Oh man, the things that have been happening here have just been driving me mad, I sort of have a lot to talk about, but at the same time, I wonder once it's written, if it really will be a lot or not. I didn't sleep again last night. My eyes are really sore and tired, but my mind is wide awake and I'm not sure what to do. But this situation happens quite often and when I was healthier, when this happened it didn't matter that much, I could pull all-nighters easily, but now when I don't sleep, it feels like my body slowly wears down and I feel really sick, but I can't sleep to fix it. Thing is when I'm tired like this, I can't concentrate on important stuff either, and I really need to work on my math. As you can see I still do have my computer, but it's still on the line for my mum taking it away from me and I really hope it doesn't come to that. If she takes that, then my DSiXL is next. Which reminds me, last night, I finally settled on a name for my DSiXL. I've decided to call him Damien, after this boy that I really admire and maybe even love. If you can love someone you've never met that is. We've said maybe two sentences to eachother? But every time he replied I just felt really overjoyed and cozy inside. It was wonderful. I know I'll never get to meet this boy in person, but as long as he posts on deviantart and blogspot, I think I'll be happy. He also got engaged! I'm quite happy for him if not a little tiny bit jealous, but like I mentioned, I'll never get to meet him, so what's the point in longing for him right?
Speaking of boys, I logged into facebook this morning and this guy asked me out, but he asked me when I was offline so of course I couldn't answer! But he asked it in such a strange way, in a way where I couldn't really answer even if I was on. Uhh here let me show you how it went.
xxx says:
hey selina
if i asked you out would you be my girlfriend
thasa no
gotcha
I mean how do I reply to that if he answers before I can? But when I read it and when I thought about what he said, my anxiety really started kicking in, like really badly. I mean, I've liked this guy for over a year now and I told him too, but I never expected him to actually ask me out. If you think about it, I'm in a terrible position to be a partner to someone, then again I always have been, but even more so because I hardly leave my house and I'm very selfish. Just overall I don't think I would qualify to be the partner that he deserves. (By partner I mean bf/gf btw, I don't want to use gender roles right now) Like once you really get to know him, he's a REALLY good guy and he knows me a lot better than many of my other friends, like he understand me more in certain categories that other people wouldn't. But I remember he said before that we couldn't go out because we're too different and that he was having a lot of emotional problems too, so I didn't really want to press on him about it y'know? But since he said those things back then, where does he stand now? Does he still feel the same as he did before? And if he does, why is he asking me to be his partner? Or was he even serious? Was he tired? Was he drunk? I don't know, but these things keep running through my head and it causes so much anxiety within me, I don't know what to do. Or even what to say.
if i asked you out would you be my girlfriend
thasa no
gotcha
I mean how do I reply to that if he answers before I can? But when I read it and when I thought about what he said, my anxiety really started kicking in, like really badly. I mean, I've liked this guy for over a year now and I told him too, but I never expected him to actually ask me out. If you think about it, I'm in a terrible position to be a partner to someone, then again I always have been, but even more so because I hardly leave my house and I'm very selfish. Just overall I don't think I would qualify to be the partner that he deserves. (By partner I mean bf/gf btw, I don't want to use gender roles right now) Like once you really get to know him, he's a REALLY good guy and he knows me a lot better than many of my other friends, like he understand me more in certain categories that other people wouldn't. But I remember he said before that we couldn't go out because we're too different and that he was having a lot of emotional problems too, so I didn't really want to press on him about it y'know? But since he said those things back then, where does he stand now? Does he still feel the same as he did before? And if he does, why is he asking me to be his partner? Or was he even serious? Was he tired? Was he drunk? I don't know, but these things keep running through my head and it causes so much anxiety within me, I don't know what to do. Or even what to say.
Even though my lightheadedness has gotten a SHITTON better compared to what it was a few months ago, and I'm getting stronger as the months pass, my anxiety has heightened exponentially. When I was healthy I was still a very nervous person, even when I was in school and we had to do a presentation to the class, I would get nervous and I would start shaking and when I talked it almost sounded as if I wanted to cry. That's how nervous I got and that's how easily I would get nervous. And now I get anxious when I find out that people are coming over, even when they're my friends! I've tried to talk to my mum about how I should maybe be medicated for this, but my mum refuses to put me on medication since it'll "really screw me up" And I think, "Gee mum, I'm pretty screwed up already, this shouldn't be much worse." But I think once I tell her how bad it's gotten, maybe she'll reconsider, I really hope she does. Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to be medicated, it's the last thing I want, but because of the extent that this anxiety problem has gotten to, I think I might need a little help and if you think about it, if I have less anxiety, I'll be able to sleep more, because that's what keeps me up at night.
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