Burn your life down

Alright, I couldn't really last that much longer and I figured while I have this on my mind right now, I should might as well write it down. Ugh this chair is killing my back x__x
But yeah, I've basically been avoiding everyone and they're all getting annoyed with me and everything and upset, but I just can't bring myself to say anything. It's not their fault though, it's mine. Only mine. 


Two posts ago I mentioned how I had to go to a neurology clinic... it was just to get my ears checked S: WASTE OF TIME OMG. My balance was fine and my ears are fine, just a little scratched up since I scratch them so often lol. I'm still seeing my doctor often too and I told him about my depression and how it has worsened, but he didn't seem to bothered by it? I unno. He didn't say anything about it. He mostly just cares about the sleeping pills he's given me .__. This is the second kind he's given me and I still don't like them. I like my melatonin better. Reason being for the fact that I don't have to sleep FIFTEEN PLUS HOURS for it to wear off. So annoying. 


Another problem of mine... I've been hallucinating a lot. (I told my doctor this too, but it still never bothered him or anything /:) It's... I'm not sure how to explain it really and when I do try to explain it, I feel like a childish idiot. But I know it is a hallucination and that it shouldn't be there at least. It just feels so real that it scares me. I started seeing it around mid-January. Nothing bad happened at that time, it just started appearing one day and that was how it began. It's sort of like an intense darkness. Sometimes it's in the form of a cloud or a mist. Sometimes it is solid and other times it can take the form of these bugs. They're like spiders, but they have a human head- just with no face. This thing whatever it is, doesn't have a name or anything, but it does try to talk to me a lot. Most of the time it's not proper sentences. A lot of the time it just calls my name in a deep voice. It's usually low and quiet. Ugh I just gave myself a chill just thinking about it. This is what it will say sometimes:
"Sora.... Soorraaa, answer me Soraaaa. Sooorrrrrraaaaaaa"
"You're such a failure, why are you even bothering?"
"You'll never be a boy, you will always be a girl, no matter what you do!"
"Mutilate yourself Sora. Destroy yourself."
"They'll never save you once I've gotten to you. You are done."
  And things like that... When it first started appearing, it would mostly just stay in the left corner of my room (Left from by bed's perspective) And it would just call my name. Then eventually it would start moving around my room. Despite this, it would always disappear when someone else was in the room with me. Even if the cats were in the room with me, it would go away. That's why I even started letting Midnight hang out in my room. (He's a real pest that causes nothing but trouble) Then one night it got really bad. It was actually shouting my name and it gave me such an unsafe feeling that I started having a panic attack. I told Nick and he came up to my room and helped me calm down, the thing didn't leave this time though, it just fled to the left corner of my room and stayed there in it's swirly form. It did eventually go away though. Later that night it did come back and it caused another panic attack and Mum came in this time to help me. That's when I told her I was hallucinating, although it was really hard to get it out of my mouth. It was like something was trying to stop me from telling her. The thing didn't go away at all this time either, it stayed beside my night stand which is right against my bed basically. And it loomed over the both of us and Mum basically had to drag me out of my room to go sleep in her bed with her because she was worried. When I went to her room, it slowly appeared in the corner near my side of her bed and just stayed there the whole night. It was gone in the morning at least. But when it shows up, I have a hard time moving from wherever I'm sitting. I'm usually in my bed, so I'm basically confined to it when it appears. I wish it would go away. I really do. 


My brain is starting to screw up really bad. I'm surprised I can type coherent sentences, but there have been a lot of instances where I would miss a word or use the wrong word and whatnot. I feel like my brain is deteriorating. That's not supposed to happen until I'm 27! (That's how it is for everyone btw, it's a statistic) I've developed RLS too, which is really annoying and hinders my sleeping even more so. 


On Thursday, I have to get up really early to go to the hospital at 9.30 to fill out some paperwork. Then at 10.00 I am supposed to have a teleconference with a specialist from Medicine Hat. I want to talk to him alone, but with my Panic Disorder, I'm not sure if I can handle it. I know I'm going to be a nervous wreck when I get there. I always am. I just want to know what psychosis' my brain has picked up now.