Anxious, Anxious, Anxious, Please Lay Down With Me.

Oh man, the things that have been happening here have just been driving me mad, I sort of have a lot to talk about, but at the same time, I wonder once it's written, if it really will be a lot or not.

I didn't sleep again last night. My eyes are really sore and tired, but my mind is wide awake and I'm not sure what to do. But this situation happens quite often and when I was healthier, when this happened it didn't matter that much, I could pull all-nighters easily, but now when I don't sleep, it feels like my body slowly wears down and I feel really sick, but I can't sleep to fix it.  Thing is when I'm tired like this, I can't concentrate on important stuff either, and I really need to work on my math.  As you can see I still do have my computer, but it's still on the line for my mum taking it away from me and I really hope it doesn't come to that.  If she takes that, then my DSiXL is next. Which reminds me, last night, I finally settled on a name for my DSiXL.  I've decided to call him Damien, after this boy that I really admire and maybe even love.  If you can love someone you've never met that is. We've said maybe two sentences to eachother? But every time he replied I just felt really overjoyed and cozy inside. It was wonderful.  I know I'll never get to meet this boy in person, but as long as he posts on deviantart and blogspot, I think I'll be happy.  He also got engaged! I'm quite happy for him if not a little tiny bit jealous, but like I mentioned, I'll never get to meet him, so what's the point in longing for him right?

Speaking of boys, I logged into facebook this morning and this guy asked me out, but he asked me when I was offline so of course I couldn't answer! But he asked it in such a strange way, in a way where I couldn't really answer even if I was on. Uhh here let me show you how it went.
xxx says:

hey selina
if i asked you out would you be my girlfriend
thasa no
gotcha

I mean how do I reply to that if he answers before I can? But when I read it and when I thought about what he said, my anxiety really started kicking in, like really badly.  I mean, I've liked this guy for over a year now and I told him too, but I never expected him to actually ask me out. If you think about it, I'm in a terrible position to be a partner to someone, then again I always have been, but even more so because I hardly leave my house and I'm very selfish. Just overall I don't think I would qualify to be the partner that he deserves. (By partner I mean bf/gf btw, I don't want to use gender roles right now) Like once you really get to know him, he's a REALLY good guy and he knows me a lot better than many of my other friends, like he understand me more in certain categories that other people wouldn't.  But I remember he said before that we couldn't go out because we're too different and that he was having a lot of emotional problems too, so I didn't really want to press on him about it y'know? But since he said those things back then, where does he stand now? Does he still feel the same as he did before? And if he does, why is he asking me to be his partner? Or was he even serious? Was he tired? Was he drunk? I don't know, but these things keep running through my head and it causes so much anxiety within me, I don't know what to do. Or even what to say.

Even though my lightheadedness has gotten a SHITTON better compared to what it was a few months ago, and I'm getting stronger as the months pass, my anxiety has heightened exponentially.  When I was healthy I was still a very nervous person, even when I was in school and we had to do a presentation to the class, I would get nervous and I would start shaking and when I talked it almost sounded as if I wanted to cry. That's how nervous I got and that's how easily I would get nervous.  And now I get anxious when I find out that people are coming over, even when they're my friends! I've tried to talk to my mum about how I should maybe be medicated for this, but my mum refuses to put me on medication since it'll "really screw me up" And I think, "Gee mum, I'm pretty screwed up already, this shouldn't be much worse." But I think once I tell her how bad it's gotten, maybe she'll reconsider, I really hope she does.  Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to be medicated, it's the last thing I want, but because of the extent that this anxiety problem has gotten to, I think I might need a little help and if you think about it, if I have less anxiety, I'll be able to sleep more, because that's what keeps me up at night.

Kill Me Softly

Uggghhhnnnnfffffhhhhh Man I haven't written here in forever, it's horrible! Well to be honest, there wasn't much to write about anyways, because... Well I'm a boring person lol.  But I figured I should do something since I think this computer might be taken away from me in the near future.  The reason being is because I haven't been working on my homeschooling at all since I've gotten my math. When I was working on the other courses, I was able to do them easily and pretty quickly too, but when I got my math, I just couldn't think anymore and I kept getting distracted and everything.  It's really stupid and my mum is going to take away the things that have been distracting me. But y'know? I don't blame her. I've no one to blame but myself really lol. Oh gods I'm a horrible person... I think once I DO finish my math though, I'm going to ask to avoid any other math courses until I'm done everything else. Otherwise this will take FOREVER and I'm behind enough as it is.  You know I thought setting goals for myself would help and I did set some, but they didn't help, I'm not even following by the terms I need in order to acheive those goals.  I really hate this.  I just want to finish my schooling, but I can't get off my lazy arse to do it.

Today I wore a shirt that my mum bought me when she went to the Balzack(sp) mall.  I felt... Really uncomfortable in it. (the shirt I'm wearing in the pic) Lately I've just been wearing boy shorts and a boy t-shirt (different ones of course, not just one LOL) And I felt really comfortable in those, like... I felt like myself in them. Even when I wore my jeans. Or I would wear a button-down and a pair of jeans.  Of course I'd always wear my binder with them too, so I would look kind of like a boy, but I liked that. A lot. But when I put on that shirt my mum bought me, I couldn't wear my binder and I just felt so wrong, so out of place.  I kind of look like a boy that was forced to wear girl's clothes lol.  I'm wearing a button-down shirt now though, so I'm a bit better.  But I think this gave me more proof on how I'm starting to feel on the inside.  I mean... Ever since I started getting a bit better, I've been feeling so strange (so many "feel's" lol) Like I'm not the person I once was, since I've had to change so much in order to adapt to this "new" self.  My mum used to talk a lot about me having to find my new "normal" and I'm starting to really take that to heart.  But I never thought my new "normal" would be something like this.  This thought occured to me when I was looking at pictures when I was younger, when I was hanging out with my cousin in Newfoundland. Back then I had really short hair and hardly any curves whatsoever.  Many people would confuse me for being a boy and whenever they would do that, I would pretend to get mad at them, but on the inside... I was kind of glad that I was mistaken for a boy.  There was another time when I was older and a boy and I went out for Halloween. It was my last year trick-or-treating, and we went to this one house and when the guy gave us our candy he said "Here you go, boys!" When we left to the next house, the boy I was with laughed at the guy who confused me with being a boy as well, but behind my mask, I was very happy, although at the time I never quite knew why.  But I think now as I find my new "normal" I've come to realize why I liked being mistaken for a boy.  Maybe it's because that's who I am on the inside.  When I look back on my childhood and all the things I've done and will do, it makes a lot of sense. I mean, it all adds up.

Now don't get me wrong, I highly doubt I will transition into becoming a man or even take anything like T or have surgeries and what-not.  I'm... not really happy persay, but I've come to accept my body as it is y'know? But I think maybe if I were a stronger person and could handle stuff like needles and surgery, I might actually consider transitioning.  Despite all this though, when I really think about it, I'm not sure if this is just a phase or how I really feel.  Right now, currently, I'm considering myself as a GenderQueer, but only because I'm not sure who I am right now.  I would like to find out soon, but I'm only 17 and even though that might seem long to some people, to most it seems to be not long enough. I think for me, if I still feel this way by next year around this time, then I might do some other considerations, but for now I will just remain GQ.  Because, who knows, I might change my mind later on and want to be something else, right?  Sometimes I hate being a teenager lol. It's so confusing.

Oh right, my birthday is coming up. I'll officially become 18- an adult by Canada's standards.  People ask me how I feel about that and honestly I couldn't give a rat's ass.  I don't get it, what's the big deal? Why is it so wonderful to become an adult? I don't see any glamour in it. Once you're 18, you're an adult, you can drink legally, but you'll have a higher chance of going to jail or killing yourself. You're kicked out of your house and forced to get a job and pay bills and find a "significant other" and have kids and grow only to die. I don't see why that's such a great thing to look forward to.  But hey, it's inevitable.  No matter what, we're all growing old and no matter how much we eat right, work out, or how much makeup we wear, we're still going to age and die.  I'm such a positive person lol.  But man... If someone asks me to do a beer run for them when I'm 18 ONE MORE TIME. I'm gonna FLIP.  It's ridicustupidlous. (Totally made up a new word.)