I've Never Felt More Ugly, When the Devil Grabbed Me By the Leg and Shook Me, I Was Gone, I Was Gone

Ugh... Lately I've just been feeling sort of crappy... I'm not sure how else to explain it.  Just for the past few weeks.  You know that feeling you get in your heart when you feel really down? Where it sort hurts and resembles nothing but deep sadness that you cannot get rid of? It's sort of like that.  It never really hit me until I talked to one of my cousins in Newfoundland. His name is Josh.  He's a cool kid, but him and his sister have been going through some tough times.  I haven't seen them in almost two years and I really wish I could just hop on a plane and head down there.  The both of them, him and Sarah, mean so much to me and they don't even realize it.  Josh was shocked when I told him that I missed them. And I bet Sarah would be too.  But I'd do anything for them.  It still haunts me... The time that I crashed the quad when I was out visiting them in Newfoundland two years ago.  Me and Sarah were out on the quad and I was driving and I turned a corner and this huge ford truck almost hit us.  I swerved out of the way, but I rolled the quad.  When I fell off I went straight to Sarah.  I didn't even look to see if I was okay.  All that mattered was her.  I feel a closer connection to Sarah than Josh to be honest, but I think that's because Josh and I never really hung out until 2009.  All the other years he was with his brother.  So I know Sarah better.  But I mean... Just as I'm writing this I feel so sad.  On the verge of tears.  I haven't driven a quad since that accident that I caused.  It was completely my fault and I know it.  I'm glad she wasn't hurt, but she did have a few scrapes and bruises.  She might as well have broken a limb... That's how bad it hurt me emotionally. To know I hurt her.  Such mistakes haunt me for the rest of my life.  No matter what, no matter if the person forgives me or not....  I just really miss them.  I wish I could see them.  I already have the money to pay for my own ticket, but Mum won't allow me to go on account of my sickness.  Plus I'm going to be homeschooling over the summer as well.  But... My sickness is getting a lot better, it's more manageable.  But then there's food.  I'm not sure how that will be, since I'm on a special diet and I don't even know if they sell food there that I could eat.  You can't exactly buy it at a local grocery store. /:  Mum said maybe next year we could go.  But I want to go now.  Right now.

I suppose it's not all too bad for me...  I need to cheer up a bit you know?  Today I was wondering when my chest binder would come in and Mum came home after work and handed it to me.  I was so excited, but also worried that it wouldn't fit D:  I have a large chest size, but I'm also thin, so I was afraid it was going to be too big.  But it fit! And Mum also said that if it gets to the point where it doesn't fit, I can just order a new one and she'd get me it (:  It made me very happy to know that.  Oh! And today I saw Jimmy!  He was at Safeway with his friend Kyle and he made me get out of the car to hug him.  Today was a nice day.  So warm and cozy, despite the weather haha! Mum wanted to leave right away because there were these really evil looking clouds coming our way o: So we decided to race the clouds home.  Of course we beat them >:D  Thinking of this makes me realize that I should focus more on the good things rather than the ugly.  I will try to do so, we shall see what happens.

And the due date is close

Well heaven knew it take a part of me

But I only speak I only speak when I am hungry

Now the lights on my face

And I've never felt more ugly

When the devil grabbed me by the leg and shook me

I was gone (I was gone)

Micro Cuts

Well I realize that I haven't posted in a while.  You can blame my procrastination for that lol.  Plus, once more, not too much has happened.... Kay well that's a lie xD  Oh man yesterday was the best.  Mum and I went up west into the mountains.  It was just me and her.  I love travelling with my mother, it's so much fun and we always talk about random things.  We always have such good memories together.  This trip we mostly talked about my future though.  It was sort of depressing, but not at the same time.  For the longest time I wanted to become a Game Artist, after I finish homeschooling, but now I'm not too sure what I'm gonna do because I'm so sick all the time.  Plus we can't really afford it anyways, even if I did get a scholarship and all that jazz.  The course costs around 60,000 (The one I want to take) and that isn't cheap.  We had a hard time covering my brother's college tuition and other fees and that was just a little over 20,000.  So I'm not sure if I should be looking into Game Artistry anymore. So back to the story... Mum was talking about my future and what I should be looking into instead and she figures I should get into something that has to do with agriculture, but up in the mountains, since I love them so much.  And I mean I LOVE the mountains.  With a supreme passion.  No joke.  Well in truth, Mum wants me to become a forest ranger, but I don't see that happening OTL.  Srsly, picture this... you're havin' a camp fire when you're not supposed to and you see a girl in a forest ranger uniform that is only 152cm tall and weighs maybe 43 kgs, telling you to put your fire out or else >:U  LOL.  That really is not intimidating.  Like at all xD.  So I don't see me doing something like that.  But oh well we shall see where the road takes me. 

We went to so many places though, we went through Banff National Park, we wen't through Kootenay and Yoho National Park, it was so fun! BD  But every time I saw the signs that lead up to Jasper, I felt a little sad inside.  My Mum, sister, and I went up there last year and I fell in love with it, my Mum did too.  My sister hated it xD  But it's because we broke down there, so we had to stay there for a couple of days and she just wanted to go home, but we couldn't lol.  I think that's why she doesn't come on our mountain trips anymore.  Which is sad :(  But she likes Drumheller(sp) and I don't even know why...  I mean, it's hot as hell there and there's bugs and scorpions and snakes (Which she all hates) and everything is hazy and sweaty there .___.  It's gross.  But she likes it.  I guess you have to be her to understand.  She probably feels the same towards me liking the mountains, although she probably has different reasons for why she hates it haha.  But I suppose everyone's entitled to their opinion right?

OH HEY!!! I got my haircut two weeks ago xD  Well almost two weeks.  I was originally going to post it the day I got the cut, but of course, laziness got the better of me.  It's really short (as you can see) and I kinda didn't like it at first because the hairstylist cut it sort of like a bob cut in a way... To me it looked like I had a hairy helmet on my head LOL  So I had to fix it and it looks decent now at least.  My bangs piss me off though D:  And she didn't cut my layers short enough so I'm gonna have to fix that too >.>;;  I can never win.

Man... Last night I had a really weird dream... I was a man and I would steal women away and have sex with them o________o  Apparently I was famous and really good in bed.  I woke up and I was like "WTF IS THIS"  Sure I consider myself as transgender but...  I wouldn't want to be a COMPLETE man... Apart from my chest and thighs I don't want to change anything else about me.  I'm happy with my women parts... well not happy, but I've come to accept them.  I suppose I'm more of an adrogynous person or even just a tomboy, but I don't know...  But all I do know is that I don't want to go through surgery or use drugs to change myself.  I mean, what if this is just a phase? One that I've been having for...... okay well I've felt like this for most of my life, no joke, but what if I do grow out of this and want to be a "girly girl" or whichever?  I can't exactly change myself back right away.  So for now, I will use my clothes and voice to reveal how I feel and how I am.  Not drugs and fake body parts. <3

As Clean As Your Heart Is.

Well this is a little bit late.  Oh well. Better late than never, yes?  Not much has happened this past week.  Last week on Thursday was my sisters birthday.  I was so conflicted over what I should get her because for years and years, all I ever bought for her was jewlery really and I wanted to do something different for this year.  This time I drew her something, but I unno, I don't think she was really impressed with it.  When I showed it to her, all she said was "Oh... I like it." In a very monotone voice.  It makes me think I should have tried harder. Maybe I should have done more detail in it or just something to improve it.  I felt disappointed with myself, but at least I did give her something.  At first when I asked her what she wanted, she said I didn't need to give her anything.  And well... I'd feel like shit if I didn't 'cause knowing her, she'd turn around and get me something for my birthday and that's just not fair towards her.  I'm very thankful for her (:

Tuesday, (yesterday) I went to the dentist and oh my god was it horrid D:  Now don't get me wrong, he didn't do ANYTHING that would harm me or whatever, but my anxiety problems decided to kick into high-gear and I almost passed out in the chair ;A;  I mean, all he was doing was x-rays and an examination, so what the hell was I freaking out over? I have no clue.  But this anxiety issue pisses me off! It sucks dick hardcore. )x

All in all, turns out I have six babyteeth left (I'm 17 D:) And he's going to SEE if he can pull out the top two on June 1st.  I'm a nervous wreck to be honest, thinking about it.  But the tooth on the top left is loose and it's annoyin the shit outta me! It's just so.... out of place.  Kind of like me in society hurhur. :3  But ah. If he can get it out, I get a spacer for it. And then I got some crazy shit goin on with the tooth on my top right side that he's never seen before, so I don't know how that's gonna go down xD  Wish me luck o:

Also yesterday, mum bought me a binder off e-bay.  Well I'm paying her back for it, so I'm not a complete mooch here 8D  So that's cool.  But I'm so excited! Finally I'll have something that will flatten my chest.  Or at least sort of.  I kind of have a big chest (cup-wise I mean) So I'm not sure how that will go down hmmm.... We shall see.

And on Friday, I'm getting my hair cut.  It's going to be short, so I can't wait for that.  I just hope my anxiety doesn't kick in while I'm there, there's nothing to be afraid of, but it just pops up out of nowhere on me over the stupidest things.  I might ask mum if maybe I should go on medication for it.  If I can, I think that might calm me down.  I hope so.  But I hope the hair cut goes well, I might post about it on Friday.  I find it kind of weird just making a blog every Wednesday, but I mean... I'm not that exciting xD  I think during the summer, I'll have more to talk about because we will be travelling.  I hope we go up to the mountains a lot <3 I love them so so so much.