I Should Be Sleeping With You.

Right so ignore the fact that my picture has my name on it hah. I was intending on writing a "positive" blog post. You know, one with just all positive things to show that there are good things happening in my life. But of course I can only really focus on the negative things, which is not a good thing to be doing. But alas, I cannot help it. I'll try with a few positive things though. 

I made a new friend a while ago. He lives in Brooks and is just a year younger than me. His name is Scott and he is also an FtM like me. I met him through my councillor- she sees Scott's step mother. We started texting one day and we really had a lot in common and I actually knew him a few years ago when we were both females. He was Leanne back then and of course I was Selina. He only came to my school for two days and then went back home. I won't say exactly why since it is personal, but I'll just say he was having a lot of family problems and school was just way too much for him to handle at the time. He's aiming for his GED now and he's also getting his driver's licence this year as well. Oh and he's living on his own with his lovely girlfriend, Kelsey. They have so many pets it's unbelievable, but I love them all haha. Scott came and picked me up one day and we drove back to Brooks and had a really fun time. I met so many people that day. All great people actually. I felt really comfortable with everyone, even though before Scott picked me up, I had a panic attack s: Oh well. When my Mum invited him into the house and I met him, I instantly felt at ease because he was so friendly and nice. So after that mishap, the rest of the day was awesome. I haven't talked to him in a while though, I should text him soon to see what's up. I think he's the first real friend I've had in a while. Same with Kelsey as well. 

Hmm... What else is positive? Oh~ I discovered that I only have to do two more courses and then I can graduate from school! (Well three technically) But I was looking into my Forest Technician course for college again and I found out that I only need grade 11 English and Math. So I just NEED to do my grade 10 and 11 Math and then I'm done. The third course I have is Psychology. It's not as important technically since it's not a Four Core subject, but I will still do it nonetheless. It kind of gave me a bit more hope to see that I'm getting closer.

I've kind of started secretly driving too. Shh~ don't tell anyone. I don't even have my learner's licence so I shouldn't be driving at all. But I scouted out a truck for my Mum a few months ago and I fell in love with it. I've just always had a soft spot for trucks. I think it's because they remind me of my Dad. Anyways. Sometimes my Mother would take us to the back roads in the truck and whenever we reached this really long straight stretch of road, Mum would pull over and say "Okay, now you drive." The first time my hands were clenched so tight around the steering wheel haha, but Mum said I did really good. She was actually surprised. After that first time, I wasn't so nervous and clenched up thankfully. I still don't see myself as becoming a big driver because of my condition, but I think I'd feel a bit better if I did have my licence. More so for emergencies in case no one else can drive and I'm the only one available. My councillor wants me to try and have my Learner's before I go to Newfoundland in August. I personally don't see it happening, but I could try. I'm supposed to try the test once before I go see her again, so I need to start studying >.< But my school work keeps calling me too and that's more important to me right now. We'll see I suppose. 

One more positive thing I can think of. Oh wait two. 1. I got Snow Patrol's new album finally!!!! Yay! I haven't heard it yet. I hope I'm not disappointed since Gary said him and the band were trying a new sound. I liked their last album so much though and he said that's the actual beginning for him because the sound in that last album was where he wanted to be with the band. And then they change their sound again for this album .___. Oh well. Maybe I'll hate it at first, but then love it later. Who knows.

Okay 2. My LOVELY FANTASTIC BEAUTIFUL girlfriend, ( I would say more nice things, but my brain doesn't work well this late any more) On her Tagged, she changed her last name to Simpson. She did this a while ago, but I wanted to share because when I saw it. It seriously brought me to tears. Tears of joy of course. It was just so wonderful to see. Even when I was still a girl I always wanted to keep my last name, regardless of who I married. Since I'm a guy now, in the law of marriage, the girl would just get my last name, so I kinda don't have to worry about that any more haha. I don't really see myself for the whole "marriage- let's get married" thing, but knowing that my girlfriend already wants to have my last name... It really means a lot you know? I love this girl to death. And I haven't even met her in person yet. We text, send videos, and skype each other, so we're not completely clueless of each other. But I already feel so close to her and she feels the same with me and I've never felt that way about a person. So when she can finally come out here to be with me (Once she's done school and everything of course) Then we'll see what happens. I do hope for the best. If things don't work out and she wants to go back home, that's not a problem either. Just gotta get her a ticket and she can be on her way. But I doubt that'll happen. I love her and she loves me and that's all that matters. That was really mushy gushy, I apologize xD Honestly not into that kinda shit. OH And I have one more positive thing actuallyyyyyyy. (You can tell I'm in a good mood now)


I'll end the journal with this too since it's so stupidly long. Alright. So my Mother phoned my Nan & Pop in Newfoundland, and explained to them what was "going on" with me and they completely accept me being Transgender. They love me regardless of who I am. I even got on the phone with Nan and we talked for a while and it was so hard not to cry because she's just so loving and honest and I'm gonna cry right now if I keep talking about it haha. But it was a good conversation and I can't wait to see them again. My Mother's sister and her family that live down there are a little iffy. But if they don't like it, then I don't have to see them- they don't have to see me. Sarah doesn't even like who I am now and even though I love her to bits, I'm not gonna let her get in my way and stop me. I'm not even going to listen to her when (because I know she will) she tries to convince me otherwise. I've been thinking about this a lot longer than she has.
Anyways- last part to this. Last week I told my father about being Transgender. I hadn't talked or messaged him since maybe February. The day of his Father's funeral... A lot has happened since then as well. But I knew that I had to tell him. Mum offered to and I was going to ask her to, but the day I got back from my doctor's appointment on Wednesday, I suddenly got the urge to tell him, so I went with it. Texted him- asked if he was busy and he said he just got home so I could phone him. So I did and we talked about random stuff for a while and when our convo died down I clenched my free hand and said I needed to tell him something important and I blurted it out. It felt so good omg. At first he was like "WAAAAAAAAT?!" Then he said it again after I repeated myself. Then he was silent. So I explained where I was and what I was going to do and how things go in Alberta and finally he sighed and said, "Well if that's what you want, I'll support you any way I can. I still love you no matter what." And again I was swallowing the lump in my throat and blinking my eyes like crazy, trying not to cry. (So difficult to do) After I got off the phone with him, I felt like even more weight was lifted off my shoulders. I felt like I was 20kgs lighter- I couldn't believe it. I was so happy I did a dance around my room too and ran down stairs to tell my brother.
It was nice
It feels good to be accepted by my immediate family. I'm not too sure about my second brother in Manitoba. My Mother told him about me as well and he said he was going to text me and he never did. This was at least a month ago. But my immediate family in Alberta accepts me and will support me in any way that I need. I might cry again thinking about this haha.


Forever emotional.