Uggghhhnnnnfffffhhhhh Man I haven't written here in forever, it's horrible! Well to be honest, there wasn't much to write about anyways, because... Well I'm a boring person lol. But I figured I should do something since I think this computer might be taken away from me in the near future. The reason being is because I haven't been working on my homeschooling at all since I've gotten my math. When I was working on the other courses, I was able to do them easily and pretty quickly too, but when I got my math, I just couldn't think anymore and I kept getting distracted and everything. It's really stupid and my mum is going to take away the things that have been distracting me. But y'know? I don't blame her. I've no one to blame but myself really lol. Oh gods I'm a horrible person... I think once I DO finish my math though, I'm going to ask to avoid any other math courses until I'm done everything else. Otherwise this will take FOREVER and I'm behind enough as it is. You know I thought setting goals for myself would help and I did set some, but they didn't help, I'm not even following by the terms I need in order to acheive those goals. I really hate this. I just want to finish my schooling, but I can't get off my lazy arse to do it.Today I wore a shirt that my mum bought me when she went to the Balzack(sp) mall. I felt... Really uncomfortable in it. (the shirt I'm wearing in the pic) Lately I've just been wearing boy shorts and a boy t-shirt (different ones of course, not just one LOL) And I felt really comfortable in those, like... I felt like myself in them. Even when I wore my jeans. Or I would wear a button-down and a pair of jeans. Of course I'd always wear my binder with them too, so I would look kind of like a boy, but I liked that. A lot. But when I put on that shirt my mum bought me, I couldn't wear my binder and I just felt so wrong, so out of place. I kind of look like a boy that was forced to wear girl's clothes lol. I'm wearing a button-down shirt now though, so I'm a bit better. But I think this gave me more proof on how I'm starting to feel on the inside. I mean... Ever since I started getting a bit better, I've been feeling so strange (so many "feel's" lol) Like I'm not the person I once was, since I've had to change so much in order to adapt to this "new" self. My mum used to talk a lot about me having to find my new "normal" and I'm starting to really take that to heart. But I never thought my new "normal" would be something like this. This thought occured to me when I was looking at pictures when I was younger, when I was hanging out with my cousin in Newfoundland. Back then I had really short hair and hardly any curves whatsoever. Many people would confuse me for being a boy and whenever they would do that, I would pretend to get mad at them, but on the inside... I was kind of glad that I was mistaken for a boy. There was another time when I was older and a boy and I went out for Halloween. It was my last year trick-or-treating, and we went to this one house and when the guy gave us our candy he said "Here you go, boys!" When we left to the next house, the boy I was with laughed at the guy who confused me with being a boy as well, but behind my mask, I was very happy, although at the time I never quite knew why. But I think now as I find my new "normal" I've come to realize why I liked being mistaken for a boy. Maybe it's because that's who I am on the inside. When I look back on my childhood and all the things I've done and will do, it makes a lot of sense. I mean, it all adds up.
Now don't get me wrong, I highly doubt I will transition into becoming a man or even take anything like T or have surgeries and what-not. I'm... not really happy persay, but I've come to accept my body as it is y'know? But I think maybe if I were a stronger person and could handle stuff like needles and surgery, I might actually consider transitioning. Despite all this though, when I really think about it, I'm not sure if this is just a phase or how I really feel. Right now, currently, I'm considering myself as a GenderQueer, but only because I'm not sure who I am right now. I would like to find out soon, but I'm only 17 and even though that might seem long to some people, to most it seems to be not long enough. I think for me, if I still feel this way by next year around this time, then I might do some other considerations, but for now I will just remain GQ. Because, who knows, I might change my mind later on and want to be something else, right? Sometimes I hate being a teenager lol. It's so confusing.
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