Comin' Home

Holy shit it's been forever since I've been on here. Months even. Well I suppose I should share some boring information with you guys, while I'm here because I have no clue when I'll decide to come here again. I don't go on my computer much any more, so it's kind of difficult to write journal entries haha. I would do it on my phone, but I can't post pictures with it, so I'd rather not use it.
Anyways, hmm... Well I suppose I've changed quite a bit since my last picture hey? Haha. I'm trying to look more guyish. TRYING. I'm only pulling off an androgynous look though- as my friends keep telling me. I guess it's close enough for now, but oh well. If only I were taller. >.< I've decided that I'm going to actually go through with it and classify myself as a Transgender, instead of just Genderqueer. FtM Transgender that is.  I want to start hormones and get top surgery done. I'm not sure if I want bottom surgery though, who knows.  For now I don't want to though. I'd like to go and apply for a name change too, but I'm not sure of where to get that done and plus, it's probably going to have to be done in the city anyways and I don't exactly have a way to get there. I'm not healthy enough to drive because of my Panic Disorder- they won't let me. But I just want my name to officially be the name I have chosen instead of what it is now. I want it to be Lesani Søren Simpson. Lesani is just the rearranged letters of my birthname, so in a way it's still the same name. I just find that it fits me more. But you know, I don't even mind if my I.D. cards still say that I'm female. I just want the name changed. That's all


The reason why I called this journal entry "Comin' Home" is because I think I may have really figured out what I'm going to do with my life once I graduate from homeschooling. At first I was going to move to Newfoundland with my cousin, Sarah, but I realized how homesick I would be if I did so.  Sure Bassano isn't my home, it never was, but the mountains sure are.  They always have been, I've just always had this really creepy close connection to them. As if that's where I truly belonged. I don't like the prairie, where you're in the middle of nowhere and there's nothing but rednecks and natives here. Everyone has an annoying stuck up attitude and they're all fake. I had to actually be fake because of that. And everyone is so judgemental down here too. So I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to move to Jasper with my mum. I'll stay with her for a bit, until we're both settled and have jobs and whatnot, then I'll move into... maybe an apartment of some sort, of my own. As much as I love Sarah, I need to look out for what's best for me as well. Especially considering my sickness. If I weren't so sick, I'd just say "fuck it, I'm gonna do what I want." But I can't exactly do that and I'm going to have this for a long time.  Panic Disorder might not seem to be all that bad, but it just blows everything out of proportion for me. I actually worried myself sick last night and tonight because of how much I was worried over where I was going to go after school. I'm glad I decided to talk to my mum about it though. I love her a lot, even though she does tend to get on my nerves and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to tell her about my Transgender issues, but I still love her to bits. And she said she'd actually feel more comfortable if I came with her anyways.  It's kind of weird though, after our talk she said that she wouldn't care if I lived with her until she was a hundred years old, but earlier this year she said that she was going to kick me out of the house after I graduated. She certainly does like to change her mind a lot. Although, this time I'm glad she did. 


Don't get me wrong though, I don't want to be stuck on her forever, I know I'm a lot to handle because of my... would it be considered as a disability? Maybe... Who knows. But I do realize how often I get on her nerves because of how sick I am and if I can have a chance to take myself off her hands, I'm going to take it, y'know? She's been taking care of me my whole life (Well her and my brother, Nick) and she is still taking care of Nick too, since he can't be bothered to leave. .__. So if I could break from the nest, it will be a bit easier on her. And I doubt that when we move that Nick is going to want to come too. He talked a little bit about moving to Calgary, but who knows if he'll actually do it. 

I'm not sure how I'm going to break the news to Sarah, but I have to figure it out somehow. I would suggest for her to come here, but she doesn't want to and I don't want to force her or whatever, since that's obviously selfish to do, so I'm not even going to bother in asking.  I'll still visit her on my holidays though, so it's not like I'm going to say goodbye to her forever. I'm still going to go see her this summer too, although probably not for as long as I said I was going to on account of my health. I hate being sick, it limits me so much. T-T When I do move to Jasper though, I'm going to be real though. You know how I said previous that I had to be fake here in order to fit in? Well I'm not gonna care about that any more. On the internet world, I'm my actual self. I tell no lies, I am honest and upfront with everyone. That's why my internet friends no be better than my IRL friends. As sad as it is to admit, but it's true. But if I can be myself in the internet world, then I need to do so in the real world too. No one is going to know me in Jasper, so I will basically be starting a new life. And this, I am looking forward to a lot. I'll have my mum there to help me out and then I'll be on my own. It actually makes me really happy in thinking this. It will be a little weird being by myself though at first, but I'll get used to it. I just hope I don't get too paranoid haha. I'm actually smiling right now. Like... I feel as if I have a better set plan compared to what I had before. And let me tell you, it will be a lot easier to just move to Jasper than moving all the way to Newfoundland. 

I can't wait really. I think this might actually be the push I need in order to get myself working harder on my school work. I have something I can strive towards. I didn't feel so confident when I felt that I was going to move to Newfoundland, but thinking about Jasper puts more.... enthusiasm within me. I can't wait for the trip up to Jasper. It's seven hours, but it's completely beautiful the entire way. Well... after you pass Calgary anyways haha. So six hours of beautiful nature and then settling into a new home. A new beginning. It's really lovely to think about. Once I'm up there, I'm going to be more active too. I'll have a real reason to go outside instead of being inside all the time. I'll get more into my artistry and photography as well. I've made myself excited now. xD Oh me. Well it's New Year's Eve right now. 2012 had BETTER be a greater year than this year and the one previous. I'm tired of the bullshit. I'd like happier times than what I've had to experience so far. I have a neurology appointment in Calgary on the third though, so I don't have high expectations LOL. 

I can't wait to go home. xoxo

I took this outside of Jasper two years ago. I think this is my favorite picture that I've taken. <3