Oh.

Ah Blogspot has changed itself around so I am not quite sure how it works anymore. It has been another while since I last posted and I don't have a picture this time because I am writing this from my phone, so it won't allow me to add one. Oh well. Yeah I've settled on Sora Kale Simpson as my name. I wish I could get it changed legally already. I'm seeing a councillor and I was seeing a psychologist for a little while as well. They both know I'm Transgender and I came out to my family doctor as well. All are very supportive. Thank the gods. My doctor has also written me a referral letter to the gender identity doctor in Edmonton. So now I am on the list to see him... It's sad because the waiting time is usually 18+ months. I must be patient I suppose. I also hate how I have to start T first and be on it for two years before I can do any surgeries. Originally I wanted to do my top surgery first before I began anything else with my transition. But it's not allowed here. I wish I could just pull these things off me and be done with it. I almost ended up in a mental ward not too long ago. The hallucinations that I was having were really bad. They had me cutting myself and I wrote all these words and sentences all over my arms and legs. Mum cried that day. Later we went to the Medicine Hat hospital and we waited forever in the Emergence Room. I talked to two nurses. One worked for the Army. When the doctor finally walked in, all I could focus on was his disgusting breath. It smelled so strongly of coffee, it was all I could do to keep myself from puking. Anyways. He gave me an anti-psychotic/sleeping pill and it has helped for the most part. I sleep now- when I take it- and I don't see the hallucinations nearly as often. I think I've only really seen them 3 times since then. I don't bother telling mum though because I know it will upset her and lead to more hospital visits. Tonight is now Monday. Yesterday was Mother's Day and we don't usually do anything about it. I mentioned it last year to her and she said "Oh I don't want to do anything anyways" and then tonight she left a note on my nightstand saying how disappointed she is in Nick and I. She's probably more disappointed in me though since she's done so much for me for the past 3 years. I really don't deserve her. If it were just Nick and Matt, then her family would have been perfect. Hell mum and dad might even still be together. I didn't turn out to be mum's dream baby anyways. She wanted a girly girl that wanted to hang out at the mall with her and buy frilly and lacy things and whatnot. And I just ended up being a little boy trapped in a girl's body. What happened to that girl I wonder? She was probably the egg that got caught in one of her tubes. The one that caused my mum so much pain and suffering. I wonder, if the pregnancy had been normal and mum had that baby, if that would have been mum's perfect little girl? I'm supposed to be the miracle baby of the family, but I sure don't feel like it. Especially right now as I silently cry in bed. I always do something wrong. I always upset her. For a while I was actually really happy for once and I never had the urge to cut myself or harm myself in any way. But I guess my depression has come back. Even after the increase in my pills. That urge is back. Very strongly as well. I'm going to fight it as best I can, but who knows what will happen? I wish I could just disappear. I want to stop being such a burden on her. That's all I ever was. Right from when I started developing in the womb. I want to leave.