A long road leading nowhere.

It seems that I've lost myself again. It hurts.

This Isn't Everything You Are

My thumb looks broken. Wow. Hate my digits so much.

Really hating on everything today. Nothing is right. I feel horrible and sick. My mum has been coming at me and trying to get me to make another appointment with my psychologist. She thinks I need another medication increase. I think it's high enough, but alas, my mood is horrid. Sleeping has gotten bad again, my depression is increasing again, and my appetite has decreased. I'm honestly tired of seeing doctors. I'm seeing my councillor at least on the 30th. I don't know what to talk about though. I really don't. I'm not sure what's bothering me this time. Maybe the heat, but I can't do anything about that. If the weather is above 20 degrees then I begin to stop functioning properly. I get hot extremely easily and it makes me sick. I hate what my body has become. I can only hope that it improves at least a little bit once I do start hormones, which I wish was sooner than later. I just hope I can still refrain from cutting, but the urge is getting stronger and harder to battle.

I had a strange dream last night. I'm not sure what to make of it.

I dreamt I was one of my characters from the story I had typed up a year ago. He's the antagonist. A very tall man. It was weird being up that high from the ground lol. Basically, his goal his to capture the main character, who is a 16 year old girl. She was originally his mate from her past life, but she died and now he's trying to get her back because he needs to have a child with her. Once that child is of age, it will be the key to destroying the planet and enslaving the human and demon race and yadda yadda. OVER ALL BAD GUY, OKAY? Anyways... in the dream, I was this guy, but he was still controlling himself... I guess? I mean, I couldn't do anything with the body I was in, it was as if someone else was controlling it. But I'll just refer to him as myself so it doesn't get too confusing... I hope... So in the beginning, I had just walked into a bathroom and I silently closed the door behind me. It was a rather large bathroom and I was focused on the shower, which someone was in. I walked up to it and took off all my clothes. I sighed soundlessly and somehow got into the shower without making a noise. The girl was there, rinsing out her long blue-black hair. Suddenly I rushed forward and pinned her against the shower wall. She yelled out in surprise. I wrapped my arms around her quickly and started whispering in her ear. I don't remember what I said, but she stayed as still as she could. She was shaking under me. I could smell the fear emanating off of her as I leaned down and began kissing her back, her arms, all over her neck. I heard her breathing deepen and she started to lean into me. She was so small, so soft, so fragile. After a small while, she began to moan quietly and without warning, I whipped her around to face me. She was like a frightened animal, but her pupils were dilated with lust. I gripped onto her wrists and held her tightly against the shower wall again and forced my lips against hers. She fought a bit, but she was also aware of how much stronger I was than her.  My sex had grown hard already and I teased her own with it. As soon as I touched her, she gasped into my mouth and at that moment I felt like I had lost "control" over myself. I had to be inside her. I released her arms and picked her up, wrapping her legs around my waist. I smiled and rested my forehead against hers and whispered for her to put her arms around my neck. She obeyed and I kissed her gently. Afterwards I decided to enter her and she gasped loudly as she took my rather large size. 

After that I woke up. When I think about it, I smile, yet I feel embarrassed by it at the same time. It's so strange, I don't even know why I had that dream. I dream about that guy a lot too. For the past four days, I have had at least one dream with him in it. But he's a fictional character? He doesn't exist? And I've never been with anyone like him in my life either. But supposedly if you dream about a person constantly, that means they are real? Not sure what to think about that at all. Wish I knew how to make sense of this.

Anyways... Going to Newfoundland in a few weeks, I hope I can have a real good vacation, I hope I don't stress as much as I normally do about things. It's been three whole years since I've been there. After what Sarah did to me, I didn't want to go so much anymore, but my Nan and Pop are counting on me to be there, so I shall go regardless. Just hope I don't see that twit or else the vacation will be ruined. I also hope I can finish my math on time. I have been neglecting it again due to lack of focus. I really need to sit down and work on it again like I did that while ago. I've moved back into my room so it will be quiet. That should help me I hope. Not looking forward to my final. I dread that, I really do.

I began reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower again today. I love this book so much. It is kind of helping my mood as well, so I should read it whenever I can. Just not in one day again, or else my mother will get mad- which is understandable. 

Snow Patrol has released their North American tour dates too. They're going to Calgary. If only I had someone to go with. No one I know likes Snow Patrol. It's kind of saddening because they mean so much to me. Especially Gary. He's really my favorite person in the entire world and I hope no one reading this will be offended by that, but I just want to tell the truth. He is #1 in my book, he really is. 

I wish I could meet him, just have a hug and say thank you. Simple as that. Nothing fancy. Oh if only if only. 

I wish I was healthy already.

I feel like Death.

I'm so tired, I hardly slept last night. I think it's because I'm sleeping in the bed in the basement instead of my bed upstairs in my room. It is way too hot to be upstairs though. It might get up to 38 degrees today and I have problems functioning at anything above 20 degrees. I can't use  my computer either, since it's in my room and it would overheat very easily. I don't want to put it through that, so I am stuck with this weak little notebook. Oh well I suppose.
Last entry I was talking about how I'm trying to keep a positive attitude. Well after my father's birthday, it kind of vanished. I can't even bring myself to be happy anymore. Where did that happiness go? I wonder. I've noticed that I am still losing all of my real life friends. My so called "best friend" back stabbed me right before she left to move in with her "Fiance" that she had only been  with for 4 months and she's already pregnant. I only have cruel things to say about her now. I wish I had known just what she was truly like. If I had, I would have left her alone with her mother. I really would have. 
The only friend from this town that I had left, left to move into a small city about 45 minutes from here and hasn't spoken to me since. I think he was the only one that really accepted me for who I was. Now just to make it clear, I am not mad at him. He has done nothing wrong. I'm just a bit lonely I suppose. I think the worst that has happened this year though is my cousin... I have spoken about her before. Her name is Sarah. Yeah her. I was quite close to her for many years. Well now she has gone too. She hates me. You want to know why? Because I'm Transgender. Because I want to be a boy. Because I want to be comfortable in my own skin and true to myself. And she says I have back stabbed her because of that. I really don't see how that works. But it just goes to show that like the "friends" I had in school, she was just a fake as well. None of them were truly my friends. If they were, then they would have accepted me for who I am and who I want to be. They would support me and stand by me. But they all got mad at me and became disgusted with me. I guess that's what I get for being in a small redneck cowboy town. I guess that's what I get for having cousins who live on a small rock with indecent schooling and harsh religious ideas. Sarah, she told me "You need to stop trying to be a boy because deep down I know you are a GIRL" That really hurt me and made me mad. So I wrote to her telling her that I don't want to have anything to do with her if she is going to be that way to me. I don't have to stand for her verbal abuse. I didn't for the people at my old school so I don't have to with her. It's a shame that I had to say that to her, but it is what she deserves. 
I almost regret buying those tickets to Newfoundland now. If she had only told me sooner, I wouldn't have bothered with them. I would have saved my money for my college. But they don't take refunds, which pisses me off. I honestly could be doing better things than wasting my time there. Before, I had really wanted to go, I missed my family there, but now I don't want to go. I want to stay home.
Moments like these make it extremely difficult to stay away from my old ways of depression. Blades become enticing once again and food appears to be disgusting. 
Why is it so hard to just be who I want?