I've Never Felt More Ugly, When the Devil Grabbed Me By the Leg and Shook Me, I Was Gone, I Was Gone

Ugh... Lately I've just been feeling sort of crappy... I'm not sure how else to explain it.  Just for the past few weeks.  You know that feeling you get in your heart when you feel really down? Where it sort hurts and resembles nothing but deep sadness that you cannot get rid of? It's sort of like that.  It never really hit me until I talked to one of my cousins in Newfoundland. His name is Josh.  He's a cool kid, but him and his sister have been going through some tough times.  I haven't seen them in almost two years and I really wish I could just hop on a plane and head down there.  The both of them, him and Sarah, mean so much to me and they don't even realize it.  Josh was shocked when I told him that I missed them. And I bet Sarah would be too.  But I'd do anything for them.  It still haunts me... The time that I crashed the quad when I was out visiting them in Newfoundland two years ago.  Me and Sarah were out on the quad and I was driving and I turned a corner and this huge ford truck almost hit us.  I swerved out of the way, but I rolled the quad.  When I fell off I went straight to Sarah.  I didn't even look to see if I was okay.  All that mattered was her.  I feel a closer connection to Sarah than Josh to be honest, but I think that's because Josh and I never really hung out until 2009.  All the other years he was with his brother.  So I know Sarah better.  But I mean... Just as I'm writing this I feel so sad.  On the verge of tears.  I haven't driven a quad since that accident that I caused.  It was completely my fault and I know it.  I'm glad she wasn't hurt, but she did have a few scrapes and bruises.  She might as well have broken a limb... That's how bad it hurt me emotionally. To know I hurt her.  Such mistakes haunt me for the rest of my life.  No matter what, no matter if the person forgives me or not....  I just really miss them.  I wish I could see them.  I already have the money to pay for my own ticket, but Mum won't allow me to go on account of my sickness.  Plus I'm going to be homeschooling over the summer as well.  But... My sickness is getting a lot better, it's more manageable.  But then there's food.  I'm not sure how that will be, since I'm on a special diet and I don't even know if they sell food there that I could eat.  You can't exactly buy it at a local grocery store. /:  Mum said maybe next year we could go.  But I want to go now.  Right now.

I suppose it's not all too bad for me...  I need to cheer up a bit you know?  Today I was wondering when my chest binder would come in and Mum came home after work and handed it to me.  I was so excited, but also worried that it wouldn't fit D:  I have a large chest size, but I'm also thin, so I was afraid it was going to be too big.  But it fit! And Mum also said that if it gets to the point where it doesn't fit, I can just order a new one and she'd get me it (:  It made me very happy to know that.  Oh! And today I saw Jimmy!  He was at Safeway with his friend Kyle and he made me get out of the car to hug him.  Today was a nice day.  So warm and cozy, despite the weather haha! Mum wanted to leave right away because there were these really evil looking clouds coming our way o: So we decided to race the clouds home.  Of course we beat them >:D  Thinking of this makes me realize that I should focus more on the good things rather than the ugly.  I will try to do so, we shall see what happens.

And the due date is close

Well heaven knew it take a part of me

But I only speak I only speak when I am hungry

Now the lights on my face

And I've never felt more ugly

When the devil grabbed me by the leg and shook me

I was gone (I was gone)