Mad World

Heh, it's been a long time since I've posted anything once again. I've just been too lazy to go on my computer and write on this. If I could do it on my phone, I probably would, but I can't post pictures with it, so I figured why bother. A lot has happened since the last time I posted on here. I've come to the finalizations of my name... It's not going to be Lesani like I said before. It's going to be Sora. My middle name will be Kale as well and then I'll just keep my original surname. I love it too much to change it. Sora and Kale though... those two names really pop out at me and I almost feel as if I have a connection to them. It's sort of strange. But I hope I don't change my mind again. I don't think I will since when people refer to me by that name, I instantly get very happy inside. I've never had that before. 


I've come out to some of my family about being FtM. They were... sort of accepting of it. They'll all love me no matter what, but that's basically where the support ends. They feel as if this is a phase.... It's been a whole year since I've felt this way though, but we'll just see how I feel next year just to be sure on that because my mind really does change like the wind. My sister and my best male friend, Jace, are more so supportive than the rest of my family. Jace is at the top of the list though. He refers to me as male and calls me Sora. My sister just changed my name in her phone to Sora and that was basically it. But that is more than what my mother, brother, and cousin have done for me. It doesn't bother me so much with Nick though- not sure why, but I just don't care what he calls me. It doesn't hurt when he calls me his sister or Selina. But it does hurt when my mum does it though. I think it's because she has started using it excessively since I've come out to her. And she has been trying to enforce wearing female clothing and acting like a female, calling me her little girl and such. Last week... was it last week? It might have been, if not it was two. Anyways, I attended my grandfather's funeral and mum INSISTED PROFUSELY that I should wear a dress. I wanted to yell at her so badly, but I just bit my tongue and fled to my room. Later I pulled out a dress shirt and asked her to iron it and she still did thankfully. But after I got it when she was done and said thank you, she said "I still think you should wear a dress."  I just used the cold weather as an excuse not to and it worked. She wants me to wear one for Natalie's grad to, but screw that! I want to wear a nice black dress shirt with either a white neck tie or a bow tie. That's it. Well and pants too xD And all the other important things like shoes, etc. Next time she tries to enforce female clothing to me again, I'm going to talk back though. I really hate talking back to my superiors, but I've really had enough. I want to get it through her head- whether this is a phase or not- even though I highly doubt it is. I have told her before how I felt about her calling me female and using Selina and how it hurts. At the time she said, "Okay okay, I'll do it for you!" And the next day it was like she was using Selina and female pronouns even more than before! It hurts my heart when people do that. It really does. What hurts the most is when they say, "Oh well you'll still be Selina to me." Or "You'll always be a girl to me." That really hurts. I almost want to cry on the spot when people do that. 


Lately my depression has gotten a lot worse. I've actually been fighting it since I was twelve and it has had its ups and downs, but lately it's just been horrid. I've even been having suicidal thoughts. No one needs to worry though, I won't do anything like kill my self. I won't even try. I have more self control than that. But the urges are very strong. I have started to cut myself again. On my legs this time. It is so much easier to hide than on my arms. I do cut my arms sometimes, but I make them look like cat scratches so they blend in with the actual cat scratches that I have gotten from Midnight haha. I try to hold back from cutting as much as I can though. The longest I've gone so far without is two weeks I think. I also leave a lot of bruises on my legs too. I just kind of like it when I see myself beat up now. I'm not sure why. I'll see pictures on Tumblr where people will have a black eye or they got punched in the face so their nose is bleeding and such like that and I immediately think, "Gosh why can't that happen to me?" I know it's not right, but I do think that a lot. And it's not just Tumblr, it's basically any site on the internet that I go on really. People also have been irritating me a lot lately. I don't want to talk or have anything to do with anyone. I text Nick (Even though he's just downstairs from me LOL) sometimes, but that's it. Whenever someone else messages me or texts me, I don't even answer it. I read it and then roll over in bed. I've been spending more time in bed too and I already spend an excessive amount of time in it. All I want to do is sleep and not have to eat or talk to anyone or have to do anything any more. 


I just realized how long this post is... I'll just make another later.