Anxious, Anxious, Anxious, Please Lay Down With Me.

Oh man, the things that have been happening here have just been driving me mad, I sort of have a lot to talk about, but at the same time, I wonder once it's written, if it really will be a lot or not.

I didn't sleep again last night. My eyes are really sore and tired, but my mind is wide awake and I'm not sure what to do. But this situation happens quite often and when I was healthier, when this happened it didn't matter that much, I could pull all-nighters easily, but now when I don't sleep, it feels like my body slowly wears down and I feel really sick, but I can't sleep to fix it.  Thing is when I'm tired like this, I can't concentrate on important stuff either, and I really need to work on my math.  As you can see I still do have my computer, but it's still on the line for my mum taking it away from me and I really hope it doesn't come to that.  If she takes that, then my DSiXL is next. Which reminds me, last night, I finally settled on a name for my DSiXL.  I've decided to call him Damien, after this boy that I really admire and maybe even love.  If you can love someone you've never met that is. We've said maybe two sentences to eachother? But every time he replied I just felt really overjoyed and cozy inside. It was wonderful.  I know I'll never get to meet this boy in person, but as long as he posts on deviantart and blogspot, I think I'll be happy.  He also got engaged! I'm quite happy for him if not a little tiny bit jealous, but like I mentioned, I'll never get to meet him, so what's the point in longing for him right?

Speaking of boys, I logged into facebook this morning and this guy asked me out, but he asked me when I was offline so of course I couldn't answer! But he asked it in such a strange way, in a way where I couldn't really answer even if I was on. Uhh here let me show you how it went.
xxx says:

hey selina
if i asked you out would you be my girlfriend
thasa no
gotcha

I mean how do I reply to that if he answers before I can? But when I read it and when I thought about what he said, my anxiety really started kicking in, like really badly.  I mean, I've liked this guy for over a year now and I told him too, but I never expected him to actually ask me out. If you think about it, I'm in a terrible position to be a partner to someone, then again I always have been, but even more so because I hardly leave my house and I'm very selfish. Just overall I don't think I would qualify to be the partner that he deserves. (By partner I mean bf/gf btw, I don't want to use gender roles right now) Like once you really get to know him, he's a REALLY good guy and he knows me a lot better than many of my other friends, like he understand me more in certain categories that other people wouldn't.  But I remember he said before that we couldn't go out because we're too different and that he was having a lot of emotional problems too, so I didn't really want to press on him about it y'know? But since he said those things back then, where does he stand now? Does he still feel the same as he did before? And if he does, why is he asking me to be his partner? Or was he even serious? Was he tired? Was he drunk? I don't know, but these things keep running through my head and it causes so much anxiety within me, I don't know what to do. Or even what to say.

Even though my lightheadedness has gotten a SHITTON better compared to what it was a few months ago, and I'm getting stronger as the months pass, my anxiety has heightened exponentially.  When I was healthy I was still a very nervous person, even when I was in school and we had to do a presentation to the class, I would get nervous and I would start shaking and when I talked it almost sounded as if I wanted to cry. That's how nervous I got and that's how easily I would get nervous.  And now I get anxious when I find out that people are coming over, even when they're my friends! I've tried to talk to my mum about how I should maybe be medicated for this, but my mum refuses to put me on medication since it'll "really screw me up" And I think, "Gee mum, I'm pretty screwed up already, this shouldn't be much worse." But I think once I tell her how bad it's gotten, maybe she'll reconsider, I really hope she does.  Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to be medicated, it's the last thing I want, but because of the extent that this anxiety problem has gotten to, I think I might need a little help and if you think about it, if I have less anxiety, I'll be able to sleep more, because that's what keeps me up at night.

Kill Me Softly

Uggghhhnnnnfffffhhhhh Man I haven't written here in forever, it's horrible! Well to be honest, there wasn't much to write about anyways, because... Well I'm a boring person lol.  But I figured I should do something since I think this computer might be taken away from me in the near future.  The reason being is because I haven't been working on my homeschooling at all since I've gotten my math. When I was working on the other courses, I was able to do them easily and pretty quickly too, but when I got my math, I just couldn't think anymore and I kept getting distracted and everything.  It's really stupid and my mum is going to take away the things that have been distracting me. But y'know? I don't blame her. I've no one to blame but myself really lol. Oh gods I'm a horrible person... I think once I DO finish my math though, I'm going to ask to avoid any other math courses until I'm done everything else. Otherwise this will take FOREVER and I'm behind enough as it is.  You know I thought setting goals for myself would help and I did set some, but they didn't help, I'm not even following by the terms I need in order to acheive those goals.  I really hate this.  I just want to finish my schooling, but I can't get off my lazy arse to do it.

Today I wore a shirt that my mum bought me when she went to the Balzack(sp) mall.  I felt... Really uncomfortable in it. (the shirt I'm wearing in the pic) Lately I've just been wearing boy shorts and a boy t-shirt (different ones of course, not just one LOL) And I felt really comfortable in those, like... I felt like myself in them. Even when I wore my jeans. Or I would wear a button-down and a pair of jeans.  Of course I'd always wear my binder with them too, so I would look kind of like a boy, but I liked that. A lot. But when I put on that shirt my mum bought me, I couldn't wear my binder and I just felt so wrong, so out of place.  I kind of look like a boy that was forced to wear girl's clothes lol.  I'm wearing a button-down shirt now though, so I'm a bit better.  But I think this gave me more proof on how I'm starting to feel on the inside.  I mean... Ever since I started getting a bit better, I've been feeling so strange (so many "feel's" lol) Like I'm not the person I once was, since I've had to change so much in order to adapt to this "new" self.  My mum used to talk a lot about me having to find my new "normal" and I'm starting to really take that to heart.  But I never thought my new "normal" would be something like this.  This thought occured to me when I was looking at pictures when I was younger, when I was hanging out with my cousin in Newfoundland. Back then I had really short hair and hardly any curves whatsoever.  Many people would confuse me for being a boy and whenever they would do that, I would pretend to get mad at them, but on the inside... I was kind of glad that I was mistaken for a boy.  There was another time when I was older and a boy and I went out for Halloween. It was my last year trick-or-treating, and we went to this one house and when the guy gave us our candy he said "Here you go, boys!" When we left to the next house, the boy I was with laughed at the guy who confused me with being a boy as well, but behind my mask, I was very happy, although at the time I never quite knew why.  But I think now as I find my new "normal" I've come to realize why I liked being mistaken for a boy.  Maybe it's because that's who I am on the inside.  When I look back on my childhood and all the things I've done and will do, it makes a lot of sense. I mean, it all adds up.

Now don't get me wrong, I highly doubt I will transition into becoming a man or even take anything like T or have surgeries and what-not.  I'm... not really happy persay, but I've come to accept my body as it is y'know? But I think maybe if I were a stronger person and could handle stuff like needles and surgery, I might actually consider transitioning.  Despite all this though, when I really think about it, I'm not sure if this is just a phase or how I really feel.  Right now, currently, I'm considering myself as a GenderQueer, but only because I'm not sure who I am right now.  I would like to find out soon, but I'm only 17 and even though that might seem long to some people, to most it seems to be not long enough. I think for me, if I still feel this way by next year around this time, then I might do some other considerations, but for now I will just remain GQ.  Because, who knows, I might change my mind later on and want to be something else, right?  Sometimes I hate being a teenager lol. It's so confusing.

Oh right, my birthday is coming up. I'll officially become 18- an adult by Canada's standards.  People ask me how I feel about that and honestly I couldn't give a rat's ass.  I don't get it, what's the big deal? Why is it so wonderful to become an adult? I don't see any glamour in it. Once you're 18, you're an adult, you can drink legally, but you'll have a higher chance of going to jail or killing yourself. You're kicked out of your house and forced to get a job and pay bills and find a "significant other" and have kids and grow only to die. I don't see why that's such a great thing to look forward to.  But hey, it's inevitable.  No matter what, we're all growing old and no matter how much we eat right, work out, or how much makeup we wear, we're still going to age and die.  I'm such a positive person lol.  But man... If someone asks me to do a beer run for them when I'm 18 ONE MORE TIME. I'm gonna FLIP.  It's ridicustupidlous. (Totally made up a new word.)

I've Never Felt More Ugly, When the Devil Grabbed Me By the Leg and Shook Me, I Was Gone, I Was Gone

Ugh... Lately I've just been feeling sort of crappy... I'm not sure how else to explain it.  Just for the past few weeks.  You know that feeling you get in your heart when you feel really down? Where it sort hurts and resembles nothing but deep sadness that you cannot get rid of? It's sort of like that.  It never really hit me until I talked to one of my cousins in Newfoundland. His name is Josh.  He's a cool kid, but him and his sister have been going through some tough times.  I haven't seen them in almost two years and I really wish I could just hop on a plane and head down there.  The both of them, him and Sarah, mean so much to me and they don't even realize it.  Josh was shocked when I told him that I missed them. And I bet Sarah would be too.  But I'd do anything for them.  It still haunts me... The time that I crashed the quad when I was out visiting them in Newfoundland two years ago.  Me and Sarah were out on the quad and I was driving and I turned a corner and this huge ford truck almost hit us.  I swerved out of the way, but I rolled the quad.  When I fell off I went straight to Sarah.  I didn't even look to see if I was okay.  All that mattered was her.  I feel a closer connection to Sarah than Josh to be honest, but I think that's because Josh and I never really hung out until 2009.  All the other years he was with his brother.  So I know Sarah better.  But I mean... Just as I'm writing this I feel so sad.  On the verge of tears.  I haven't driven a quad since that accident that I caused.  It was completely my fault and I know it.  I'm glad she wasn't hurt, but she did have a few scrapes and bruises.  She might as well have broken a limb... That's how bad it hurt me emotionally. To know I hurt her.  Such mistakes haunt me for the rest of my life.  No matter what, no matter if the person forgives me or not....  I just really miss them.  I wish I could see them.  I already have the money to pay for my own ticket, but Mum won't allow me to go on account of my sickness.  Plus I'm going to be homeschooling over the summer as well.  But... My sickness is getting a lot better, it's more manageable.  But then there's food.  I'm not sure how that will be, since I'm on a special diet and I don't even know if they sell food there that I could eat.  You can't exactly buy it at a local grocery store. /:  Mum said maybe next year we could go.  But I want to go now.  Right now.

I suppose it's not all too bad for me...  I need to cheer up a bit you know?  Today I was wondering when my chest binder would come in and Mum came home after work and handed it to me.  I was so excited, but also worried that it wouldn't fit D:  I have a large chest size, but I'm also thin, so I was afraid it was going to be too big.  But it fit! And Mum also said that if it gets to the point where it doesn't fit, I can just order a new one and she'd get me it (:  It made me very happy to know that.  Oh! And today I saw Jimmy!  He was at Safeway with his friend Kyle and he made me get out of the car to hug him.  Today was a nice day.  So warm and cozy, despite the weather haha! Mum wanted to leave right away because there were these really evil looking clouds coming our way o: So we decided to race the clouds home.  Of course we beat them >:D  Thinking of this makes me realize that I should focus more on the good things rather than the ugly.  I will try to do so, we shall see what happens.

And the due date is close

Well heaven knew it take a part of me

But I only speak I only speak when I am hungry

Now the lights on my face

And I've never felt more ugly

When the devil grabbed me by the leg and shook me

I was gone (I was gone)

Micro Cuts

Well I realize that I haven't posted in a while.  You can blame my procrastination for that lol.  Plus, once more, not too much has happened.... Kay well that's a lie xD  Oh man yesterday was the best.  Mum and I went up west into the mountains.  It was just me and her.  I love travelling with my mother, it's so much fun and we always talk about random things.  We always have such good memories together.  This trip we mostly talked about my future though.  It was sort of depressing, but not at the same time.  For the longest time I wanted to become a Game Artist, after I finish homeschooling, but now I'm not too sure what I'm gonna do because I'm so sick all the time.  Plus we can't really afford it anyways, even if I did get a scholarship and all that jazz.  The course costs around 60,000 (The one I want to take) and that isn't cheap.  We had a hard time covering my brother's college tuition and other fees and that was just a little over 20,000.  So I'm not sure if I should be looking into Game Artistry anymore. So back to the story... Mum was talking about my future and what I should be looking into instead and she figures I should get into something that has to do with agriculture, but up in the mountains, since I love them so much.  And I mean I LOVE the mountains.  With a supreme passion.  No joke.  Well in truth, Mum wants me to become a forest ranger, but I don't see that happening OTL.  Srsly, picture this... you're havin' a camp fire when you're not supposed to and you see a girl in a forest ranger uniform that is only 152cm tall and weighs maybe 43 kgs, telling you to put your fire out or else >:U  LOL.  That really is not intimidating.  Like at all xD.  So I don't see me doing something like that.  But oh well we shall see where the road takes me. 

We went to so many places though, we went through Banff National Park, we wen't through Kootenay and Yoho National Park, it was so fun! BD  But every time I saw the signs that lead up to Jasper, I felt a little sad inside.  My Mum, sister, and I went up there last year and I fell in love with it, my Mum did too.  My sister hated it xD  But it's because we broke down there, so we had to stay there for a couple of days and she just wanted to go home, but we couldn't lol.  I think that's why she doesn't come on our mountain trips anymore.  Which is sad :(  But she likes Drumheller(sp) and I don't even know why...  I mean, it's hot as hell there and there's bugs and scorpions and snakes (Which she all hates) and everything is hazy and sweaty there .___.  It's gross.  But she likes it.  I guess you have to be her to understand.  She probably feels the same towards me liking the mountains, although she probably has different reasons for why she hates it haha.  But I suppose everyone's entitled to their opinion right?

OH HEY!!! I got my haircut two weeks ago xD  Well almost two weeks.  I was originally going to post it the day I got the cut, but of course, laziness got the better of me.  It's really short (as you can see) and I kinda didn't like it at first because the hairstylist cut it sort of like a bob cut in a way... To me it looked like I had a hairy helmet on my head LOL  So I had to fix it and it looks decent now at least.  My bangs piss me off though D:  And she didn't cut my layers short enough so I'm gonna have to fix that too >.>;;  I can never win.

Man... Last night I had a really weird dream... I was a man and I would steal women away and have sex with them o________o  Apparently I was famous and really good in bed.  I woke up and I was like "WTF IS THIS"  Sure I consider myself as transgender but...  I wouldn't want to be a COMPLETE man... Apart from my chest and thighs I don't want to change anything else about me.  I'm happy with my women parts... well not happy, but I've come to accept them.  I suppose I'm more of an adrogynous person or even just a tomboy, but I don't know...  But all I do know is that I don't want to go through surgery or use drugs to change myself.  I mean, what if this is just a phase? One that I've been having for...... okay well I've felt like this for most of my life, no joke, but what if I do grow out of this and want to be a "girly girl" or whichever?  I can't exactly change myself back right away.  So for now, I will use my clothes and voice to reveal how I feel and how I am.  Not drugs and fake body parts. <3

As Clean As Your Heart Is.

Well this is a little bit late.  Oh well. Better late than never, yes?  Not much has happened this past week.  Last week on Thursday was my sisters birthday.  I was so conflicted over what I should get her because for years and years, all I ever bought for her was jewlery really and I wanted to do something different for this year.  This time I drew her something, but I unno, I don't think she was really impressed with it.  When I showed it to her, all she said was "Oh... I like it." In a very monotone voice.  It makes me think I should have tried harder. Maybe I should have done more detail in it or just something to improve it.  I felt disappointed with myself, but at least I did give her something.  At first when I asked her what she wanted, she said I didn't need to give her anything.  And well... I'd feel like shit if I didn't 'cause knowing her, she'd turn around and get me something for my birthday and that's just not fair towards her.  I'm very thankful for her (:

Tuesday, (yesterday) I went to the dentist and oh my god was it horrid D:  Now don't get me wrong, he didn't do ANYTHING that would harm me or whatever, but my anxiety problems decided to kick into high-gear and I almost passed out in the chair ;A;  I mean, all he was doing was x-rays and an examination, so what the hell was I freaking out over? I have no clue.  But this anxiety issue pisses me off! It sucks dick hardcore. )x

All in all, turns out I have six babyteeth left (I'm 17 D:) And he's going to SEE if he can pull out the top two on June 1st.  I'm a nervous wreck to be honest, thinking about it.  But the tooth on the top left is loose and it's annoyin the shit outta me! It's just so.... out of place.  Kind of like me in society hurhur. :3  But ah. If he can get it out, I get a spacer for it. And then I got some crazy shit goin on with the tooth on my top right side that he's never seen before, so I don't know how that's gonna go down xD  Wish me luck o:

Also yesterday, mum bought me a binder off e-bay.  Well I'm paying her back for it, so I'm not a complete mooch here 8D  So that's cool.  But I'm so excited! Finally I'll have something that will flatten my chest.  Or at least sort of.  I kind of have a big chest (cup-wise I mean) So I'm not sure how that will go down hmmm.... We shall see.

And on Friday, I'm getting my hair cut.  It's going to be short, so I can't wait for that.  I just hope my anxiety doesn't kick in while I'm there, there's nothing to be afraid of, but it just pops up out of nowhere on me over the stupidest things.  I might ask mum if maybe I should go on medication for it.  If I can, I think that might calm me down.  I hope so.  But I hope the hair cut goes well, I might post about it on Friday.  I find it kind of weird just making a blog every Wednesday, but I mean... I'm not that exciting xD  I think during the summer, I'll have more to talk about because we will be travelling.  I hope we go up to the mountains a lot <3 I love them so so so much.