow orz) I never asked for anything so instead, on lørdag, Mum took me to the Calgary Zoo. When we first got there, it started to rain and hail like crazy! So we had to seek shelter under one of the buildings. The hail stones were just a bit smaller than a golf ball. After I think, twenty minutes, the rain went away and it was quite sunny for the rest of the day. We saw lots of animals and I could tell that Mum had lots of fun too. Even though it was my birthday, Mum hasn't been to the zoo in over twenty years- where I've been three times in the last couple of years I was in school. She was very excited when the weather turned nice, so I wanted to show her all the neat animals! In the end, we didn't get to see the elephants, the penguins, or the Canadian Wildlife section. We may go next weekend to see what we missed- depending on weather. But yeah, we were there for four hours and still didn't see everything! I would have liked to have seen the dinosaur section too, but Mum thinks it's boring, so I didn't bother asking. Besides, I've seen it before anyways!

Then on søndag, we travelled up to my Real Home- The Mountains!! We decided to go through Kootenay this time, since Mum and I really love that park- very beautiful~ We did a bit of hiking and just enjoyed the lovely smell of the trees and the pure majestic view of the Rocky Mountains. We also visited the beloved Simpson River. Not only is the view magnificent, but it shares the same last name as mine! I do love my last name- I'm sure I've mentioned that before haha. And we didn't arrive home until almost 21.00! Mum also said that we might be able to sneak a few more trips to the mountains before winter settles in. I love the mountains best in the winter, but it's very dangerous to travel there during that time, so I understand. I'm just thankful for the few trips I do get to travel home. I feel relaxed and calm just thinking about it. One day, if I do manage to get my Driver's Licence, I wish to put my Snow Patrol on repeat and just roam the mountain highways. Just to get lost with nature. Maybe go on a few hiking trips myself like I did in Newfoundland. Just to escape and let my true home envelop me in comfort. (Until I get eaten by bears hahahahahaha! Just kidding~)

Material wise, when I was at the zoo, I bought myself a large wolf hat (fake of course, no worries) It has really long ear flaps and at the bottom of them, they have little pockets to put my hands in. I absolutely adore hats in that style. I just wish it wasn't over $31 .___. I really need to watch my spending since I don't have a job or anything. It's just so easy to spend money with a bank card Dx  The other "material wise" thing I got for my birthday, which my Mum bought, was a really cool Dragon ornament. I believe he's perching on an old decaying building with pillars and he has his wings curved around this glass plate. Under the plate, there's this transparent red hollow cylinder with flames painted on it. Then inside the cylinder, there's a light and I can control the brightness with a dial. I hope I described it proper. I haven't admired it enough yet to remember it's details, but I can promise you that it is very lovely! The plate is supposed to be for that scented liquid stuff that makes the room smell nice once it's heated, but instead I've just put a bunch of shells from Newfoundland in it since the original container for them is really overflowing haha. 

On a new topic, lately I've been really itching to make a webcomic of some sorts. But I hardly have the creative juices for it! D: I want it to be a sort of yaoi/boylove comic, but not in the typical style of the Uke/Seme universe where it's all like Uke: "BAKA!! Get away from me!" Seme: "No I love you. Let me molest you some more" Then, Uke: "Omg turns out I loved him all along! I don't ever want to leave him!" Because, as funny as it is, it does get overplayed way too much lmao. I just wish I had the creativity to come up with something good! I'd like it to be kind of Final Fantasy-ish too. Their stories are always so.... so deep and heart-clinging y'know?

I guess I'll go for now since I've updated a lot recently.