Burn your life down

Alright, I couldn't really last that much longer and I figured while I have this on my mind right now, I should might as well write it down. Ugh this chair is killing my back x__x
But yeah, I've basically been avoiding everyone and they're all getting annoyed with me and everything and upset, but I just can't bring myself to say anything. It's not their fault though, it's mine. Only mine. 


Two posts ago I mentioned how I had to go to a neurology clinic... it was just to get my ears checked S: WASTE OF TIME OMG. My balance was fine and my ears are fine, just a little scratched up since I scratch them so often lol. I'm still seeing my doctor often too and I told him about my depression and how it has worsened, but he didn't seem to bothered by it? I unno. He didn't say anything about it. He mostly just cares about the sleeping pills he's given me .__. This is the second kind he's given me and I still don't like them. I like my melatonin better. Reason being for the fact that I don't have to sleep FIFTEEN PLUS HOURS for it to wear off. So annoying. 


Another problem of mine... I've been hallucinating a lot. (I told my doctor this too, but it still never bothered him or anything /:) It's... I'm not sure how to explain it really and when I do try to explain it, I feel like a childish idiot. But I know it is a hallucination and that it shouldn't be there at least. It just feels so real that it scares me. I started seeing it around mid-January. Nothing bad happened at that time, it just started appearing one day and that was how it began. It's sort of like an intense darkness. Sometimes it's in the form of a cloud or a mist. Sometimes it is solid and other times it can take the form of these bugs. They're like spiders, but they have a human head- just with no face. This thing whatever it is, doesn't have a name or anything, but it does try to talk to me a lot. Most of the time it's not proper sentences. A lot of the time it just calls my name in a deep voice. It's usually low and quiet. Ugh I just gave myself a chill just thinking about it. This is what it will say sometimes:
"Sora.... Soorraaa, answer me Soraaaa. Sooorrrrrraaaaaaa"
"You're such a failure, why are you even bothering?"
"You'll never be a boy, you will always be a girl, no matter what you do!"
"Mutilate yourself Sora. Destroy yourself."
"They'll never save you once I've gotten to you. You are done."
  And things like that... When it first started appearing, it would mostly just stay in the left corner of my room (Left from by bed's perspective) And it would just call my name. Then eventually it would start moving around my room. Despite this, it would always disappear when someone else was in the room with me. Even if the cats were in the room with me, it would go away. That's why I even started letting Midnight hang out in my room. (He's a real pest that causes nothing but trouble) Then one night it got really bad. It was actually shouting my name and it gave me such an unsafe feeling that I started having a panic attack. I told Nick and he came up to my room and helped me calm down, the thing didn't leave this time though, it just fled to the left corner of my room and stayed there in it's swirly form. It did eventually go away though. Later that night it did come back and it caused another panic attack and Mum came in this time to help me. That's when I told her I was hallucinating, although it was really hard to get it out of my mouth. It was like something was trying to stop me from telling her. The thing didn't go away at all this time either, it stayed beside my night stand which is right against my bed basically. And it loomed over the both of us and Mum basically had to drag me out of my room to go sleep in her bed with her because she was worried. When I went to her room, it slowly appeared in the corner near my side of her bed and just stayed there the whole night. It was gone in the morning at least. But when it shows up, I have a hard time moving from wherever I'm sitting. I'm usually in my bed, so I'm basically confined to it when it appears. I wish it would go away. I really do. 


My brain is starting to screw up really bad. I'm surprised I can type coherent sentences, but there have been a lot of instances where I would miss a word or use the wrong word and whatnot. I feel like my brain is deteriorating. That's not supposed to happen until I'm 27! (That's how it is for everyone btw, it's a statistic) I've developed RLS too, which is really annoying and hinders my sleeping even more so. 


On Thursday, I have to get up really early to go to the hospital at 9.30 to fill out some paperwork. Then at 10.00 I am supposed to have a teleconference with a specialist from Medicine Hat. I want to talk to him alone, but with my Panic Disorder, I'm not sure if I can handle it. I know I'm going to be a nervous wreck when I get there. I always am. I just want to know what psychosis' my brain has picked up now.

Mad World

Heh, it's been a long time since I've posted anything once again. I've just been too lazy to go on my computer and write on this. If I could do it on my phone, I probably would, but I can't post pictures with it, so I figured why bother. A lot has happened since the last time I posted on here. I've come to the finalizations of my name... It's not going to be Lesani like I said before. It's going to be Sora. My middle name will be Kale as well and then I'll just keep my original surname. I love it too much to change it. Sora and Kale though... those two names really pop out at me and I almost feel as if I have a connection to them. It's sort of strange. But I hope I don't change my mind again. I don't think I will since when people refer to me by that name, I instantly get very happy inside. I've never had that before. 


I've come out to some of my family about being FtM. They were... sort of accepting of it. They'll all love me no matter what, but that's basically where the support ends. They feel as if this is a phase.... It's been a whole year since I've felt this way though, but we'll just see how I feel next year just to be sure on that because my mind really does change like the wind. My sister and my best male friend, Jace, are more so supportive than the rest of my family. Jace is at the top of the list though. He refers to me as male and calls me Sora. My sister just changed my name in her phone to Sora and that was basically it. But that is more than what my mother, brother, and cousin have done for me. It doesn't bother me so much with Nick though- not sure why, but I just don't care what he calls me. It doesn't hurt when he calls me his sister or Selina. But it does hurt when my mum does it though. I think it's because she has started using it excessively since I've come out to her. And she has been trying to enforce wearing female clothing and acting like a female, calling me her little girl and such. Last week... was it last week? It might have been, if not it was two. Anyways, I attended my grandfather's funeral and mum INSISTED PROFUSELY that I should wear a dress. I wanted to yell at her so badly, but I just bit my tongue and fled to my room. Later I pulled out a dress shirt and asked her to iron it and she still did thankfully. But after I got it when she was done and said thank you, she said "I still think you should wear a dress."  I just used the cold weather as an excuse not to and it worked. She wants me to wear one for Natalie's grad to, but screw that! I want to wear a nice black dress shirt with either a white neck tie or a bow tie. That's it. Well and pants too xD And all the other important things like shoes, etc. Next time she tries to enforce female clothing to me again, I'm going to talk back though. I really hate talking back to my superiors, but I've really had enough. I want to get it through her head- whether this is a phase or not- even though I highly doubt it is. I have told her before how I felt about her calling me female and using Selina and how it hurts. At the time she said, "Okay okay, I'll do it for you!" And the next day it was like she was using Selina and female pronouns even more than before! It hurts my heart when people do that. It really does. What hurts the most is when they say, "Oh well you'll still be Selina to me." Or "You'll always be a girl to me." That really hurts. I almost want to cry on the spot when people do that. 


Lately my depression has gotten a lot worse. I've actually been fighting it since I was twelve and it has had its ups and downs, but lately it's just been horrid. I've even been having suicidal thoughts. No one needs to worry though, I won't do anything like kill my self. I won't even try. I have more self control than that. But the urges are very strong. I have started to cut myself again. On my legs this time. It is so much easier to hide than on my arms. I do cut my arms sometimes, but I make them look like cat scratches so they blend in with the actual cat scratches that I have gotten from Midnight haha. I try to hold back from cutting as much as I can though. The longest I've gone so far without is two weeks I think. I also leave a lot of bruises on my legs too. I just kind of like it when I see myself beat up now. I'm not sure why. I'll see pictures on Tumblr where people will have a black eye or they got punched in the face so their nose is bleeding and such like that and I immediately think, "Gosh why can't that happen to me?" I know it's not right, but I do think that a lot. And it's not just Tumblr, it's basically any site on the internet that I go on really. People also have been irritating me a lot lately. I don't want to talk or have anything to do with anyone. I text Nick (Even though he's just downstairs from me LOL) sometimes, but that's it. Whenever someone else messages me or texts me, I don't even answer it. I read it and then roll over in bed. I've been spending more time in bed too and I already spend an excessive amount of time in it. All I want to do is sleep and not have to eat or talk to anyone or have to do anything any more. 


I just realized how long this post is... I'll just make another later.