I feel like Death.

I'm so tired, I hardly slept last night. I think it's because I'm sleeping in the bed in the basement instead of my bed upstairs in my room. It is way too hot to be upstairs though. It might get up to 38 degrees today and I have problems functioning at anything above 20 degrees. I can't use  my computer either, since it's in my room and it would overheat very easily. I don't want to put it through that, so I am stuck with this weak little notebook. Oh well I suppose.
Last entry I was talking about how I'm trying to keep a positive attitude. Well after my father's birthday, it kind of vanished. I can't even bring myself to be happy anymore. Where did that happiness go? I wonder. I've noticed that I am still losing all of my real life friends. My so called "best friend" back stabbed me right before she left to move in with her "Fiance" that she had only been  with for 4 months and she's already pregnant. I only have cruel things to say about her now. I wish I had known just what she was truly like. If I had, I would have left her alone with her mother. I really would have. 
The only friend from this town that I had left, left to move into a small city about 45 minutes from here and hasn't spoken to me since. I think he was the only one that really accepted me for who I was. Now just to make it clear, I am not mad at him. He has done nothing wrong. I'm just a bit lonely I suppose. I think the worst that has happened this year though is my cousin... I have spoken about her before. Her name is Sarah. Yeah her. I was quite close to her for many years. Well now she has gone too. She hates me. You want to know why? Because I'm Transgender. Because I want to be a boy. Because I want to be comfortable in my own skin and true to myself. And she says I have back stabbed her because of that. I really don't see how that works. But it just goes to show that like the "friends" I had in school, she was just a fake as well. None of them were truly my friends. If they were, then they would have accepted me for who I am and who I want to be. They would support me and stand by me. But they all got mad at me and became disgusted with me. I guess that's what I get for being in a small redneck cowboy town. I guess that's what I get for having cousins who live on a small rock with indecent schooling and harsh religious ideas. Sarah, she told me "You need to stop trying to be a boy because deep down I know you are a GIRL" That really hurt me and made me mad. So I wrote to her telling her that I don't want to have anything to do with her if she is going to be that way to me. I don't have to stand for her verbal abuse. I didn't for the people at my old school so I don't have to with her. It's a shame that I had to say that to her, but it is what she deserves. 
I almost regret buying those tickets to Newfoundland now. If she had only told me sooner, I wouldn't have bothered with them. I would have saved my money for my college. But they don't take refunds, which pisses me off. I honestly could be doing better things than wasting my time there. Before, I had really wanted to go, I missed my family there, but now I don't want to go. I want to stay home.
Moments like these make it extremely difficult to stay away from my old ways of depression. Blades become enticing once again and food appears to be disgusting. 
Why is it so hard to just be who I want?

I Should Be Sleeping With You.

Right so ignore the fact that my picture has my name on it hah. I was intending on writing a "positive" blog post. You know, one with just all positive things to show that there are good things happening in my life. But of course I can only really focus on the negative things, which is not a good thing to be doing. But alas, I cannot help it. I'll try with a few positive things though. 

I made a new friend a while ago. He lives in Brooks and is just a year younger than me. His name is Scott and he is also an FtM like me. I met him through my councillor- she sees Scott's step mother. We started texting one day and we really had a lot in common and I actually knew him a few years ago when we were both females. He was Leanne back then and of course I was Selina. He only came to my school for two days and then went back home. I won't say exactly why since it is personal, but I'll just say he was having a lot of family problems and school was just way too much for him to handle at the time. He's aiming for his GED now and he's also getting his driver's licence this year as well. Oh and he's living on his own with his lovely girlfriend, Kelsey. They have so many pets it's unbelievable, but I love them all haha. Scott came and picked me up one day and we drove back to Brooks and had a really fun time. I met so many people that day. All great people actually. I felt really comfortable with everyone, even though before Scott picked me up, I had a panic attack s: Oh well. When my Mum invited him into the house and I met him, I instantly felt at ease because he was so friendly and nice. So after that mishap, the rest of the day was awesome. I haven't talked to him in a while though, I should text him soon to see what's up. I think he's the first real friend I've had in a while. Same with Kelsey as well. 

Hmm... What else is positive? Oh~ I discovered that I only have to do two more courses and then I can graduate from school! (Well three technically) But I was looking into my Forest Technician course for college again and I found out that I only need grade 11 English and Math. So I just NEED to do my grade 10 and 11 Math and then I'm done. The third course I have is Psychology. It's not as important technically since it's not a Four Core subject, but I will still do it nonetheless. It kind of gave me a bit more hope to see that I'm getting closer.

I've kind of started secretly driving too. Shh~ don't tell anyone. I don't even have my learner's licence so I shouldn't be driving at all. But I scouted out a truck for my Mum a few months ago and I fell in love with it. I've just always had a soft spot for trucks. I think it's because they remind me of my Dad. Anyways. Sometimes my Mother would take us to the back roads in the truck and whenever we reached this really long straight stretch of road, Mum would pull over and say "Okay, now you drive." The first time my hands were clenched so tight around the steering wheel haha, but Mum said I did really good. She was actually surprised. After that first time, I wasn't so nervous and clenched up thankfully. I still don't see myself as becoming a big driver because of my condition, but I think I'd feel a bit better if I did have my licence. More so for emergencies in case no one else can drive and I'm the only one available. My councillor wants me to try and have my Learner's before I go to Newfoundland in August. I personally don't see it happening, but I could try. I'm supposed to try the test once before I go see her again, so I need to start studying >.< But my school work keeps calling me too and that's more important to me right now. We'll see I suppose. 

One more positive thing I can think of. Oh wait two. 1. I got Snow Patrol's new album finally!!!! Yay! I haven't heard it yet. I hope I'm not disappointed since Gary said him and the band were trying a new sound. I liked their last album so much though and he said that's the actual beginning for him because the sound in that last album was where he wanted to be with the band. And then they change their sound again for this album .___. Oh well. Maybe I'll hate it at first, but then love it later. Who knows.

Okay 2. My LOVELY FANTASTIC BEAUTIFUL girlfriend, ( I would say more nice things, but my brain doesn't work well this late any more) On her Tagged, she changed her last name to Simpson. She did this a while ago, but I wanted to share because when I saw it. It seriously brought me to tears. Tears of joy of course. It was just so wonderful to see. Even when I was still a girl I always wanted to keep my last name, regardless of who I married. Since I'm a guy now, in the law of marriage, the girl would just get my last name, so I kinda don't have to worry about that any more haha. I don't really see myself for the whole "marriage- let's get married" thing, but knowing that my girlfriend already wants to have my last name... It really means a lot you know? I love this girl to death. And I haven't even met her in person yet. We text, send videos, and skype each other, so we're not completely clueless of each other. But I already feel so close to her and she feels the same with me and I've never felt that way about a person. So when she can finally come out here to be with me (Once she's done school and everything of course) Then we'll see what happens. I do hope for the best. If things don't work out and she wants to go back home, that's not a problem either. Just gotta get her a ticket and she can be on her way. But I doubt that'll happen. I love her and she loves me and that's all that matters. That was really mushy gushy, I apologize xD Honestly not into that kinda shit. OH And I have one more positive thing actuallyyyyyyy. (You can tell I'm in a good mood now)


I'll end the journal with this too since it's so stupidly long. Alright. So my Mother phoned my Nan & Pop in Newfoundland, and explained to them what was "going on" with me and they completely accept me being Transgender. They love me regardless of who I am. I even got on the phone with Nan and we talked for a while and it was so hard not to cry because she's just so loving and honest and I'm gonna cry right now if I keep talking about it haha. But it was a good conversation and I can't wait to see them again. My Mother's sister and her family that live down there are a little iffy. But if they don't like it, then I don't have to see them- they don't have to see me. Sarah doesn't even like who I am now and even though I love her to bits, I'm not gonna let her get in my way and stop me. I'm not even going to listen to her when (because I know she will) she tries to convince me otherwise. I've been thinking about this a lot longer than she has.
Anyways- last part to this. Last week I told my father about being Transgender. I hadn't talked or messaged him since maybe February. The day of his Father's funeral... A lot has happened since then as well. But I knew that I had to tell him. Mum offered to and I was going to ask her to, but the day I got back from my doctor's appointment on Wednesday, I suddenly got the urge to tell him, so I went with it. Texted him- asked if he was busy and he said he just got home so I could phone him. So I did and we talked about random stuff for a while and when our convo died down I clenched my free hand and said I needed to tell him something important and I blurted it out. It felt so good omg. At first he was like "WAAAAAAAAT?!" Then he said it again after I repeated myself. Then he was silent. So I explained where I was and what I was going to do and how things go in Alberta and finally he sighed and said, "Well if that's what you want, I'll support you any way I can. I still love you no matter what." And again I was swallowing the lump in my throat and blinking my eyes like crazy, trying not to cry. (So difficult to do) After I got off the phone with him, I felt like even more weight was lifted off my shoulders. I felt like I was 20kgs lighter- I couldn't believe it. I was so happy I did a dance around my room too and ran down stairs to tell my brother.
It was nice
It feels good to be accepted by my immediate family. I'm not too sure about my second brother in Manitoba. My Mother told him about me as well and he said he was going to text me and he never did. This was at least a month ago. But my immediate family in Alberta accepts me and will support me in any way that I need. I might cry again thinking about this haha.


Forever emotional.

Oh.

Ah Blogspot has changed itself around so I am not quite sure how it works anymore. It has been another while since I last posted and I don't have a picture this time because I am writing this from my phone, so it won't allow me to add one. Oh well. Yeah I've settled on Sora Kale Simpson as my name. I wish I could get it changed legally already. I'm seeing a councillor and I was seeing a psychologist for a little while as well. They both know I'm Transgender and I came out to my family doctor as well. All are very supportive. Thank the gods. My doctor has also written me a referral letter to the gender identity doctor in Edmonton. So now I am on the list to see him... It's sad because the waiting time is usually 18+ months. I must be patient I suppose. I also hate how I have to start T first and be on it for two years before I can do any surgeries. Originally I wanted to do my top surgery first before I began anything else with my transition. But it's not allowed here. I wish I could just pull these things off me and be done with it. I almost ended up in a mental ward not too long ago. The hallucinations that I was having were really bad. They had me cutting myself and I wrote all these words and sentences all over my arms and legs. Mum cried that day. Later we went to the Medicine Hat hospital and we waited forever in the Emergence Room. I talked to two nurses. One worked for the Army. When the doctor finally walked in, all I could focus on was his disgusting breath. It smelled so strongly of coffee, it was all I could do to keep myself from puking. Anyways. He gave me an anti-psychotic/sleeping pill and it has helped for the most part. I sleep now- when I take it- and I don't see the hallucinations nearly as often. I think I've only really seen them 3 times since then. I don't bother telling mum though because I know it will upset her and lead to more hospital visits. Tonight is now Monday. Yesterday was Mother's Day and we don't usually do anything about it. I mentioned it last year to her and she said "Oh I don't want to do anything anyways" and then tonight she left a note on my nightstand saying how disappointed she is in Nick and I. She's probably more disappointed in me though since she's done so much for me for the past 3 years. I really don't deserve her. If it were just Nick and Matt, then her family would have been perfect. Hell mum and dad might even still be together. I didn't turn out to be mum's dream baby anyways. She wanted a girly girl that wanted to hang out at the mall with her and buy frilly and lacy things and whatnot. And I just ended up being a little boy trapped in a girl's body. What happened to that girl I wonder? She was probably the egg that got caught in one of her tubes. The one that caused my mum so much pain and suffering. I wonder, if the pregnancy had been normal and mum had that baby, if that would have been mum's perfect little girl? I'm supposed to be the miracle baby of the family, but I sure don't feel like it. Especially right now as I silently cry in bed. I always do something wrong. I always upset her. For a while I was actually really happy for once and I never had the urge to cut myself or harm myself in any way. But I guess my depression has come back. Even after the increase in my pills. That urge is back. Very strongly as well. I'm going to fight it as best I can, but who knows what will happen? I wish I could just disappear. I want to stop being such a burden on her. That's all I ever was. Right from when I started developing in the womb. I want to leave.

Burn your life down

Alright, I couldn't really last that much longer and I figured while I have this on my mind right now, I should might as well write it down. Ugh this chair is killing my back x__x
But yeah, I've basically been avoiding everyone and they're all getting annoyed with me and everything and upset, but I just can't bring myself to say anything. It's not their fault though, it's mine. Only mine. 


Two posts ago I mentioned how I had to go to a neurology clinic... it was just to get my ears checked S: WASTE OF TIME OMG. My balance was fine and my ears are fine, just a little scratched up since I scratch them so often lol. I'm still seeing my doctor often too and I told him about my depression and how it has worsened, but he didn't seem to bothered by it? I unno. He didn't say anything about it. He mostly just cares about the sleeping pills he's given me .__. This is the second kind he's given me and I still don't like them. I like my melatonin better. Reason being for the fact that I don't have to sleep FIFTEEN PLUS HOURS for it to wear off. So annoying. 


Another problem of mine... I've been hallucinating a lot. (I told my doctor this too, but it still never bothered him or anything /:) It's... I'm not sure how to explain it really and when I do try to explain it, I feel like a childish idiot. But I know it is a hallucination and that it shouldn't be there at least. It just feels so real that it scares me. I started seeing it around mid-January. Nothing bad happened at that time, it just started appearing one day and that was how it began. It's sort of like an intense darkness. Sometimes it's in the form of a cloud or a mist. Sometimes it is solid and other times it can take the form of these bugs. They're like spiders, but they have a human head- just with no face. This thing whatever it is, doesn't have a name or anything, but it does try to talk to me a lot. Most of the time it's not proper sentences. A lot of the time it just calls my name in a deep voice. It's usually low and quiet. Ugh I just gave myself a chill just thinking about it. This is what it will say sometimes:
"Sora.... Soorraaa, answer me Soraaaa. Sooorrrrrraaaaaaa"
"You're such a failure, why are you even bothering?"
"You'll never be a boy, you will always be a girl, no matter what you do!"
"Mutilate yourself Sora. Destroy yourself."
"They'll never save you once I've gotten to you. You are done."
  And things like that... When it first started appearing, it would mostly just stay in the left corner of my room (Left from by bed's perspective) And it would just call my name. Then eventually it would start moving around my room. Despite this, it would always disappear when someone else was in the room with me. Even if the cats were in the room with me, it would go away. That's why I even started letting Midnight hang out in my room. (He's a real pest that causes nothing but trouble) Then one night it got really bad. It was actually shouting my name and it gave me such an unsafe feeling that I started having a panic attack. I told Nick and he came up to my room and helped me calm down, the thing didn't leave this time though, it just fled to the left corner of my room and stayed there in it's swirly form. It did eventually go away though. Later that night it did come back and it caused another panic attack and Mum came in this time to help me. That's when I told her I was hallucinating, although it was really hard to get it out of my mouth. It was like something was trying to stop me from telling her. The thing didn't go away at all this time either, it stayed beside my night stand which is right against my bed basically. And it loomed over the both of us and Mum basically had to drag me out of my room to go sleep in her bed with her because she was worried. When I went to her room, it slowly appeared in the corner near my side of her bed and just stayed there the whole night. It was gone in the morning at least. But when it shows up, I have a hard time moving from wherever I'm sitting. I'm usually in my bed, so I'm basically confined to it when it appears. I wish it would go away. I really do. 


My brain is starting to screw up really bad. I'm surprised I can type coherent sentences, but there have been a lot of instances where I would miss a word or use the wrong word and whatnot. I feel like my brain is deteriorating. That's not supposed to happen until I'm 27! (That's how it is for everyone btw, it's a statistic) I've developed RLS too, which is really annoying and hinders my sleeping even more so. 


On Thursday, I have to get up really early to go to the hospital at 9.30 to fill out some paperwork. Then at 10.00 I am supposed to have a teleconference with a specialist from Medicine Hat. I want to talk to him alone, but with my Panic Disorder, I'm not sure if I can handle it. I know I'm going to be a nervous wreck when I get there. I always am. I just want to know what psychosis' my brain has picked up now.

Mad World

Heh, it's been a long time since I've posted anything once again. I've just been too lazy to go on my computer and write on this. If I could do it on my phone, I probably would, but I can't post pictures with it, so I figured why bother. A lot has happened since the last time I posted on here. I've come to the finalizations of my name... It's not going to be Lesani like I said before. It's going to be Sora. My middle name will be Kale as well and then I'll just keep my original surname. I love it too much to change it. Sora and Kale though... those two names really pop out at me and I almost feel as if I have a connection to them. It's sort of strange. But I hope I don't change my mind again. I don't think I will since when people refer to me by that name, I instantly get very happy inside. I've never had that before. 


I've come out to some of my family about being FtM. They were... sort of accepting of it. They'll all love me no matter what, but that's basically where the support ends. They feel as if this is a phase.... It's been a whole year since I've felt this way though, but we'll just see how I feel next year just to be sure on that because my mind really does change like the wind. My sister and my best male friend, Jace, are more so supportive than the rest of my family. Jace is at the top of the list though. He refers to me as male and calls me Sora. My sister just changed my name in her phone to Sora and that was basically it. But that is more than what my mother, brother, and cousin have done for me. It doesn't bother me so much with Nick though- not sure why, but I just don't care what he calls me. It doesn't hurt when he calls me his sister or Selina. But it does hurt when my mum does it though. I think it's because she has started using it excessively since I've come out to her. And she has been trying to enforce wearing female clothing and acting like a female, calling me her little girl and such. Last week... was it last week? It might have been, if not it was two. Anyways, I attended my grandfather's funeral and mum INSISTED PROFUSELY that I should wear a dress. I wanted to yell at her so badly, but I just bit my tongue and fled to my room. Later I pulled out a dress shirt and asked her to iron it and she still did thankfully. But after I got it when she was done and said thank you, she said "I still think you should wear a dress."  I just used the cold weather as an excuse not to and it worked. She wants me to wear one for Natalie's grad to, but screw that! I want to wear a nice black dress shirt with either a white neck tie or a bow tie. That's it. Well and pants too xD And all the other important things like shoes, etc. Next time she tries to enforce female clothing to me again, I'm going to talk back though. I really hate talking back to my superiors, but I've really had enough. I want to get it through her head- whether this is a phase or not- even though I highly doubt it is. I have told her before how I felt about her calling me female and using Selina and how it hurts. At the time she said, "Okay okay, I'll do it for you!" And the next day it was like she was using Selina and female pronouns even more than before! It hurts my heart when people do that. It really does. What hurts the most is when they say, "Oh well you'll still be Selina to me." Or "You'll always be a girl to me." That really hurts. I almost want to cry on the spot when people do that. 


Lately my depression has gotten a lot worse. I've actually been fighting it since I was twelve and it has had its ups and downs, but lately it's just been horrid. I've even been having suicidal thoughts. No one needs to worry though, I won't do anything like kill my self. I won't even try. I have more self control than that. But the urges are very strong. I have started to cut myself again. On my legs this time. It is so much easier to hide than on my arms. I do cut my arms sometimes, but I make them look like cat scratches so they blend in with the actual cat scratches that I have gotten from Midnight haha. I try to hold back from cutting as much as I can though. The longest I've gone so far without is two weeks I think. I also leave a lot of bruises on my legs too. I just kind of like it when I see myself beat up now. I'm not sure why. I'll see pictures on Tumblr where people will have a black eye or they got punched in the face so their nose is bleeding and such like that and I immediately think, "Gosh why can't that happen to me?" I know it's not right, but I do think that a lot. And it's not just Tumblr, it's basically any site on the internet that I go on really. People also have been irritating me a lot lately. I don't want to talk or have anything to do with anyone. I text Nick (Even though he's just downstairs from me LOL) sometimes, but that's it. Whenever someone else messages me or texts me, I don't even answer it. I read it and then roll over in bed. I've been spending more time in bed too and I already spend an excessive amount of time in it. All I want to do is sleep and not have to eat or talk to anyone or have to do anything any more. 


I just realized how long this post is... I'll just make another later.